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Kelly's Bar Jokes
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Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris & Patti Marsicano
Do you know why it took so long for the Olympic torch to get to Atlanta? It had to stop at a few chuches along the way.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris & Patti Marsicano
Do you know why Clinton is ahead in the polls? He started dating again.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bert
How can you tell a happy sperm? He's the one with egg on his face!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bruce Cole
During a transatlantic airline flight, the airliner in question came upon some turbulence. The captain came on the cabin's PA system and told the passengers to please stay in thier seats and fasten thier seatbelts. After the plane cleared the rough air the captian came back on the P.A. to let the passengers know the rough part of the ride was over. Then a click was heard the captain's voice was heard saying "Holy shit! that was the roughest flight I've been on since the war, what I need right now is a strong cup of coffee and a blowjob!" A stewrdess started to run to the cabin to let the captian know that the P.A. was still on. On the way to the cabin a passenger tapped her on the shoulder and said "Don't forget the coffee."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Hunt
A man and his wife are in bed discussing how it isn't any fun asking to have sex. So the husband suggests they make signs to know if they want to have sex. The husband tells the wife if he want to have sex he will pull her tit once, if she wants to also she has to pull his dick once. But if he doesn't want to have sex he will pull her tit twice, and if she doesn't she has to pull his dick about 100 times!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Scott
Q:What's the definition of INDEFINETLY?
A: When your balls are smackin' her in the ass, you're INDEFINETELY!!!
Remember when you were a kid and used to blow bubbles? Yeh! Well I ran into Bubbles at the store the other day, he says "Hi".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andy B.
A blonde is sitting in the middle of a cornfield, rowing a boat for all she's worth and another blonde spots her and pulls to the side of the road and jumps out of her car and starts yelling and screaming and finally says "It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad rep, and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jessi
Boy to Girl : Hey, do you have a mirror on your outside pocket? Girl: No, why? Boy: Because I can see myself in your pants!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Peter Barrett
Doctor says to a fella, "I have bad news and really bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fella says, "I dunno, the bad news, I guess." Doctor says, "You have AIDS." Fella says, "What's the really bad news?" Doctor says, "You also have Altzheimer's Disease." Fella says, "What a relief...I thought you were going to say I have AIDS."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andy B
WOMAN: Will you love me in the morning? MAN: I don't know. What time is it?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andy B
THE WORD FOR THE DAY IS LEGS. FIND A GIRL AND SPREAD THE WORD.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anita
One day, a group of ladies were sitting by the water cooler. A man walked by. His shirt sad "Men are Gods gift to women." A lady remarked "If men are Gods gift to women, then he must have loved giving out gag gifts."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anita
Q: What do you get when you cross a telephone pole with a rooster? A: A 20ft. cock that wants to reach out and touch somebody.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anita
One day, a group of ladies were sitting by the water cooler. A man walked by. His shirt said "Men are Gods gift to women." A lady remarked "If men are Gods gift to women, then he must have loved giving out gag gifts."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Glyph
A policeman found a snail which had been mugged. When asked, "What happeded?", the snail responded, "I don't know. It happened too fast!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Giles Smith
