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Kelly's Bar Jokes
4
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Smile This Joke was Submitted By Phillip Davis
What do a turtle and a blond have in common?
When they're on their back, their both screwed.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tainted
A class of fifth graders were having a discussion on morals of the story. Little susie raised her hand and said my mother was comming home from the grocery store and droped the milk and started crying. The teacher asked her what the moral of that story was. She said, "Don't cry over spilled milk". Jennifer in the second row raised her hand and when she was called on, she said her mother was comming home from the store and broke her eggs. The moral of that was not to carry all your eggs in one basket. Frankie raised his hand and said My dad was in a foxhole in the army, and he peeked out and noticed he was surrounded by the enemy. He ducked back down where he had a bottle of Jack Daniels on one side and gun on the other. He picked up the bottle of Jack and drank it and then he grabbed his gun and shot all of the enemy. The teacher said, " What's the moral?" Frankie said, "Don't Fuck with my dad when he's been drinking."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jeff
Q. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY BLONDE JOKES THERE ARE?
A. ONLY ONE THE REST ARE TRUE!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By crzymn
The bathroom poet
Some come here
To read & write
Others come to ponder

But I come here
To piss & shit &
Fart like f@!#&*! thunder....

Smile This Joke was Submitted By David Pilkington
A guy goes to a dog farm to buy a hunting dog. the dog farmer says "Oh I have the perfect dog watch this. Duke go to the lake". The dog goes over to the lake and barks three times. The man asks "What does that mean". The farmer replies, "That means that there are three ducks at the lake, come on I'll show you". Sure enough they find Duke at the lake with three ducks nearby. The man is so impressed with Duke that he buys him right away for five hundred dollars. He then brigs Duke home to show his wife and explain why he paid so much money. "Look honey, Duke go to the lake." The dog comes bace ten minutes later with a stick in his mouth and begins to hump the mans leg. The man is so disgusted and embarassed that he calls the man at the dog farm to ask what is going on . The man replies, "You idiot, Duke is trying to tell you that there are more ducks at the lake than you can shake a fu----- stick at....."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By D. Brougham
There were these three guys - an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Turk - discussing what they did to drive their wives crazy during lovemaking. The Englishman says: "Well, I take a little marmelade, smear it gently on her nipples and lick it all off very slowly, and this drives her crazy." The Frenchman says: "Me, I take zee cognac, I pour zee cognac into her bellybutton and on her clitoris, and den I lick it all off very slowly, and dis drive her crazee." So the Turk says: "I get home from work, I grab my wife, shove her up against the wall, rip her panties off, and fuck her as hard as I can. After I cum, I pull my dick out and wipe it on the drapes... and this drives her crazy."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ryan Suchomel
Sex is like a game of bridge, (the card game) You either have a good partner, Or you have to have a good hand.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jon Viola
What do you can a blonde that's naked and standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Eli Berrey
Your mama is like train tracks, she gets laid all around the world

Smile This Joke was Submitted By nijon_sunstar
A black man was walking home from work one day when a truck drove by him and dropped a big block of cheese. The black man picked it up and continued on his way. He soon had to cross an old skinny bridge crossing a river. He noticed a white man in a canoe under the bridge and not concentrating on the bridge in fromt of him he tripped and dropped his cheese in the canoe. The black man was furious but the white man was very happy and paddled home. When he reached his house and brought the cheese in and showed his wife. She asked, "What kind of cheese is it" and her husband replied, "Well the black man that dropped off of the bridge was yelling 'THATS NOT CHYO CHEESE!' (thats nacho cheese)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Arijay Prasad
What do you call a blonde with half a brain ?
Gifted !

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Arijay Prasad
One blonde to another: Have you read Shakespeare ? Other Blonde: No. Who wrote it?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Danny Silverman
A woman walks into a produce store and asks for a head of lettuce. The stock boy tells her that the store is out of lettuce so the lady says ok and walks away. 1 hour later the lady goes back and asks for a head of lettuce, the sotckboy told her that the lettuce shipment was coming in tomorrow, come back then so she said ok and left. 30 minutes later that same woman came back once more and asked for a head of lettuce, this time the man was pissed. "lady, take the water out of watermelon and spell it." "W-A-T-E-R" she replied. "Good, now take the honey as in honeydew and spell it." "H-O-N-E-Y" she resopnded. "good, now spell the FUCK, as in lettuce." she thought for a minute then said "There is no Fuck in lettuce" "THATS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING."

