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Kelly's Bar Jokes
5
Sent by Web Surfers


Smile This Joke was Submitted By RON

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar

I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate

I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face


If you think that, you've been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone

I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her

No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife

And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes

And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry


I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember

I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall

I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat

I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie

There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal

But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude

These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr

I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN

I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me

But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach

I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale

Smile This Joke was Submitted By RON

Q. What do you call a quadrapalegic in a pool?
A. Bob

Q. What do you call a leper in a whirlpool?
A. Stew

Q. What do you call a woman with no legs?
A. Cuntswaylow

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Justin
This guy walks into a gun stoor and asks to look at the scopes. He finds one he likes and says "How much?" The clerk says, "Thats a good scope you can see all the way inside my house on top of the hil from here." The guy looks and says, "There's rwo maked people running around in your house." "What!" ye yells. He looks through the scope, "Thats my wife and some guy!! I'll give you that scope for free if you can shoot her head off and his dick off in two shots." The guy screws the scope onto a rifle and looks up there, "Uhh sir..." he says, "I can do it in one."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By a woman
A man should do everything a woman tells him to do

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jim
ok

Smile This Joke was Submitted By audry
There were 3 nuns painting a room and it started to get hot in the room so they took their clothes off and a few minutes after there was a knock on the door and one of the nuns said "who is it", and the person at the door said, "blind man", so they let him in, thinking that he was blind, and the guy said to them, "Nice tits sis now where do you want the blinds."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By guess who
there were three kids named shit, manners, and fuck you. shit and manners were playing with a ball, when the ball went out in the road. manners went to get it and he got hit by a semi-truck. fuck you went to the store to get a garbage bag. he asked the clerk where they were. the clerk asked " what's your name?" fuck you said " fuck you" again he asked "what's your name" "fuck you" by then the clerk was mad. he said " where are your manners son?" fuck you said "he's at home picking up shit"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alan Hale
"I have quite a burden to bear." said Jesus crossly.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Russ Awrey
Why are all Smurfs Blue?
If you went that long without sex, you would be too!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Juli
One day a woman went into a tatoo parlor and asked for a tatoo of Frank Sinatra on the inside of one of her thighs, and Elvis Prestly on the other one. When he was done the lady got really pissed off, they didn't look anything like them. The tatooer said that anyone could tell who they are. So he pulled a drunk guy inside. He said "I have no Idea who the two on the out side are but the hairy one in the middle with the bad breath is definitally Willy Nelson.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mr. Clinton
Monica Lewinsky finds a bottle floating in the ocean? She reads the letter inside and it says she gets one wish. She wished her love handles would disappear, so POOF POOF Her ears disappeared.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jimbob
Q: Why can't you hear rabbits have sex?
A: They have cottonballs.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jimbob
There was a girl who loved to have sex but didn't want to have a baby, so she asked her dad how to do it. Her dad said, "Once they're about to cum ask them what they're going to name the baby it works every time." It worked on the first two men because they ran out screaming . The third man was having sex with her, shut off the light and slipped on a condom.. The guy started to cum and the girl says, "What are you gonna name the baby?" He kept going. she asked him again but he kept going. So finally he turns on the light and the girl is like, "What are you gonna name the baby?" So he ties up the condom and says, "Houdini, if the little bastard can get out of this."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bubba
Why couldn't they arrest Monica Lewinsky? She swallowed the evidence!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jeff
There were 3 fags sitting in a hot tube. All of sudden one of them sees sperm floating in the tub, Ok which one of you farted

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff
Question:How can you tell a snowman from a snowgirl.
answer:Snow balls

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Speed Gonzalas
Q: Why did the snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower was comming.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mERCEDES bENZ
Q: How many oppossums does it take to have sex?
A: Three. The two need one to watch for traffic.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Pass Gas Man
yo momma's house is so dirty you have to wipe your feet to go outside.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By FAT DADDY
WHY DID THE TURTLE CROSS THE ROAD?
THERE WAS A SHELL STATION ON THE OTHER SIDE!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Hey! Yo, Tony!
What can a roll of Lifesavers do that you can't do???
Come in five flavors!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ant-nee
What's great on pizza but bad on pussy???
Crust.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Christine Church
Why did a guy put batteries in backwards? Because the pink Energizer keeps cuming.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By 2 ku 4 u
yo mamma's This Joke was Submitted By 2 ku 4 u
yo mamma's so fat. she's got more chins than a chinese phone book!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Marc Poulin
What is brown, fuzzy and lays in the forest?
Smokey the hooker

Smile This Joke was Submitted By James O'Donohue
What's worse than a skunk on your piano?
A diseased beaver on your organ

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ant-nee
What university did Michael Jackson go to? Bringum Young.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jake
Q. How did the blonde burn her nose.
A. bobbing for french fries

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris Bosak
Yo Mama's so fat, she fell down the Grand Canyon and got stuck!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By claus
Q: Why did monica refuse to play golf with Clinton?
A: She was tired of his balls hitting her in the face.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By brian gustafson
There are 2 old people sitting around the table eating breakfast one morning, and the old women looks at the old man and says. "What were we doing 51 years ago?" and the old man thinks for a minute, and says "I don't know what were we doing 51 years ago." and the old women says, "We were sitting around this table eating breakfast naked!" And the old man thinks a minute and say's, "That's right we were were'nt we?" and the old lady says, "Well, lets do it again for old times sake." So the old man agrees and they get naked. And the old lady leans over to the old man and says "You know I'm just as hot for you today as I was 51 years ago" and the old man looks her straight in the eyes and said "That's because you have one tit in you coffee, and one in your oatmeal!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ted
Who would win in a race, 2 gays or 2 lesbians? Lesbians, because their doing 69 the whole way while the gays are home packing their shit!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike
Q: Whats the difference between your sister and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't go home after having a load dumped in it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DILLON WARNER
WHAT DOES A WOMEN HAVE IN COMMEN WITH A POSTIAL STAMP
YOU LICKEM, STICKEM, AND SEND THEM AWAY

Smile This Joke was Submitted By vIrUs
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed im to a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues in to the night.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By NICOLE
WHAT IS THE DEFFRENCE BETWEEN ELTON JOHN AND DIANA
ELTON JOHN IS COMPOSING AND DIANA IS DECOMPOSING!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ala
How do you tell a versace shirt?
It's got four buttons and five holes.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By numnuts
there were these two people fucking in a apartment building. The yellow condom goes flying out. A boy comes and picks it up thinking that it is a twinkie. The guy comes down and asked for the condom. The boy said" No, my twinkie." The guy said" I pay you ten dollars for it. "No!" yelled the boy. "50 dollars" said the man. "No!" yelled the boy. The man finally goes" Okay, 100 dollars, and thats my final offer. "Okay." said the boy. So the boy goes home and tells his mom, "Mommy, mommy, I got a hundred dollars from this man for a twinkie. But what the man doesn't know is that I sucked out all the cream filling!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jonathin Whinfrey
There was a man, and he was getting lonely. So he went to a Whore House. He said to the womam "What can I get for two dollars." She said "Just this chicken." He said "NO WAY!!" When he went back to his house he started to get lonely. So he went back the next day and said " give me the chicken." Then she said "Go to the second door on the right. An hour later he walked out with the chicken, and the chicken was nearly dead because he fucked it so hard. The next day he came back with 10 bucks and said " What can I get for 10 bucks. She took the money and said "Go the the first door on the right." When he walked in the door there were a few guys there, and they were all watching 2 women fucking each other. After the show some guys said "This was pretty good, but it was nothing compared to that guy with the chicken.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By josh
your mom is so dumb, she had no legs and still tried to run for president

