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Kelly's Bar Jokes
7
Sent by Web Surfers


Smile This Joke was Submitted By Robert
Why did Bill linton lose his secretary? He forgot where he laid her last!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nickolus Wiebel
One day this bloke from Austrailia walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The bloke says "I'll take a scotch, the ostrich says "I'll take the same, the the cat says "I want rum but I'm not fuckin payin". The bartender comes up and says "that will be 2 pounds sir" The bloke reaches in his pocket and pulls out exactly 2 pounds. They drink their drinks and go home. The next night they come back to the bar, they order the same thing and the cat says "I want brandy, but I'm not fuckin payin. The bartender comes and says that will be 2 1\2 pounds. The bloke reaches in his pocket and pulls out exactly 2 1\2 pounds. They drink and return home. This happens about 5 nights in a row. Finally one night the bartender asks the bloke, "how do you always pull out exactly the right amount of money?" Well he says, I met a genie and made a wish that whenever I needed to pay for something, I would just reach in to my pocket and pull out the exact amount of money. Oh says the bartender how about the ostrich and the cat? Well he says, that was the worst wish I ever made. For my second wish I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nickolus Wiebel
what did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a blow job!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Little Bit & Me
Your Momma's like a bus, 25cents and she's ready to ride.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh
Your MAMMA is so fat her belt is as big as the equator

Smile This Joke was Submitted By PAUL
YO MOMMAS SO FAT SHE GET'S STUCK IN HER DREAMS!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By paul
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A CHICKEN THAT CROSSES THE ROAD TWICE AND FALLS IN A PILE OF MUD! A: A DIRTY DOUBLE CROSSER

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gat Weiss
Hi, There is this really good joke, but I must save all the credit for: http://www.todaysjokes.com since I read it there: A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By David
Yo momma's so fat and so old that when she sat down the impact killed the dinosaurs.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ryon
A guy in a truck drives up to the farmers house to buy some corn, he sees's a dog standing by the farmer and says, "Does your dog bite?" The farmer says nope when the guy gets out the dog starts ripping the guy to shreds and the guy said, "I thought you said that your dog don't bite," The farmer says, "Thats not my dog."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Heather Mcgee
There were these three guys one was black one was chinese the other was white and they're in hell and the devil tells them you put your penis into my hand and if it melts you have to stay here but if it dosen't you get to heaven, so the white man went up first his melted next went the chineese man his melted too but when the black guy went up his didn't melt so the devil asked him why and the black man said, "chocloate melts in your mouth not in your hand."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Piper
The little rascals were in school and their class was having a spelling bee...Buckwheat and spanky were the only ones standing...the teacher said to spanky..."spell the word correctly and and use it in a sentence. The word is dictate..."Spanky takes his turn..."Dictate...D-I-C-K-T-E-T-E.." "No spanky...Im sorry thats wrong...sit down.." "Buckwheat if you can spell the word correctly and use it in a sentence...You win this weeks bee.." "Dictate...D-I-C-T-A-T-E...".."very good buckwheat now use it in a sentence"..."Hey Darla, How'd my Dic-tate last night?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Danielle
What did the 0 say to the 8? Where did you get that lovely belt.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By fresh
There was a girl who was getting married, the girl said, before we get married I want to tell you that I'm flat chested, the guy said oh thats ok I still love ya.The guy said before we get married I have to tell you that I'm just like a baby. The girl said that's alright, I still love you. So they get married and the girl takes off her shirt and said see I told you I'm flat chested, then the guy said that's alright. Next the guy took off his pants and said see I'm just like a baby, eight pounds twenty-one inches long.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By =ReEsEs BuTtErCuP=
Your mama's so ugly that when she tried out for an ugly contest, they said "sorry, no professionals"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike R.
Why did the Italian boy run away from home? He didn't like the way he was being reared.
Why did he go back? He couldn't stand to leave his little brothers behind.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike R.
What did the dry cleaner find when he was cleaning Monica Lewinsky's dress? A wad of Bill's.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike R.
Why do they call camels ships of the desert? Because they're full of Arab semen.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike R.
A man and his wife were married for fifty years. Ever since they got married he kept a locked safe in the bedroom closet. When he went to work every day he made his wife promise she would never look inside the safe. After fifty years one day she couldn't resist and one day she found the key in its hiding place and opened the safe. Inside she found three empty beer cans and a thousand dollars. When the husband came home she said "I'm sorry, I couldn't help it, I looked inside your safe. But why do you keep empty beer cans there?" The husband told her "Every time I have been unfaithful to you, I have a beer, and put the empty can inside the safe as a reminder". The wife says, "Well I guess that's O.K. if you only fooled around three times in our fifty year marriage. But why is there a thousand dollars in the safe?" The husband replies "Every time I got a dozen empties I turned them in for the refund".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike R.
What does a girl from Surrey have in common with a bowling ball? They both get picked up, fingered, and thrown in the gutter.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By corey
Q:What did the elephant say to the naked man? A:How do you drink out of that thing

Smile This Joke was Submitted By SEAN
YOUR MAMMAS SO BALD WHEN SHE PUTS ON A TURTLENECK SHE LOOKS LIKE A BUSTED CONDOM

