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Kelly's Bar Jokes
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Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alex Lewis
Your mama is so fat when she wore a Malcom X shirt a helicopter tried to land on her

Smile This Joke was Submitted By vin-man
Did you see bob dole got jack kemp out of trouble??? yeah, he took the fall!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Colin MacLeod Simpson
A young man goes into a pharmacey and approaches the counter. The pharmacist says "what can I get you young fella?". He replies "condoms, I got a date tomorrow.". "Will that be a 3-pack, 6-pack, or 12-pack?" the pharmacist asks. "Well she seems pretty hot to me, so maybe I should go with the 12-pack." The next day his date calls and suggests they have dinner at her place before they go out. He arrives at her home and it turns out she lives with her parents. So they sit down to dinner and the father says "son why don't you say grace." Ho does, and it's a very long, very religious grace, with even a morale lesson at the end. After dinner he offers to help with the dishes. His girlfriend leans over to him and says "You never told me you were so religious." To which he replies "You never told me your father owned a drug store."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By G.HAYNE
what did the Mongol say to his dog ? "Down Syndrome"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris
One day a wealthy man decides to get married, but unfortunately, he has 3 different women who he wants to marry. So he decides to give each woman $50,000 and see how wisely she invests it......the first woman blows the entire 50 grand on herself, the second woman spends half on herself, and half on the man....the third woman is smart.. she spends the entire fortune on gifts for the man......so who did he marry? The one with the biggest tits of course.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mark Pickering
Q: What is the definition of self destruction??
A: An epileptic leppar

Smile This Joke was Submitted By "Tiny" Tim
Did you hear about the blind gynecologist? - He could still read lips

Smile This Joke was Submitted By joe
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? - You can unscrew the lightbulb.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh Hiller
What do you get when you stand a blond on her head?----A brunette with bad breath.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Timothy Daniel
Q: What's the difference between a juicy pussy and parsly?
A: Nobody eats parsely.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Crazy Eight
If Government gets up your nose......Then picket.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dan Blackburn
Q: What do you call four mexicans in quicksand?
A: Quatro Cinco

Smile This Joke was Submitted By thomas, p.
There were 2 blonds at the veterinary.1 had a great dane and 1 had a poodle. The one with the great dane asked the one with the poodle, "What are you here for?". She answered, "I am here to get him neutered." She said, "Oh, I see, why is that?". The woman with the poodle replied, "Because every time I have company over, he is always mounting their legs." The blond with the great dane said, "I have a similar problem, everytime I bend over, my dog mounts me." The poodle owner asked, "Are you here to get him neutered too?". She said, "NO, I'M HERE TO GET HIS NAILS CUT!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John F. Kazanovicz
This guy's wife slips into a coma, so he decides to take her to the hospital. The doctor looks her over and says "Boy, she's really bad...she's basically on her last leg!" With this the guy returns home upset. The nurse deciding that she should be presentable when she passes on decides to give her a sponge bath. As she cleans her vagina the monitor starts to react "Beep........Beep........Beep.....Beep..Beep..Beep" She immediately summons the doctor. "Watch this!" she explains "As I wash her vagina she starts to react and come out of the coma!" "Beep........Beep........Beep.....Beep..Beep..Beep" With this the doctor calls the husband and explains "Go behind that curtain and perform oral sex!" The nurse and doctor watch the monitor "Beep....Beep....Beep...Beep Beep Beep Beep" then all of a sudden "Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep", it flatlines. The doctor asks the husband what happened. The guy explains "I don't know...I guess she just choked to death!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By alyg8r
Did you Here McDonalds is trying to by an arena? - They are going to re name it th Mac Arena !!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joshua Sanchez
3 guys went on a ski trip. they rented out a cabin which it only had one bed. The three guys sleeped in the same bed. The next day the guy on the right said that he had a dream that a girl was jeking him off, the guy on the left said he had the same dream. The guy in the middle said that he had a dream that he was skiing.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sarah
Look down your shirt and spell A-T-T-I-C.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason Reid
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. The man can't see any other buildings in the area, but he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man." "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By susan schmidt
No matter who you vote for, the government always gets in.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kevin
Two guys were talking and one guy said "Yesterday I was walking along the railroad tracks and I came across a woman tied to the tracks." "What did you do?" asked the other guy "Well, I untied her of course." "Then what happened?" "After I untied her we had the best sex!" "WOW, did you get any head? "No, I couldn't find that!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shannon
This old man is riding the city bus. He is watching the people get on the bus and get off of the bus. At one stop, a kid with a mohwak gets onto the bus. He had his mohawk dyed all of the colors of the rainbow; red, purple, orange, etc. The old man can't take his eyes off of the kid. He just keeps staring and staring. Finally, the kid gets up and walks over to the old man and says, "Haven't you ever done anything wild and crazy beofre in your life?" The old man replies, "Yes, once I fucked a parrot and I think you may be my son!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shannon
Q: How does a faggot fake an orgasim?
A: He spits on his partners back!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shannon
Q: What is the difference between a blonde bartender and the Panama Canal?
A: One is a busy ditch!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Renee
There were three guys that were stranded on a desert, and they haven't eaten in weeks! They spot this cottage. When they reach it and knock on the door this 300lb., old, dirty woman answers the door. They ask if she can spare some food to give to them and she says, "You can have anything you want...but there is one circumstance..." They knew she wasn't kidding when she said they could have anything cause 1/2 of it was displayed all over the table. They quickly yelled, "Sure anything!" And she told them that she was very lonely and wanted to have sex, with one or all of the men. They were so hungry they didn't care! The first guy went into her bedroom and saw that it was completely empty with just two corns of cobb in the corner. She quickly took off her clothes and once he saw how nasty and gross she looked, he jumped out the window. She called,"Neeexxtt", seductively, and the 2nd man went in. When he saw how nasty and gross she was, he too jumped out the window. When the third guy walked in and saw how nasty and gross she was he went for the window but then spotted the corn on the cobs! He grabbed one and told her to close her eyes, forcefully he thrusted the cobb inside her and out a couple times, then threw it out the window. She moaned in pleasure and said if he could do it again he could eat for life! He grabbed another, stuck it in her and then threw it out the window. When he walked outside stuffed as could be he bragged to his friends. He said "i had the most wonderful feast".. they said "ahh man you missed it we just had the best corn on the cob ...with butter.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kyle
Q: What does FAG stand for?
A: Former Arkansas Governor

