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Kelly's Bar Jokes
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Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, were in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By GOD OF HELL
Q. How many blondes did it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A. 20. one to mix the dough and 19 to try and put chocolate onto potato chips.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Beer Bums 1
Q: What is the difference between A blonde and a limo.
A: Not everyone has been in a limo

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Touger
Q:What is the difference between a lightbulb and a blond?
A:The lightbulb is smarter but the blond is easier to turn on!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ashley
Q.Why was the blond staring at the orange juice bottle?
A.Because it said concentrate.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Daniel Fisch
Two blondes come across a set of tracks. The first blonde says, "Look, bunny rabbit tracks." The second blonde says, "No, they're bear tracks." "Bunny rabbit!" "Bear!" They argued about it until the train hit them.

How are a blonde and a pile of crap the same? The older they are, the easier they are to pick up!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet". So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money". The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paul
Living in Utah is like screwing your sister. It's not too bad, but you wouldn't want anyone to know.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paul
How can you tell if a blonde has gas?
A: Her panty hose swells up at the ankles.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michele Polek
Q: What do you call a blond with an I.Q?
A: A gloden retriver.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Randy
A woman went to the Doctor to inquire about breast implant surgery. He told her that the operation would cost around $3000. She said that she could never come up with that much money all at once and could not afford to have the procedure done. The Dr. was happy to tell her of a new idea he was wanting to try. He said he could put some little round balloons inside of her breasts and then he could make it so that her breast would enlarge upon demand just by pumping her arms. She had the test done and was very satisfied. She waited a couple of weeks and then went out for the first time since the operation. She saw a nice looking man at the bar. She walked up to him, pumping her arms as she approached him and said, "Say there handsome, wanna have a good time?" He was pumping his legs together as he said, "Hey, you and me must go to the same Doctor!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By David Lazarus
Yo moma's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike
Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike
Why don't blondes like vibrators?
They keep chipping their teeth.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Beyond Blonde
What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Adam
Two guys were standing at the top of Sears Tower. One man jumped off, but he didn't fall down. He said to the other man "You try it ! If I can, so can you!" The other man jumps off the building, falls down, and kills him self. Someone looked up on the roof of the sears tower, and said " O shit, superman is playing tricks again. "

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jay (RORY)
There is a guy sitting in a sauna with only a towel on. Two gay guys walk in and sit on each side of him. They take off their towels, and the guy on his left grabs his dick and says " This is coca-cola! Always coca-cola!!" The guy on his right grabs his dick and says "This is Pepsi! The choice of a new generation" Then one of the gay guys slips his hand up the guys towel, and says "What do you call your monkey?" The guy says "I call it Secret" The gay guys say "secret, I don't get it!" The man replies "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!!" LOL

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Wendel
Did you hear the one about the Egyptian girl that got laid in a tomb? She later became a mummy.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris
Q: What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?
A: A brunette with bad breathe.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lindsay
There was two gay guys that broke up. One of them was really horny and he needed to get some. He tried to go back to girls but it just wouldn't work. No other men would go out with him either. One night he went for a walk in the park and saw a drunk passed out guy on a bench. He butt f@$&%# him and left five dollars in his pocket. The next morning the drunk guy woke up and said to himself "hey I've got five dollars." So he went to the store and bought a bottle of five dollar wine. he got drunk again and passed out on the park bench. That night the gay guy came back and did the same thing again and left five dollars in his pocket. The next day the drunk guy found five dollars in his pocket and went to the store and bought five dollar wine again. That night the gay guy came back and butt F@#$%# him twice and left ten dollars in his pocket and the drunk guy woke up and said "hey I've got ten dollars today," so he went to the store and he said "Okay, I could get 2 bottles of five dollar wine or I can get one bottle of good wine" he thought about it and then he said "well I'll get the good wine" and the cashier said "why's that?" and the drunk guy says "That other stuff has been making my asshole burn like a hell!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Stacy
Why did the cucumber blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shaylynn
Did you hear about the Blonde who was so dumb, that she thought Taco Bell was a new Mexican Phone Company?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Danny
Q.What did the driving blond do when she saw a stop sign?
A.She jumped in the backseat.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alan Galbreath
There were some guys sitting in a bar,and one said he had to take a dump. They said there wasn't a bathroom down here, but maybe there's one upstairs. So the guy went up there and looked all around but couldn't find one. He saw a hole in the floor and said what the hell. When he came back downstairs, the tables and chairs were upside down and thrown all over the place, and the people were no where to be seen. The guy asked what happened down here, and the bartender said, "Where were you Mr.Spic and Span when the crap hit the fan?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alan Galbreath
A blonde that lived in the country was listening to the radio when she heard that the country was going to war. So she moved to the city.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alan Galbreath
Q:What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A:The winner from last year's hide and seek game.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Starkalien
A black guy, a cowboy and an indian are all sittin around having some beers. The indian looks at the other two and says "Once we were many, now we are few!" The Black guy says, "huh, once we were few, now we are many!" The cowboy looks at the black guy and says "That's cuz, we ain't played cowboys and niggers yet!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Huso Likojuf
Why does blonde crawl in the shop?
Because she is looking for low prices.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jimmy Dean
Your mama's so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of Hot Dogs.
Your mama's so dumb she tried to climb over a clear glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By F. Hertlein
What is the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's cock.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By colby
three women die and go to hell(2white and 1 black) once there they met the devil and he says white woman sit on my dick and she melted then he said white woman 2! come sit on my dick she did and she melted than he said black woman come sit on my dick she did but she did not melt and the devil said how come you didn't melt and she said milk chocolate melts in your mouth not on your dick.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By James Smith
If Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, & A smart Blond jumped out of a plane whith one whould hit the ground first?
None of them because there is no such thing as Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, or A Smart Blond