Did you hear about the mans first day at the nudist colony? It was the hardest

Did you hear of the 2 new polish inventions?
1)the solar powered flashlight
2)the parachute that opens on impact

Smile This Joke was Submitted By abw
A boy gets a job at an adult store,the boss says I got to go out for a while, can you handle the store. Yes.(reponds the boy.) Five minutes later a lady walks in and asks for a dildo. The boy reponds, we have a white one for $15 and a black one for $25. I'll take the white one the lady says. Ten minutes later another lady walks in and asks the same question. The the boy again says, we have a white one for $15 and a black one for $25. I'll take the black one the lady says. Another five minutes later another lady walk in looking for a dildo. Again the boy explains her options a white one for $15 and a black one for $25. The lady interjects. How much for the chrome tip one. The boy looks over his shoulder and says $50. The boss comes back and asks the boy how he mde out. The boy responds," Very well, I sold a white dildo for $15, a black one for $25, and my thermos for $50.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By benjess
WHAT DOES A CAT SAY WHEN YOU STEP ON ITS TAIL. - GIVE UP? - MEOWE - "ME OWIE"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By abw
A father walks into the bathroom and catches his son jerking off, the father responds...son if you keep doing that you'll go blind.!.. Dad I'm over here.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Corey Bowne
There were three men that died, an achoholic a billionare and a gay guy, and went to the St. Peters.The St. Peters said "If you don't do anything you did in the past then you can stay on Earth." They were all walking down the street and they past a bar. The achoholic went in and took a drink and poof... he was gone. then they past a $5 dollar bill, the billionare bent over to pick it up and poof... the gay guy was gone.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By josh
Headline in Polish newspaper: PLANE CRASH IN GRAVEYARD; 2,741 CONFIRMED DEAD

Smile This Joke was Submitted By josh
id you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning." About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce! That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning." At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By josh
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven". Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy! "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Danny Jalbert
a guy walks up to the bartender and bets that he can pee in a glass that is behind him and above the liquors. the bartender asks what he will bet. the guy says he has $300 that he can get it in the cup. the bartender smiles and agrees to the bet, figuring that it will be easy money. the guy begins to pee all over the place, on the bar, the bartender,everywhere except the cup. the bartender begins to laugh and says you owe me $300. the guy says okay hold on one second. he then goes to a table full of guys who give him money. he returns to the bar and gives the bartender $300. the bartender then asked why he had to go over to that table to get the money. the guy says well I bet those guys $500 that I could pee all over your bar and you would still be laughing!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Roy Southard
This guy goes into a bar with his monkey. The bartender protests that he doesn't allow monkeys in here. The guy argues and finally agrees to let them stay on the condition that no other customers will get offended. So they have a few beers and the monkey starts getting a bit crazy and loud. He jumps onto the pool table and plays with all the balls and before they could stop him, he swallows the cue ball. The bartender promptly tosses both of them out. After a few months the same guy returns, with his monkey dressed up rather nicely. "hey.. i tossed ur but out for good" "but wait, i have trained him really good. he won't be any trouble i promise" the guy protests. "well.... i suppose i'll give u ONE more chance" after a few drinks the bartender compliments the guy on how well behaved his monkey has been. so he offers them so peanuts. the monkey takes a peanut, shoves it up his butt, then pulls it back out and eats it. " what the hell was that for?" the bartender asked. "well.. you see ever since the cue ball incident he gauges everything before he eats it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By LINDSEY
A MAN AND A WOMEN GET A MARRIAGE LICENSE WHEN THEY GET MARRIED. TWO WOMEN GET A LIQUOR LICENSE.
TWO LESBIANS WALK INTO A WHORE HOUSE AND ASK THE MADAME FOR TWO YOUNG GIRLS. THE MADAME TELLS THEM THAT THEY HAVE TWO NICE 18 AND 19 YEAR OLDS. THE TWO LESBIANS RESPOND WITH,"NO, NO WE WANT 13 OR 14 YEAR OLDS." THE MADAME SAID IN A HUFF, "I'M SORRY BUT WE DO NOT SELL MINORS TO LICKERS!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jonathan Dauchert
This guy and his gay lover are screwing one knight and one guy says to the other, "I really like men with harry chests." So the next day the guy go to a doctor and askes him how to get chest hair. "Well," the doctor says, "If you put vasalene on your chest hair will grow there." So the guy go back and put vasalene on his chest for a couple of days. A few days later when the guys are screwing again on guy says to the other "What the hell is this stuff on your chest?" "It's vasalene the doctor said if I put it on my chest hair would grow." "You dumbass if vasalene grows chest hair you'd have a four foot pony tail growing out of your ass."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matthew
My uncle got fired from the pickle factory for sticking his dick in the pickle slicer. But dont worry, she got fired, too.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Marc Hamman
why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory.... Because she threw out all the W's