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kyle
This guy walked into a bar. He had a drink and asked the bartender if he was a gambling man. The bartender replied, "Well I like to bet a little bit." The man then said, "I bet $20.00 that I can lick my left eye." The bartender said, "No way, your on." The man then took out his glass eye licked it and then put it back in his eye socket. The bartender got all pissed off so the man gave him a chance to win his money back, he said to the bartender, "Double or nothing, I can bite my right eye." The bartender agreed since he saw the man walk in, he couldn't have two glass eyes. The man then proceeded to take out his dentures and bite his right eye. The bartender paid him the $40.00. He saw this man walk around all night to the tables making all kinds of money with all the people in the bar. Later that night the man came back to the bar and said to the bartender,"Look, I have made so much money tonight I am going to give you a third chance to get your money back." "See this shot glass here, I will place it at one end of the bar, and I will stand at the other end of the bar." "I bet I can pee in the shot glass without getting one drip on your bar." The bartender thought long and hard and said, "Well, you can't have a detachable penis....ok I'll bet." The man stood up on the bar pulled out his penis and pissed all over the bar. The bartender got all happy and started laughing. The man got down while the bartender started cleaning the piss off the bar. The bartender asked,"Why did you bet me? You knew you couldn't pee in that tiny glass without spilling it." The man replied, "Well you see all those guys sitting down at the tables? Well I bet them $1,000.00 that you wouldn't clean piss up off your bar with a smile on your face."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Doe
WORLD'S GREATEST PICK-UP LINE. He says: Hi honey do you like apples? She says: Yes He says: Well how about I take you home and fuck you're brains out. How do you like them apples?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By The Ambassador
A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender sais "hey, we don't serv food in here!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By william h whatley
I don't have any jokes but I think yours are TERRIFFIC. I mean great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By RenWa
A tramp stopped at a farm house and asked to stay the night. The farmer said, "Hell no!" and slammed the door in his face. He walked down the road, and as he passed the farmer's corn field, he noticed that pumpkins were also growing there. Wanting to get back at the farmer the tramp scooped out the insides of one of the larger pumpkins, shit in it and replaced the lid. A few months later, passing through the same area, he stopped again and apologized for his foul deed. Instead of getting mad, as he expected, the farmer went to the telephone and rang up his neighbor. "Hello, Guy, this is Sye --well, you were right about the pie."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By RenWa
A drunk went to a bar and had a few drinks. Finally, he asked the bartender where the "john" was. "Just down the hall to your left. But, be careful, the light bulb burned out and I haven't changed it yet." The drunk went off. About five minutes later a blood curdling scream came from the area of the rest room. Grabbing a flashlight the bartender rushed in and asked what happened. Sobered somewhat, the drunk said, "Ghees, I came in, sat down and did my business. When I reached back to flush, something jumped up and grabbed my balls." The bartender flashed the light around and said, "Why, you damn fool --you're sitting on the MOP BUCKET!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By scott
TWO BLOKES WALKING ROUND A CAR YARD. ONE SAYS TO THE OTHER "THAT'S THE ONE I'D GET" AND A CYCLOPS WALKED UP A SMACKED HIM.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By paul meloan
Illiterate? Write for help.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mat Piller
A farmer strolled into London for the first time in his life, and it happenned to be the Festival of Candy. This is the day the king and queen hand out treats to all passersby from their portable thrones. Upon being beckoned, the farmer, after quizically looking at the king, began giving the queen one of the more intimate pleasures a woman can receive. Despite the queen's smiling, the king had the stranger put in the blocks and called for the executioner. When the king asked the man if he had any last words, the bloke replied, "Your Majesty, I could have sworn you asked me if I wanted to lick 'er itch!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mike
Q:What do you get when you turn a blond upside down?
A: A brunette with bad breath!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike
Q: What do you call foreskin on a faggot?
A: Mudflaps.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Brook Abernathy
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We don't serve your kind!" The mushroom said "Why not I'm a fungi."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mick
Your momma's so fat, she sat on a quarter and snots blew out Washington's nose!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kelli
Q: What do you call two skunks 69ing?
A: Odor-eaters