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ImStoogie
Q:What do you call 2 blondes in a freezer?
A:Frosted flakes

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ben Gertz
Q: What do you call Ben with a blonde??? A: bengay

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dew Kiss
Q: What is the diffrence between a man and goverment bonds?
A: Bonds mature

Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They want to be on a first name basis with the person that makes all their decisions for them*

Q: What does a man and a snow storm have in common?
A: You don't know when they are comming,how many inches you will get,or how long they will stay

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE,a man will screw anything!

Q: What is the diffrence between ET and a man?
A: ET phoned home!

Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted

Q: Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch

Smile This Joke was Submitted By colby the chessman
Cindy Cawford and a man were stranded on a deserted Island. After 3 weeks passed without rescue, nature began to take it's course and they made love. After a while the guy said wait a minute Cindy? "Can you put on my pants, shirt, shoes and tuck your hair under my hat?" She said yes. After that he went up to her and said, "Just between you and me I,m f**king Cindy Cawford!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By adam
Q: What would you do if a blonde threw a granade at you?
A:Pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Olivia Raths
Q: How does a blonde's braincell feel?
A: Alone.

Q: What's a blonde with 2 braincells?
A: Pregnant.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By roxie
There was two farmers who lived next store to each other. Fred and John . One day Fred was mating his cattle and the bull couldn't get hard. So Fred asks John how do you get your bulls horney. John says stick your fingers in the cows cunt and wipe it on the bulls nose. So Fred went to his farm and he does it, and it works. So Fred is wondering " I havn't got a hardon in about two years, will this work for me?" So that night Fred is lying in bed and shoves his fingers in his wifes cunt and wipes it on his nose and he gets a chub, he does it again and gets the biggest bonner of his life. He gets all excited and wakes up his wife and says " Look at this, she turns over and says "What, you never had a bloody nose before?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By GilNic
How does a blond try to kill a worm?
Bury it alive!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lindsay
What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kemii
A husband, married to his wife for many years had the irritating habit of always refering to her as mother of six. "Are you ready to go mother of six? - What's for supper mother of six? - Lets go mother of six." One day she had had enough. At a restaurant one evening after finishing their meal and paying the tab the husband says, "Lets go mother of six." She replied, "OK father of three."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erica
What is 6.9?
A great thing without the period.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Romeo
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
None,because Californians only screw in hot tubs.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sheryl
what do you get when you cross a blonde with a crayon? a chair.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anonymous
Q. Why did the blonde's belly button hurt?
A. Her boyfriend was blonde too.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JIMMY THE COOL GUY
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A LESBIAN FINGER FUCKING ANOTHER LESBIAN, AND A HARLEY DAVIDSON ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD?
ONE IS A BIKE IN THE DITCH, THE OTHER IS A DIKE IN A BITCH

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ryan
Q:How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:Ten one to hold the light bulb nine to turn the ladder.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By HOLLY
WHAT WOULD YOU GET IF YOU CROSSED A BLONDE AND A REDHEAD ?
SOMEONE WHO'S ALWAYS MAD BUT DOESN'T KNOW WHY.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Emily Malcolm
Q.How do you make a blond think she is color blind?
A.Give her a newspaper.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Danielle
What's the difference between a blonde and a BMW?
You wouldn't let your friend borrow your BMW

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Justin
Q. How do you keep a blond busy?
A. Put her in a round room and tell her to go to the corner.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jaime + Lacey
Q: Why did the blond jump off the Empire State building?
A: To see if her maxy wings could fly

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kevin Medeiros
Q: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde, and a bum are walking down the street together they all see a $1000 bill on the ground. Who gets to the bill first.
A: The bum baecause Santa Cluas, the Easter Bunny, and a smart blonde are all mythical creatures.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Routt
Why is a Blonde like a screen door?
The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By D.T.
Q:Why can't skeletons drive race cars?
A:Because they have no guts!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Poohbear
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rebecca
A blond decided to be smart one day so she dies her hair black. And then she went for a drive and she came across a farmer. And she asked the farmer if she could guess how many sheep he had could she have one and the farmer said "yes." So she counted them and there was 214 and the farmer said that it was right. So she picked up one and took it back to the car. A few minutes later the farmer comes and taps on her window and said "If I can guess your real hair colour can I have my dog back !