An elderly widowed lady is on a Mediterranean cruise, ten years after her husband has passed away. She by now, is understanably desparate for sex, she is too frightened to pick up off the street, too proud to masturbate and too religious to use a vibrator. The boat docks in France and she decides to visit Paris, the city of romance where all her problems will be solved. She strolls down the Champs Elysees, and sees a pet shop, with a sign in the window saying "CLITORIS LICKING FROG FOR SALE HERE" She plucks up enough courage to go in, wanders around searching for said pet, the answer to her prayers. Alas, she can not find the animal and says to the shopkeeper, may I see the clitoris licking frog please? and he replies (in French of course) AH OUI MADAME!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ADAM BIGELOW
A WOMEN WALKS INTO A BAR HOLDING A DUCK UNDER HER ARM AND ASKS THE BARTENDER FOR A BEER. THE BARTENDER GIVES HER A BEER AND SAYS, "WHAT'S WITH THE PIG?" THE WOMEN SAYS, "IT'S NOT A PIG IT'S A DUCK." THE BARTENDER SAYS, "I WAS TALKING TO THE DUCK!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Fred
An old bull & a young bull are standing at top of the hill, and a bunch of young heffers come walking through the valley. The young bull says, "Let's run down and f*ck one !" The old bull says, "No. Let's walk down and f*ck 'em all."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ERIC
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A CROOKED POLITICIAN AND A CROOKED LAWYER? CHELSEA.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By michael anthony
A GUY GOES INTO THE BAR AND ASKS THE BARTENDER, "WANT TO BET A SHOT THAT I CAN'T BITE MY RIGHT EYE?" THE BARTENDER ACCEPTS SO THE GUY TAKES OUT HIS GLASS EYE AND BITES IT. SO THE BARTENDER GIVES HIM THE FREE SHOT. THE GUY THEN TELLS THE BARTENDER THAT HE WOULD LIKE TO BET HIM ANOTHER SHOT THAT HE CAN BITE HIS LEFT EYE. THE BARTENDER ACCEPTS THINKING THAT THERE IS NO WAY THAT THIS GUY CAN HAVE TWO GLASS EYES. SO THEN THE GUY TAKES OUT HIS FALSE TEETH AND BITES HIS LEFT EYE. THE GUY DRINKS HIS SECOND FREE SHOT AND STANDS OVER BY THE DOOR TALKING TO SOME OTHER GUYS. AFTER A FEW MINUTES THE GUY GOES BACK OVER TO THE BARTENDER AND BETS HIM $50 THAT HE CAN PISS FROM ONE END OF THE BAR ALL THE WAY TO THE OTHER END AND FILL UP A SHOT GLASS WITHOUT PISSING ON THE BAR. THE BARTENDER ACCEPTS THINKING THAT THERE IS A LONG DISTANCE BETWEEN THE GUY AND THE SHOT GLASS. SO THE GUY GOES TO THE END OF THE BAR AND WHIPS IT OUT AND STARTS PISSING AND HE MISSES THE SHOT GLASS COMPLETELY. SO THE BARTENDER STARTS WIPING THE BAR DOWN WITH A BIG OLD SMILE AND SAYS TO THE GUY " LOOKS LIKE I GOT YOU BACK" "NOT REALLY" SAYS THE GUY AS HE PAYS THE BARTENDER THE $50. "SEE THE FOUR MEN OVER BY THE DOOR, WELL I BET THEM EACH $100 THAT I COULD PISS ALL OVER YOUR BAR AND YOU WOULD WIPE IT UP WITH A SMILE"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Saxton
Once there was a crazy old man had $30 million in the bank, 3 ducks and 3 sons. He calls his sons together and gives them each a duck and says, "whoever can get the most for thier duck gets his bank acount .The first son comes back with 5 dollars. Second son comes back with ten dollars. The third son into a hooker that said "Hey I'll give you a f*ck for that duck." He says O.K. After that she says "I'll give you a duck for a f*ck. So he says O.K. So on his way home his duck flies out of his hands and gets hit by a car. The driver steps out and says "Sorry about your duck here is 15 dollars." So when the son got home he says to his dad. "I got a f*ck for a duck, a duck for a f*ck, and 15 dollars for a f*cked up duck!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ken Howe
Two men walked into a bar....... ouch!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jennifer & Julie
Two men were sitting at a bar discussing how drunk they got the night before. The first man said:"I was so drunk that I blew chunks all night." The second man said:"Yeah, I was so drunk last night that I couldn't remember my wife's name." The first man responded "You don't understand...my dog's name is CHUNKS!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bob
Q: Why do men give their penis a name?
A: Because we don't want a stranger making decisions for us!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mark Fritz
Q: Why do blonds like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By roger
Q: What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A: A pimple doesn't come on your face till your 15.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JOHN ESPINOZA
DID YOU HEAR MICHAEL JACKSON IS GOING BACK TO DOING COMMERCIALS FOR PEPSI? SEEMS HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD SUCK THE KID OUT OF THE PEPSI BOTTLE.....