Smile This Joke was Submitted By WILLY
YOUNG BILL CLINTON AT SCHOOL WAS ASKED THE FOLLOWING QUESTION BY HIS TEACHER: "IF THERE ARE THREE CROWS SITTING ON A FENCE AND YOU SHOOT ONE OF THEM, HOW MANY ARE LEFT?" BILL REPLIES: "NONE MISS." SHE SAID: "THAT IS NOT CORRECT BILLY, THERE ARE TWO LEFT." BILL SAYS: "NO MISS, THERE ARE NONE LEFT BECAUSE WHEN I FIRED THE GUN THE OTHERS FLEW AWAY!" "NO, NO, BILLY" SAID THE TEACHER "THERE ARE STILL TWO CROWS LEFT -- BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING." BILL THEN SAID TO HIS TEACHER:"MISS, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?" "SURE, BILLY" SHE REPLIED. BILL THEN ASKED: "IF THERE ARE THREE WOMEN EATING ICE CREAM, AND ONE IS LICKING THE ICE CREAM, ONE IS SUCKING THE ICE CREAM AND ONE IS BITING THE ICE CREAM. WHICH ONE IS MARRIED?" HIS TEACHER THOUGHT FOR A WHILE AND THEN SAID:"I DON'T REALLY KNOW, BILLY, BUT I SUPPOSE IT IS THE ONE SUCKING THE ICE CREAM." "OH NO, MISS" SAID BILLY" IT'S THE ONE WITH THE WEDDING RING -- BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anna
Your mamas soo FAT...her boyfriend slapped her ass and was ridding the waves!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By joel
yo mama so fat she step on a scale it said to be contiuned.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anna
Your mamas soo FAT...she has to use a boomerang to help put on her belt!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anna
Your mamas soo FAT....after having sex..her boyfriend rolled over twice and was still ontop of her!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Daniel
I used to think the brain was the most interesting part of the body. But then I thought, "Hey, look what's telling me that."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By big cory
Have you heard about the guy who put the condom on backwards? He went.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By big cory
A stoner called the fire department and said " Come quick my house is on fire!" The fireman asked "How do you get there?" The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shannon Saltzman
a flea is walking down the beach and it kicks a can and a genie comes out and says I will grant you three wishes to live were ever you want and the flea says he wants to live in lassies collar and so he lives there for 2 weeks and is walking back down the beach and kicks the can and the genie says what happened and the flea says he almost died of so many baths and now the flea says he wants to live in steven spieldbergs beard and so he lives there for 2 weeks and comes back and kicks the can and the genie pops out and says what happened and the flea says to much cigar smoke almost killed me and then the flea says he wants to live in madonnas pussy so he lives there for 2 weeks and comes back and kicks the can and the genie says I cant grant you anymore wishes but what happened to madonna and the flea says one night I was sleeping with madonna and the next night I was right back in spielbergs berd

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ricker & Justin
This lady puts an ad in the local paper asking for a man who will not: beat her, walk out on her, and is good in bed. Two weeks go by, and she finally gets a response to her ad. This man rings her doorbell, when she answers, she sees a man with no arms and no legs! She says, "what makes you qualified for my needs?" He says "I can't beat you, cause' I don't have any arms. I can't walk out on you, cause' I don't have any legs." She asks, "Well, are you good in bed?" And he responds, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Justin
Once a king said that anyone who could spend the night with his daughter could merry her. But just to make sure, he stuck razors in her pussy. That morning, the king got up to see how the first guy did, "Pull down your pants!", the king said, he did and his dick fell off, he was decapitated. The next morning, the king went to her room and stood in front of the second guy, "Pull down your pants!", dick fell off, he too was be-headed. The third and final guy slept there that night, and in the morning the king went to her room. "So, did you have sex with my daughter?", he shook his head. "Pull down your pants!", pulled them down, his dick diden't fall off. "Okay," said the king, "You can marry my daughter". The king knoded his head and as soon as he left, he turned around and his tung fell out.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By justin McCauley
Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7? A: Cause' seven ate nine.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By lisa
god gave men a brain and a penis pity he didn't give them enough blood to use them both at the same time!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Greg Nutter
Q:How do you fit 5 cubans in a cigar box? A: Tell them it floats!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By daniel
Q. What do you do with 365 condoms. A. Melt them up and call it a goodyear.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anna Nielsen
One day a wife says to her husband, " You have to fix the refrigorater door today." The husband replied, " Does it look like I have a hardware hank sign on my head?" The husband went to work and when he came back the refrigerator door was fixed. He asked, " How did that get fixed?" She replied, " I was sitting on the steps crying after you left and a man said he would fix it if I would bake him a cake or screw him." He said, " Well what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, " Does it look like I have a Betty Crocker sign on my head?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Courtney Wenzel
How did the blonde brake here leg raking leafs? She fell out of the tree.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By April
A women went to a B.B King concert.Since she was such a big fan, she decided to get his initials tatooted on her butt afterwards. So she did, and then went home and showed her husband. "What do you think of it?" she asked. "Thats fine', he said,' but who in the hell is Bob?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jessica Freeman
Q.What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? A.Choked.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chubbs peterson
Q:why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet? A:It doesn't need cleaning.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Adam Montgomery
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?? Fur traders!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chrissy W
Q. Have you heard of the new lesbian disease?
A. It's called "Strapadicktome!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Luke Smith
Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb. A. Two, But I don't know how they got in there.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Babs Bunny
what's the difference between a white women and a black one?
A: White women end up in playboy and the black women end up in national geographic.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By javi mercado
This lady got into an accident and she lost her left arm and her left leg but now she's alright!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By javi mercado
Your momma's so stupid she triped over a cordless phone!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kent J
Yo mama`s so fat she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Laurens boy
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dennis
There are two hobos walking down the train tracks and one says to the other I smell shit, did you shit and the guy says nope. So they walk down the tracks about a mile and he asks him again did you shit and he says nope. So they go a little further and the guy says thats it I smell shit bend over and he pulls down his pants and there lies a pile of shit and he says I thought you didn't shit and the guy says ohh I thought you were talking about today.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave
A man walks into a lounge with an octopus. The lounge has a stage with equipment for an orchestra which will be playing that night. The man approaches the bar and the bartender says," Whoa, what have you got there?" The man says,"I will bet you 50 dollars that my octopus can play any instrument on the stage. The bartender says okay let's see him play the piano. The octopus plays flawless Brahms, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky. Okay, says the bartender, let's see him play drums. The octopus takes a drumstick in each tentacle and plays like Buddy Rich, Gene Krupa and Ginger Baker all at once. Then, the bartender disappears into the back room and emerges with a set of bagpipes, which he throws onto the floor. The octopus leaps onto the bagpipes and rolls around on the floor. AHAH!!Says the bartender, he can't play those!! "Give him a second," says the man, "When he figures out he can't screw it, he'll play it!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paul Shadywood
Q: Why do we have our butt cracks vertical instead of horizontal? A: So when we go down a slide we don't go BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Seymour Horn
Two pediofiles on a beach the first says to the second:"Hey, get out of my son"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim
The Creation of a Pussy Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, smart with wit, using a knife he gave it a slit. Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole. Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within. Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher whose name was Mc Gee, punched it and blessed it and said it could pee. Last came a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim
HOW TO KILL AN EEL Little Johnny was seven years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon, both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever, because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick. . . a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put of a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing, and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired form the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And, by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats. . . they have nine lives or something. this time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about thirty-five minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet." Mother fainted.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim
A Dog Named Sex Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I want a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay you bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem." One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal any more." When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said that's not unusual. Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes by Friday.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By CHRIS
There are two stupid men walking, says one to the other: Can I walk in the middle!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
Q:Do you know the difference between a cocksucker and a corned beef sandwich? Statement:No A:Good.Come over tomorrow for lunch.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
Three nuns were walking along the street and one was describing with her hands the tremendous grapefruit she'd seen in Florida. The second one, also with her hands, described the huge bananas she'd seen in Jamaica. The third nun, a little deaf, asked, "Father who?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
The little boy was sitting on the curb crying and an old man who was passing by came over to him. "What's the matter, little boy?" he asked. "Why are you crying?" The little boy said, "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys do." The old man sat down on the curb and cried too.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
IT WAS HIS WEDDING NIGHT AND THE MINISTER FINISHED UNDRESSING IN THE BATHROOM AND WALKED INTO THE BEDROOM. HE WAS SURPRISED TO SEE THAT HIS BRIDE HAD ALREADY SLIPPED BETWEEN THE BED SHEETS. "MY DEAR," HE SAID, "I THOUGHT I WOULD FIND YOU ON YOUR KNEES." SHE SAID, "WELL, HONEY, I CAN DO IT THAT WAY TOO, BUT IT GIVES ME THE HICCOUGHS."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. A twelve-year-old said,"I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped,"What-did-you-say-?" The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute." "A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
Your mama is like a pepsi machine. Pop a quarter in and out comes a new generation.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
The judge came home and found his wife in bed with his very best friend. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?" "See," the wife said to the man beside her,"I told you he was stupid."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris King
yo mommas like a vaccum cleaner, she sucks, blows, and gets laid in the closet