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mike mcmath
A miget walks into an elevator sees a tall guy standing there he thinks nothing about it and presses the down button. Half way down the elevator breaks down so the miget thinking to himself oh were going to be stuck here for a while so I better make friends with this guy. miget: what's your name? guy: Turner Brown. The miget faints a few minutes later the miget comes around. Miget: what did you say your name was? guy: Turner Brown Miget: Oh I thought you said turn around.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By David Youngs
The man insists he must see the doctor immediately. When he finally gets alone with the doctor he starts in, "doc, I gotta have a kidney transplant, a liver transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant..." "Whoa there! Wait just a minute!" interupts the good doctor. "Just stop and tell me why you think you need all these transplants." "Well, I need them because -- because my boss said I needed to get reorganized."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erica
What do you call a blonde with pigtalls? A blow job with handles.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duffie
Books you will never find: 1. Italian war heroes 2. Frenchmen who don't smell 3. Polish wit and wisdom 4. Black men I've met while yachting

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duffie
After the first man on the moon, the Polish president got angry and said "We're going to send our astronauts to the Sun!" The astrounauts say thats impossible, we'll burn up. The president replies, "What are you, stupid? You're going to land there at night!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duffie
How do pollocks wash their clothes? They throw them in a garbage can and shake it!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duffie
How do you ruin a Polish party? Flush the punchbowl.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duffie
Did you hear about the new Polish Army? They bought 3,000 septic tanks from France and they're going to attack Germany after they learn how to drive them.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duffie
You know you're in Poland if you see clotheslines with toilet paper on them.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim Hobo
One Day there was this man that came home from work early. Well on his way into his house he noticed a jacket hanging on the rack which was not his. Well he thought it was a present so he didnt worry about it. When he went to the bedroom he smelt mens cologne and his wife was naked in the bed. He told his wife to tell him who she was doing and she wouldnt tell. he started pulling out her pussy hairs one by one untill she told well he got down to the last one and couldnt get it out. He said " Come out of there you little black bastard". And this black guy came out of the closet saying I so sorry I so sorry

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alex
Q:The maker does not want it... The buyer does not use it... And the user does not see it... What is it?
A: A coffin.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MIKE
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together,doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Robert Bortz Jr.
A lady named Barbra Walters is doing a report on native americans, she decides that she needs a first hand look at them instead of reading about them in books and magazines, so she goes to the nearist indian resevation. When she gets there she sees an indian walking aroung and he was wearing one feather on his head. She asks him why do you have one feather on you head? He said me sleepem withone squaw (wife) So me have one feather. She thought that he was jokeing aroung so she went up to an indian that had three feathers on his head, she asks him why he has three feathers on his head. He said me sleepem with three squaws (three wifes) so me have three feathers. She thought he was just joking too, so she went to the cheif that had a head full of feathers and she asked him why he had so many feathers on his head? He said me fuckem all big, fat, tall, small. She said to the cheif, you must be very hostile and the cheif replies yes hostyle, dogstyle, wolfstyle, anystyle. She tells the cheif that he should be hung and the cheif replies yes me hung like fucking buffalo. She says oh my dear, then the cheif gets a wierd look on his face and says no me no fuckem dear. Ass holes to high and they run to damn fast.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jamie Bartram
What has four legs is hairy and does it just about anywhere?
your parents!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sime
For her birthday, my wife asked me to take her to a place that she had never been to before... .. so I took her into the kitchen

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tasha Snyder
This is the story of the three pigs: The first one walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. He drinks it and orders several more. After awhile, he stands up and asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender tells him that it is down the hall to the right. So, the pigs goes to the bathroom and then leaves. Shortly after, the second pig walks into the bar orders a few beers and after awhile also asks the bartender where the bathroom is. He tells him that it's down the hall to the right. The third pig walks into the bar and sits down and orders several beers. He drinks them and them stands up and starts to leave. The bartender yells to him "Wait, don't you want to know where the bathroom is?" The pig replies, "No, I'm the pig that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Robert
Three men walking in a desert. One man has a umbrella and they ask why the umbrella? He replys to get under for shade. Another man has a water bottle. They ask why the water. He replys in case we get thirsty. The third and last man has a car door. They ask why the car door. He replyed in case it gets hot we can role down a window.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kenny P
Why is Chelsy Clinton sueing Monica Lewinsky? For swollowing her baby brother.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Robert
Why did Bill linton lose his secretary? He forgot where he laid her last!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nickolus Wiebel
One day this bloke from Austrailia walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The bloke says "I'll take a scotch, the ostrich says "I'll take the same, the the cat says "I want rum but I'm not fuckin payin". The bartender comes up and says "that will be 2 pounds sir" The bloke reaches in his pocket and pulls out exactly 2 pounds. They drink their drinks and go home. The next night they come back to the bar, they order the same thing and the cat says "I want brandy, but I'm not fuckin payin. The bartender comes and says that will be 2 1\2 pounds. The bloke reaches in his pocket and pulls out exactly 2 1\2 pounds. They drink and return home. This happens about 5 nights in a row. Finally one night the bartender asks the bloke, "how do you always pull out exactly the right amount of money?" Well he says, I met a genie and made a wish that whenever I needed to pay for something, I would just reach in to my pocket and pull out the exact amount of money. Oh says the bartender how about the ostrich and the cat? Well he says, that was the worst wish I ever made. For my second wish I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nickolus Wiebel
what did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a blow job!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Little Bit & Me
Your Momma's like a bus, 25cents and she's ready to ride.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh
Your MAMMA is so fat her belt is as big as the equator

Smile This Joke was Submitted By PAUL
YO MOMMAS SO FAT SHE GET'S STUCK IN HER DREAMS!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By paul
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A CHICKEN THAT CROSSES THE ROAD TWICE AND FALLS IN A PILE OF MUD! A: A DIRTY DOUBLE CROSSER

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gat Weiss
Hi, There is this really good joke, but I must save all the credit for: http://www.todaysjokes.com since I read it there: A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By David
Yo momma's so fat and so old that when she sat down the impact killed the dinosaurs.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ryon
A guy in a truck drives up to the farmers house to buy some corn, he sees's a dog standing by the farmer and says, "Does your dog bite?" The farmer says nope when the guy gets out the dog starts ripping the guy to shreds and the guy said, "I thought you said that your dog don't bite," The farmer says, "Thats not my dog."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Heather Mcgee
There were these three guys one was black one was chinese the other was white and they're in hell and the devil tells them you put your penis into my hand and if it melts you have to stay here but if it dosen't you get to heaven, so the white man went up first his melted next went the chineese man his melted too but when the black guy went up his didn't melt so the devil asked him why and the black man said, "chocloate melts in your mouth not in your hand."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Piper
The little rascals were in school and their class was having a spelling bee...Buckwheat and spanky were the only ones standing...the teacher said to spanky..."spell the word correctly and and use it in a sentence. The word is dictate..."Spanky takes his turn..."Dictate...D-I-C-K-T-E-T-E.." "No spanky...Im sorry thats wrong...sit down.." "Buckwheat if you can spell the word correctly and use it in a sentence...You win this weeks bee.." "Dictate...D-I-C-T-A-T-E...".."very good buckwheat now use it in a sentence"..."Hey Darla, How'd my Dic-tate last night?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Danielle
What did the 0 say to the 8? Where did you get that lovely belt.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By fresh
There was a girl who was getting married, the girl said, before we get married I want to tell you that I'm flat chested, the guy said oh thats ok I still love ya.The guy said before we get married I have to tell you that I'm just like a baby. The girl said that's alright, I still love you. So they get married and the girl takes off her shirt and said see I told you I'm flat chested, then the guy said that's alright. Next the guy took off his pants and said see I'm just like a baby, eight pounds twenty-one inches long.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By =ReEsEs BuTtErCuP=
Your mama's so ugly that when she tried out for an ugly contest, they said "sorry, no professionals"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike R.
Why did the Italian boy run away from home? He didn't like the way he was being reared.
Why did he go back? He couldn't stand to leave his little brothers behind.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike R.
What did the dry cleaner find when he was cleaning Monica Lewinsky's dress? A wad of Bill's.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike R.
Why do they call camels ships of the desert? Because they're full of Arab semen.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike R.
A man and his wife were married for fifty years. Ever since they got married he kept a locked safe in the bedroom closet. When he went to work every day he made his wife promise she would never look inside the safe. After fifty years one day she couldn't resist and one day she found the key in its hiding place and opened the safe. Inside she found three empty beer cans and a thousand dollars. When the husband came home she said "I'm sorry, I couldn't help it, I looked inside your safe. But why do you keep empty beer cans there?" The husband told her "Every time I have been unfaithful to you, I have a beer, and put the empty can inside the safe as a reminder". The wife says, "Well I guess that's O.K. if you only fooled around three times in our fifty year marriage. But why is there a thousand dollars in the safe?" The husband replies "Every time I got a dozen empties I turned them in for the refund".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike R.
What does a girl from Surrey have in common with a bowling ball? They both get picked up, fingered, and thrown in the gutter.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By corey
Q:What did the elephant say to the naked man? A:How do you drink out of that thing