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Yan Tremblay
Two brunettes and a blonde are marooned on an island. As they roam around for food, they come upon a wishing lantern. Surprisingly, a geni pops out of it and grants each of them ONE wish. The first brunette wishes to go back home, and POUF...she is back home. The second brunette also wishes to go back home, and POUF... she is back home. Then the blond wishes to have her friends back to help her out on the island, and POUF...the two brunettes come back.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Slime Dog
Q: Why do blonds wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gaylord Hanson
Three guys were walking down the sidewalk together, one black guy and two white guys. They were about to cross the street when the black guy stepped out a bit too soon and got hit by a truck. A policman investigating the identity of the black man asked the black man's friends if he had any distinguishing features. One guy replied "Well, I've heard that he had two assholes." The policeman replied "How do you know that?". The guy said "Well every time we go into the bar together, the bartender says "Here comes that black guy with the two assholes!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ANDRE GAYLE
YOUR MAMA IS SO FAT AFTER HAVING SEX WITH HER I ROLLED OVER TWICE AND WAS STILL ON TOP OF HER

Smile This Joke was Submitted By LIZARD KING
Q:Why are Asprins white?
A:They Work!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tim Mertes
Your mamas so fat she uses the highway for a slip and slide.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tracy
Q: Why can't blonds get a drivers LICENSE?
A: Because when the cops pull them over they jump in the back seat.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kelly Apke
Q. When you see a flock of geese, why is one side longer than the other?
A. Because there are more geese on that side.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bob K Mertz
God's not dead.... He just shelled to DOS!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kathi
Q: A blond and a brunette fall off a cliff at the same time.....which one lands first?
ANSWER: The brunnete....the blond had to stop & ask for directions!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cliff
A tough looking Marine comes into Kelly's and declares he is there to ommemorate his first experience at oral sex with another man. He orders six beers. The bartender asks, "Why do you want six beers?" The Marine replies, "It'll probably take that many to get the taste out of my mouth."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Denise Gerou
Q: WHY DONT MEN GET MAD-COW DISEASE?
A. BECAUSE THE'RE ALL PIGS!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Betty Crosby
Q: What does BITCH stand for?
A. Bill's In Trouble Call Hillary!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ruby
Four men were playing poker one night. Suddenly they started discussing their Sex-Life.
When asked Tom said, "My wife and I have sex almost once a month". Then Dick said, "Well that rate is pretty low, we try to make love atleast Once a week!" Listening to this Harry could hold himself much longer and blurted right out "Oh Yeah, You think that is high? We have it every day and sometimes even twice!!" But John just sat there quietly smiling. Tom, Dick and Harry were curious by now and asked him about how many he had sex. After an impatient waiting he finally uttered smilingly "Once a year." All his friends were shocked and they demanded..."just once a year, then why are you smiling?"... and still smiling said he "Tonight Is The Night!!!"

Smile

IT SNOWS AT THE WHITEHOUSE ONE MORNING AND BILL GETS UP AND OPENS THE CURTAINS, AND SOMONE HAD PISSED IN THE SNOW. IT READ "SCREW YOU BILL". BILL BECAME VERY UPSET, AND TOLD HIS ADVISOR TO FIND OUT WHO DID IT! ABOUT 1 HOUR LATER HIS ADVISOR CAME IN AND SAID "IVE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS". THE GOOD NEWS IS WE FOUND OUT IT WAS AL GORE'S PISS, THE BAD NEWS IS THAT IT IS YOUR WIFE'S HANDWRITING!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ruthless
Q: What does a TORNADO and a DIVORCE in Arkansas have in common?
A: Either way somebody's gonna LOSE a trailer.

Smile This Joke Submitted By JOEY DIAMOND
I HEARD A STATISTIC THAT FIFTY TWO PERCENT (52%) of all women in the United States have been BATTERED but what really makes me mad is that I have been eating them RAW for YEARS!!!!

Smile This Joke Submitted By Jim Lee
One sperm says to another sperm, "I'm really getting tired, how far is it to the uterus?" The second sperm says, "hell man we're not even past the tonsils yet."

Smile This Joke Submitted By KI||ER
Q: How do you castrate a Redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw!

Smile This Joke Submitted By necrom
Hitler and his friend walk into a bar, and he says, "Today I shall kill 7 million jews and 10 musicions" and a guy said "why 10 musicians" he replied to his friend "see, no-one cares about the jews!

Smile This Joke Submitted By Gary
Why are women like condoms?
A: Because they're in your wallet a lot more than they're on your d**k!

Smile This Joke Submitted By Gary
Q: Know why women make love with their eyes closed?
A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time!

Smile This Joke Submitted By Aaron Arnstein
A Zen Monk walks over to a hot-dog stand. What does he ask? Make me one with erything.

Smile This Joke Submitted By billy-mae nosepicker
Why did the turtle cross the road? Because he wanted to get to the shell station.

Smile This Joke Submitted By Jim-Bob
Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well-hung!

Smile This Joke Submitted By secret sauce
Jane and Bob just got married and they went out to a nice hotel for their honeymoon. Things started getting hot and they finally decided to have sex for the first time. Bob started to undress. He took off his socks and shoes. Jane looked at his feet and asked what was wrong with his toes. Bob replied, "The doctor said that I had toelio." Jane asked,"You mean the doctor said that you had polio." Bob replied, "No, the doctor said that I had Toelio." Bob went on undressing and took off his pants. Jane saw his knees and asked what was wrong with his knees. Bod replied, "The doctor said that I had Kneesles." Jane asked, "You mean the doctor said you had measle." Bob replied, "The doctor said that it was kneesles, not measles." Bob finished undressing, and Jane looked down and started laughing. Bob asked what was so funny, and Jane replied, "Let me guess, the doctor said you had SMALL COX!"

Smile This Joke Submitted By secret sauce
Two aliens landed on earth and they wanted to be taken to the leader of this planet. They have never seen a human before and went to the nearest gas station to find civilization. The taller alien walked up to a gas pump and said, "Take me to your leader." The gas pump said nothing. He asked again to be taken to gas pump's leader. Again, the pump said nothing. The taller alien pulled out his laser and asked again to be taken to the pump's leader or else. At that time, the shorter alien said to the taller alien, "I wouldn't do that if I was you, that is a bad m*****f****r." The taller alien didn't listen to the shorter alien and shot the gas pump. The two aliens were thrown about 2 miles form where they were. The taller alien asked the shorter alien how he knew that this creature was a bad m*****f****r. The shorter alien replied, "Any creature that can wrap its dick around it waist and stick it in its ear, is a bad m*****f****r."