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
Then there is the story of the eighty-year-old Italian roue who called on his doctor. "Professore, I would like you to examine me. To see if I am sexually fit." "Very well, let me see your sex organs, please." The aged patient replied, "Eccoli," and struck out his index finger and his tongue.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
A farmer sent his fifteen-year-old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck. "See if you can get a girl in exchange for this," he said. The lad met a prostitute and said, "It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck? Would you be willing to-? "Sure," she said. "I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck." Afterwards, she said, "Do you know, for a fifteen-year-old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck." "Sure," said the boy. When his pleasurable work was through, he started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2. When he got home, his father asked, "How did you make out?" The son said: "I got a f*** a duck, a duck for a f***, and two dollars for a f***ed-up duck."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
One morning recently A young woman Got out of bed Slipped into her robe Raised the shade Uncovered the parrot Put on the coffee pot Answered the phone And heard a masculine voice say: "Hello, honey. My ship just hit port And I'm coming right over." So the young lady Took the coffee pot off the stove Covered the parrot Pulled down the shade Took off her robe Got into bed and heard the parrot mumble, "Kee-rist, what a short day that was!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mr.ass
your momas so fat she uses a pillow as a tampon

Smile This Joke was Submitted By KIYLER
There was a woman who wanted sex from her husband, and he couldn't perform. So she went to the Dr. and explained the problem to him. He gave her a bottle of pills that would do the trick. When she got home she put two pills in her husbands drink. That night they had sex. The next morning she called the Dr. and told him what happened. She asked him what she could do to make the sex better. He told her to put three pills in his drink instead of two. SO she realy wanted great sex so she put the whole bottle in his coffee. The next morning the Dr. called and the little boy answered the phone. The Dr. asked where mommy was, and the little boy said, my mommy is dead, my sister is crying, my butt whole hurts, and my daddy is chasing the cat saying "here pussy, pussy, pussy!!!!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dingo
why did the clinton's name their dog buddy? because it would be weird hearing cum spot cum spot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jeremy loper
Bill Clinton plays the saxaphone. He also plays another instrument. Do you know what it is? Whoremonica

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kelli
Monica Lewinski goes into the dry cleaners and tells the employee that she needs her dress cleaned, the employee who was a little hard of hearing replied, "Come Again."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Leann
A chicken walked into a book store, jumped up on the counter and said BOAK. The lady gave him a book he jumped down and walked off. About an hour later the chicken came back, jumped up on the counter and said BOAK. The lady thought it was kind a strange, but she gave him a book and decided to fallow him. The chicken walked down to the pond, and gave the book to a frog and he said READIT.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Daniel Bloomfield
Q. What have a gynacoligist and a Pizza delivery guy got in common? A. They can both smell it but can't eat it!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kat
Your mama is so fat that little kids kept asking her to sit on the rainbow so they could have skittles. hahaha