Smile This Joke was Submitted By SEXDOG
A blond went up to a man to ask if her breath smelt. He replied "keep you legs closed and you will be alright"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By fred
Two men walk into a bar, you would think one of them would have seen it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Marc Hamman
knock knock
whos there
juneau
juneau who
juneau what time it is

knock knock
whos there
eyes
eyes who
no eyes dont

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MARC HAMMAN
WHY DID SUZY FALL OFF THE SWING...BECAUSE SHE HAD NO ARMS
WHY DID THE CAT FALL OUT OF THE TREE...BECAUSE HE WAS DEAD.
WHY DID THE SECOND CAT FALL OUT OF THE TREE...BECAUSE HE WAS A COPYCAT

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt Baker
What kind of bird brings babys? - Storks - What kind of bird prevents babys? - SWALLOW

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dave
This guy comes home from work and his wife is in the kitchen making dinner and she tells him that the doctor said that she was sick. He askes her what was wrong and she tells him she was not sure. The gur gets on the phone and calles up the doctor. "Doctor whats wrong with my wife?" The doc says "I'm not sure, we have a new guy in the lab and he mixed up two reports, either your wife has Alzheimers or AIDS." "Alzheimers or AIDS." The guy says, "what should I do?" The phone is silent for a few moments and then the reply. "If I was you, I'd drive her around the block a few times, and drop her off, if she comes back, dont fuck her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt Monaghan
A women went to a preist to confess her sins. She asked the father to forgive her. "What have you done asked the priest?" The women said, "I have had sex and I'm married." The priest replied, "There is nothing wrong with that!" "No father you don't understand, the man I had sex with wasn't my husband." The priest replied, "Say one hail Mary, and one our father and you will be forgiven." She replied, "Father I also had oral sex with him!" Shocked the priest replied, "Well thats two hail mary's and two our father's." She said, "Well its worse than that, we also had annal sex." The priest looked through his book, annal sex, annal sex, and couldn't find the prayer for forgiveness.He poked his head out the confession booth and shouted, "Anybody know what you get for butt-fucking?" The little alterboy shouted back, "A glass of milk and a cookie!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt Monaghan
A hindu, Jew, and lawayer are all traveling in a car together down a country road. Nitefall comes and suddenly their car breakes down. They push the car to a nearby farm. The farmer there says I can fix your car but we have no electricity so it will have to wait until morning. The farmer told the three men that he has a small room with two beds, so one of them would have to sleep out in the barn. So the hindu decided he would sleep out in the barn. A little while later the lawyer and the Jew heard a knock on the door. When they it they found the Hindu standing there. He said, "I can't sleep in the barn, there is a cow out there and it is against my religion. Therefor the Jew decided he would sleep in the barn. A little while later, the Hindu heard a knock on the door. When they opened it they found the Jew standing there. He said, "I can't sleep out there it is against my religion to be around pigs. Reluctantly the lawyer decided to sleep out in the barn. No sooner than when he had went out the Hindu and the Jew heard a knock on the door. When they opened it the found the cow and the pig standing there.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tom Keating
This man and his three sons went hunting and shot a deer with a bebe gun so they took the deer home cooked it and ate it. Later one of the boys goes in the room with his mom and says mom I was taking a shit and a bebe came out she said thats ok its nothing to worry about so he leaves and the second boy goes in the room and says mom I took a pee and a bebe came she says thats ok its nothing to worry about then finally the third boy goes in the room and says mom guess what she says you went the bathroom and a bebe came out he said no I was jerking off and I shot the dog.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dick Gozinya
If a man marries a woman in Arkansas, moves to Washington D.C., and then moves back to Arkansas, are they still brother and sister?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Wade Larsen
Roseanne's so fat you would have to dip her in flour to find a wet spot!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Wade larsen
Why don't you throw rocks at an Indian riding a bike? It could be your bike!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Wade Larsen
What's the first sighn of aids? A queer thumpin' in your asshole!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By wade larsen
How do you circumsize a Hutterite? kick his cousin in the jaw!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MeSo Funny
A priest, Dennis Leary, and Michal Jackson are on a sinking ship with 20 children. The preist says "we must save the children!". Dennis Leary replies "Fuck the children!". Then Michal Jackson says "Do we have time?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Roman
Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey what's with the long face"? Two cannibals are eating a clown and one cannibal says to the other "Does this taste funny to you? How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb? None they'll just sit in the dark and bitch about it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shawn Lafollette
A guy goes into a bar one night and asks for 5 shots of tequilla. The bartender says alright and gives the man 5 shots. The guy takes the shots and then goes home. The next night the same man goes into the same br and the same bartender is working, but tonight he asks for 8 shots of tequilla. He shoots them down and goes home. The next night he comes back to the same bar, that has the same bartender as before, the bartender says let me guess you want 10 shots of tequilla, the man says no way Last night was rough I couldnt handle them 8 shots. I went home and blew chunks . The bartender says thats alright everybody blows chunks every once in a while. The man says you dont understand man, Chunks is my DOG!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rick
When I die, I want to go peacefully, Like my Grandfather did... In his sleep... Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jason
Loise Lane was laying in her bed playing with herself on day. Superman was flying around Metropolis when he heard her moaning. He used his X-Ray vision to look down and see what she was doing. When he saw that she was playing with herself he got very aroused. He flew down and with a thousand thrusts per mil-second, he had sex with her and she did not even know it. A couple of minutes later Loise said, "What in the hell was that!" The invisible man said, "I do not know but my ass is hurting!" HAHAHA