Smile This Joke was Submitted By SEAN
YOUR MAMMAS SO BALD WHEN SHE PUTS ON A TURTLENECK SHE LOOKS LIKE A BUSTED CONDOM

Smile This Joke was Submitted By WILLY
YOUNG BILL CLINTON AT SCHOOL WAS ASKED THE FOLLOWING QUESTION BY HIS TEACHER: "IF THERE ARE THREE CROWS SITTING ON A FENCE AND YOU SHOOT ONE OF THEM, HOW MANY ARE LEFT?" BILL REPLIES: "NONE MISS." SHE SAID: "THAT IS NOT CORRECT BILLY, THERE ARE TWO LEFT." BILL SAYS: "NO MISS, THERE ARE NONE LEFT BECAUSE WHEN I FIRED THE GUN THE OTHERS FLEW AWAY!" "NO, NO, BILLY" SAID THE TEACHER "THERE ARE STILL TWO CROWS LEFT -- BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING." BILL THEN SAID TO HIS TEACHER:"MISS, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?" "SURE, BILLY" SHE REPLIED. BILL THEN ASKED: "IF THERE ARE THREE WOMEN EATING ICE CREAM, AND ONE IS LICKING THE ICE CREAM, ONE IS SUCKING THE ICE CREAM AND ONE IS BITING THE ICE CREAM. WHICH ONE IS MARRIED?" HIS TEACHER THOUGHT FOR A WHILE AND THEN SAID:"I DON'T REALLY KNOW, BILLY, BUT I SUPPOSE IT IS THE ONE SUCKING THE ICE CREAM." "OH NO, MISS" SAID BILLY" IT'S THE ONE WITH THE WEDDING RING -- BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anna
Your mamas soo FAT...her boyfriend slapped her ass and was ridding the waves!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By joel
yo mama so fat she step on a scale it said to be contiuned.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anna
Your mamas soo FAT...she has to use a boomerang to help put on her belt!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anna
Your mamas soo FAT....after having sex..her boyfriend rolled over twice and was still ontop of her!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Daniel
I used to think the brain was the most interesting part of the body. But then I thought, "Hey, look what's telling me that."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By big cory
Have you heard about the guy who put the condom on backwards? He went.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By big cory
A stoner called the fire department and said " Come quick my house is on fire!" The fireman asked "How do you get there?" The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shannon Saltzman
a flea is walking down the beach and it kicks a can and a genie comes out and says I will grant you three wishes to live were ever you want and the flea says he wants to live in lassies collar and so he lives there for 2 weeks and is walking back down the beach and kicks the can and the genie says what happened and the flea says he almost died of so many baths and now the flea says he wants to live in steven spieldbergs beard and so he lives there for 2 weeks and comes back and kicks the can and the genie pops out and says what happened and the flea says to much cigar smoke almost killed me and then the flea says he wants to live in madonnas pussy so he lives there for 2 weeks and comes back and kicks the can and the genie says I cant grant you anymore wishes but what happened to madonna and the flea says one night I was sleeping with madonna and the next night I was right back in spielbergs berd

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ricker & Justin
This lady puts an ad in the local paper asking for a man who will not: beat her, walk out on her, and is good in bed. Two weeks go by, and she finally gets a response to her ad. This man rings her doorbell, when she answers, she sees a man with no arms and no legs! She says, "what makes you qualified for my needs?" He says "I can't beat you, cause' I don't have any arms. I can't walk out on you, cause' I don't have any legs." She asks, "Well, are you good in bed?" And he responds, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Justin
Once a king said that anyone who could spend the night with his daughter could merry her. But just to make sure, he stuck razors in her pussy. That morning, the king got up to see how the first guy did, "Pull down your pants!", the king said, he did and his dick fell off, he was decapitated. The next morning, the king went to her room and stood in front of the second guy, "Pull down your pants!", dick fell off, he too was be-headed. The third and final guy slept there that night, and in the morning the king went to her room. "So, did you have sex with my daughter?", he shook his head. "Pull down your pants!", pulled them down, his dick diden't fall off. "Okay," said the king, "You can marry my daughter". The king knoded his head and as soon as he left, he turned around and his tung fell out.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By justin McCauley
Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7? A: Cause' seven ate nine.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By lisa
god gave men a brain and a penis pity he didn't give them enough blood to use them both at the same time!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Greg Nutter
Q:How do you fit 5 cubans in a cigar box? A: Tell them it floats!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By daniel
Q. What do you do with 365 condoms. A. Melt them up and call it a goodyear.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anna Nielsen
One day a wife says to her husband, " You have to fix the refrigorater door today." The husband replied, " Does it look like I have a hardware hank sign on my head?" The husband went to work and when he came back the refrigerator door was fixed. He asked, " How did that get fixed?" She replied, " I was sitting on the steps crying after you left and a man said he would fix it if I would bake him a cake or screw him." He said, " Well what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, " Does it look like I have a Betty Crocker sign on my head?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Courtney Wenzel
How did the blonde brake here leg raking leafs? She fell out of the tree.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By April
A women went to a B.B King concert.Since she was such a big fan, she decided to get his initials tatooted on her butt afterwards. So she did, and then went home and showed her husband. "What do you think of it?" she asked. "Thats fine', he said,' but who in the hell is Bob?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jessica Freeman
Q.What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? A.Choked.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chubbs peterson
Q:why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet? A:It doesn't need cleaning.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Adam Montgomery
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?? Fur traders!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chrissy W
Q. Have you heard of the new lesbian disease?
A. It's called "Strapadicktome!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Luke Smith
Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb. A. Two, But I don't know how they got in there.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Babs Bunny
what's the difference between a white women and a black one?
A: White women end up in playboy and the black women end up in national geographic.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By javi mercado
This lady got into an accident and she lost her left arm and her left leg but now she's alright!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By javi mercado
Your momma's so stupid she triped over a cordless phone!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kent J
Yo mama`s so fat she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Laurens boy
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dennis
There are two hobos walking down the train tracks and one says to the other I smell shit, did you shit and the guy says nope. So they walk down the tracks about a mile and he asks him again did you shit and he says nope. So they go a little further and the guy says thats it I smell shit bend over and he pulls down his pants and there lies a pile of shit and he says I thought you didn't shit and the guy says ohh I thought you were talking about today.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave
A man walks into a lounge with an octopus. The lounge has a stage with equipment for an orchestra which will be playing that night. The man approaches the bar and the bartender says," Whoa, what have you got there?" The man says,"I will bet you 50 dollars that my octopus can play any instrument on the stage. The bartender says okay let's see him play the piano. The octopus plays flawless Brahms, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky. Okay, says the bartender, let's see him play drums. The octopus takes a drumstick in each tentacle and plays like Buddy Rich, Gene Krupa and Ginger Baker all at once. Then, the bartender disappears into the back room and emerges with a set of bagpipes, which he throws onto the floor. The octopus leaps onto the bagpipes and rolls around on the floor. AHAH!!Says the bartender, he can't play those!! "Give him a second," says the man, "When he figures out he can't screw it, he'll play it!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paul Shadywood
Q: Why do we have our butt cracks vertical instead of horizontal? A: So when we go down a slide we don't go BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Seymour Horn
Two pediofiles on a beach the first says to the second:"Hey, get out of my son"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim
The Creation of a Pussy Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, smart with wit, using a knife he gave it a slit. Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole. Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within. Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher whose name was Mc Gee, punched it and blessed it and said it could pee. Last came a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim
HOW TO KILL AN EEL Little Johnny was seven years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon, both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever, because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick. . . a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put of a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing, and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And, by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats. . . they have nine lives or something. this time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about thirty-five minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet." Mother fainted.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim
A Dog Named Sex Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I want a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay you bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem." One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal any more." When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said that's not unusual. Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes by Friday.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By CHRIS
There are two stupid men walking, says one to the other: Can I walk in the middle!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
Q:Do you know the difference between a cocksucker and a corned beef sandwich? Statement:No A:Good.Come over tomorrow for lunch.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
Three nuns were walking along the street and one was describing with her hands the tremendous grapefruit she'd seen in Florida. The second one, also with her hands, described the huge bananas she'd seen in Jamaica. The third nun, a little deaf, asked, "Father who?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
The little boy was sitting on the curb crying and an old man who was passing by came over to him. "What's the matter, little boy?" he asked. "Why are you crying?" The little boy said, "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys do." The old man sat down on the curb and cried too.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
IT WAS HIS WEDDING NIGHT AND THE MINISTER FINISHED UNDRESSING IN THE BATHROOM AND WALKED INTO THE BEDROOM. HE WAS SURPRISED TO SEE THAT HIS BRIDE HAD ALREADY SLIPPED BETWEEN THE BED SHEETS. "MY DEAR," HE SAID, "I THOUGHT I WOULD FIND YOU ON YOUR KNEES." SHE SAID, "WELL, HONEY, I CAN DO IT THAT WAY TOO, BUT IT GIVES ME THE HICCOUGHS."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. A twelve-year-old said,"I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped,"What-did-you-say-?" The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute." "A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
Your mama is like a pepsi machine. Pop a quarter in and out comes a new generation.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
The judge came home and found his wife in bed with his very best friend. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?" "See," the wife said to the man beside her,"I told you he was stupid."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris King
yo mommas like a vaccum cleaner, she sucks, blows, and gets laid in the closet