Smile This Joke Submitted By STEVE MORROW
definition of a virgin lake: one where a woman has yet to swim and the fish still taste like chicken.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff
If a man speaks in the forest, & there is no woman there to hear him,is he STILL wrong?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Miiga
Your mama's so fat she spits butter

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Susie Hwang
Why did the pirate cross the road?
To get away from the crcodile

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jessica
Why doesnt smokey the bear have any kids?
Every time his wife gets hot he throws dirt on her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jessica
Your mama is so fat that when she wears red people yell "hey Kool-aid."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By daisy
There's this little boy named Jonny. He came home from school really pissed. While walking in his yard he kicked the chicken, his mom saw and said "Jonny, now you can't have chicken for 2 months." Jonny was even more pissed about this so he kicked the pig. His mom saw and said "No ham for 2 months." Jonny walked away and saw his dad coming home. His dad had a really bad day too. Jonnys dad was cursing and he kicked the cat. Jonny looks at his mom and goes "should I tell him or do you want to?" (get it? pussycat?)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Daisy
Q. Why do gay guys have mustaches?
A. To hide the stretch marks!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By "P"
Your mama's so stupid, she went to the movies and saw a sign that said under 17 not admitted. So she went home and got 16 of her friends.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt
Your Mama's so stupid, if she were trapped on a deserted island, and a boat floated ashore, she would smash it up and say, "Wooopie, now I can build a raft.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mark
A russian man was walking down the beach when he kicked a bottle, out popped a big bad genie. Genie said "I'm tired of being kicked around by people like you, you only get 1 wish, make it quick. The Russian thinks and tells genie that I love vodka so much I'd like to pee vodka. Genie said "DONE" & dissapeared. Man goes home to wife and wife says "What do you want to do tonight? His reply was "tonight we drink Vodka go in kitchen, get 2 glasses, wife returns with glasses, man unzippes hes pants and procedes to fill up glass. Holds it up and says "LOOKS LIKE VODKA", smells the glass "Smells like Vodka", takes a sip of the glass "Tastes like Vodka" they got plastered, the next night same thing happens. The third night man come in, wife says "What do you want to do tonight?" Tonight we drink VODKA, go and get 1 glass... Wife says "dont I drink tonight? "YES" was the reply, "Tonight you drink from bottle"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erin
How do you tell which one is Ronald McDonald on a nudist beach?
He's the one with the sesame seed buns.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joey Jerimia
Your Moma's so fat that when she broke her leg gravy poured out.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erin
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erin
Why did the blond get lipstick on her steering wheel?
Because she was giving horn a blow job.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By GEORGI
THERE WAS THREE MEN DOWN IN HELL, THEY WERE BAD BUT NOT AS BAD AS SOME PEOPLE SO THE DEVIL DECIDED TO GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO BE AS HAPPY AS THEY COULD.HE GIVE THEM A CHOICE OF THREE ROOMS. IN THE FIRST ROOM THRE WERE LOTS OF PEOPLE STANDING ON THEIR HEADS ON A STONE FLOOR, IN THE SECOND ROOM THERE WERE LOTS OF PEOPLE STANDING ON THEIR HEADS ON A WOODEN FLOOR, IN THE THIRD ROOM THER WERE LOTS OF PEOPLE WADING AROUND IN BOOTS IN COW SHIT, UP TO THERE KNEES. THE MEN SAID TO EACH OTHER WE KNOW THE SMELL IS BAD BUT AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAND ON YOUR HEADS,SO THEY CHOOSE TO LIVE IN THAT ROOM. AFTER THEY HAD BEEN IN IT FOR 10 MINUTES, A VOICE CAME THROUGH THE SPEAKERS "OK, EVERYONE BREAKS OVER BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By shawn
John:There are three black roosters sitting on a fence, how many beaks do they have?
Sam: 3
John:How many wings do they have?
Sam:6
John: How many legs do they have?
Sam:6
John: A white cat jumps on the fence, how many whiskers does he have?
Sam: I don't know.
John: Well how come you know so much about black cock and nothing about white pussy!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By T-bone Tasha
Man walks into a bar...very upset cause his wife has left him (you see, hes dick is sooo very small) anyway he's drinking his sorrows away when he looks around and sees this little guy dressed in green sitting beside him..the small dick guy picks him up and seys to him...'hey yer a little green irish wish granting fucker arnt ya' and the little green guy seys 'Ay that I might be' so the small dick guy seys ' well seeming Ive just caught ya you have to grant me a wish dont you?! 'Ay that may be' seys the green guy...'well, my wife has just left me cause my dicks too small and I love her and miss her I wish that my penis was bigger' so the green guy seys....'Ill grant yer wish only if you take me round the back in the toilets and fuck me up the arse as hard as you possibly can...' and the small dick guy thinks ...mmm I dont really like this but I miss my wife soooo much ...ok Ill do it!!! So he takes him round the back and proceds to fuck this guy very hard....the little green guy turns around and seys to the guy...'how old are you my son?' and the small dick guy seys 'Im 35' and the green guy seys 'and ya still believe in lepricorns?'