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jj
This guy walked into a bar one night. He noticed at the end of the bar that there was a jar full of 20 dollar bills. He got the bartender's atention and asked him about the money. The bartender said to him, " Well you put your money in the jar, then you see that big black guy over there? YOu have to knock him out with one punch, then go out back and pull an absesed tooth out of this mean old Pit Bull's mouth, then go up stairs and screw this nasty whore up there until she passes out." The man said, " I think I will just take my chances and sit here and drink." After the gut has a few in him, he starts getting cocky. He walks over to the jar and puts his money in.. Then he walks over to the black guy and just knocks the shit out of him. One punch, and the black guy was out cold. Then he goes outside. The bartender here the most awfull noise he ever heard in his life. A couple of minutes later the guy comes back in and says, "ALL RIGHT WHERE IS THAT WHORE WITH THE ABSESED TOOTH!!" HAHAHAHA

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jason
What did O.J. say when he got off the witness stand. "I was not finished, let me have another stab at it!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason
This black man was sitting at work one day and noticed that this white gut had hickey's all over his neck. Being curious, the black man walks over to the white guy and says, "Hey buddy, how in the hell do you white boys get all the hickeys, what are you doing that I am not?" The white guy turns and says, "You have to be sexual and sweet. I use poetry." The black guy looks puzzeled and says, "What kind do you use?' The white guy says I usually say something like, Goldy locks, goldy locks, eyes of blue, lets go to the bedroom and I'll make sweet love to you." The black guy got very excited and promised the white gut he would try it. The next day the black guy comes in all beaten up, he looked like he just got the shit beaten out of him. The white guy rushed over and said, "Hey buddy what the hell happened to you?' The black guy turned and said, "That poetry shit does not work worth a crap!" The white guys says, "Well, what did you say?" "All I said was, NAPPY HEAD, NAPPY HEAD, EYES LIKE A FROG, BEND YOUR ASS OVER AND LET ME SCREW YOU LIKE A DOG!!!!!!" HAHAHAHA