Q: What do you get when you cross a gay and a dinosaur?
A: a megasoreass

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Slimy Sam
Q. Why Did Hugh Grant Cross The Street?
A. The Good Hookers Were Over There!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Charles
Two men were playing a friendly game of golf when they got on the subject of jobs. The first man said,"I'm a carpenter. What are you?" To which the second man replied,"Swear to me that you won't tell a soul. Well, I'm a hit man." The second guy replies, "No shit!!" Yeah", says the second guy,"You know this golf club I've been playing with. Well I can turn it into a high powered telescopic rifle." So he does and he hands it to the first guy, and after awhile he can see his house. He looks into the backyard and sees his wife fooling around with the neighbor. He tells the hit man to kill both his wife and the neighbor for $5000. The hit man aims carefully and asks where he wants them both shot. The first man says,"Shoot my wife in the mouth the lying, whining bitch, and shoot my neighbor in the balls the frisky bastard." The hit man aims once again and still hasn't fired for five minutes. The first guy asks what's wrong to which the hit man replied, "Hold on and I might be able to save you $5000.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Harold Stevens
Did you hear about the cute little girl that went into a beauty shop eating a hostess twinky? As she was sitting there getting a haircut the lady said, "Oh you're getting hair on your twinky", the little girl got a big grin on her face and said, "Yes and my boobs are getting big too".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By josh
WHAT DID RAGGEDY ANN SAY WHEN SHE SAT ON PINOCCHIO'S FACE?
TELL A LIE!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By HEATHER
THIS GUY WAS TRYING TO TELL HIS FIEND ON A ROOF THAT HE NEEDED TO TALK TO HIM. THE GUY YELLED OUT LOUD "I NEED TO TALK TO YOU". THE GUY'S FRIEND LOOKED AT HIM AND MADE A MOVEMENT LIKE HE WAS JACKING OFF. THE GUY SAID HE MUST NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING. SO HE GOES UP TO THE TOP OF THE BUILDING AND SAYS TO HIS FRIEND I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU I NEEDED TO TALK TO YOU AND HIS FRIEND SAID I WAS TRYING TO SAY I WAS CUMMING!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim Norton
The monsignor and the bishop were at the alter late Saturday night in preparation for Mass on Sunday. The bishop is deep in his prayers when the Monsignor hears the back door to the church open and sees a drunk stagger in. Banging his bottle on the pews as he goes, the drunk makes it to one of the confessional booths, goes in, and pulls the curtain behind him. "Wow, what a witness for the power of God this man could be!" thinks the Monsignor, so he scurries over to the back side of the booth, sits down inside, slides open the little door, and waits anxiously for the drunks' confession. Soon, the Monsignor realizes that the drunk is only mumbling and not really coherent, so to prompt him, the Monsignor gently says,"May I help you, my son?" The drunk shot back: "Yeah, man... is there any paper on your side?".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By YANKEE
One day in the jungle an ant was passing by a quick sand hole when he noticed an elephant that had become trapped in the quick sand. Julian, the ant asked Butch, the elephant if he needed some help. butch said "yes, if you get me outa here i'll be deeply indebted to you." Julian got his BMW and hooked it up to Butch's trunk and pulled him out. Butch was deeply indebted. A short time latter as Butch was walking thru the jungle he heard cries of "help" coming from the pit. It was Julian trapped in the pit. Butch knew what to do. He went over to the pit and dropped his dick into the pit and instructed Julian to hop on and climb out. Julian did just that and was rescued. THE MORAL OF THE STORY : WHEN YOUY HAVE A BIG DICK YOU DON'T NEED A BMW.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Billy Grissom
Q:What's the difference between like and love?
A:Spit and swallow