Smile This Joke was Submitted By daryl ansell
A women has been in a coma for nearly a year without any sign of change. One day while washing her, the orderly noticed her heart rate on the monitor increased when he washed her breasts. Not thinking too much of this, the next day the heart monitor when beserk when her washed her pussy. He imediately called the doctor who with great happiness called the husband immediately. The doctor told the husband that there was finally hope to revive his wife. What he had to do was have oral sex with his wife and when she was really excited the medical staff would be able to revive her. The husband agreed and the staff waited outside watching a heart monitor while the husband went to work. Suddenly the monitor went flatline and the staff rushed in screaming what happened I'm not sure said the husband I think she choked.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Timmy Stockdale
Yo mama's so fat her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a milkdud.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar fly
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bob
A guy goes bear hunting in the woods. He sees this big grizzly and shoots at it, but misses. The grizzly comes over and says, "Grr. I will give you two choices. I will either eat you alive, or bend you over and have a little fun." The man thinks, "Okay, maybe I can come back the next day and get my revenge." So, he bends over and walks home bleeding. The second day, he comes by with a bigger gun, shoots, and misses. He goes home bleeding. This goes on for a few weeks, and the bear says, "You don't come here to hunt, do you?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Timmy Stockdale
Yo mama's so fat she stepped on my cats tail and now I call him Beaver.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kps
Your mama so ugly she uses her face for a holleween cookie cutter.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ashley
Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By james
Q: HOW DO YOU CONFUSE A BLONDE?
A: LOCK HER IN A ROUND ROOM AND TELL HER TO SIT IN THE CORNER.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Scott Goodall
A man and his beautiful daughter rented a cabin to fishermen on the lake. One weekend three young men rented the cabin. The only rule the man had was they couldn't fuck his daughter. So before bed that night the man stuck a razor blade up her pussy. The next morning he made the three boys drop their pants and one of the boys dick fell off. So he shot him. The next morning the same thing happened with another boy. On the final morning the man told the last boy to drop his pants. When he did his dick was still there. The man said son I'm proud of you. The boy said thank you and his tongue fell out.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cassandra C.
How do you fix a dish washer?......slap her..

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cassandra C.
Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was busted for drug smuggling at the airport?
Seems she bent over and someone saw fifty pounds of crack... Ha..Ha...Ha

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jamie
Q: why did the two gay guys get fired from the spirm bank?
A:They got caught drinking on the job. Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jamie
Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A newspaper.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Neal Hartley
As one door shuts another one closes.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By vharris642
Everyday a little boy walks by a whore house and there's a whore sittin on the front porch and she waves her pinkie at him and says, "hey little boy that's about the size of it ain't it." So the little boy goes home and asks his older brother what it meant and he told him, the next day he walked by the whore house again and the same whore was out on the porch again she does the same thing as the day before so he goes and asks his brother what he can say back he tells him and the next day the whore asks him, "Hey little boy that's about the size of it ain't it." and he replys by opening his mouth realy wide and saying ,"hey lady that's about the size of it ain't it."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Timmy
Your mama's so fat that when she went to the zoo elephants started throwing penuts at HER.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Courtney Cook
Q. What has four legs and flys?
A. A picnic table!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Scott Kelly
There was this lonley guy in bar who began talking to me, he said see that bikestand over there? I made it with my own hands but do they call me the Bikestand maker? Hell no and see that fence over there? Beautiful job do people call me the Fence Maker? hell no but you Molest one goat.........

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jarrod Case
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michael Pal
Your mama is so fat that when she jumped into the air, she got stuck.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Linda
Woman: Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.
Doctor: What Have you been taking for it.
Woman: Pepper

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andrew Craig
Your mama's so dumb it takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tom
A fellow goes to the Doctor and says "You gotta help me with these terrible headaches" After examining him the doc replies"The good news is I know whats causing your headaches. the bad news is your balls are pressed against your spine and the only thing I can do is castrate you." I'll have to think about that the fellow says and goes home. After days of no sleep, not being able to work or even eat he returns to the doctor and says "Ok, cut'em off. After the deed is done he returns home and mopes. After days of moping his wife say get the hell out of the house. Go fishing go shopping anything to stop that damned mope. The guy leaves and finds himself in a clothiers store. the clerk asks, "Can I help you?" guy responds "Well I've been awfully depressed..." Clerk responds "How about a new suit of clothes? A new suit of clothes always makes a man feel better!" "OK" guy replies. Clerk says that'll be a 44 jacket and hands one to guy, a perfect fit guy thought to himself. Clerk returns momentarily and said 16 1/2 33 shirt. Guy puts it on and it is another perfect fit. clerk says now for trousers 34 x 36 and hands them to Guy. Another perfect fit and Guy finally comments "Your really good." Clerk says "Thank you sir but it is what I do for a living I have to be good at it. Now for underwear sir. That will be 34 boxers. Guy gasps and says "No your wrong this time I wear briefs" Clerk responds "No sir you can't do that...if you wear briefs they will press your balls against your spine and give you a terrible headache all the time!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By CHETNIK-?
What do you do when a Croation throws a grenade?
Pull the Pin and throw it back!!!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By coll in all cars
Your mamas so stuiped she thought a quaterback was a refund.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By GINELL
Your mammas so fat she took a spoon to the super bowl