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
Your mama is so fat she uses the 91 freeway as a slip and slide.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
Your mama is so fat that when she wants to take a bath she has to use the Pacific Ocean.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Clint
What did the fish say when he bumped his head on the concrete? ----- Dam!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By joel
A DUCK WALKS INTO A BAR AND ASKES THE BARTENDER IF HE HAS ANY GRAPES. THE BARTENDER SAYS NO. THE NEXT DAY THE DUCK COMES IN AND ASKES "GOT ANY GRAPES?" "NOPE." SAYS THE BARTENDER. THE NEXT DAY THE DUCK DOES IT AGAIN AND THE BARTENDER SAYS "IF YOU COME IN HERE AGAIN AND ASK ME IF I GOT ANY GRAPES I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR." THE NEXT DAY THE DUCK COMES IN AND SAYS "GOT ANY NAILS?" "NOPE." "GOOD, GOT ANY GRAPES."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By White Wolf
Yo Mama is so dumb, she stole FREE bread.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mrs. X
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'11 be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "How does that feel?" she asked. "It feels great." he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nicole
WOMENS LIB MOTTO A Young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it." "I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "that's right, and that's the way it's to be until your goddamn attitude changes!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mrs. X
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray. "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the synagogue... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE. BUY A TICKET!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Qgrinder
Hear about the pollock who locked the keys in his car?
It took him three hours to get his family out.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
A hot-looking, sexy blonde in high heels and a tight mini-skirt goes to the repair shop to pick-up her car after it was fixed. The only person around is the mechanic who is working on a creeper underneath a car. She walks up to where he is and she asks if he can help her. He replies, "What do you want?" She says, "I have a black Peugeot." He says, from down on his creeper looking up, "I can see that. What do you want?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
A big, handsome Polock boy was working as a bag boy at the local supermarket. He was carrying out some groceries for a hot, middle-aged divorcee. She eyed him up and down as they got to the parking lot and she remarked suggestively, "I've got an itchy pussy!" He looked a bit bewildered and replied, "Geez, lady, you'll have to point it out. I can't tell them foriegn cars apart!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JORDAN BACKO
COVER YOUR SCHLONG, THEN YOU'LL GO ALL NIGHT LONG.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tony
A small child walks up to his father who is busy in the study. The kid tugs at his father's trouser leg and his dad looks down to his sweet child. "Yes son, what can I do for you ?" the father asks. "Daddy," repliues his son in an angelic voice, "where do babies come from." The father laughs to himself and picks up his son and puts him onto his lap. "Son, the stork delivers babies to all the mummies who want one." Satisfied, the child leaves. Ten minutes later he returns looking puzzled. Again, his father picks up his son an plants him on his knee. "Yes son, do you have another question?". The boy turns to his father and says "yes daddy, just one more. Who fucks the stork?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ducks
What do you call 6 naked men standing on each others shoulders? .........A scrotum pole!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike
Two ole gesers talkin. Hey how is yur wife? I dunno says the other old geaser. I think she is dead. Dead? the other replies. What makes you think that? Well the sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By James Clothier
What is the diffrence between beer nuts, and deer nuts ?
Beer nuts are $3.97 and deer nuts are under a buck ! ! !

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TGS
What did the elephant say to the naked man? Hey how do you breathe out that thing?....

Smile This Joke was Submitted By RYAN WARD
AN AGNOSTIC PERSON WHO IS DYSLEXIC "IS THERE A DOG?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Evan
What do you call a vegetarian with diarhea?
Salad Shooter!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Evan
What does a one legged man do when on acid? - - Trip

Smile This Joke was Submitted By stash
Two hillbillies walk into a bar smiling,and the bartender asks, "Why are you so happy". The 1st one said "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 weeks." The bartender asks, "What is so great about that." The 2nd hillbillie says "On the box it said 1-2 years."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Crash Overdrive
Q. What is the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A. A prostitute can always wash her crack and sell it again!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By LordIcon
An indian walks into a whore house and says, "Me want to fuckem you squaw." The inkeeper says do you have any money and the indian says no. The innkeeper tells him to come back when he has money. The next day the indian comes in and says "Me wanna fuckem your squaw." and the guy says do you have experience and the indian says no so the innkeeper says, "Come back when you get experience." The next day the indian says, "Me wanna to fuckem your squaw." and the innkeeper says, "Do you have experience?" The indian says, "Yes." So the guy tells him to take the first door on the right. About five minutes later the innkeeper hears the lady screamin her head off so the innkeeper runs up the stairs and opens the door to find the indian shoving a broom stick up the lady's hole. The innkeeper asks the indian, "What do you think your doing?" The indian says, "ME CHECK-UM FOR BEES!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ZeroCool
A man turned a 100 years old today. He looked down and said hands, your a 100 years old today. Then he looked down and said legs, your a 100 years old today. He then looked down and said penis, if you had not died on me you would of have been a 100 years old today.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ZeroCool
Your mamma's so loose that the last time I was going down on her I looked inside and saw a man smoking a cigarrette!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Robyn
How do you confuse a blonde? Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
A pansy goes into a butcher shop and asks the butcher, "May I thee the thauthages?" (sausages) The butcher shows him some hot dogs and the pansy says, "Have you anything bigger?" The butcher shows him a tray of kielbasa and the pansy says, "Have you got anything bigger than that?" The butcher pulls out a large thuringer and the pansy says, "I'll take that one." The butcher asks, "Would you like it sliced?" and the pansy says, "What, you think I got an ath like a piggy bank?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
If a male stork brings boy babies and a female stork brings girl babies, what kind of a bird brings No babies?? A Swallow!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nicole Raikhy
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By THE JOKER
ME AND MY FRIEND CHRISTOPER HOWES WERE ON HOLIDAY TO SPAIN HE SAID TO ME HOW CAN I GET A GIRLFRIEND I SAID PUT AN APPLE DOWN YOU NIKERS SO HE DID THAT THE NEXT DAY HE CAME BACK AND SAID IT DID NOT WORK I SAID TRY PUTING IT DOWN THE FRONT.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Zeljko
Q:How can one knew the very moment when you enter Switzerland?
A:When cows starts looking nicer than girls!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Earl
Two sperm had been released and began swimming frantically. They were putting all they had into their swimming - they were going "90 to nothing." Finally after a long time, one turned to the other and asked, "How much farther to the uterus?" The other answered, "We've got a long way to go Buddy, we haven't even passed the larynx yet!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Beari
If you through your cat out the window, does it become "Kitty Litter"?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By allen welch
A guy from Texas moves to Alaska and he goes to the only bar in town. The bartender told "Tex" he could not drink there because he was not an Eskimo, but there is a way to become an Eskimo. What is it, inquired Tex. Well first you have to drink a gallon of red eye whiskey in one drink, then you must wrestle a polar bear, then you must rape an Eskimo woman. No problem exclaims Tex. He picks up the gallon jug and downs the whiskey. He spits and curses, kicks the door and away he goes. Days go by and no word from Tex, suddenly the door bolts open and in staggers Tex all cut up and bleeding. Now where is the Eskimo woman I was supposed to wrestle?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mr. X
How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Steve
There was a nun with a rash on her chest. She goes to the Dr. who says" It's nothing to worry about Sister ,BUT you will have to wear medicine on them & go topless for a day". The nun says "No Problem, I'll just stay in my room at the convent for a day." She goes back to her room strips down & puts her medicine on. A few minutes later there's a knock at the door. One of the other nuns says" Sister there's a blind man here to see you." The topless nun thinks about it & says " no problem, let him in". The BLIND MAN enters & says" Hello sister, Nice tits you have there, now where do you want these blinds hung?!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
How do you circumsize a hill-billy? Kick his sister in the jaw!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John
A guy with a dog walks into a bar and the bartender tells them they have to leave. The guy argues and says the dog wants to see the Jets play. The bartender finally agrees to let him stay. When the Jets kick a fieldgaol the dog runs around the bar and jumps over the pool table. The bartender asks what the dog does when they score a touchdown and the guy responds I've only had the dog 3 years.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Henderson
What do you call a blond with 2 brain cells? - - Pregnant!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dan
Q. What do you call a 500 pound woman sitting at a bar with a female condom in her pocket?
A. A quarter-ton pickup with a box liner.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By KASHMIR
What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey???
Well,,, most of the time you just get an onion with long ears.... But, every once in a while, you get a piece of ass that just brings tears to your eyes.......!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By KASHMIR
Two sperm are swimming madly along when one sperm says to the other "Man this swimming is wearing me out." To which the other replies "Me too, Do you think we are close to the uterus yet?" The first sperm answers back with, "No we've got a long way to go. We're not even through the esophagus." !!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gene
Yo Momma is like potato chips......fri-to lay