Smile This Joke was Submitted By YANKEE
A GUY AND HIS GIRL WERE DRIVING THROUGH THE PARK ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON WHEN HE SWERVED TO AVOID A MOTHER SKUNK AND HER LITTLE SKUNKS. AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT, HE DROVE OVER THE MOTHER SKUNK AND KILLED HER BUT MISSED THE BABY SKUNKS. HE PICKED UP THE LITTLE SKUNKS AND PLACED THEM ON HIS GIRL FRIENDS LAP AND PROCEEDED TO DRIVE OFF. A SHORT TIME LATTER THEY WERE STOPPED BY A PARK RANGER. THE DRIVER SAID "HURRY AND HIDE THE SKUNKS." HIS GIRLFRIEND SAID "WHERE?" HE SAID " PUT THEM UNDER YOUR SKIRT!" SHE SAID " WHAT ABOUT THE SMELL?" HE SAID "PINCH THEIR LITTLE NOSES!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ZIG
Q: Why do doctors always slap newborns on the butt?
A: To knock the peckers off the dumb ones.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Eric Charron
A man can't get an erection, no matter how hard he tries. He goes to his doctor, who say "I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that the muscles in your penis are degenerating, and you'll never be able to get it up again." The man frowns, says "That sure is bad news, what good news could possibly cheer me up?" The doctor explains that there is a new process where they take the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk and implant them into the man's penis. "Well, the thought of life without sex is too much to bear. Let's have the operation." The day after the operation, the man is with his girlfriend in a restaurant. He is so excited to share his news, he gets a raging hard-on. He says, "Honey, I have a surprise for you." He unzips his pants, and his penis flashes out, grabs a dinner roll off of the table, and goes back under the table. "Wow," his girlfriend cries, "do that again!" The man, wiping tears from his eyes, says "Give me a few minutes, I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Juleen Bosteder-Saynor
Q: What do you call a blonde at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A: An air bubble.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Carter
Q: What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A: You can't hear a vitamin.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By CANE
Q: Why didnt the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didnt HAVE THE GUTTS!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kelly
CONDOMS COME IN THREE SIZES, SMALL, MEDIUM AND LIAR.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kelly
Q: Why do men prefer virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sarah
The difference between a bitch and a whore. A whore lets anyone fuck her, a bitch lets anyone one but you fuck her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sarah
What's the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis called? A man.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John F. Kazanovicz
There was a German Shepard, Pitbull and Collie in seperate cages in a kennel. The German Shepard turns to the Pitbull and asked "Why are you in here?" The Pitbull answers "There was this little kid who kept smacking me in the head with a stick...so I got so mad I attacked him. Now they're going to put me to sleep." The Pitbull asks the German Shepard "Why are you here?" The German Shepard answers "There was this dog that lived next door to me that wouldn't stop barking. It got so mad I tore him to shreads. Now they're going to put me to sleep." The two dogs turn to the Collie and ask "Why are you here?" The Collie says "I have this beautiful owner who left the bathroom door open when she was taking a shower. I was watching her and couldn't help getting all worked up. When she bent over to pick up the soap I attacked her and fucked the shit out of her." The two dogs asked "And they're going to put you to sleep for that?" "No" the Collie replied "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Solly
Q: What does a Blonde say after having sex ?
A: Are all you guys on the same team?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Debra Wood
An elephant is happily walking through the woods, when suddenly she falls into a very deep hole. Stunned and scared she cries out for help. No one answers, she keeps crying out for help until finally in desperation she sits down and begins to weep. All of a sudden she hears a very faint voice say 'Mrs. Elephant' so she replies 'Who's there, help me I'm trapped in this hole' She hears a reply again and looks down to see an ant in the hole with her. Relieved that the ant is there to help her, she says 'Oh Mr. Ant, help me please, please climb out of the hole and get me some help. Mr. Ant replies 'I'll help you but you have to return the favor' to which she agrees. The ant then tells her that before he will go for help she has to let him climb into her @ss. She begins to cry again and says 'Oh that's terrible, but I have no choice, I'll die in this hole, so go ahead then'. The ant then climbs up her leg and inside her @ss. Meanwhile their is a monkey in the tree amusingly watching what is happening below him in this hole. He picks up a coconut and throws it into the hole, hitting the elephant on the head. 'OUCH!!!' the elephant screams, to which the ant replies 'Take it all you b*tch!'

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe Tocco
What's the difference between a "Pick-pocket" and a "Peeping Tom?"
A Pick-pocket snatches watches.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By antiqa
why do french-canadians fuck doggie-style? so they can both can watch the hockey game

Smile This Joke was Submitted By nick
Your so ugly your mom had to tie a steak around your neck to get the dog to play with you!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mitchell Evans
A man walks to a magic mirror and says, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my penis touch the floor." So his legs fell off.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mitchell Evans
Jesus walks into a bar and the bartender goes, "Oh my God!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bubba S
Your mother is like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BOBCAT
A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR WITH A PAPER BAG AND GOES UP TO THE BARTENDER AND BETS HIM HE CAN PULL A 12 INCH MAN OUT OF THE SACK THE BARTENDER SAYS HE' LL GIVE HIM A BEER IF HE DOES SO THE GUY OPENS THE SACK AND A LITLE MAN WALKS OUT THEN THE GUY SAYS I CAN ALSO MAKE HIM PLAY THE PIANO THE BARTENDER AGREES TO GIVE THE GUY ANOTHER BEER IF HE CAN MAKE THE LITTLE MAN PLAY A PIANO SO THE GUY PULLS OUT A LITTLE PIANO AND THE LITLE MAN STARTS PLAYING IT AND THE BARTENDER IS SIMPLY AMAZED AND ASKS THE MAN HOW HE OBTAINED SUCH A SMALL MAN THE GUY REPLIED I WISHED FOR IT FROM MY GENEE THE BARTENDER ASKS THE MAN IF HE CAN ASK THE GENEE FOR A WISH THE GUY SAYS SURE SO THE BARTENDER THINKS FOR A MINUTE AND WISHES FOR A MILLION BUCKS AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN THEIR ARE A MILLION DUCKS IN HIS BAR THE BARTENDER GETS ALL PISSED OFF AND SAYS WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS I ASKED FOR A MILLION BUCKS THE GUY LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS YOU DONT THINK I REALY ASKED FOR A 12 INCH PIANIST DO YOU.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave and Josh
( MY WAY OF THINKING) I WOULD RATHER BE A PUD PULLER THAN A PETER PUFFER.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ken DeBolt
Your mama's so fat, they wouldn't let her wear a Malcom X jacket because helicopters kept trying to land on her back.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andy
Your mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles came out