Smile This Joke was Submitted By laura
There was a man sitting at a bar and the bartender said "I'll make a bet with you, I'll give you $200 if you can piss into that shotglass without a drop spilling over." The man said ok I'll take your bet" So the man pulled down his fly and started pissing all over the bar and the bartender without one drop making it into the shotglass. The bartender was just standing there smiling because he knew that he had won. When he was done the bartender said "Ha Ha you owe me $200" The man said "Ok" and gave it to him then he said "Oh yea do you see those guys over there I just bet them $500 each that I could piss on you and you would like it!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jessica Kelly.
How do you know a blond's been having a bad day?
There's a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mistah Cee
Your mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Your mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said one...one..one fat bitch!
Your mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said "please step out of the vehicle"
Your mama's so fat, she can't wear Malcom X jackets 'cause helicopters keep trying to land on her back.
Your mama's so fat, a car swirved to miss her and ran out of gas!
Your mama's lips so big Mick Jagger said "Damn that bitch got some big lips!"
Your mama's so fat, first she fills the tub, and then she turns on the water.
Your mama's teeth are so yellow she can butter a whole loaf of bread.
Your mama's so fat, she can't wear a raincoat. Little kids think she's the school bus

Indefensible responses:
Okay, okay, let's get off the moms...I just got off yours!
I don't have no mama, me and my daddy share yours!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By SMEED
WHAT DOES EVERY ELMO GET BEFORE HE LEAVES THE FACTORY?
ANSWER: 2 TEST TICKLES!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By *SPL*
A man walks into a bar and says I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cows balls and a fat man walks up and pulls down his pants and says mow mow buckarou.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Viper
Do you know what those bumps are around a ladies nimple? It's brail for:"Suck Here!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Viper
GrandPa takes Grandson fishing, out in the boat, grandpa opens a beer. Grandson asks: Can I have some? GrandPa: Can your dick reach your asshole? Grandson looking with a question on his face: No Grandpa: Well you can't have none, then...he finishes his beer and lights up a big hooter....Grandson asks: Can I have some? Grandpa responds: Can your dick reach your asshole yet? Grandson:No Well they wind up the trip and head home, they stop at a Quicky Mart and get some soda and some scratch off lotto tickets, Grandpa loses....Grandson wins 5000 bucks...Grandpa askes: you gonna share that? Grandson responds: Can YOUR dick reach your asshole? Grandpa thinking he'll get him here: Why, yes it can! Grandson: Well, go fuck yourself then!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kellie Ashfold
There was a blonde and she was sick and tired of hearing blonde jokes so she decided to cut her hair short and become a brunette. After she did this she went for a drive in the country and eventually she came across a farmer in a paddock with a flock of sheep. The blonde went up to the farmer and said, "I have a proposition for you. If i can guess how many sheep you have can I have one?" "Yeah sure." the farmer replied. "385" was the blondes answer. "You are right" the farmer said. The blonde went and got a sheep and returned to her car and was about to pull away when the farmer came to her and said. "I have a proposition for you. If i can guess the colour of your hair can I have my dog back!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By hell raiser
NAME TWO THINGS THE POLISH INVENTED? AN EJECTION SEAT IN A HELLIOCOPTER AND A SOLAR POWERED FLASH LIGHT!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Craig
A fish looks up a sees a fly floating on top of the water. He says to himself "If that fish drops 6 inches, I get a free lunch!" A Bear sees the fly, then sees the fish, he says " if the fly drops 6 inches the fish gets the fly, I get the fish." A hunter sees the bear, sees the fly, sees the fish. He says "fly drops six inches fish gets the fly, bear gets the fish, I kill the bear." A mouse sees the fly,the fish,the Bear, and the hunter, the mouse says "that fly drops 6 inches, the fish gets the fly, bear gets fish, hunter kills the bear, and i get the hunters tuna sandwhich. Meanwhile a cat sees the mouse then sees the Fly,fish,bear, and hunter. He says "that fly drops 6 inches,the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter kills the bear, the mouse gets the the tuna sandwhich, I get the mouse!! So the fly drops six inches, the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter kills the bear, the mouse gets the tuna sandwhich. The cat goes after the mouse, but the mouse runs into the water and the cat followed and got all wet. Wanna know the morale of the story? A fly drops 6 inches, you wind up with a wet pussy!!!!!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Damien J Isaacs