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
Then there is the story of the eighty-year-old Italian roue who called on his doctor. "Professore, I would like you to examine me. To see if I am sexually fit." "Very well, let me see your sex organs, please." The aged patient replied, "Eccoli," and struck out his index finger and his tongue.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
A farmer sent his fifteen-year-old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck. "See if you can get a girl in exchange for this," he said. The lad met a prostitute and said, "It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck? Would you be willing to-? "Sure," she said. "I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck." Afterwards, she said, "Do you know, for a fifteen-year-old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck." "Sure," said the boy. When his pleasurable work was through, he started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2. When he got home, his father asked, "How did you make out?" The son said: "I got a f*** a duck, a duck for a f***, and two dollars for a f***ed-up duck."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
One morning recently A young woman Got out of bed Slipped into her robe Raised the shade Uncovered the parrot Put on the coffee pot Answered the phone And heard a masculine voice say: "Hello, honey. My ship just hit port And I'm coming right over." So the young lady Took the coffee pot off the stove Covered the parrot Pulled down the shade Took off her robe Got into bed and heard the parrot mumble, "Kee-rist, what a short day that was!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mr.ass
your momas so fat she uses a pillow as a tampon

Smile This Joke was Submitted By KIYLER
There was a woman who wanted sex from her husband, and he couldn't perform. So she went to the Dr. and explained the problem to him. He gave her a bottle of pills that would do the trick. When she got home she put two pills in her husbands drink. That night they had sex. The next morning she called the Dr. and told him what happened. She asked him what she could do to make the sex better. He told her to put three pills in his drink instead of two. SO she realy wanted great sex so she put the whole bottle in his coffee. The next morning the Dr. called and the little boy answered the phone. The Dr. asked where mommy was, and the little boy said, my mommy is dead, my sister is crying, my butt whole hurts, and my daddy is chasing the cat saying "here pussy, pussy, pussy!!!!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dingo
why did the clinton's name their dog buddy? because it would be weird hearing cum spot cum spot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jeremy loper
Bill Clinton plays the saxaphone. He also plays another instrument. Do you know what it is? Whoremonica

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kelli
Monica Lewinski goes into the dry cleaners and tells the employee that she needs her dress cleaned, the employee who was a little hard of hearing replied, "Come Again."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Leann
A chicken walked into a book store, jumped up on the counter and said BOAK. The lady gave him a book he jumped down and walked off. About an hour later the chicken came back, jumped up on the counter and said BOAK. The lady thought it was kind a strange, but she gave him a book and decided to fallow him. The chicken walked down to the pond, and gave the book to a frog and he said READIT.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Daniel Bloomfield
Q. What have a gynacoligist and a Pizza delivery guy got in common? A. They can both smell it but can't eat it!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kat
Your mama is so fat that little kids kept asking her to sit on the rainbow so they could have skittles. hahaha

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
Your mama is so fat she uses the 91 freeway as a slip and slide.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
Your mama is so fat that when she wants to take a bath she has to use the Pacific Ocean.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Clint
What did the fish say when he bumped his head on the concrete? ----- Dam!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By joel
A DUCK WALKS INTO A BAR AND ASKES THE BARTENDER IF HE HAS ANY GRAPES. THE BARTENDER SAYS NO. THE NEXT DAY THE DUCK COMES IN AND ASKES "GOT ANY GRAPES?" "NOPE." SAYS THE BARTENDER. THE NEXT DAY THE DUCK DOES IT AGAIN AND THE BARTENDER SAYS "IF YOU COME IN HERE AGAIN AND ASK ME IF I GOT ANY GRAPES I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR." THE NEXT DAY THE DUCK COMES IN AND SAYS "GOT ANY NAILS?" "NOPE." "GOOD, GOT ANY GRAPES."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By White Wolf
Yo Mama is so dumb, she stole FREE bread.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh McNutt