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tamie
Your so ugly your mama tied a pork chop around your neck and the dog still wouldn't play with you.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tom Quek
One day, the Lone Ranger was captured by the Indians; and the Indian Chief says, "We are going to kill you, but we will grant you three wishes before you die." So, as a wish, Lone Ranger calls his trusty horse, Silver, over and whispered in his ear. Silver took off running and came back with a blonde. The Chief loan him use of his teepee. After an hour, Lone Ranger came out and whispered Silver's ear; Silver took off and came back with a red head. The Chief again loan him the use of his teepee. After an hour, Lone Ranger came out and again whispered into Silver's ear; He said, "Silver, I said Get POSSE, this is our last chance."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Huck Finn
Q: What's the difference between a job and a wife ?
A: After five years, the job still sucks !

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TYGUY
What do you call the useless skin surrounding the vagina?
ANSWER: THE BLONDE

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JASON PORT
Why did the condom fly across the room?
A: It got pissed off.
Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me iam going in.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason Huffman
yo mama is so fat while I was licking her out my hat fell in so I went in after it, and while I was in there I met an indian and I asked him have you seen my hat and he goes heck with your hat, have you seen my horse?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By domenica
Two farmers found a pig, they both claimed it. They decided to kick the hell out of each other for five minutes each until one gave up. The one who would give in, lost the pig. Farmer number 1 told farmer number 2 "Go ahead, you first". Farmer No. 2 started kicking farmer No.1. After 5 minutes, farmer No. 2 stops and says "It is your turn now but I changed my mind. Just keep the fucking pig".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kris
your mammas so fat your cousens call her ant artica

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris
Your mamma's so fat, when I finished shagging her I rolloed over twice, and was still on top of her!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By rooooot
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
Damned we do taste like chicken!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeremy
Q:What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
A: All you can eat for under a buck

Smile This Joke was Submitted By "Notch"
Your mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.
Your mama so fat she sat on a rainbow and skiddles burst out.
Your mama so fat she uses the highway for a slip n' slide

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe Bull
Jesus walks into a hotel and hands the manager some nails and says, "Can you put me up for the night."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeremy
Q.How do blondes like their eggs in the morning.
A. Unfertilized.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By beany
Your mama's so ugly even the bed bug's won't sleep with her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Barbara Sorensen
What do you call O.J. Simpson, Magic Johnson, and Mike Tyson all in one room together?
The butcher, The Laker, and The license plate maker.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh
Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?
A. He was stuck in the chicken!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BaldyYour mama's breath is so foul, she needs a tic-tac with a battery.
Your mama's so stupid, she thought you had to lick food stamps.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By pj poo
A blonde is just like a piece of chicken you eat the meat and throw out the bone.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Eric Raymond
One day this guy wanted to start his own farm so he went to a sales barn to buy some animals so he says "I'LL TAKE ONE ROOSTER" and the guy says we don't call it a rooster we call it a cock "OK I'LL TAKE ONE COCK" so he's lookin around lookin around and says "I'll TAKE ONE CHICKEN " well we don't call it a chicken we call it a pullet" OK I'LL TAKE ONE PULLET " so he's lookin around and lookin around and he says "I'LL TAKE ONE DONKEY" well we don't call it a donkey we call it an ass "OK I'LL TAKE ONE ASS" but there is one thing about the ass, it gets stuburn so if it does you have to tickle it, so he gets walkin down the road and his ass gets stuburn and this hot chick comes along and says is there anything I can do for you and he says "HOLD MY COCK AND PULLET WHILE I TICKLE MY ASS"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kimberly
Why did the blond get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away all the Ws

Smile This Joke was Submitted By scorpio
Your house is so nasty I walked in and saw cockroaches hang-gliding on dorito chips.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim A
Why did the cyclops have to quit teaching school?
Because he only had one pupil.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim A
Your mama's so fat she had to be baptised at Sea World.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jane Quinn
This guy goes into a cake shop and going up to the assistant asks if they have any gatucks cake. The assistant replies oh you mean Gat-oh. She gets it for him and when he pays says Come again soon. The man replies I will in my boll-oh

Smile This Joke was Submitted By KJNBOY
This scientist clones himself, and everyone's happy because it's a big scientific breakthrough. Well, the doctor and the clone start living, when the doctor realizes that the clone has a really dirty mouth and is cussing all the time. Well, the doctor had enough of it, and takes the clone to the roof and throws him off. The police came and arrested him for making and obscene clone fall. (obscene phone call)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Big Nasty
A guy walks into a bar and orders a dozen tequillas. The bartender lines them up and says, "That's a lot of alcohol son, what's the occasion?" The guys smiles and says, "yeah, first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well that's damn exciting! How about four more on the house?" The guy says, "No, if these first 12 don't get that taste out of my mouth, nothing will!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason Norris
What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tom
An elderly man was walking down the road when he spotted a frog. The frog said, "If you will kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The old man thought this interesting, so he picked up the frog and put it into his pocket. The frog began to thrash about in his pocket so he took it out. The frog said, "Don't you understand? If you will kiss me I will turn into a beautiful young princess and you can have your way with me." Again, the old man put the frog into his pocket and continued walking. Now the frog was really upset and very aggitated. The old man again removed the frog from his pocket. The frog said, "All you have to do is kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful princess and I will do ANYTHING for you. I will be yours forever. Kiss me and I'm yours--can't you understand?" The old man said, "Yes, I understand, but at my age I would just as soon have a talking frog."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bo
This guy walks into this bar and orders 6 shots of brandy. As soon as the bartender gives him his 6 shots the guy drinks them down as fast as he can. when he is finished the bartender asks: "Why did you drink them so fast" and the guy replies " you would too if you only had 39 cents