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rosie Cheeks
How do you know you need a new girlfriend? The old one keeps deflating.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Pat Magroin
Why do blond's like convertables? More leg room.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Moe Lester
What's the best thing about three year olds? Stick it in soft and when it gets hard, you can hear the bones crunch.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Raul D'World
Why did Hitler commit suicide? He finally got the gas bill.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Al Bino
Yo mamma so fat, when she get cut, she bleed gravey.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Redd Neck
You know you're a redneck if you think a quarterhorse is the ride in front of K-mart.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Abner Mality
There's a new lesbian whore house in Texas. It was built without studs and was all tongue-in-groove construction.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Johnny
What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Johnny
What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Johnny
What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shane Nannigans
A little community at the base of a mountain wa full of people named Trids. They would try to go over the mountain but the evil dragon on top would kick them down. The Trids decided to have a rabbi help them out. The rabbi went and talked to the dragon without getting kicked down the mountain so he presumed it was safe for the Trids. When the Trids came back up the dragon kicked them down as usual. The rabbi protested, claiming he hadn't been kicked down, what was the big deal? The dragon replies

Smile This Joke was Submitted By matt
two blonds were walking throw the forest and they trip over a pair of tracks one says those are the biggest tracks I have ever seen they must be elk the other one says there way to big to be Elk they must be mouse wam they get hit by a train

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jason fulton
What do you call a lesbian with 5 girlfriends? a bush hog

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jason fulton
What do you call a lesibian with 5 girlfriends? A bush hog

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jason fulton
A man walkes into a bar and says bartender give me 12 brandys. so the bartender sites out 12 glasses and pures 12 brandys. The guy starts drinking them and the bartender interrupts him and ask him why he ordered 12 brandys, the guy says its a special day my first blowjob, the bartender is happy for him and says will let me give you 3 more on the house to make it a even 15.The guy says no thats ok if 12 won't get rid of the taste nothing will

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason Hillard
This guy was sitting at a bar he had never been at before when he starting talking to another guy there. The guy was discussing what a wonderful bar it was. He told him that it had one really exicting feature. He said if you went over to the window and jumped out you'd fall 50 feet but then you'd come back up. The guy didn't believe him so the regular jumped out the window and sure enough he fell about 50 feet and came right back up. The guy still didn't believe him so he did it again and the same thing happened. So finally the other guy tried it. He fell 40, 50, 60 feet and and then splat right on the concrete. The regular then went to the bar to get another drink and the bartender said "You know superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt Naylor
There was a kid and a priest playing golf. It was the kid's turn to take a swing. He swung and missed. "God damned,I missed," said the boy. Then the priest said,"hey kid, you better not say that again or God's going to strike you down." So the boy swung again...and missed."God damned, I missed," said the boy. Again the priest warned him, "God's going to strike you down if you say that again!" So the boy swung a third time... "God damned, I missed," yelled the boy. Suddenly, from out of the sky, came a huge lighting bolt which hit the priest. Then a thundering voice from above said,"God damned, I missed."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Skip Weiser
What do you call 100 lesbians with assault weapons? Militia Ethridge!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By john byrne
your mama's so fat she broke the family tree.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By uncledog
WHY DID BARBIE GET KICKED OUT OF THE TOYBOX? SHE KEPT SITTING ON PINNOCHIOS FACE SAYING TELL ME A LIE! TELL ME A LIE!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jack Mehoff
This guy opens a bar and he can't think of what to name it. After several days of people telling him stupid ass names like Big Dick's for his bar he still couldn't figure out what to name it. until this one day this drunk said "how about LUCYS LEGS" and the bartender agreed. The next morning the drunk was causing a comotion outside of the bar. when the cop showed up he asked "what are you doing!" and the drunk said "IM WAITING FOR LUCYS LEGS TO OPEN SO I CAN GET A DRINK!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kristin
Q. How did the blonde get a concussion A. The toilet seat hit her in the back of the head.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By tony nania
Q: If a blonde and brunette jumped off of a building, which one would reach the ground first?
A: the brunette, the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Larry Nelson
Know what a gynocologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
They can both smell it but they can't eat it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike
Q. Do you know the difference between a blonde man and a blonde woman?
A. The blonde woman has a higher sperm count.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Adam
Q. Why did Tigger look in the toliet?
A. To find Pooh!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tyrel
Q:What did 1 blonde say to the other blonde?
A:I forget how to talk