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kylon
Your mama so dumb.......at the football game she thought a quarterback was a refund.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nashe
This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen I have three girls coming over tonight. I never had three girls at once before, I need something to keep me potent." So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box with an "X" and says, "Here, if you eat this you'll go nuts for twelve hours." The guy says, "Gimme 3 boxes." Next day, same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's dick is black and blue, the skin's hanging off in places. The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Absorbine Jr." To which the pharmacist replies, "Absorbine Jr.? You're not going to put Absorbine Jr. on that are you?" The guy says, "No... it's for my arm, the girls didn't show up."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ann in California
What's a logical hippie??
A Harry Reasoner.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erick Pitchford
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's pretty neat. Where did you get him?" Parrot says Africa, there's thousands of them!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mark
A mushroom walks into a bar and says hey bartender give me a beer. The bartender says "Sorry we dont serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not, I'm a fungi."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim Mercer
A man sits down at the bar and sees a sign,"WIN $1,000,000.- ASK BARTENDER FOR DETAILS." So he asks the bartender how to win. The bartender tells him he must do three things, "First you must knock out my bouncer, then pull the infected tooth on my pet gorrilla!" "And one last thing, my grandmother is having her 97th birthday tomorrow and she hasn't had a man in many years. Do grandma, then you win the money!" "Your Crazy", replied the man. After hours of thinking and drinking he looked at the sign again and called to the bartender "OK I'M GONNA DO IT." The man staggered away tward the restroom, turns and coldcocks the bouncer, then heads into the backroom to the gorrilla. You could here growling and screaming, blood and fur flying. After 20 minutes or so the man emerges from the back room bloodied and torn. "OK" he said, "Where's the grandma with the bad tooth!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By SCRODES
THERES 3 ANTS, 1 ANT SLEEPS BETWEEN HER TITS, 1 SLEEPS IN HER NAVAL AND 1 SLEEPS IN HER PUSSY. THE ONE BETWEEN THE TITS SAYS I HAD A GREAT NITE BUT SOMETHING KEPT SMASHING ME. THE ONE IN THE NAVAL SAYS I ALSO HAD A GREAT NITE BUT SOMETHING KEPT SMASHING ME TO. THE ONE IN THE PUSSY SAID I HAD A HORRIBLE NITE BECAUSE A LITTLE BALD MAN KEPT CUMMING IN AND SPITTING ON ME.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By annonymos
What do you call a vegetarian w/ diariaha?
A salad shooter?

Why doesn't santa have any children?
He only comes once a year.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Brooks
Your mama got a new job. Yeah, I saw her on the corner selling potato chips. She was shouting "Lays, lays..."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jeff lynn
Two dogs were sitting in the dog pound and they started talking to each other. The one dog inquired, "What are you in for?" The other answered, My owner is a single guy, he went out last night and never came home, so I got a little jealous and chewed up his new leather sofa, now I am here to be put to sleep. What about you?" My owner is a good looking blonde, and she allways walks around the house naked. Well, yesterday, I was walking past the bathroom and I saw her bent over, drawning a tub of water. Well, I am a dog and I do have my needs, so I jumped on her back and took care of business. WOW, said the other dog, I bet that they are going to put you to sleep before they do me!! No, replied the other, I am just here to get my nails done!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dennis
A guy walks into the bar and tells the bartender to give him a beer. he slams that one and says bartender give me two more. He slams them and says hell just line some up and starts slamming them and the bartender says man I have never seen anybody drink like that. The man says that's because they don't have what I have. The bartender asked what's that? He replied oh about thirty five cents.....

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ellis
Q : Whats the difference between a man and a woman
A : A woman KNOWS when she`s getting some...