Why do they call a pap smear a pap smear?
Because nobody would turn up for the cunt scrape.
Pick up line- Honey as long as I have a face, you have got a seat.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Big Bill
Q. How do you know if an Aisian has robbed your home?
A. The cat is gone and the kid's homework is done.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Big Bill
Q. What do your say to an Abo in a suit? A. Will the defendant please rise.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Annon.
A man walks into a bar and see's a Chimpanzee setting on at the bar. He says to the Bartender "what's the Deal with the Chimpanzee. The bartender looks at him as says "this is a special Chimpanzee and it gives blowjobs do you want to see? The man says sure, the bartender picks up a bat and goes over to the Chimpanzee and hits him in the head really hard (knocking the Chimp to the floor) Then the Chimp runs behind the bar and gives the Bartender a B.J. After the Chimp is finished he runs back around the bar and sits back down. The Bartender looks over at the Patron and says "you want to try it?" The man says "Ok but please don't hit me as hard."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Curtis Earl
Your girfriend is so ugly that it takes her two tickets to go to the zoo: 1 to get in and 1 to get out!
Your mama is so nasty, I had phone sex with her and got an ear infection.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ralph Henneman
There was a man trying to rob the goods out of a rich family's house. He was picking the family's jewels and all of a sudden he heard Jesus is watching you. The robber looked around and decided that it was just his concious and then proceeded to steal the jewels. He then heard the voice again, but this time he was more startled and he asked who had said that. "I did", came the reply. Who did came the robber. Then he discovered that it was the family's parrot. He asked the parrot what his name was. Tha parrot said that his name was Frank. The robber asked the parrot who would name a parrot Frank? The same people who would name a rottwieler Jesus.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Richard Periut, M.D.
What did the shower say to the toilet ? "So short and full of shit!" What did the toilet respond to the shower? "So tall and such a cry baby"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By T.Tyler
Q. Why do blonds have tilted steering wheels.
A. For more head room.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By steve barry
What do an aeroplane and a peroxide blonde woman have in common?
They've both got black boxes.
You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor slapped your mother.
My wife is so fat, I asked her to fart to give me a clue.
My hometown is so shitty, we had an earthquake and it caused 20,000,000 worth of improvements.
Two vagrants were sitting on a bench, when one says, "Have you shat your pants?", the second says "Nope?" so the first demands to see his underwear and sure enough, they're full of shit. "See, you have shat your pants." says the first, "Oh," says the second, "I thought you were talking about today."
Two gay blokes are in a bar, one says, "Hey, I can smell spunk." the second says "Yeah, sorry, I just farted."
Two blokes were talking in a pub, the first said "How's your wife?" the second says, "I killed her and buried her in my garden with her arse sticking out of the ground." The first says "You what? Why???" the seconds says "Well my bike stand broke the other day..."
Two men were playing golf and the first says "What do you do for a living?" The seconds says "I'm an assasin." The first disbelieveing says, "Let's have a look at your gun then." So the assasin shows him his gun and invites him to have a look. The man looks through the sights and sees his house in the distance, looks at the bedroom window and sees his wife naked with the postman. "How much do you charge?" shouts the enraged man. "1000 per bullet." says the assasin. "I want you to put one bullet through my slut wife's head and one bullet right through that blokes dick." The assasin agrees and spends ten minutes squinting through the sights. "What are you waiting for then?" asks the man, the assasin turned to the man and said "I'm just trying to save you a thousand pounds!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Toby
Q:A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa were having a race, who won? A:The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist.
Q:A brunette and a blonde fell off a cliff, who hit the ground first? A:The brunette because the blonde had to ask for directions.
Q:What do you call 20 blondes standing in a row? A: An air tunnel.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cleve Justice
How do you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cleve Justice
What do you call a lesbian dinasaur? Ilicalatapus