Yo mama's so fat, when she dances the band skips.
Yo mama's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good side.
Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo mama's so fat her clothes have stretch marks.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to hop the turnstile twice.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
Yo mama's so fat, she has two stomaches...one for meats and one for vegetables.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.
Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mama's so fat, when they used her underwear for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "OK!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she lays on the beach, people run around her yelling, "Free Willy!"
Yo mama's so big, she plays Tiddly Winks with manhole covers.
Yo mama's so big she plays marbles with planets.
Yo mama's so big she tripped on the Alps and burned her lips on the sun.
Yo mama's so big she has to wear a sock on each toe.
Yo mama's so fat, her belt size is equator.
Yo mama's so fat, they used the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.
Yo mama's so fat if she fell out of a tree she'd go straight to hell.
Yo mama's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mama's so fat, every time she puts an apple in her mouth people try to roast her.
Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.
Yo mama's so fat she uses a satellite dish as a diaphragm.
Yo mama's so fat, when she brought her dress to the cleaners they told her, "Sorry, we don't do curtains."
Yo mama's so fat that she ate your chicken pox.
Yo mama's so fat, she had her baby pictures taken by satellite.
Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of franks.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar.
Yo mama's so big that when the family wants to watch home movies they ask her to wear white.
Yo mama's so fat Tupac can't even "Get Around" her.
Yo mama's so fat she can't even jump to a conlusion.
Yo mama's so fat, she hula-hooped the Super Bowl.
Yo mama's so fat she was baptized in Sea World.
Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the New World.
Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Yo mama's is so fat I went to wake her up and she was stuck in a dream.
Yo mama's so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a bugger out of George Washington's nose.
Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo mama's so fat, she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spell out "Boulevard".
Yo mama's so fat, she on a light diet...as soon as it gets light out she starts eating.
Yo mama's so fat she sells shade in the summer.
Yo mama's so fat that when she was walking down the street, this guy came up to her and said "Hey you..yeah you in the middle."
Yo mama's so big that she sat on a rainbow and got Skittles.
Yo mama's so big that when she went to the airport and told them she wanted to fly, they stamped GoodYear on her ass and put her on the runway!
Yo mama's so big she needs a building permit for her girdle.
Yo mama's so fat she sat on a quarter and got change.
Q: What's the difference between your mother and Mobey Dick?
A: Not a damn thang!
Yo mama's so fat that when she wore an "X" jacket a helicopter tried to land on her back.
Yo mama's head is so big, it shows up on radar.
Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the beach, she's the only one who got a tan.
Yo mama's so fat, when she went to a restaurant, they showed her the menu and she said "OK".
Yo mama's so fat she uses a VCR as a beeper.
Yo mama's so fat your bathtub has stretch marks.
Yo mama's so fat she's on both sides of your family.
Yo mama's so fat when she stepped on the scale it said, "To be continued."
Yo mama's so fat they use her underwear for bungee-jumping.
Yo mama's so fat her nick name is Shamu.
Yo mama's so fat she got a run in her jeans.
Yo mama's so fat she's like the Bermuda Traingle; when kids run around her they get lost.
Yo mama's so fat, she irons her clothed in the driveway.
Yo mama's so fat she sells shade in the summer.
Yo mama's so fat she has to take off her pants to go into her pockets.
Yo mama's so fat, she left the house with high-heels and came back with fip-flops.
Yo mama's so fat, when I got on top of her my ears popped.
Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a dime and picked up two nickels.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't reach her back pocket.
Yo mama's so fat, she influences the tides.
Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
Yo mama's so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again.
Yo mama's so fat, when she dances the band skips.
Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama's so fat, she was baptized at Marine World.
Yo mama's so fat, when she got hit by a bus she said "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama's so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.
Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code.
Yo mama's so fat, when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearing tights.
Yo mama's so fat, she can sit on a rock and make it a diamond.
Yo mama's so big, you need a trucker's license to ride her.
Yo mama's so fat, they ahd to grease the bathtub to get her out.
Yo mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution, Wide Turns" sign.
Yo mama's so fat, she left the house with high heels and came back with flip flops.
Yo mama's so fat, you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Yo mama's so fat, they got her face on the Crisco can.
Yo mama's butt is so big, they use her girdle as a hammock.
Yo mama's so fat, when she lies on the beach, no one else gets any sun.
Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said, "Sorry, we don't do livestock."
Yo mama's so fat NASA orbits satellites around her.
Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said, "To be continued."
Yo mama's so big, when she wears a yellow dress kids try to board her at the corner.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the amusement park, people try to ride HER.
Yo mama's so fat, they tax her breasts as carry-on luggage.
Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said, "One at a time please!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps she brings down the bridge too.
Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg and gravy poured out.
Yo mama's so fat, she puts on tampons with a bazooka.
Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower her feet don't get wet.
Yo mama's so fat, when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight.
Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
Yo mama's so heavy, she turns slower than an old bottle of milk.
Yo mama's so fat her neck looks like a pair of hotdogs.
Yo mama's so fat, Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction.
Yo mama's so fat, every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil.
Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm because she takes up two time zones.
Yo mama's so fat, her legs look like spoiled milk; white and chunky.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell "Taxi!"
Yo mama's so fat, I got lost walking around her.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears her green and white sweater she looks like a football field.
Yo mama's butt is so big, when you put your ear up to it, you can hear the ocean.
Yo mama's so fat, she fell and made the Grand Canyon.
Yo mama's so fat, the AIDS quilt can't cover her.
Yo mama's so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in.
Yo mama's so big, she plays hopscotch like, "Texas...Alabama...North Carolina...Pennsylvania..."
Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper went off, they thought she was backing up.
Yo mama's so fat she shows up on radar.
Yo mama's so fat, she has more chins than the Hong Kong phone book.
Yo mama's so fat, she went bungee jumping and went straight to hell.
Yo mama's so fat she had to iron her blouse in the driveway.
Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is "DAMN!"
Yo mama's so fat she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yout mother's so fat, I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
Yo mama's so fat, her high school year book picture was an aerial picture.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears high heel shoes she strikes oil.

Biblical Mother Jokes


Yo mama's so old, she had a picture of Jesus in her high school yearbook.
Yo mama's so old she owes Moses a rock.
Yo mama's so fat, God couldn't light the earth until she moved.
Yo mama's so old, she owes Jesus a nickel.
Yo mama's so tall, when she did a back-flip, she kicked God in the chin.
Yo mama's so old she can read the Bible and reminisce.
Yo mama's so fat, she was mistaken for GOD's bowling ball.
Yo mama's so old she got Jesus's beeper number.
Yo mama's so big she drop-kicked God!
Yo mama's so old that when God said "Let there be light!"..she hit the switch.
Yo mama's so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yo mama's so old she knew the Garden of Eden when it was a plant.
Yo mama's so old she proof read the 10 Commandments.
Yo mama's so old she owes Moses a quarter from the good old days.
Yo mama's so old, when Moses parted the Red Sea she was on the other side fishing.
Yo mama's so old she was in Jesus's year book.
Yo mama's so old, she sat in back of Jesus in third grade.

Low I.Q. Mother Jokes


Yo mama's so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.
Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood test.
Yo mama's so dumb, that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By J Davis
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the owner if he could get a tattoo of a hundred dollar bill on his penis. The owner says that he would do it but wants to know why this man wants money tattooed on his penis. The man says "I've got three reasons:
1. I like to play with it.
2. I like to watch it grow.
3. I want to see how long it takes for my wife to blow it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason Kopp
An Irish man walks into a bar in New York and orders 3 pints of Guiness. He then goes to a table and drinks each beer rotating one sip at a time out of each beer until all three beers are gone. The bartender tells him that if he'd order and drink one beer at a time, the beer would be fresher. The irish man explains that he and his brothers made a promise to drink the three beers in that fashion to remember the good old days when they all drank in Ireland together. The Irishman becomes a regular at the bar and another regular walks in and notices that the bar is unusually quiet and that the Irishman is drinking only two beers. This patron walks up to the Irishman and says, "I'm terribly sorry about your loss." The Irishman gives him a puzzled look and then smiles and replies, "No one died laddy....I just decided to give up drinking!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michael Hansen
Yo mama's is so fat that heres blodpress is Nutella.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michael Hansen
lkvlmæmælbmæd fældmæ ksæmgm oskgæms gmæsm