Smile This Joke was Submitted By keith
Three guys van broke down on the way to the beach so they asked a guy on a farm if he could stay there the farmer said as long as you don't mess with my daughter. One guy was walking around the daughter goes how much you got $50 says the guy she says I will see what I can do she puts double scoop on and hot fudge and licks it all off. The second guy walks over their and the daughter says how much you got he says $150 she says I will see what I can do she puts double scoop on hotfudge,whip cream ,and sprinkles and licks it all off. The third guy got curious and the daughter says how much you got he says $300 she says I will see what I can do she puts triple scoop on, hot fudge ,nuts ,whip cream, sprinkles ,and a cherry on top. The guy comes back and the other guys go so what happend he said it looked so good i licked it all off myself.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Delia
1st Guy:How do you get an elephant into a pair of pantyhose? You take the 'C' out of cat and the 'F' out of way.....
2nd Guy: there's no f in way.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By brian
A blonde and brunet walking, the brunet says, "Look a dead bird." The blonde looks UP and says, "Where? Where?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By CHARLES SANDERS
WHEN BLONDES CLIMB 40 FEET, WHAT DO THEY SAY. "I REACHED MY IQ GOAL."

SmileThis Joke was Submitted By DARLENE & CASSANDRA
Q: A blonde and a brunette were walking down the street, the brunette told the blonde to look at the dog with one eye. So the blonde covered one eye.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tina Gogel
A man walks into a clock shop, goes to the counter and flops his dick on it. The cashier says, "Sir this is a clock shop." The man replies, "I know, I got something here that needs two hands and a face on it."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Randy
Q:What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts because this is going to be one hell of a blowjob!!.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Adam Heery
Q: Where does a blonde go first thing in the morning.
A: Home

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Elayna Munson
Q:What do you call two blondes in a convertible?
A:Dual Airbags

Smile This Joke was Submitted By POOPER SCOOPER19
A FAT GUY WENT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR MAMA AND SAID, "SHES LIKE A SHOTGUN, TWO COCKS AND SHE BLOWS!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Aaron
One afternoon, a father rabbit went to his son and said, "Your a big boy now so I will take you to a field where male rabbits have sex with lots of female rabbits." "Ok dad lets go." "I only have one rule after you boink them you must say thank you." "Ok dad." So the dad takes his son to the field and you hear in a deep voice thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, and you hear the same thing in a high pitched voice. This goes on for hours, until you here a "opsey-dodles, sorry dad." "Damn son."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By COREY R
LITTLE JONNY WAS TAKING A SHOWER WITH HIS MOM AND LOOKED DOWN AND SAID"WHATS THAT"? HIS MOM SAID" ITS MY SPONGE", "OH,OK" SAID JONNY. A FEW WEEKS LATER JONNY'S MOM HAD TO GET AN APPENDECTOMY. WHEN SHE CAME OUT SHE HAD SHAVED HER PUBIC AREA. JONNY, UPON SEEING THIS, SAID TO HIS MOTHER, WHERES YOUR SPONGE? HIS MOM SAID, IT'S OK I'VE JUST LOST IT. IT WILL TURN UP SOMEWHERE" A LITTLE WHILE LATER JONNY COMES BURSTING THREW THE DOOR AND SAYS"MOM I FOUND YOUR SPONGE" "WHERE?" WONDERING WHERE HE COULD HAVE FOUND IT. "IT'S UPSTAIRS. THE MAID IS USING IT TO WASH DADDY'S FACE."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By adam
O.J. Simpson and J.R. Rider (portland trailblazer-player) are in a car, Whos driving? The police.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By James
Q: What do you call ten blondes on a beach?
A: Public Access...