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ROBERT POWELL
Yo Mama, Is soooooo.... NASTY that she puts ice down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By derek mickey
There are three third grade girls a blond, burnette and a red haired girl which one has the bigest tits? The blond she's 18
What is the differance between a blond and a bitch?
The blond will fuck anyone but the bitch will fuck anyone but you.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gavin
Your mama's so stupid on a job application when she saw sign here she wrote..Capricorn

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dan Johnson
A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a parrot. While he is looking at these parrots and one starts talking to him. The parrot says, sir why don't you buy me and the man asks why. The bird replies, well when you go off to work in the morning and return in the afternoon I can tell you what is happening in your house and in fact I am on sale. The man asks why. The bird replies I have no legs. The man asks then how are you on that perch. The bird replies I have my pecker wrapped around it. So the man buys the bird, goes off to work and comes home in the afternoon and asks the bird what had happened today. The bird replied,well,the mailman came, the man asks, yeah and what else.The bird replied,he started kissing your wife.The man said yeah and what else.The bird replied again, they started taking each others clothes off. The man said yeah and what else. The bird replied I don't know I popped a boner and fell off the damn perch.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TiTo(D-MeNtEd)
Yo mama teeth are so yellow, I can't beleive it's not butter!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Puckin' Furdue
A man went to a doctor and said, "Doctor, help me! My dick is orange. The doctor says, "Well let me run some tests. He came back later and told the man, "Everything seems to be just fine. Please, tell me what you do in your spare time? The man replied, "Well I don't do much else than eat Cheetos and watch pornos.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ELLEN
YOUR MAMA'S FEET ARE SO NASTY, YOU HAVE CORN FOR EVERY MEAL.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ELLEN KWAN
YOUR MAMA IS SO FAT, SHE HAS MORE ROLLS THAN A BREAD SHOP

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Karen Parry
Your momma is so fat, she has to iron her pants in the driveway.
Your momma's cooking is so raunchy, the garbage disposal threw up.
Your momma's cooking is so raunchy, you pray after you eat.
Your momma's cooking is so raunchy, the flys flew out and fixed the screen door behind them.
Your momma's cooking is so raunchy, the cockroaches are anarexic.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By chico
You are just like a squirrel, you always got nuts in your mouth. Yo mom is like a shotgun one cock and she blows.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh
Q: What do you do if four gay guys walk into a bar and there is only 1 stool left?
A:turn the stool over.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeeshwaw
There were these four guys sitting in a gay bar and they all heard a deep rumbling fart then they all heard another and one more, then they all heard a little sqeak and the first says: "ok who's the virgin

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeeshwaw
There was a pig who walked into a bar and drank about five bears afterwards, he asked the bartender where the bathroom was because he really had to go, then when he left the second pig came in and drank about twenty five bears and then asked for the bathroom, then finally the third pig came and drank everything in the building and then the bartender said: let me guess you have to use the bathroom and the pig said no thanks I'll just wee wee wee all the way home.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BEAUTIFUL BLONDE
A MAN IS WALKING THROUGH A FOREST, WHEN HE COMES UPON A CASTLE. HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND A CHINESE MAN ANSWERS. "MAY I STAY HERE? I'M TIRED." THE CHINESE MAN LOOKS AT HIM AND REPLYS "AS LONG AS YOU DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER. OR I'LL PUT YOU TO THE THREE CHINESE TORTURE TESTS." "OK" SAYS THE MAN. AS HE IS WALKING TO HIS ROOM HE SEES THE DAUGHTER. SHE IS FINE! SO HE SNEAKS INTO HER ROOM. THREE HOURS LATER HE COMES OUT AND RETURNS TO SLEEP IN HIS ROOM. WHEN HE WAKES UP THERE IS A HUGE ROCK ON HIS CHEST. ON THE ROCK A NOTE READS "FIRST CHINESE TORTURE TEST ROCK ON CHEST." HE PICKS UP THE BOULDER AND THROWS IT OUT THE WINDOW. A NOTE NEAR THE WINDOW SAYS "SECOND CHINESE TORTURE TEST. RIGHT TESTICLE TIED TO ROCK." THE MAN JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW AND ON THE WAY DOWN GRABS THE ROCK. A NOTE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROCK SAYS "THIRD CHINESE TORTURE TEST. LEFT TESTICLE TIED TO BEDPOST."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By C. MERET
Q: WHAT DID ONE LESBIAN FROG SAY TO THE OTHER LESBIAN FROG?
A: "THEY'RE RIGHT. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dickie Schwantz
Two carrots were walking down the street when one of them stepped off the curb and got run over by a truck. The ambulance came and took him to the emergency room and while he was there, his buddy was in the waiting room. After several hours, the doctor came out and the buddy rushed up to see how he was doing. the doctor said,"We managed to save him, but he'll be a VEGETABLE for the rest of his life."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Doe
Kelly's mama is so fat that when she saw a wreck she provided the jaws of life.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rhinox
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your significant other will always blow your bonus.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Keith Gauker
Your moma is so poor, I walked in your house asked her what's for dinner? She jumped up on the table spread her legs and said fish!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Carl
Q: what did the little girl say when she was asked " why do you have a Goldfish in your pocket?"
A: She replied " I just wanted to smell like a big Girl"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Red Dogg
Your momma is so stupid she failed a blood test.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Samuel garcia
What does a blone put behind her ear to make her self more attractive?.... her ankles