Smile This Joke was Submitted By lynny nutt
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He looks at the end of the bar and see's a large glass bowl full of fifty dollar bills. The bartender comes up and asks the guy what does he want. The guy ask the bartender what's the glass bowl for. The bartender replies "what we do here is ou put in fifty dollars in the bowl and if you can do three thing's you win the whole pot". The guy look's at the bartender and asks "can you tell what the three things are". The bartender say's "first you have to drink a fifth of tequilla without stopping" to which the guy say's no problem". The bartender then say's "the second thing is that we have a pitt bull out back and he has had this bad tooth for about a year and we have not been able to get near him to get it out". The guy looks at the bartender with some worry and say's "no problem" what's the third thing. The bartender replies "well grandma live out back in a trailor house and has not had aan orgasim in about twenty years. The gut replies "no problem" and reaches in his back pocket and takes out a fifty dollar bill and puts it in the bowl. The bartender places a fifth of tequila in front of the man, the man picks it up and drinks it all without stopping. The guy feels warm and tingly, he looks up at the bartender and ask's the bartender where is that pit bull. The bartender say's "go out the back door and he is tied up on a chain in the back". The guy stands up goes outside and a few seconds later you here the dog barking and growing the guy starts screaming his head off. About five minutes later the guy comes back in with his clothes all torn, blood caked all over his clothes and look's at the bartender and say's "Ok where's that grandma with the bad tooth".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ryanor Yelkovitch
Your mama's so fat, she has to wake up in sections.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Spinal
On a calculator type in the following to go along with this joke this (1) girl was (16) and had (69) times(3) that made her (turn the calculator upside down) (11669 times 3)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Julie Wimberly
A little old lady suffered from Alzheimer's and her family had no choice, but to place her in a nursing home. They supplied her with new clothes and all the comforts she would need. The first morning there, she put on one of her new dresses - but nothing on underneath. She went to the room right next door to hers, pulled up her dress and said, "super pussy!" Then she left and made her way next door where she did the same routine - pulled up her dress and said, "super pussy!" She proceeded to go from room to room with the same routine. Eventually, she arrived in a room occupied by an old man who was completely bedridden. She pulled up her dress and said, "super pussy!" To which he replied, "I'll have to see that again." So she repeated her show, stepping back and pulling up her dress and saying, "super pussy!" He thought for a moment, and his final response to her was, "I think I'll have the soup."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By FRANKIE
JESUS AND THE HOLY GHOST ARE SITTING ON A BOAT. THE HOLY GHOST SAYS "I BET YOU I CAN TURN INTO A BIRD AND FLY AROUND YOUR HEAD" JESUS SAYS "I BET YOU CAN'T" THE HOLY GHOST TURNS INTO A BIRD AND FLIES AROUND HIS HEAD. JESUS SAYS "OH YEAH WELL I CAN WALK ON WATER". HOLY GHOST SAYS"I BET YOU CAN'T" JESUS STARTS TO WALK BUT HE STARTS SINKING SO HE RUNS BACK. WHEN HE COMES BACK HE STARTS TO MEDITATE. HE STARTS TO WALK AGAIN AND AGAIN HE STARTS SINKING. WHEN HE GETS BACK TO THE BOAT THE HOLY GHOST SAYS" MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU GOT HOLES ON YOUR FEET".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chuck C.
A drunk guy is bellied up to the bar in his favorite beer joint when a prostitute walks in and starts playing him."C'mon honey, she says, for twenty dollars I'll do anything you want. The drunk turns to her and says, "For twenty dollars you'll do anything I want? "Paint my house, bitch."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ron Byrnes
I may not be Wilma Flinstone but I can make your bed rock.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andrew
An orange, an apple, and a penis were talking about how hard their lives are. The apple says "Man, I got it tough..Sometimes I get peeled, sometimes squeezed, and sometimes just eaten." The orange replies in disgust. He says " No way do you have it tough. The people sometime eat me, sometimes the peel my skin off, and sometimes the squeeze me." The Penis is astounded at how easy their lives are. So he begins "Guys, you both have it easier than me... The humans put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do pushups until I puke!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Timm Hillbert
A man and a woman get into an express elevator in a 100 floor high rise(there are no stops, just straight to the top). When the doors close the woman looks at the man and says "you have 100 floors to make me feel like a woman". So the man furiously tears his clothes off as fast as he can, throwing them into a pile in the corner, he's standing there butt ass naked and he points to the pile of clothes and says to the woman-- "IRON EM!!!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Big Bad Bonnette
What were Chelsea and Bill Clinton doing in the voting booth together? Bill was showing Chelsea how to screw the American People over!!!!
What do you call a Mexican Midget? A speck!!!!!!!!!!!
Doesn't Ross Perot look Radar 30 years older!!!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cliff
Yo mama is such a hoe she'e been slammed more times then a screen door in a hurricane!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rich
What does sex and bridge have in common? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By J.P.
A SOME WHAT STUDLY MAN WAS WALKING DOWN THE BEACH ONE DAY WHEN HE CAME UPON A HELPLESS QUADRAPALEGIC WHO WAS LOOKING RATHER BLUE. THE MAN APPROCHED HER AND ASKED HER WHAT WAS GETTING HER DOWN. THE QUAD REPLIED "I'VE NEVER BEEN KISSED BY A MAN BEFORE". THE MAN SAID "WELL I CAN TAKE CARE OF YOU THERE CUTIE". HE BEND'S OVER AND GIVES HER A BIG WET KISS. FEELING HE HAD DONE HIS JOB AND GOOD DEED FOR THE DAY HE LEAVES ONLY TO FIND THE SAME SAD SITUATION THE NEXT DAY. THE MAN APPROACHED HER ONCE AGAIN. "WHATS WRONG NOW, I THOUGHT I HAD TAKEN CARE OF YOU?" HE ASKED. SHE REPLIED "WELL YOU SEE THAT WAS NICE AND ALL BUT ..I'VE NEVER BEEN FUCKED BEFORE" ONCE AGAIN THE MAN OFFERS TO TAKE CARE OF HER. SO AROUND SUNSET HE WHEELES HER TO THE END OF A PIER. THERE WAS A BEAUTIFUL ORANGE GLOW OVER THE WATER, AND SHE'S GETTING VERY EXCITED. THE MAN TAKES HER INTO HIS ARMS, GAZES INTO HER EYES AND THROWS HER INTO THE WATER AND YELLS "NOW YOU'RE FUCKED"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Steff
There was a traveling salesman who was on his last "house-call" for the day. As he was walking down this rural farm road, he came across a isolated farmhouse. In the side yard he saw a man having sex with one of the farm animals, a sheep. Alarmed, he quickly went to the front door and rang the bell. A little boy answered, "Yes? How can I help you sir?" The salesman pointing behing him said, "I just wanted you to know that there is a man having sex with one of your sheep! Call the police!" The little boy looked around him and said, "Oh. That's just my daaaaaad."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sam
Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A:The longer you play with them, the harder the get.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By James Faggion
A man walks into the grocery store and tells the cashier "I need a box of condoms." What size? The cashier replys. "I don't know" said the man. So the cashier comes out around the register, and sticks her hand down his pants walks back around to the register, gets on the P.A. and says " I need a box of large condoms on aisle 3 please." A short time later another man goes to the same cashier. "I need a box of condoms please." What size? The cashier replys. "I don't know" says the man. So the cashier walks around to the man, sticks her hand down his pants, walks back around to the microphone and says, "I need a box of medium condoms on aisle 3. "A little while later a young man walked up to the same cashier and said, "I need a box of condoms." The cashier asked what size? The shy boy replyed, "I don't know. So once again the cashier walked around, stuck her hand down his pants, walked back around to the microphone and said, "I need clean up on aisle 3"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Zeman
There were 100 nuns and they were visited by 50 priests. One of the nuns was left alone with just one priest, while the other 99 nuns had a priest between two. The next morning, the mother superior calls all the nuns for assembly and she`s very angry. "I`m very disappointed", the mother superior said. "1 nun and 1 priest; last night; Were left alone; and these two; did something; B*A*D*;" 99 nuns go Oh my god! 1 nun goes hehehe! "and," contionued the mother superior, "I can find out who it is!" 99 nuns go Oh my god! 1 nun goes hehehe! "because," she continued, "I have evidence" 99 nuns go Oh my god! 1 nun goes hehehe! "This evidence; is a condom!" 99 nuns go Oh my god! 1 nun goes hehehe! "and, I can prove which one of you did it!" 99 nuns go Oh my god! 1 nun goes hehehe! "because.... This condom..... HAS A HOLE IN IT!" 99 nuns go hehehehe! 1 nun goes Oh my god!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Fourtee
A fly is hovering about 12 inches above the surface of a lake. A trout sees the fly and say's to himself, "If that fly would just drop 6 inches, I can jump out of the water, snatch him up, and have myself a nice lunch." A bear is crouched near a tree on the edge of the lake. He sees the fly and the trout and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just 6 inches, the trout will jump out of the water and I can dash in and grap him and have myself a nice lunch." A hunter is standing on the other side of the lake. He sees the fly, the trout, and the bear, and says to himself, "If that fly would drop 6 inches, the trout will jump out of the water, the bear will come running into the lake, and I can get a nice clean shot at him and have myself some nice bear meat for lunch." A mouse is hiding on the ground next to the hunter. He sees the fly, the trout, and the bear, and he sees a cheese sandwich dangling from the hunter's bag, and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just 6 inches, the trout will jump out of the water, the bear will rush into the lake, and this hunter will open fire, causing the sandwich to fall and giving me a heckuva nice lunch." A cat is lying nearby in the grass. He sees the fly, the trout, the bear the hunter, and the mouse, and says to himself, "If that fly would just drop 6 inches, the trout will jump out of the water, the bear will rush into the lake, the hunter will open fire, the sandwich will fall, the mouse will grab the sandwich, and I can sneak up on the mouse and have myself a nice lunch." Lo and behold, it happens. The fly drops 6 inches, the trout jumps out of the water, the bear rushes into the lake, the hunter opens fire, the sandwich falls, the mouse grabs the sandwich, and the cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls into the lake. What is the moral of the story? It takes a whole lot of foreplay to get a pussy wet.......