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kron
You might be a redneck, if you go to a family reunion to meet chicks.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shad Chandler
Three young boys were sitting on the curb across from a busy nightclub. Up drove a very fancy 4 wheel drive pickup and the first boy said, " When I grow up, I'll plant 500 Acres of Wheat and when I sell it I'll own a truck like that." After a few minutes a well dressed man drove up on a brand new Harley and the second boy blurted, " When I grow up I will have lots of cotton, at least 1,000 Acres, and I'll retire early and ride a hog like that." The boys sat there a while longer and a pretty young lady drove up in a Porsche and went inside. The third boy said " You guys can have all the cotton and wheat you want, I'm just going to grow a small path of hair." Why would you do that" the other boys asked. " Because my sister has a patch this big ( Holding his thumbs and forefingers together," and thats her Porsche!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shad Chandler
What does the "N" represent on the Universtity of Nebraska Football team's helmet?
Knowledge

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
A guy has been making out with his girl and in agony he says to her, "Honey, you gotta understand that 'BLOW' is just a figure of speech!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
The most dangerous things in the world: A black guy with a knife, a Irishman with a bottle of whisky, a Polack with an idea and a queer with a chipped front tooth!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By chad blankenship
There's a priest, a social worker, and a lawyer on a sinking ship. The ship has a group of 7th graders on a french field trip. The ship starts to go down fast, so the social worker speaks up and says, "save the kids". the lawyer then speaks up and says, "screw those kids". Then the priest says to the lawyer,"do you think we have time for that?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Brad Vander Meeden
Q. What's the difference between a faggot and a refrigerator?
A. The refrigerator doesn't fart when you whip out the meat!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alyson Pearsall
There was a man who was very ashamed of his incredibly small penis. He never had the courage to show it to his girlfriend. One night he took his girlfriend into a dark corner. After making out heavily, he stuck his penis in her hand. She said, "Sorry I don't smoke."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BRENT TACKETT
A man hurries into a bar and says, "Bartender, I need a shot of whiskey. Hurry! The bartender pours him a shot, and he downs it immediately . "Quick bartender, give me another!" The bartender pours another. Again it is quickly downed. "Please bartender, I need another one on the double!!", he cried. The bartender poured his shot, then asked, "Whats the matter pal? Why are you drinking so fast?" The man replied, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got." "Whats that?" asked the bartender. The man then said, "Fifty cents".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt
What does O.J. and Graeme James have in common?
They both ride Broncos.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cornflake
The teacher asks the class to use the words pink green, and yellow in a sentence. Katie raises her hand and says,"I have a pink dress, live in a yellow house, and green grass in front of it." Jose raises his hand and says,"The phone goes green green, I pink it up and say yello."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By THE JOKER
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MAN THAT COULD NOT SPELL ? HE SPENT THE NIGHT IN A WAREHOUSE.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By THE JOKER
What is the height of suspicion ? Two nuns in a condom factory saying they are making sleeping bags for worms.
What is the second height of suspition ? Two nuns in a cucumber field.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jokester
Theres a priest on a bus with a nunn and he is incredibly attracted to her so he says." Hey, I really like you how about we go back to my place for a drink and maybe a little hanky panky huh" The nunn replied. "Im sorry, Ive sworn my good word to the lord." The nunn gets off and the priest does to 3 stops later. as the priest steps off the bus driver says." Hey you,I know how to get that nunn lady to give you some nookie." The priest asks."How?" "well youve gotta dress up as god and say, I am god do what I say or I will forbid you from heaven" Said the bus driver. So the priest did what he said and next sunday after mass the priest said "I am god do what I say" to the nunn. She immeaditely dropped down and gave him head for hours and hours. Hours later she bent over and said" it's that time of the month anl sex is your only option. when they were done sleeping a pleasurefull night of love off the priest turned to the nunn and said " you're so stupid Im the priest" The nunn returned that with " youre just as stupid, Im the busdriver."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By grtey
A guy is walking down the street and a hooker approaches him.She says"How about a blow job for 20 bucks?" The man replies."no way, my wife does it for 10."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike
A guy is having trouble with piles and visits the Doc who after an examination proscribes a course of suppositories. Having never seen these before the guy takes them twice a day with water. After two weeks he calls the doctor on the phone in an angry mood, "These pills are useless, for all the good there doing I may as well have stuffed them up my ass."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff
Have you ever wondered why dogs sniff each others asses when they meet? I'll tell you why. The Doggies had a meeting, they came from near and far. Some by motorcycle, some by motorcar. As they entered into the hallway and signed into the book, Each dog unzipped his asshole and 'hung it on a 'hook. One doggie not invited, and madly filled with ire, jumped into the meeting place and LOUDLY bellowed "FIRE" And in the great confusion, without another look, each doggie grabbed an asshole from off another's hook. And that's the reason why, whenever doggies meet, and that's the reason why when passing on the street, and that's the reason why whenever they're alone.. Each doggie sniffs the others ass-- to see if it's their own!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff
This is the story of corkscrew dick-
Born in this world with a corkscrew prick.
At last he found a maiden fair,
whose box was like a lighthouse stair.
But when he laid her on the bed,
he found she'd been bored with a left handed thread.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jeff
There once was a man from Peru
Who fell asleep lying in his canoe.
While dreaming of Venus, he took out his penis
and awoke with a handfull of goo.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff
Q: Why did the Lumberjack stop???
A: To let the LumberJack off !!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By e.l.
There's a kid playing in the living room with his new train set he got for christmas. When his mom over heard him saying "All you son's a bitches, getting on the train, do so at this time." The mother said, "We do not use that kind of language in this house. Now you go up to your room for an hour and think about what you said." One hour went by and he was playing with his train set again, and he said "Ladies and gentlemen boarding the train, please do so at this time. Those of you that are pissed off for the one hour delay, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
Joey walks into the bathroom and catches his Dad just about ready to strip off a rubber and flush it. "Whaddaya doin' Dad?" he asks. The old man turns his back and sez, "I've got a mouse down here in the corner I'm trying to get." And Joey sez, "Whaddaya gonna do with him, Dad, fuck him?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By the joke teller
My ex-girlfriend is so poor, I once saw her kickin' a tin can down the street. I asked her what she was doin' she said "movin"!

Anyone out there know what the difference is between my ex girlfriend and a hooker? A hooker is smart enough to get paid for it!

What's the difference between my ex and a hooker? Not much!

What's the difference between my ex and a submarine? They both go down, and are full of seaman!