Smile This Joke was Submitted By UNKNOWN
What has 240 teeth and holds a beast? My zipper!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duchess
A man brakes out of jail. They ask him; "why did you brake out of jail?" he says; "I wanted to get married" They say; "Wow, you sure do have a strange concept of freedom!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By KEITH
OK IF 7-ELEVEN IS OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK AND 24 HOURS A DAY AND 365 DAYS A YEAR ....THEN WHY DO THEY HAVE LOCKS ON THEIR DOORS???

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Adam
2 guys go into a bar, one goes to take a piss and the other says take one for me will you. The guy comes back, punches the other guy and says you never said you had to take a shit.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Adam
What do you call a blond that is bending over?
A brunette with bad breath.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ivana Tinkle
Your mammas like a dog, all it does is lick, bite and begs for more!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Blake Hale
Yo mammas like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gosta Zetterberg
Your mamas' breath is so foul, when she talks her teeth duck.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Debbie Weinel
Your mama's so stupid she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out the W's.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By justin (k)
There is a black guy walking down the beach and hits his toe on something hard and he looks to see what it is and it was a lamp so he wipes it off and out came a genie and the black guy asks if he is realy a genie and he goes I will grant you 1 wish so think about it real hard then the black guy goes I want you to build me a highway from here to africa but the genie goes well that might be a little hard so think about another wish so the black guy goes alright I want my next kid to be a genius then the genie goes do you want that two lanes or four?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By hue jass
Yo mamas so fat, she stepped onto a scale and it said one at a time please.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Elzy
What is red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
What is green and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.
What is blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket holding its breath.
What is clear and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket playing hide and seek.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Elzy
What is brown and sticky? A stick.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Elzy
A bull walks into a bar and asks the bartender or a beer. The bartender declines, telling the bull that they don't serve animals. The bull leaves the bar a little pissed off. The next night he comes in and makes the same request for a beer and is once again denied. Now he is starting to get quite angry, but nevertheless leaves. The third night he comes in and calmly makes his request for a beer. He is knocked back by the same excuse so, without another word leans forward and takes a huge bite out of the bar then leaves. On the fourth night he comes back and orders a beer. The bartender says no, we don't serve drug addicts. The bull has a puzzled look on his face and asks what the hell he was talking about. The bartender says, what about that barbituate last night???

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ryan jacobe
Tom: Why did the chicken cross the road?
John: To get to the other side.
Tom: No, to get the chinese newspaper. Get it?
John: No.
Tom: Me neither, I get The Herald.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Stud
What did the electrician say to the carpenter? Look, do you have carpet on your back or do you need a shave?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Stud
A horse walks into a pop machine and spits out $8.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ross
Your mother is so fat that when her beeper goes off in stores, people think that she is backing up.....