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BEN-DOVER
YOUR JOKES SUCK

Smile This Joke was Submitted By The Vinman
The reason I named my dick, Richard is because I have to call it something since it makes all my decissions, and Dick seems so short for something so powerful.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Miguel Stricklandich
What do you call a Miami Hurricane Football player in a suit? A Defendant!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason N.
Q:What did Bruce Lee say when he went to Burger King?
A:WAAAAAAPPPPPAAAAAAAA

Smile This Joke was Submitted By cummers
What do a toilet bowl and the Star ship Enterprise have in common?
A: They both circle Uranis searching for Cling-ons. ;-)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BRUCE COLE
Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline .If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional don't press anything because we already know what you would press.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Takashi N.
Your family is so ugly, your neighbors chipped-in to buy you curtains.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Hallet
How about you sitting on my face, and I will guess your weight and eat the diffrence!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Serena Davis
There was this guy on an airplane, and he had to go to the bathroom. So he told the lady that he had to go to the bathroom. The lady told him not to push the three buttons on the wall "he said OK." So he went to the bathroom and couldn't help it so he pushed the first button and it powdered his butt he thought these aren't that bad so he pushed the second one and it splashed his butt with water then he pushed the third one. The next thing he wakes up in a hospital. The nurse looks at him do you remember the last button you pushed he goes no. It was a automatic tampon remover, your dick is on the pillow beside you.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Stephanie
Why was the blondes belly-button sore?
Because her boyfriend was blonde, too!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Doug Peterson
Did you hear that McDonald's has purchased the Reunion Arena Complex in Dallas Tx.? They're going to rename it the McArena!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By catherine
Q: What do you call blond who colors her hair brunette?
A: artificial intelligence