What's the difference between my ex and a catfish? One swims on the bottom of a lake and eats garbage. the other one's a fish!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By "The Deuce"
One day, a guy walking down the street sees a sign outside a bar that says 'Make my horse laugh and win $500.' So the guy walks in the bar and asks the bartender where the horse is, and he points him through the back door. The guy comes back out, and in the background the bartender hears the horse laughing his ass off. So the bartender gives him the $500. The next week, the same guy walks by the bar again and there is a sign that says, " Make my horse cry and win $1,000." So after a few more minutes the bartender hears the horse crying his eyes out... The guy comes out and asks for the money... The bartender says, " Alright, buddy, here's the money... but you gotta tell me how you made the horse laugh and cry ." The guy says to the bartender, " First, I told the horse that my dick was bigger than his, and then I proved it !"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Clay Teunis
At the Montezuma Bar in Mexico City, three guys are enjoying their beer. Unfortunately, the bar is infested with flies. The first patron, an Englishman, says to the bartender, "I say, Sir, but their appears to be a fly in my Guinness!" The bartender promptly takes it back and gives him another. The second guy, a Texan, proclaims to the other two: "Hey! There's a doggone fly buzzing around in my Bud!" He then picks the pesky little insect out of his beer can and flicks it away. The third guy, an Irishman, takes his fly out of his tankard of Harp beer, grabs it by the scruff of its little neck and shouts: "Spit it out now, spit it out!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melody
three nuns died and went to heaven and at the gates of heaven St. Peter asked the first nun have you ever touched a penis and she siad yes just once and he said ok what did you touch it with and she said her finger and so he told her to put her finger in holy water then go threw the gates, well he's thinking that worked well so I'll ask the next nun the same question, well as he was going to ask the 2 nun the 3 nun came and pushed her out of the way and said Im not gargiling with that water after she sticks her ass in it

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ellie Mae
These three guys wanted to get into the FBI really bad. They were up for there final evaluation. Each guy was given a gun. The supervisor told them they had to go into a room and someone would be sent in that they would have to shoot. The first guy went in and they sent in his wife. He came back out and said that he loved her too much and just couldn't do it. He was sent home. The second guy went in and his wife was sent in. He came out and said he couldn't shoot her. He was sent home too. The third guy went in. Then the supervisor heard all kinds of noise. Beating. Screaming. Shooting. It sounded like the place was being torn apart. The third guy came out and was bleeding and his clothes were all torn. The supervisor asked him what happened. The guy replied, "Man, some Son of a Bitch puts blanks in that gun and I had to beat that Bitch to death."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Boy
Why can't lesbians go on a diet when they're wearing makeup?
Because you can't eat Jenny Craig when you have Mary Kay on your face.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason
Q: Why did 17 blondes go to the movie theater?
A: Because it said under 17 not admitted.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sheena again
Once there was this guy, he wanted to buy a chicken, so he went to the place where he could buy a chicken and he got one, but the seller said we don't call them chickens, we call them cocks. Well he said to himself while I'm here I should get a donkey, so he got a donkey but the seller said that when the donkey stiffins up you have to rub it cause it has to pee and plus they don't call them donkeys they call them asses. Well they were the best pets so he decided to take them to the fair. While he was there he was holding his cock and then his ass stiffins up and he said to his wife, Will you hold my cock so I can go rub my ass!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Morris
What's a brunette's mating call ?
All the blondes left.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BRYCE BERRYESSA
Why don't blondes brestfeed? It hurts to boil thier nipples.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Scott
Three blondes were on an island, and they found a magic lamp. A genie said that he would grant them each a wish. The first blonde said that she wanted to be smart enought to get off of the island. She swam away. The second on thought and said that she wanted to be smarter than that. She built a boat and paddled away. The third one said that she wanted to be smarter than both of them. She turned into a man...

Smile This Joke was Submitted By banshee dp
Q: How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
A: Three, one to hold the tit and two to lift the cow.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By alicia
Q: What do you call a blond with pig tails?
A: A blow job with handles.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tim
This chap comes back to America after a two-week vacation in Hong Kong. About three days after his return his penis becomes sore, red and swolen. he hurries off to his Doctor. The Doctor takes one look and tells him that he has "Hong Kong Dong". The guy asks what can be done for it and the Doc says, "Nothing, I will have to amputate". The guy decides to go to another Doctor for a second opinion and the Doctor tells him the same thing. The guy doesn't want to lose his penis so he decides to go back to Hong Kong and see if the Doctors there don't have a cure. He looks up a Chinese Doctor and the Doc tells him that he has "Hong Kong Dong". the chap says "Yes, I know. the American Doctors want to amputate". the Chinese Doctor says, "Amellican Doctors cut, cut, cut. Me no cut. Fall off--two weeks".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Art Burch
A 88 year old man visited his doctor. He told him that he was about to marry a 22 year old and was afraid he couldn't perform like she would want and could the doctor help. The doctor looked through his cabinet of pills and finely found a bottle which he gave to the senior citizen. "Take one pill with your evening meal and it should help for several hours" the doctor instructed.
The evening following the wedding at dinner he gave a pill to the waiter and asked that the chef put into the dinner. He noticed shortly that everyone but he received a bowl of soup. Calling the waiter over he asked him to find the reason. The waiter returned in a few minutes and said " The chef said he wouldn't serve his soup until the noodles lay down!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Art Burch
A man saw his doctor. His problem was that he got an erection every time he was around girls. The doctor told him that it was all mental and he had to concentrate on a forceful command, much like training a dog. He had him practice as though he was commanding his pet. "Down dog!" "Down dog!" After a few tries he began to see results. At home he practice the same command over and over until one "Down dog!" brought immediate shrinkage. He decided to try it out and went to a local bar. Soon he was talking with a shapely blond. He could feel the creep in his pants. He looked down and said "Down dog!" She also observed him and said "Sic em pussy!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kyle Schroeder
There were three guys that died and could come back to life as whatever they wanted to be. So the first guy says I would like to come back as a millionare. So he comes back with all the money he could handle. The second guy said he wanted to be an eagle. So he came back flying over the earth. Then the third guy just wanted to be a stud. So in Idaho on a '67 chevy you can find him on the tire!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Marco & Tania
A guy is invited to dinner by his new girlfriend's parents. He's sitting at the table, patting their pet dog, when he feels the need to drop a fart. Gently, he squeezes it out, but it goes toot and the girl's mother hears this. "Rover! No. Come away" she shouts at the dog. Hearing this, the guy thinks "Great! The dog will get the blame for anything I drop", and lets rip with a bigger one. "Rover!!" shouts the mother. A few minutes later, another trouser trumpet is released. "Rover!! Please!!". Getting cocky now, the guy cultivates a real humdinger, and lets off a monumental flabbergaster which has the room reverberating. "Rover!!!" screams the mother "Please!! Come away from there before he shits on you!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Marco
Patient: Doctor, last night I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow. Doctor:What's so bad about that? Patient: When I woke up the pillow was gone.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By T.J. De Cino
How can you tell a blond has been at a computer?
When there is cheese by the mouse!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By becky Lupton
Q: What bee makes milk?
A: A boobee