Smile This Joke was Submitted By April Bacon
Why did the blond douche with toothpaste?
She heard it reduced cavities!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt Van Lieshout
Q. How did the blonde come up with gas money?
A. She sold her car

Smile This Joke was Submitted By chris
Q What do you call five blondes in the freezer?
A frosted flakes

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sheila Pruitt
Why was the blonde standing on her toliet?
She was trying to get high on pot

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave Holland
Where do dumb lesbians go to get a drink?
At a blonde-dyke bar (As in Klondike Bar)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By w.fisher
Q: Why are blondes and Worthers original the same
A: They're both "Sweet 'n' creamy and taste so good"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Akhil Gokool
A blond was sitting on a highway, fully-nude. A man driving past stopped and happened to ask her directions to a certain venue. She, sitting with her legs together, vertically, blocking her, "you know what." Her arms were covering her breasts. She was about to point with her arm, but on second thoughts she replied, "No no, I'm not falling for that one." So, quite confidently she lifted her leg and said, "That way".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kirsty
confucious say--- those who stand on toilet get high on pot

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Heather Angle
One day three blonds were walking on the beach. They come across a lamp and one of them rubs it. A genie pops out. He syas, "Normally I would give whoever found me three wishes, but sinc there are three of you, I will give you each one wish." The first blond knew what she wanted immediately. "I have always felt so dumb. All I want is to be 10% smarter." The genie snapped his fingers and the girl turned into a brunette. The second blond thought for a moment and said,"I have always felt really dumb, too. I want to be 20% smarter." The genie snapped his fingers and this girl turned into a redhead. Well, the third blond had to think for a minute before she knew what she wanted to wish for. "I've never felt dumb, but I've always heard that ignorance is bliss so I want to be 20% dumber." The genie appeared stumped for a minute. Then he smiled, snapped his fingers, and the third girl turned into a MAN.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jay Patterson
A reporter goes to the jungle to interview Tarzan, a wild man raised by apes.
Reporter: What is your name?
Tarzan: (Beats chest) Me, Tarzan.
Reporter: What is your last name?
Tarzan: (Looks puzzled, beats chest) Me, Tarzan.
Reporter: I hear you have a girlfriend. What is her name?
Tarzan: (Beats chest) Her name Jane.
Reporter: And what is her last name?
Tarzan: (Beats chest) Her name Jane.
Reporter: No, no! What is her WHOLE name.
Tarzan: (Thinks for a moment and beats chest) Hole name Pussy.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Willis
Your mama's so fat, it takes a train and two busses to get on her good side.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Greg CHavez
Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed! "Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!" Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your mother's the wild card". "Oh," says Johnny and he leaves the room. Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away! "Ernie!" cried Johnny, "What are you doing!". Ernie stops humping for a second and says, "Well...I'm playing poker, Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard. "Oh", says Johnny and he leaves the room. Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was going out of style! "Johnny!" his father said, "I see you're playing poker, but where's your wild card?" Johnny replies, "With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh Winans
There were 2 lesbian frogs sitting on a rock and one of them says gee, we really do taste like chicken!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dude
Your momma is so stupid she thought a quarterback was a refund.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ziggy
What goes "Screech!! Varooom!!!? Screech!! Varooom!!!? Screech!! Varooom!!!? A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave
The Rules

  1. The Female always makes the Rules.
  2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification
  3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
  4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some or all of the Rules.
  5. The Female is NEVER wrong.
  6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
  7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
  8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
  9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
  10. The Female must under NO circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
  11. Any attempt to document these Rules could result in bodily harm.
  12. If the Female has PMS, all Rules are null and void.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave
A fifteen year old girl and her mother are having a talk. The girl asks her mother, Mom, can you get pregnant from anal sex? Her mothers reply was, Yes you can. Where do you think lawyers come from?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave
A man is sitting in his office is very bored with his job and he keeps thinking that there has got to be a better way. He thinks to himself, I’ll think more about this later, right now I have to take a piss. So he walks down the hall and goes in the bathroom. After he pisses he goes to wash his hands and on the sink he sees what looks like a genies lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and sure enough a genie comes out of the lamp. The genie says “I am the genie of the lamp. You now have three wishes, but remember one thing your wife gets double of everything you get.” The man scratches his head and thinks for a minute, then says “For my first wish I want 100 million dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers and says “Done!” One hundred million bucks are now on the bathroom floor. He runs back to his office, calls his wife on the phone and she tells him that out of nowhere two hundred million dollars appeared on there dining room table. The genie says “You now have two wishes left. Let me remind you that your wife gets double what you get. The man looks at the genie and says “I wish for a 1963 cherry apple red corvette in mint condition.” The genie says “Done. Look out in the parking lot.” The man sees a beautiful corvette in the parking lot and calls home. He asks his wife to look in the driveway and tell him what she sees. She tells him she sees a corvette parked in the driveway. So the genie says “You have only one wish left, and let me remind you” The man interrupts the genie and says “Yeah, yeah, I know, my wife gets double, everything I get.” So he sits down at his desk and thinks for a while. Finally, he says to the genie “For my third wish, I want you to beat me half to death.”