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris Clamp
Q: What did the blond say to the cop after she has been stopped that night 10 times and the cop unzips his pants?? A: Not again

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Not telling
If yor dog passes gas and you claim it. You might be a red neck!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By stickers
There's this beautiful blonde and three guys that want to marry her. The blonde's father was a farmer and so he told the three guys to go and pick some fruit from my garden. The first guy came back and he had strawberries. The farmer told him to shove them up his own butt so he did and the farmer said now you can marry my daughter and the guy said, "You're too mean, if I marry her I'll be related to you!" Then went away. The second guy came and he had apples and the farmer told him to shove them up his butt and he started laughing the farmer asked whats so funny and the guy said, "The last guys got watermelons! "

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Not telling
Q: If you suck a blondes tit what will she say!
A: Now the other two.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bobsie reds
Q: What do you call two blond prostitutes going down the river in a conoe?
A: FUR TRADERS!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Monica Telles
Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a Mosquito? A: The Mosquito stops sucking after you Slap It!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By J. Steffner
how do you catch a unique rabbit? (unique up on it) ---- how do you catch a tame rabbit? (tame way, unique up on it) --- how do you top a car? ( tep on the brake tupid ) hehe

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Steffner
A man in the bar walks up to the bartender and says, "Bartender, I'll bet you fifty bucks that I can stand up on the corner of your bar, have you slide a mug from the other end, and I will piss in it the whole way down without spilling a drop". With a smile, the bartender gladly obliges. He slides the mug down the bar; the guy pisses all over the bar, all over the bartender, and everything else that was around in the bar, without getting a single drop in the mug. The bartender bursts out laughing as hard as he could and says, "You silly fool!! Why in the hell did you throw your money away like that?" The man responded, "I didn't, I bet the guy sitting in the corner over there five-hundred dollars that I could get up on your bar, piss on your bar, and piss all over you while you laughed at it!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By zak samer
Q:What do you do when a blond throws a grenade at you?
A:You pull the pin and throw it back on her!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jo
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dp
Did you hear about the Heidi Fleiss doll? You wind it up and it goes out and gets you another doll.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh
Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By j.
What do you call a blond with two brain cells?
Pregnant

Smile This Joke was Submitted By The Hipster
Little Johny was out walking in the park with his father when he sees two dogs fucking. He said, "Daddy, what are they doing ?" "Don't worry about it," he said, "They're making puppies!" Well later that night Johny couldn't sleep so he went into his parents bedroom and there he saw his parents making love. He gasped Daddy Daddy what are you doing? "We're making babies!" Oh Johny said and started toward the door, than stopped turned back to his father and said " Daddy could you turn mommy over, I'd rather have puppies!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TOMMYBOY
Q:WHY ARE BLONDE JOKES SO SHORT?
A: SO BRUNETTES CAN REMEMBER THEM.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Steve Williams
A termite walks into a bar and asks " Is the bar tender here?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tracy Thatcher
Q: What's the easiest way to kill a blond?
A: Draw a line on a wall and tell her to jump over it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By malcolm
There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles per day. One day he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body. He noticed that he was suntanned all over except for on his penis, so he decided to do some-thing about this. He walked onto the beach and started burying his whole body in the sand. The only part he left uncovered was his penis. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one with a cane. Suddenly the one lady saw this penis sticking out of the sand moved it around with her cane and then said. There is really no justice in the world. The other lady said "what do you mean. The first lady replied. look at that.......When I was 20 I was curius about it, When I was 30 I enjoyed it. When I was 40 I asked for it. When I was 50 I paid for it. When I was 60 I prayed for it. When I was 70 I forgot it and now that I am 90, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TRINISHA
Q.WHAT DOES A BLONDE SAY WHEN YOU BLOW IN HER EAR?
A.THANKS FOR THE REFILL.

Q. HOW DO YOU MAKE A BLONDE LAUGH ON MONDAY MORNING?
A. TELL HER A JOKE ON FRIDAY NIGHT.

Q. WHAT DOES A BLONDE SAY WHEN YOU ASK HER IF HER BLINKER'S ON?
A. IT'S ON, IT'S OFF, IT'S ON, IT'S OFF.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Yo Mama
Q: What did the policemen's dick say to the condom?
A: Cover me I'm going in!