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Eric
A man drives his girlfriend out to a secluded place in the woods.He starts to kiss her, but then he tries to unbutton her blouse. She quickly put her knees under him and vaults him off with her legs. She gets out, runs home, and writes in her diary: Dear Diary, a girls best friends are her own two legs. The next night the same thing happens. He starts to get aggressive and she vaults him off with her legs. She repeats in her diary: A girls best friend are her own two legs. The next night she doesn't come home until after midnight. She writes in her diary: Dear Diary, sometimes even best friends must separate.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gianni ricco
How do you stump a blond for hours and hours?
A: Give her M&M's and tell her to alfabitize.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By poetess
A man goes to the doctor because he's having trouble with constipation. The doctor prescribes one suppository every ten hours. To show him how to put it in, the doctor put his hand on the man's shoulders and said for him to say "when". The man said when, and the doctor shoved it up him. Ten hours later, the man had his wife help him out, She put her hand on his shoulder, and he said when. After she was done, the man totally freaked out on her. When she asked if she had done something wrong, he just frowned. No, he replied, I just realized that the doctor had both hands on my shoulders!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By poetess
There were two men and one woman stranded on a deserted island. After two weeks the woman was so ashamed of what she was doing, that she jumped off a palm tree and killed herself. After two more weeks, the men were so ashamed of what they were doing that they buried her, and two weeks after that, they were so ashamed of themselves they dug her up!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh Acker
Q: If a Chevy is a farfennugen what are three blondes in a Chevy?
A:Farfromthinking

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jenny
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead were sitting around talking about their pregnancies. The redhead said, "I was on top, so we're having a little girl." The brunette said, "I was on bottom, so we're having a little boy." The blonde gasped and yelled, "Oh my God, I'm having puppies!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Scott
Q:Whats the diffrence betwen a toothbrush and a blonde?
A: You wouldn't lend a toothbrush to a friend!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ashika prasad
Q: What do blonds do in the morning?
A: Get dressed and go home.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By rick
Q: How do you get a blond into the back seat of a car?
A: Open the back door.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mike cranny
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cyndi Martin
A cop pulls a blonde over and asks for her license and registration, she asks what that is so he explains it, and she shows him the license and registration. realizing she isn't all that bright, he whips his dick out and she says "oh no, not another breathalizer."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erika
Q. How do you drive a blonde crazy? A. Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to alphabatize them.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tom Lane
A young couple were driving down a deserted road one night and they couldn't keep there hands off each other, so the man suggests that they pull off to the side of the road and screw in the back seat but the woman affraid of being seen says that she could never do that. So the man says that he'll park we'll do it under the car and if anyone sees them under the car he'll say that he's fixing his muffler, and the woman agrees. After a little while someone kicks the man's foot and says "Police, may I ask what you are doing" and the man tells him that he is fixing his muffler, and the cop says "Well you should have had your parking brakes fixed too because you car rolled down the hill a half an hour ago"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By David
A guy is introduced to a lawyer at a party. He asks the lawyer if the lawyer would answer two questions for $200. The lawyer says yes, and then asks, "So what is your second question?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Myeera
A koala walks into a brothel and tells the Madame that he wants to have the oral sex. She directs him to one of the girls and he goes down and enjoys himself. He then gets up to leave and the prositute jumps up and says, "Hey! You didn't pay me!" The koala is very confused so the prostitute shows him a dictionary and the definition of "whore." The koala looks at her, takes the dictionary and looks up "koala." The prostitute took the dictionary from him and read the entry. "A small mammal that eats bushes and leaves."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Pete Zelinsky
Q:How can you tell a blonde is baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There are M&M shells all over the floor.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mark Schams
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened:
ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
CORONER: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart?
CORONER: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
CORONER: No.
ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
CORONER: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Art Burch
A friend of mine suffered bad headaches from the stress of work. Each night when he got home he took three aspirin and a drink. This went on for quite some time till one night his wife announced that she forgot to pick up some at the store. He flew into a rage, his head hurting more than ever. She said she had some Pamperin (for THOSE days each month) and they might help him till she could go to the store. Sure enough they got rid of the headache, but really fast. For the next few months he used them as they took less tablets and there was no need for the drink. He did report one problem, his nose bled every twenty-eight days.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Art Burch
A man was going to a costume party and went to a costume shop. He told the clerk that he wanted to go as Adam of Adam and Eve. He wanted a leaf to cover his private parts. The clerk brought out a Walnut leaf. "No, no that's too small" the man said. The clerk brought out a Maple leaf. "No that's way too small." Again the clerk returned with a large Banana leaf. "Still too small" Finely he brought a large Palm leaf. "It's still too small." The clerk told the man he had nothing more. "What am I going to do?" the man asked. The clerk answered "Why don't you throw it over your shoulder and go as a gas pump!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By NICK BRUNO
A blonde is at a pop machine and she puts a quater in and pushes a botton and it came out the botom, so she did it again and again. An hour later some lady asked her to move and she said "Back off I'm winning."


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