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave
Do you know what sexual harassment is? It’s when a man talks dirty to a woman. What do you call it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $4.99 a minute!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave
A Union Man's Dog
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations. His dog was named T Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog Measure was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a 10 ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the Union Member and said "What can your dog do?" The Teamster member called his dog whose name was Coffee Break, and said, "Show the fellows what you can do." So Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workman's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michael Lott
Q: What does Maddona do after she has sex?
A: She flosses her teeth!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dan Brown
How do you make a nun pregnant? - Fuck her.
What's black and white and has a dirty name? - Sister Mary Fuckface..

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tim Carter
A man and his wife are driving in their car and they are getting a little hungry. So they pull over at a jiffy store and the guy goes and buys two snickers bars. On the way back to the car he has to go to the bathroom really bad so he steps over in the bushes and takes a wiz. Then he notices that he cant zip up his pants, the zipper is stuck! These three nuns start heading towards the store and they see this long thing hanging out of the bushes, so the first nun walks up to it and pulls on it and a snickers bar sticks out of the bushes, then the second nun does the same thing and she gets a snickers bar too. So the third nun goes up and pulls on it and says "COOL you guys may have got snickers bars but I got hand lotion!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jennifer Brazil
Have you heard about new "Big and Beautiful Barbie"? **Big and Beautiful Barbie; The perfect gift for your daughter; The only doll without an eating disorder!** (Bald and impotent Ken sold separately.)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tony Brazil
Have you heard about the new action figure Mattel is coming out with? It's half male/half female. It's called "G.I. don't know."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tony Brazil
Have you heard about the new Barbie doll? It's called "Divorced Barbie." It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Charles Golem
Three nuns suddenly died, but before they entered heaven, they had to be purified by Saint Peter. Saint Peter says:"Ok, have you ever touched a human penis before?" The first nun says, "yes, but only with my hand." Then saint Peter says, "Ok, dip your hand in the holy water, then you may go into heaven to meet God." The Nun did as she was told and walked through. Saint peter askes the second nun to come forward, but the third nun suddenly knocks her down and crowds in front." If you think that I am going to gargle that water after her ass has been in it, then you have to be crazy!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By gncolepeper
Little Audrey was walking across a lonely meadow when a big bad man jumped out from behind a bush and snarled "All right, Little Audrey, take off your knickers". But Little Audrey just laughed and laughed and laughed, because she knew they wouldn't fit him.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By gncolepeper
A young lady was at a party, where she had far too much to drink. When she woke up in bed next day she found an elephant lying there beside her. "Good God!" she exclaimed, "I must have been tight last night!" To which the elephant replied, "You were, you were."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rick Breward
A father and son are out walking one night and see two dogs screwing. "What are those dogs doing dad" asked the son "Well their making puppies son" replied the dad. Later that night the boy walked into his parents bedroom and low and behold the parents are making love. "What are you doing dad?" asked the boy. "We're making a baby son" replied the dad With that the boy said, "Well roll over mommy--I want a puppy!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rick Breward
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?". The dude replies "A 1996 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000." "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe 3 times as fast! The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! WooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The guy jumps out, and jeezus to betsy, it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man replies "yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rick Breward