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ?????????
There was three guys waiting in line to go to heaven. Saint Peter says, "Heaven is kinda full right now if you can give me a good reason and how you died I'll let you in" so they all agree. Yhe first guy goes and says this " I came home early from work cause I heard my wife was having an affair, so I walked in the door and I saw her in bed naked. I asked her why she was home. She said she was sick. So I went out on the balcony and saw a guy hanging off the side so I start beating his hands with a sledge hammer and he fell but a bush broke his fall. so I take my refrigerator and throw it on him but durring all this I have a heart attack and die." So Saint Peter nods his head and lets him in. The second guy walks up and tells his story "I was practicing gymnastics on my balcony when I feel and grabbed on some guys balcony and he comes out and starts hitting my hands with a sledge hammer so I fall but a bush broke my fall then he throws his refigerator on me. so I died." Saint Peter nods his head and lets him in. The third guy comes up and says, "I was butt-naked in a refrigerator"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erika
YO mama is like a hardware store, 10 cents a screw.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tim
Q:Why do blondes wear underwear?
A:To keep their ankes warm.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By baby geeners
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a wall? Art!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs behind a boat? Skip!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs swimming? Bob!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your mailbox? Bill!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Aaron Jensen
Let's do a math equation. Start with a room, Add a bed, subtract our clothes, devide your legs and multiply!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sarah
There was a guy walking down the road when he came upon a majic genie lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out came a genie. "You have three wishes, but be careful!" The man thought and thought. He was black, and people were racist, so he said, "I want to be white." he thought some more and realized he had no friends. "I want to be popular!" and he didn't have any girlfriends so he said, "I want to be around women." The genie said, "Are you sure?" "Yes!" "Are you really sure?" Yes!" "Are you REALLY sure?" "Yes, damn it! I want to be white, populer, and around women!" he screamed. The genie pointed his finger, said a few majic words, and the man turned into a bra.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sarah
There was once this Indian guy and he didn't like his name so he went to the chief and asked him if he could change it. "No!" the chief said, "You know our custom! After the woman gives birth she looks out of the Tepee and names the child after the first thing she sees." the man sighed and said, "Well, thanks anyway, Chief Running Deer." The chief replied, "You're welcome, Two Dogs Fucking."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sarah
There were three homeless guys walking down the street when they got very hungry. They saw a REALLY REALLY REALLY fat lady sitting on her porch. They went up and asked for some food. "You can only have food if you will have sex with me." she said. Two of the men agreed, the other did not. The first man went in the house and on his way to the bedroom he saw a peeled banana. He picked it up and instead of having sex with her he just used the banana. After sex before she could realize, he threw it out the window. The second guy came in and saw a candy-cane. He used that and threw it out the window. The woman said it was the best she had ever had and gave the men all the food they could carry. The two men went outside and saw the third man. They offered him food but he said, "No, while you were in there I found this banana and candy cane laying right under the window. It was the best food I ever had!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sarah
One evening a man came into a bar and said to the bartender "No matter what, DO NOT let me get drunk!" the bartender was curious so he mixed all of the strogest drinks together and the man got drunk and went home. The next morning he came back and started screaming at the bartender. The bartender said, "I don't see what the big problem is." the man yelled, "I went home and blew chunkss all night long!" The bartender said, "So what? Everyone does that." the man replied, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By George Burns
Your momma's teeth are so yellow, "I can't believe there not butter!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melissa
There was a man that came home from work, and had a really bad day. His wife said, "Honey, the car broke down, I need you to fix it!" He said, "What do I look like Fuckin Mr. GoodWrench?" The next day he comes home in an even worse mood, and his wife asked him to fix the washer, and he said "What do I look like, Fuckin Mr. Maytag?". Then the next day he come home in a great mood and offered to fix the stuff she had asked him to and, she told him she had another guy to do it, and for payment I had to fuck him or bake him a cake and he asked her what kinda cake did she bake him, and she said,"What do I look like Fucking Betty Crocker"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sam
What bird represents the United States? The bald eagle.
What bird represents wisdom? The owl.
What bird represents love? The dove.
What bird represents TRUE love? THE SWALLOW!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JOSSY
A young man who is to be wed in a few weeks was dreaming one night of being in a jewelry shop measuring wedding rings. When he awakings, he finds that his own ringfinger is stuck his ass.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JOSSY
YOUR MOMMA'S HEAD IS SO BIG, WHEN SHE SLEEPS SHE DOESN'T HAVE DREAMS, SHE HAS MOVIES.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kelly
Three hoes are sitting in a bar talking. The first one says, "I'm so loose my husband can fit both thumbs up me." The second one says, "yeah, well I'm so loose my husband can fit both fists up me." Then they look over at the other one, and she's just sliding down the barstool.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Me
What do an eskimo and a ziplock bag have in common? They both like a tight seals!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By josef edwards
What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blowjobs? Ones a goodyear, the others a great year!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By lurch callinan
A guy in a phone booth sees an ad for "singing blowjobs". The guy thinks, "Hey, I've never had one of these. So he goes along to the address on the ad, walks in and there's a man sitting behind a desk. So he says to him "I'd like a singing blowjob, please." Man says "Sure. What song would you like?" Guy says "I'd really love some Andrew Lloyd Webber stuff". Man says "OK. Go down to that room at the end of the corridor. Go inside and leave the light off, and you'll get your singing blowjob." Guy walks into the pitch black room and stands there waiting. Next thing he feels two lips on his knob, and as he's getting sucked off, he's hearing "Don't cry for me Argentina..". Guy thinks "This is fucking great" and he chucks his load, zips up and walks outside. He's walking down the corridor when he says to himself " No. I have to find out if that was a tape recording. It sounded so realistic." So he walks back into the room and turns on the light. And there's this old woman sitting on the floor, putting back in her glass eye.
UP THE IRISH!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lurch Callinan
Three guys on an oil rig, been there for two months, with no sex except the trusty "five knuckle chuckle". So they go up to their boss and say "Boss, you gotta help us here. We haven't had any pussy for two months." Boss says "Leave it to me guys." On the boss' next visit to the mainland, he goes to a sex shop and buys a blow-up doll. He comes back to the oil rig and tells the three guys "OK. I've hired you lot a hooker. She's in the bedroom upstairs, lying on the bed. But there's one problem. She's quite shy, so you're going to have to leave the light off." The guys say "No problem. That's great." So the first guy goes into the room, and comes out an hour later, grinning from ear to ear, saying that was the best sex he's ever had. Second guy goes in, comes out an hour later, also grinning, claiming he's going to leave his wife. Third guy goes in, and comes out 30 seconds later with a bewildered look on his face. The other guys ask him "What happened? Why did you not use your whole hour?" Third guy says "Well lads, I dunno what happened in there. I took off my clothes and lay on the bed. She seemed a bit quiet, so to get her in the mood, I decided I'd give her a love bite. And the bitch farted and flew out the window."


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