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Vic
If at first you don't succeed, hit it with a bigger hammer.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tim Lane
Why is it that you can chop a tree down then chop it up and not end up back where you started?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joge T.
What do you call the bird of love? But of course . . . the swallow!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By None Of Your Business !!
Q: Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A:Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andrea
So, this Prostitute and a Koala get together and do a little somethin' somethin'. When they're finished, the Koala is getting ready to leave and starts walking out. But the prostitute is yelling after him, wait, you can't leave. And the prostitute says to the koala, you owe me money. And the koala says, I don't owe you any money. Yes you do, said the prostitute. So the prostitute pulled a dictionary off of the shelf and looked up the word prostitute. See, she said to the koala, it says right here, prostitute: solicits sex for money. Well look at this, said the koala. So the koala looked up the word koala and said, look, koala: eats bush and leaves.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By rick
What do you get when you put an elephant and a rhinoceros together? ELEPHINO!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Clare and Jerry
A Mexican is trying to cross the border and is stopped by the Border Patrol. the mexican stated that he was American and that he wanted to cross. the Border Patrol then told him to prove that he was American by making a sentence with the colors: green, pink, and yellow. The mexican responded by saying, "The phone went Green-green, so I Pinked it up and said YELLOW!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Pas Brisson
(Sorry if i make mistake but i m a french person)
A man and his wife are sitting in their house. Suddently the women says " Look by the window, it s a moose!!" The man answer " That's not a moose it's a cow and it's not a window it's a mirror".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By luke
A McDonald's manager walks into a bar with some dog's mess in his hand. He turned to the bar tender and said" Hay I nearly stood in this"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Luke
A McDonald's manager bought a lottery ticket and it turned out to be a winner. He contacted the lottery people and said "I have won £10 million pounds". "The problem is we are a bit short this week so we will give you £5 million now and £5 million next week". "No said the man I want it all now". "well sorry but that is the best we can do" said camelot. "well f*** you said the man I want my quid back"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Luke
A man walked in to a bar with a zebra and ordered a pint of beer for him and one for the horse. After an hour of drinking they were both pretty drunk and the man began to walk out. The bar man said to him "hay, you can't leave that lyin' ere". "That's not a lion mate it's a zebra"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gremlin
One day the CIA is having interviews for a job opening that they have. The first guy walks up and the man says "Sir, will you take this gun in back and shoot your wife." "There is no way I can do such a thing, her and I have been married for thirty years and I love her too much," the man replies. "Then you won't do, Next," the officer replies. "Sir, will you take this gun in back and shoot your wife to show us your loyalty to us." The man replies, "I haven't been married to her for very long, we are newlyweds, but there is still no way I can do that." "Next," the officer says. "Sir, we need you to take this gun in the back a shoot your wife to prove your loyalty to the CIA, will you do it?" "Why I certainly will." The man takes the gun in the back and the officer hears the gun shot. Next he hears a lot of wrestling and commotion. Doors banging, screams, glass breaking, etc. Five minutes later the man comes back out breathing hard, shirt ripped up and bleeding. "What in the hell happened in there, what was all that noise?" Responded the man, "That damn gun you gave was loaded with blanks, so I had choke her to death"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bill
What do you call a fat chinaman? A chunk.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rick Hanson
A boy and his grandfather are on a boat fishing... Grandpa decides to have a beer. The boy sees this and asks if he can have a beer as well. "Well, lad," starts the grandfather, "can your dick touch your asshole?" Of course the boy replies "No!" "Well," responds the old man, "I guess that's your answer. When the trip ended, the boy and his grandfather stop at a gas station. While there the grandpa decides to buy each of them a lottery ticket. The old man's is a loser, but the boy's is a $10,000 winner. "Well, are you going to split that money with me?" asks the grandfather. "I dun no," replies the boy, "can your dick touch your asshole?" "Of course," replies the grandfather. "Good," states the boy, "then you can go fuck yourself!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Justin
There were three men standing beside a building and a man with a stutter on the roof throwing bricks. He chucked one brick and said fffffffffalling brick! and the man at the bottom moved out of the way and gave the man with the stutter fifty bucks for saving his life. The bloke with a stutter chucked another brick and again called ffffffffffalling brick and the bloke at the bottom moved and gave the bloke with a stutter fifty bucks for saving his life. The bloke on the roof thought that it was alright making all this money so he chucked another brick. He called out fffffffffffuck, I killed him.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By David
What do you call two skunks in the 69 position?
Odor eaters.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Richar DeLeon
How do you tell a blind man from others at a nudist camp?
It isn't hard!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Christine Clark
This girl was sitting in a bar.A cute and sexy man walks up. He says "I`ll give you every thing you need." The girl says "Natasha, my wife can give me everything I need and a hole lot more!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Russ
Ed new his wife was terribly sick. He took her to the doctor. After a long examination, the doctor told Ed "I'm sorry, your wife is going to die soon. Unfortunately, I can't tell you exactly what she has. All I know is that it could be alzheimer decease or aids. Horrified, Ed said to the doctor "This is terrible! I can't believe that you don't know what is killing her. I need to know! The doctor thinks for a few minutes then says "Our medical tests can't determine what is wrong with her. My only suggestion would be this: Put her in the car, drive her about 10 miles out of town...If she finds her way back, don't fuck her!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Russ
An older man sits down at the bar. Next to him is a guy with multi-colored hair in spikes which stick straight up on his head. The older man looks at his neighbor. The guy with the spiked hair says "you're stairing at me. Do you have a problem with the way I look?" The old timer says "no, but I had sex with a peacock once and I thought you might me my son".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ann
Some gays decided to have an emotional party. Everyone had to come dressed as some sort of emotion. The party was going real well when there was a knock at the door.The first person was painted all red. "OOOH what are you", "I'm red with anger." "OHHH come on in " said the host. Not long after there was another knock at the door. There was another guest dressed in green."OOHHHH what are you" "I'm green with envy" "great come on in" said the host. Many hours later there is another ring at the door. There at the doorway is a large black man with a custard on the end of his dick. "OOOHHHH what are you" said the host. "I'm fucking discustard"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Renene'
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive: Please press 1 repeatedly
If you have multiple-personality disorder: Please press 2,3,4, and 5
If you are a schizophrenic: Listen for a little voice, it will tell you what to press.
If you are paranoid delusional: We know where you live and what you want, stay on the line so that we can trace your call.
If you are manic-depressional: It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Wayne Foy
A bloke walks into a bar, slips on some shit and cracks his head on a table. He then walks to the bar and gets a drink. Another bloke walks in, slips on the same shit, and cracks his head on the same table. The first bloke points to the shit and says," I did that!", and so the second bloke whacks him on the jaw!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Peter Atkinson
A little Jewish boy asks his dad for a dollar. He replies, "Fifty cents?, What dya want 10 cents for?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DSLS3090
A man walks into a bar and sees Jesus. "OH my god, That's the lord, bartender, get Him a drink." the bartender gave him a beer and Jesus bowed his head. Another man walks into the bar and sees Jesus. "OH my god that's the lord, get Him a drink" the bartender gave him a shot and Jesus bowed his head. A black man walks into the bar and sees Jesus "Good god That's the lord, get him a drink" the bartender gave him a shot and a beer and Jesus bowed his head. When Jesus finished the drinks he went over to the first man and touched his arm "MY, my arm;s been hurting for years, thank you." "Think nothing of it" He walked over to the second man and touched his back "I, Ive been paralyzed for years, thank you" "Think nothing of it." Finally, he walked over to the black guy and put out his arm. As he did this the black guy jumped back and screamed, "come on lord I'm on disability."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John.
What has 6 tits and 3 teeth?
The night shift at Waffle House.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Richard Pynn
This man walks into a bar, orders a drink and lights up a smoke.Then all of a sudden this little man jumps out of his pocket, puts out his smoke, and knocks over his drink. Well the man is right cool about this and orders another drink and then all of a sudden the little man jumps out of his pocket and knocks over his drink again.Well the bartender cant believe this and asks him why every time he orders a drink a little man jumps out of his pocket and knocks over his drink."Well" the man said, "its a long story, once I was out in the desert and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out,he granted me one wish". "Well what did you wish for?" asks the bartender. "A twelve inch prick," he replied.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By josh marty
A blonde walked in a bar at ten in the morning and said to the bartender "double shots tequila and keepem comin" she was there at ten at night then she went home and she came back in the morning the bartender asked if she was feeling o.k she said "No I was blowing chunks all night" The bartender said anybody would if they were as sick as you were. The blonde said "no my dogs name is chuncks"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bud Man
One night there was this cop sitting outside of this bar waiting for a drunk to try to drive home. Finally this guy stumbles out of the bar drunk as piss. The drunk walks up to 50 cars trying to get his keys to fit in one of them. Finally he finds his car and passes out in it. The bar was starting to close so one by one people started leaving the bar and driving home. Finally when everybody leaves the drunk wakes up and starts driving home. The cop finally got what he was waiting for and pulled the drunk over. The cop gave the drunk a breathilizer and it read 0.00 The cop was like how in the hell, I just saw you stumble out of the bar two hours ago. The drunk said that's easy I was the designated drunk decoy.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Roy August Bustillo/Philippines
Do you know why the lizard make a sound like "tsk.. tsk...tsk..." everytime his up in the ceiling? He thought to himself when he looks down..."man, this is to high"
Do you know why dogs usually raise their legs when they urinate? In ancient history, dogs urine is so powerful that everytime the pee, the wall falls down or the tree falls on them when hit by the strong fluid. So in order to escape the danger of being hit by the falling object, they raise their legs to support the object.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons ?" "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dave alker
what do they call female police in australia? dickless tracy's

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rich
Q: How do you fit four blondes on one chair?
A: Turn the chair over...

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Rotch
This man dreampt he went to hevan. Well he was standing there next to the peqrly gates when this beauutiful brunette walked by, and he looked up at St. Peter and said, "I would love to have some of that" and so St. Peter said, "go ahead". The man replied, "where" and St. Peter said, "take her over behind the cloud over there." So the man went back there, screwed her, and came back out. He standing there again and this beautiful blonde walked by and the man looked up at St. Peter and said, "I'd shure love some of that too" so St. Peter replied, "go ahead, take her behind the cloud over there." So the man walked back there, screwed her, and came back out. He was standing there again and this beautiful redhead walked by and the man said, "boy, I'd like some of that as well," so St. Peter replied, "go ahead, take her behind the cloud over there." So the man walked back there, screwed her, and came back out. Well this man was standing there for a while and looked up at St. Peter and said, "now I REALLY have to use the bathroom," so St. Peter told him, "just go behind the cloud." So the man walked back there and was there for a few minutes when he poked his head out and asked, "what do you use for toilet paper up here" and St. Peter told him, "just tear off some of that cloud," well, just then the man's wife woke him up saying, "wake up for god sakes wake up, you've screwed me three times, shit in the bed, and now your tearing up the sheets!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe
A blonde was suspicious about her husband having affairs. So she bought a pistol and went to her room. Sure enough, there was her husband with another blonde woman. She pointed the gun at her husband and he said, "Please honey, don't shoot!" Then she pointed the gun at herself and again her hubby begged not to shoot. "SHUT UP!" she said, "BECAUSE YOUR NEXT!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By nicole fernandes
Theres a blonde, a brunnete and a red head in a breaststroke competition.The brunnete came first,the red head second and the blonde third. After it was all over the blonde said I think the other two cheated by using their arms.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MR.CAP'N
Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY WHEN SHE SAW A BOX OF CHEERIOS?
A: DONUT SEEDS

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BEN ROZELL
Q: WHY DO BLONDES INSISTE ON GUYS WHERING CONDOMS .
A: SO THEY WILL HAVE A DOGGY BAG FOR LATER!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rafael
Q: What's the difference between a man and a blonde?
A: The blonde has more sperm!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jimmie brach
Q: WHATS A BLONDE'S IDEA OF SAFE SEX?
A: LOCKING THE CAR DOORS.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jimmie brach
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH A DOLLAR ON TOP OF HER HEAD?
A: ALL YOU CAN EAT UNDER A BUCK.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michael Kelly
Two New Guinea Natives Fred & Charlie:
Fred says "I hate your Mother in Law's guts.
Charlie says, "Just push them aside & eat your vegetables.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A professional treasure hunter was diving for pirate treasure in an ocean cove. He searched for hours with no luck.finally he started torward the shore. When he was about knee deep in the water he tripped over an old strong box. he scooped it out and opened it... It was full of gold coins!
The Moral of the Story: Booty is Only Shin Deep


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