There's this quiet, conservative man who happens to own a parrot. Unfortunately for the man, this parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. This bird's foul mouth is driving the man crazy. One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the neck, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUITE IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of swearing that would make a sailor blush. At that point the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer! For the first few seconds the bird yells swear words at the top of his voice. He kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bigruss
On one side of a river there is a chicken and a bowl of cat food. On the other side there is a cat with a bowl of chicken feed. So, the chicken realising it can fly, flies to the other side of the river and eats it's food. The cat, thinking "If the chicken can do this , so can I", runs and falls in the river. What's the moral of this story? Where ever there's a wet pussy, there's a satisfied cock!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By max wenner
Q.What's black and white, sits in the corner and gets smaller and smaller.
A. A baby cutting it hair with a potato peeler.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Grimshaw
There was an old man and his wife in the doctor's office. The doctor says to the man, "After some preliminary tests I'll need a sample of the old mans urine, faeces, blood and semen. The old man was a bit hard at hearing and asked his wife what the doctor had said. In reply she told him to give the doctor his underwear.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ronald Macdonald
Your mumma's nose is so big you can go bowling with her buggers.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lincoln McKenzie
Your momma's so old, her tits give powdered milk.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh Winans
There was an American a Mexican and a Pollock doomed to a week on a desert island. The Pollock asks the American guy why he has a jug of water and he says if he gets thirsty he can drink it. The Pollock asks the Mexican why he has a loaf of bread and the Mexican says that if he gets hungry he can eat it.The Mexican asks the Pollock why he has a car door and the Pollock says that if he gets hot he can roll down the window!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh Winans
There were 6 gay guys in a hot tub, and a condom floated up. What did one of them say? Who farted!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh Winans
What do 4 gay guys do with one chair? Turn it upside down.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Moxley
Q.Why do Tampons have strings?
A. So you can floss after eating.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MIKE MOXLEY
This vampire walked into a restaurant and order a cup of hot water. The waiter asked him "Why just hot water?" The vampire pulled out a bloody tampon and said "Tea."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Padyk
The other day I was getting on an elevator, when this beautiful babe gets in with me. I hit the button for the thirtieth floor, and we begin to go up. The woman says to me. "O.K., you got 28 floors to make feel like a woman!" So right away I strip down to nothing, throwing my clothes in the corner. Then she says "Are you ready now." I reply "Ya, now get over there and pick em up!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rob Padyk
A man and a lady meet in a divorce lawyers office waiting room. The woman asks the man "If you don't mind me asking, why did your wife leave you?" the man replies "you're not gonna believe this, but she left me because she thought I was to kinky at sex" The woman says "Wow! my husband left me for the same reason." Sure enough they start talking and end up back at her place. After a while they decide to try this kinky sex. The lady says "wha, wha, wait right here." as she goes back into the bedroom. About 15 minutes goes by when the gorgeous blonde comes out with all the leather, whips, chains and of course hand-cuffs. When she sees the man half way out the door, she replies "Ah, where, where are you going!" the man replies "What?" She says "aren't we going to try that kinky sex?" The man says "what?" Again she replies "you know, kinky sex" The man then says as he's leaving "Jesus Christ woman! I already fucked your dog, and shit in your purse, how much more kinky do you want to get!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Padyk
A man walks into a doctors office, and says he's feeling really shitty. The doctor say's, here pee in this bottle. The man say's that's not what's wrong with me. The doctor replies." No, No," he says"I got high-tech equipment in the back". So the man pees in the bottle. The doctor takes the bottle and says"it'll take about 15 minutes" then takes the bottle in the back. Later he comes back. The man says laughing," well, well, what, what's wrong with me doc?!?" The doctor says"you have a sore elbow". The man says "wow you're right! that's amazing!" The doctor hands him another bottle and says "you'll have to relax that elbow, and here is another bottle to fill if you're ever feeling shitty again." So the man, driving home in his pick-up thinks to himself. There's no f#@!ing way someone can tell me what's wrong by pissing in a bottle.Therefore he