Smile This Joke was Submitted By eric sullinger
Your mama is so fat I had a full tank of gas and ran out halfway around her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By eric sullinger
Your mama is so ugly i took her to the zoo and the guy up front said thanks for bringing her back.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By FRANK G.
A LITTLE BOY IS WALKING DOWN A COUNTRY ROAD WITH A PIECE OF CHICKENWIRE IN HIS HAND HE WALKS BY THE FARMER AND THE FARMER SAYS TO HIM "SON WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT CHICKENWIRE?" AND THE LITTLE BOY RESPONDS "I'M GOING TO CATCH ME SOME CHICKENS" THE FARMER RESPONDS "SON DON'T YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T CATCH CHICKENS WITH CHICKENWIRE?" THE BOY RESPONDS "YES I CAN" SO THE FARMER SAYS "OK IF YOU SAY SO" SO AN HOUR LATER THE SAME BOY COMES WALKING DOWN THE ROAD WITH ARMFUL OF CHICKENS. THE FARMER SAYS TO HIM "SON YOU CAUGHT ALL THEM CHICKENS ON THAT CHICKENWIRE?" THE BOY SAYS "YEP" THE FARMER SAYS "OK". THE NEXT DAY THE SAME LITTLE BOY WALKING DOWN THE SAME ROAD THIS TIME HE IS CARRYING A PIECE OF DUCKTAPE WALK UP ON THE SAME FARMER AND THE FARMER SAYS "SON WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCKTAPE?" THE BOY RESPONDS "I'M GOING TO CATCH ME SOME DUCKS" THE FARMER SAYS "YOU CAN'T CATCH DUCKS WITH DUCKTAPE!!" THE BOY SAYS "YES I CAN WATCH ME" SO THE FARMEWR SAYS "OK SON". SO A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER THE BOY RETURNS WITH AN ARMSFUL OF DUCKS THE FARMER SAYS TO HIM "YOU CAUGHT ALL THOSE DUCKS WITH THAT DUCKTAPE" THE LITTLE BOY SAYS "YEP" THE FARMER SAYS "OK" . THE NEXT DAY THE SAME LITTLE BOY IS WALKING DOWN THE SAME ROAD AND HE HAS A PUSSYWILLOW IN HIS HAND WALKS UP ON THE FARMER AND THE FARMER SAYS "HOLD ON SON LET ME GO GET MY HAT"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Click here
Why did the boy fall off the swing?
Because he was dead.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe-blow
It aint easy being a dick! I've got a head I can't think with! An eye I can't see out of....... I have to hang around with two nuts all the time...... My closest neighbor is an asshole! and my best friend is a pussy! Worst of all my owner beats me all the time!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ray Todd
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ray Todd
A pretty woman is driving down a Arkansas country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the Arkansas farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world? " They say, "Huh?" She explains what she wants to do, then says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that woman who came by here, oh, about forty years ago, the one who showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John
Superman is flying when he sees Wonder Woman lying naked on the top of a building. He says "I'll go screw her." So he flys onto her, makes out and flys away. During this whole thing she was asleep. After Superman flys away she says"What was that?" Invisible man says "I dunno, but my butt sure hurts!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Frederick
A guy and a woman are having sex when the lady's husband walks in the door. She says "Quick! Jump out the window." So the guy jumps out the window,totally naked, and the Boston Marathon just happenes to be passing by. After a while the guy he is running next to says"Do you always run naked?" "Yes" the naked guy says. Then the other guy asks him "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Only,"he replies"when it looks like rain."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Frederick
A Martian couple lands on a remote farm in Idaho. An earth couple comes out to greet them. They have dinner together and decide to switch partners for a night. That night when the martian man and Earth woman go into the bedroom, the mars guy pulls down his pants and he has a tiny,tiny dick. The lady says well that isn't very big. Then the Mars guy twists his left ear and it grows about 2 feet.But it's still as thin as a pencil. Then he twists his right ear and it gets as thick as a sausage. Then they do it. The next morning the Earth lady asks her husband how it went. he says "It was fine except she kept playing with my ears."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Brian Mann
Your mama is like a boxer she bent down and gave me two blows to the head.
Your mama like a race car she burns 4 rubbers a night.
Your mama like a shotgun two cocks and she's ready to blow.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By phoenix
A woman walks into a restaurant in a small town in the country. She orders chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she begins to choke on a chicken bone. Two country boys sitting in the next table sees her choking and one gets up to help her. The first boy pulls down his overalls and the other boys starts to lick the first boys ass in front of the woman. The woman watches the two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the bone from her throat. The first country boy pulls up his overalls and says to the other,"You're right Billy Bob, that hind-lick manouver works like a charm!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By phoenix
"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp----only to discover a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?!" "Honey! Let me explain!" "Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a bitch!" "Speaking of sneaky!", he interrupted, "maybe you'd care to explain our 3 kids!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe Tocco
A Marine walks into a bar for a quick drink. He is telling the bartender that there is not many things that challange him anymore. The bartender tells him: I will give you a free tab is you can meet my challange! The Marine asks what's involved (he never backsdown from anything). The bartender tells him he has three challanges to meet. First, the big biker at the end of the bar has to be knocked out with one punch. Secondly, my Pitbull, out in the alley, has an abscessed tooth that needs to be pulled and all you get is this pair of pliers. Finally, my landlord is an 80 year old women that has not had sex since 1946, you need to go upstairs and screw her. The Marine says "No Sweat!" He walkes to the end of the bar, taps the biker on the shoulder and as he turns around the Marine nails him square on the chin and knockes him out cold. The Marine turns around walks thru the bar to the back door and outside. For the next ten minutes the bartender hears his dog yelping and whining in pain. It finally stop and the Marine comes back inside the bar and says, "OK, where the old lady with the abcessed tooth!"


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