OK There was this guy and he decided to go into a witch's shop. He goes in an asks the witch what's the best thing ya' got? She says my voodoo dick is the best item I have, I will give you a demonstration so she claps her hands and says, "Voodoo dick, pigeon" and it turns into a pigeon. So he dicides to buy it. He takes it home that night and tries it out . He clapped his hands and said, "Voodoo dick wife." So he starts fuckin her! He clappes his hands later and it doesn't stop so he and his wife hop into the car and speed to the hospital a police stops them. He tells the policemen the story and the policeman doesn't believe him. so on the way to the car he slaps the guy's car and says voodoo dick my ass. you know what happens next!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jamie Ripple
Q: Why was blonde's tits square?
A: She forgot to take the paper out of the box.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Art burch
On a dark night a blond was looking around the sidewalk and street beneath a street light. A passerby stopped and asked if he could help. The blond said yes, she had lost her keys. "Exactly where?" he asked. She pointed to an area about twenty feet up the street. "Why are you looking here then?" he asked. "The light is much better here" she replied.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By steve
I have never met a person who does not work harder than everyone else.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nikki Ryals
Q.What is the difference between a blonde and a porshe?
A1.You don't lend your porshe to your friends.
A2.One is more expensive.

Q.What is the difference between a smart blonde and big foot?
A.Big foot has been sighted.

Q.What is the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
A.When the rooster gets up in the morning it says, "cockadoodle doo" and the blonde says, "any cock will do."

Q.How do you know when a blonde has come home from a date?
A.There is a belt buckle print on her forehead.

Q.How do you find her boyfriend?
A.Find the mathing belt buckle.

Q.What is the difference between a blonde and a bitch.
A.A blond will do anybody. A bitch will do anybody but you!

Q.What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?
A.Gifted

Q.What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
A.Pregnent.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By PHILLIP
HOW MANY BLONDES DOES IT TAKE TO UNSCREW A LIGHT BULB?
A. TWO. ONE TO HOLD THE BULB, AND THE OTHER TO TURN THE CHAIR.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Intruder
Now a joke in German:
Was bekommt man, wenn man eine Raupe mit einem Elephanten kreuzt?
Ein wandelndes Erdbeben.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gladys
What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?
AIR BAG

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kelly
Q: Why do blondes like sex?
A: It's easy and they can remember how to do it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dick
Three guys are waiting to enter heaven's gates. They each have to answer a question from St. Peter to get in. The first guys gos up and gets the question: Who was the first man on Earth. He answered: Adam. He walked in. The second guy got the question: Who was the first woman on earth. He answered: Eve. The third guy is thinking he will get an easy question. He actually gets the question: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam. The third guy starts to think and finally he says to St. Peter: OH God thats a hard one. He got to walk through.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tony
Q. How do you keep a blonde busy?
A. Put her in a round room and tell her there is a penny in the corner.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By beger
A blond walked into a store on Father's Day and saw a dad with a "World's Greatest Dad" shirt on. So she thought for a second and then went ahead and bought the same shirt. She went home and did some stiching and wrapped the present up and gave it to her dad. He opened it and it read: Worlds Second Greatest dad.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sean jamieson
Why are there so many blonde jokes?
So brunettes and redheads have something to do on a friday night.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MPW
Today I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I have ever made in my life.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Williams
My mom is so fat, when she bends over she causes a solar eclipse.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By top dog
Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky

Smile This Joke was Submitted By chase
Q:How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity? A:Her crayons are still sticky

> Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kevin
A lady walks in to the doctors office and says, "Doc, my husband is not as good in bed as he used to be. What can I do?" He says," Well give him a pill a day out of this container and call me every morning to tell me how it was." "Okay", she says. So she goes home and slips one in his coffee. She calls the doctor the next morning and says that was the best sex I've had in years!" He said,"Good keep doing it." So that night she decides to put 4 pills in. She calls the next morning and says," Damn doc that was even better!" He said to keep on doing it. So that night she dumps the rest of the bottle in. The next mourning the doctor didn't get a call. So he called the house and a kid answers. The doctor says,"Has anything weird been going on lately?" The kid says,"Tell me about it! My moms dead, my sis is pregnant, my asshole hurts, and Dad's in the back yard yelling," Here kitty kitty."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gustavo Gonzalez
Why don't girls wear skirts when they go skiing? If they did they get chap lips.


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