decides to stump the doctor. When he gets home he asks the wife to pee in the bottle. So she does. Then he thinks to himself that's not enough, so he asks his daughter to pee in the bottle also. Then he goes out to the truck and drains some of the oil into the bottle. Then there's still a little room left in the bottle. (it's a really big bottle!)So he beats off and fills the rest of it. Now he's thinking I got him, I definitely got him. The next day he goes back to the doctors office. The doctor says "you're back!" The man say's "ya, and I'm feelin' even shittier today then yesterday." The doc asks "did you bring the bottle?" The man says "right here". The doctor takes the bottle and says "EHHH! wait right here, I'll be back in about fifteen minutes." As the doctor leaves the man begins to laugh." I got him, I got him." Fifteen minutes later the doctor comes back. The man says, "well doc, what, what's wrong with me?" The doctor replies " Well, Your wife, she's fine. Your daughters pregnant, your trucks a litre short on oil and jesus, man; If you don't stop jerking off, you're never gonna fix that tennis elbow."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By melissa bailey
Q: What's green & hangs from trees?
A: Giraffe snot!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rick Breward
There were these two farmers from Kansas; one very wealthy and the other poor. It just happened to be that their wives had birthdays on the same day. The poor farmer said to the wealthy farmer, "What do you plan on getting your wife for her birthday tomorrow?" Well he says, "I'm going to get her a Mercedes and a mink coat". "Why are you getting her a Mercedes AND a mink coat?", asks the poor farmer "That way, if she doesn't like the mink coat, she can drive herself to the store to return it!" The rich farmer the says, "By the way, what do you plan on getting your wife tomorrow?" "A pair of slippers and a dildo." replies the poor farmer. "The slippers sound nice by why the dildo too?" asks the rich farmer. The poor farmer says, "That way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By One sick man!
What have fifty thousand battered women got in common? They just won't Fucking listen!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Adam Galgut
There is this guy who has had one too many. A policeman pulls him over and asks the man" Have you had anything to drink?" . The drunk in the car replies ""yeshh officer". The police man then asks him " what have you had to drink?". The man answers " sheven beersh and five triple brandysh and cokesh". The policeman asks the man to please step out his car and take a breathaliser. The drunk replies " why don't you believe me?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mat AOH Piller
While stopped at the red light, the next to me says "Your tire's kinda low." So I tell him, They all have to reach the road. Then he says something about my grey hair. So I explain it makes me look extinguished! He didn't seem to be impressed, so I said it gives me a look of extinction!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By vinman
What do you call balls on a fag???>>mudflaps!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Noger
There's a nun and a hippie sitting beside each other on the bus, and the hippie looks at the nun and says "Nun, your'e solid. Let's get it on." the nun says "No, I can't I'm a servant of God." Hippie says "don't worry, a little cock will fix ya." The Nun says "No." So then the nun gets off the bus, and the hippie about to get of the bus and the bus driver says to the hippie "Hey, hippie you know that nun, she prays at the cemetary every night." The hippie doesn't catch on, and the bus driver says, "pretend you're God if you want to fuck her." Then the hippie gets a brilliant idea. So then night comes around and sure enough, there's the nun praying, so then the hippie puts on a God mask and pops out from behind a tombstone and says, "Boo, nun, I'm God and let's fuck." The nun says "NO,NO I can't I'm a servant of God." but the hip- says "don't worry i'm God you can do whatever i say." So then the nun says " O.k, but give it to me from behind, becauz I want to stay a virgin." the hip-'s like cool, I,m going to cum , I don't care. So the hip- pounds the nun, and finishes and while he's having a butt, he takes off his mask and says "Hey, nun you know what I'm not the God, I'm the hippie." then the nun says' Oh, ya" takes off her mask and says " You know what, I'm not the nun, I'm the bus driver."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tim
Your Mama's so fat after making love to her I rolled over twice and I was still on top of her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Questine
Q.How do you find Ronald McDonald on a nude beach? A. He's the one with the seasame BUNS!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ED
WHAT DOES A GIRL FROM WEST VIRGINIA AND THE UNIBOMBER HAVE IN COMMON?
THEY BOTH GOT FINGERED BY THIER BROTHER.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By billybobthortonjr
what's a yankee?
A quickie only by yourself

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MELVIN NETHERY
WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU RUN OVER A BANJO? GET OUT AND BURN IT BEFORE SOME FOOL TRIES TO GLUE IT BACK TOGETHER

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MELVIN NETHERY
HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE TO DRINK IN ORDER TO PASS THE BAR EXAM?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sarah
A little boy was walking down the hallway when he noticed that his parents' bedroom door was shut. He yelled, "dad, are you in there?" The father replied, "yes, son, it's me." So then the little boy asks, "what are you doing?" And the father tells him that he's playing cards. "With who?" the little boy asked. "Your Mother," answered the father. The next day, the father was walking down the hall, and he saw that his son's door was closed. "What are you doing in there son?" father asked. "Why, i'm playing cards, daddy." he replied. With a slight hesitation, the father asked, "well, who's your partner?" And the little boy replied with, "With a hand like this, who needs a partner?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By hank warner
A MAN GOES TO THE PET STORE TO ACQUIRE A PET. THE PET STORE OWNER SUGGESTS THAT HE PURCHASE A FROG. THE MAN SAYS "A FROG". PET STORE OWNER SAYS, "YES, THE BEST ORAL SEX YOUR WILL EVER HAVE! THE MAN GOES INTO THE BATHROOM AND COMES OUT 20 MINUTES LATER AND SAYS "HOW MUCH? THAT IS THE BEST I HAVE EVER HAD! PET STORE OWNER SAYS $100" AND THE DEAL IS DONE.
THE MAN TAKES THE FROG HOME THAT EVENING AND IT BECOMES BEDTIME AND HE PLACES THE FROG ON HIS PILLOW. HIS WIFE SAYS "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" THE MAN SAYS " DON'T WORRY!" 3:30 IN THE MORNING THE WIFE HEARS PANS BANGING IN THE KITCHEN AND SHE RUNS DOWN STAIRS AND SAYS TO HER HUSBAND. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" HE SAYS, "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, IF I CAN TEACH THIS FROG TO COOK, YOU ARE OUT OF HERE!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mark
What did the Zen Budhist say to the Hot Dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dan Moeller
What's the definition of a "peeping tom"?
A window fan!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dan Moeller
How is a woman like a bank?
You lose interest after you remove your assets!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kristen
Your Mama's so fat that when she broke her leg, she bled gravy.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By awindle
You're mamma is so fat her belt size is equator.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shining_Kinght
Have you ever triped over a tree.....? How about a root!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By barrito supreme
There was once a white, mexican, black in a truck and got in a accident and all died and went to hell the devil said that they could live if they didn't pop a bonor walking up the thousand stairs cause of the fine looking girls, the white man got up to 423 and the devil said give me your dick and he fried it off, then the mexican went and got up to 578 stairs and the devil said give me your dick and fried it off, and then the black went and got up to 786 and the devil said give me your dick nothing happened then he put a little more pressure to it nothing happened then he put full strengthed to it and nothing happened, then the devil asked why the black said milk chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By The NEBRASKA CORNSUCKER
What do a blond and a 747 have in common?
They both have huge cockpits.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By crumbs Leazer
Once their was three gays in a hottub a condom floats up and one of them says who farted.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ben...the BLOWER Androson
Once upon a time there was this brewnette and she was walking out in the country and she walked by this sheep farm so she goes up to the owner and says if I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one. So the sheep farmer says ok take a guess, she says 369 he is just shocked so he says OK I'm going to go in the house and you pick one so he goes in the house and she picks one and when he comes out he says if I can guess your true hair color can I have my dog back.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BLONDE
THERE WAS A BLACK HOBO. HE FOUND A LAMP AND RUBED IT. THE GENIE SAID HE WOULD GIVE HIM 3 WISHES. THE HOBO SAID "I WISH TO BE WHITE, CLEAN, AND BETWEEN A WOMANS LEGS," THE GENIE SAID "POOF YOUR A TAMPON"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt
What do you call the dead skin around a vagina? A woman!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ronnie Harding
One day a blond was walking down the street and she wanted to buy a new T.V, so she walks buy a window and she see's a big square box with all these pretty dials so she go's into the store and tells the guy that she wants the T.V in the window and the guy says sorry we dont sell to blonds so she started to cry then she got an idea she dyed her hair and went back and said I want that T.V in the window and the guy said again we don't sell to blonds then she went and shaved her head totaly bald and went back and said I really want THAT TV in the window and the guy still said sorry we dont sell to blonds so she got mad and said, "I came in here 3 different times but how did you know that I was blond all 3 times?" The salesman said, "Well for one thing we don't sell TVs here just microwaves!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lloyd
The farmer was in the bar and the banker came in.The farmer said "Hey, come on over here and drink with me." The banker said, "No, because all you ever want to talk about is farming." The farmer said, "If you come over and drink with me I will talk about anything you want." The banker said, "I want to talk about nuclear energy." The farmer said, "Ok." Well when the banker got over to the booth the farmer said, "Could I ask you a question before we start talking about nuclear energy?" The banker said "Sure." The farmer said, "Well you got a bale of hay here and a bucket of water over there and you take a horse over let him eat the hay and drink the water he shits buscuits. You take a cow to the same hay and water and she shits a pie. You take a sheep to the same hay and water and he shits little marbles, now why is that?" The banker said, "I don't know." The farmer said, "See there, you want to talk about nuclear energy and you don't know shit."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Sheppard
Here's another little Johnny Joke. Little Johnny is in fourth grade catholic class when the teacher asks the class what part of the body do they think goes to heaven first. Timmy raises his hand and says "I think it is the heart because I think that is where all of your goodness comes from." The teacher says "Timmy that is a real good thought but we just don't know." Then Chrissy raises here hand and says "Teacher I think it is the soul, because the bible talks about the your soul going to heaven." The teacher says "I think that is the answer also." Little Johnny raises his hand and says "Well teacher I think it is the feet that goes to heaven first." The teacher says "Johnny we are all entitled to think what we want, but why in the world would you think it is the feet?" He tells her "Well teacher last night I walked in on my mom and dad and she had her feet in the air yelling 'Oh God I'm coming, Oh God I'm coming!'

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Sheppard
We all know little Johnny. He is rotten with a mind that is as dirty as the day is long. One day he is in class at school and the teacher tells the children that they are going to have a feel and tell (not a show in tell). Immediatly little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher tells little Johnny "Johnny you can't play, you are too dirty." Well Jennifer raises her hand and goes up and sticks her hand in the bag, she says "Well, it's round, and hard, I think it is an apple." The teacher says "Jennifer that was a really good try, but your wrong, it was an orange, but I like the way your thinking." Well little Johnny raises his hand again, and again the teacher tells him he can't play because he is too dirty. Little Amy raises her hand, she gets picked and goes up and sticks her hand in the bag "Well teacher it is long and hard, I think it is a Bannana." The teacher says "Amy that was a real good guess, but your wrong. But I like the way your thinking." Well immediatly little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher tells him "Little Johnny, I'm sorry you can't play we have ran out of things in the bag." He says "That's okay teacher, I will stick my hand in my pocket and describe what I have and you tell me what it is." He leans back in his chair and sticks his hands in his pockets, and says "It's round and it's hard, and it has a head on it." The teacher says "Little Johnny I told you couldn't play this game because your too dirty." He tells her " No teacher you don't understand, it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jean-luc st-onge
If you understand french this is a really great joke. C'était une fois un gars qui s'en va dans un bar gay. Y s'assis au bar et commande un shooter de téquila. Le barman y apporte. Y prend son shooter regarde les autres gay du bar et dit :" Cul-sec" les autres gay répondent :"Mauvaises pénétration"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jean-luc st-onge
There are two goldfish in a tank. One say's to the other " Do you know how to drive this thing?"
There are two grains of sand in the desert. One says to the other " Don't look back I think we're being followed."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jean-luc st-onge
There is a guy sitting at a bar talking with the barman. Then a horse came in and sit at the bar. So the barman asks the guy who was talking to him to ask the horse what he wanted. So the guy goes to the horse and asks:"May I help you" So the horse respond:"I'd like two beer please." Then the guy goes back to the barman and tells him what the horse said. The barman takes two beers and tells the guy to give it to the horse and tell them their 20 bucks each ( because he think that horses are stupid). The guy goes back to the horse and gives him the beers and say's :"It's 20 buck each" Then the horse (who had a little purse on his back) gave the guy the forty bucks for the beers. So the guy keeps staring at the horse. Then the horse asks the guy :" What are you looking at" The guy say's :" Oh, I'm sorry it's just that we don't see a lot of horses that come here asking for beer." The horse answers:" I understand why, with the price of your beer."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jean-luc st-onge
Yo mama's so fat that when she lies on the beach to get a tan, green peace arrives to throw her back in the sea.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff Neiman
There was this gay guy that always harrased the customers at this certain bar, so the bar tender said, "From now on you sit in the corner". The man said "ok". Then one day this thirsty cowboy comes in and the bartender says, "What'll be?" The cowboy says "I'm so thirsty could lick the sweat off of a cow's balls." So, the guy in the corner spreads his legs and says "Moo Moo Buckaroo"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff Neiman
Your so poor, when I walked through your front door I fell into your backyard.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lawrence
A guy walked into a store he asked the guy behind the counter if he could try some dick potion. The guy said sure. he had a sip, and his dick grew 10 feet long. He was like wow, this shit really works. So he tries a spoon full and his dick grow 20 feet long. Then the guy asks the guy behind the counter if he can try a big gulp of it. The guy says sure. So the guy does, and his dick grows 100 feet long. Then he says to the guy behind the counter. You see that lady down there? He says yeah, I see her. The guy with the long dick says UNNHH, got her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lawrence
You know you're a redneck if your son calls you uncle dad.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sean
Things to do in an elevator: When someone enters say "I just farted, I hope you don't mind the smell."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kris
What did the boy say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor ?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Scott
What is the difference between the Lion King and O.J. Simpson?
One is african lion and the other is a liein' african!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Breeder
There are 4 fags and one dies. The first one says that they should cover his body with flowers. The second said they should creamate him so that he will always be with them. The third said lets cut him up and eat him. The other two look at him and ask why. He said that he wanted to feel him slide out of his ass one last time.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bond
Your mothers so stupid, she thinks PMS is a type of delivery service.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By hero bhai
Why does Hawaii have interstate highways.
And why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways.
Why are apartments called apartments when they are joined together.
If Olive oil comes from Olives, where does baby oil comes from.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sabrina
You know how a person says, "Oh my Lord."
Well a fat person would say, "Oh my Lard."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JR
Yo mama is so fat when God said let there be light he told her to move her ass out of the way.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Steve Rocklin
What do Bill Clintons underwear and socks have in common?
They both keep his ankles warm.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By H Flood
Two canaibals were in the jungle with a large pot on the fire. The one stiring the pot say's "Boy I hate my Mother in law". The other caniable say's "If you don't like your Mother in law, just eat the noodles."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jennifer
A stripper goes to work on her first nite. A little nervous she gets on the stage and walks up to a guy, bends over and wiggles her butt. The guy gives it a little lick and slaps fifty bucks on one cheek. She's thinking this is easy, so she walks up to another guy and does the same wiggle and he puts fifty bucks on her other cheek. So she's pretty happy and thinks this is really cool, so she goes up to another guy and wiggles, he reaches in his wallet and pulls out a debit card slides it through her butt and withdrawals the hundred bucks, and walks out.


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