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Kelly's Bar Jokes
8
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Smile This Joke was Submitted By Vanessa
whats the different between kinky and erotic. in kinky you just use a feather in erotic you use the whole chicken

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DHSHT
Q:WHAT DOES MONICA LEWINSKY AND A POP MACHINE HAVE IN COMMON? A:INSERT BILL HERE

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Maureen
Women goes into an ice cream parlor and asks for a bowl of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says, "we don't have any chocolate ice cream," the woman says o.k., so let me just have a small scoop of chocolate ice cream on a cone. The man says, "we don't have any chocolate ice cream." The woman says, o.k, then let me just try the chocolate ice cream on one of those small sample spoons. The man says, "lady, spell the straw in strawberry,", she spells "s-t-r-a-w", he says, "spell the van, in vanilla", she spells, "v-a-n". He says good, now spell the FU-K in chocolate, she says " there is no FU-K in chocolate" He says, "that's what I've been trying to tell you!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jess Webb
Why do Italian men wear mustashes... so they can look like their mothers!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jess Webb
If you're traveling faster than speed of light, what happens if you turn on your headlights?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By webb
Four men are on an airplane; a German, Russian, Mexican, and an American. The plane begins to lose altitude, so the German says: "We need to lose weight." He grabs a crate of sourcrout and tosses it out the window. The Russian replies: "Comrade, why'd you do that?" The German says "You see, in my country, we have a lot of sourcrout." So the Russian grabs a crate of big fluffy hats and toses them out the window. The Mexican asks "Amigo, why'd you do that?" So the Russian replies "In my country we have a lot of big fluffy hats." So the Mexican grabs a big crate of Tacos, and throws them out the window." The American asks "Why'd you do that?" The Mexican replies "In my country we have a lot of tacos." So the American opens up the window, and tosses out the Mexican.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By chris dzilums
2 Native women are walking home from the Bingo one night when one says to the other " I really have to get home because I have to Pee". The other lady says "there is a bridge ahead, just ge up on the railing and pee". They get to the bridge and the woman does as her friend tells her. She then looks between her legs and yells'"I can't pee here because ther is a canoe full of moose meat down there". The other lady looks and says, Keep Peeing, that's just a reflection!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alotta Vigina
What did they find in Monica`s dress? A wad of Bills.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By billy humpermore
what never fills billup and always lets him down? an evining with hillary

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Brittany Loveless
Q)Why are blods hurt by peoples words? A)Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ME!!
What do you call a lebian Dinosaur? An eatalotapus!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Skip Floyd
Q: What does a five hundred pound canary say.? A: HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY !!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By anonymous
what did one saggy boob say to the other? ia we don't start supporting our selves people are gonna think were nut's

Smile This Joke was Submitted By wow
Have you ever wondered: Who starts rush hour/traffic each day? Does someone just decide to slow down at 6:00am and 3:00pm and everyone else follow like lemmies?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gary
Q: How do you screw with a brunetts headA: Put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Randy Ravenscraft
A little boy and his dad were walking thru the park one day. Behind a tree, they observed two dogs adding to the canine species. The little boy asked, "What are they doing, Dad?" Not wanting to lie to his son, the father said, "Well, they are making babies, son." The boy was satisfied, and the two continued their walk. When they returned home, Dad was feeling frisky. So, he whispered something in Mom's ear, and the two disappeared upstairs. After a few minutes, the little boy went up the stairs, looking for his missing parents. As he walked passed the master bedroom, he saw his father and mother lying on the bed, naked, facing each other. "What are you doing, Daddy?" The father thought quickly, and replied, "We're making babies, son." "Well, turn her over", the boy remarked. "I'd rather have puppies!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By paul
your momma is so fat when she went to seaworld shamu got a hard on yOur momma is so fat, but i fucked her anyway

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jeff sole
why does this website suck? you made it!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ed Wood
There will be no turkey in the White House this year. Slick Willie lost his gobbler

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ed Wood
Did you hear about the two flies on the toilet seat? One got pissed off.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alex C.
This lady says to the doctor,"Doc,my farts don't sink and I can't hear them.I fart all the time and none notices,what do I do?" So the doctor puts her on the medince and a week later she comes back and says,"Doc what have you done?My farts stink and smell awful!" The doctor says,"Now that your sineces are cleared,lets work on your hearing."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alex c.
This lady says to the doctor,"Doc,my farts don't sink and I can't hear them.I fart all the time and none notices,what do I do?" So the doctor puts her on the medince and a week later she comes back and says,"Doc what have you done?My farts stink and smell awful!" The doctor says,"Now that your sineces are cleared,lets work on your hearing."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alex
This lady says to the doctor,"Doc,my farts don't sink and I can't hear them.I fart all the time and none notices,what do I do?" So the doctor puts her on the medince and a week later she comes back and says,"Doc what have you done?My farts stink and smell awful!" The doctor says,"Now that your sineces are cleared,lets work on your hearing."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By CHUM
Bo bo the clown is a cock Bo bo the clown is a cock..... i think you only need to read it twice to believe it

Smile This Joke was Submitted By CHUM
Bob and Bill were in a boat. the boat sank and they had to swim...when suddenly Bob's legs got bitten off by a shark. They kept swimming on when suddenly another shark bit off his arms. Bill said "jump on my back i will take you the rest of the way" When they got to shore Bill said "I'm fucked" Bob said "I'm sorry it was the only way i could hold on"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mtr400
your mother is so fat when she flushed the toilet she got a hickey

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mtr440
Everyday these two kids push this porterparty into the river. Oneday their father told them a story about George Washington. He told them that Georges father went away on a trip and George cut down his cherry tree. When his father got home he confused to doing it. His father admiered his currage and did not punish him. The two boys then told their father it was them who push the porterparty into the river. Their father started to beat them. the two then asked Why they got hit and George didn't. Thier father then told him George Washingtons father was not in the cherry tree when he cut it down.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By suck it
suck it.....ha ha ha

Smile This Joke was Submitted By noname
bill clinton dosen't play the saxaphone anymore. he plays the whore monica (hormonica)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Smile
Q:What does Monica L. have in common with an atm machine? A: They both have slots saying "Insert Bill here!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By john smith
When sex is a pain in the ass you are doing it the wrong way!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Smith
What is the speed limit on sex? 68 then you turn around.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By E-Dawg
What's the difference between 365 condoms and a tire? One's a Goodyear, one's a great year!!! What's the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker and ones a crack snacker!!! There are three men who are captured on a hostile island. The first man is brought out in front of the native village and is given two choices. "Oko-oko-ono" or death. Well, the guy doesnt want to die so he picks the "Oko-oko-ono." So they tie him to four poles and the whole village rushes at him and butt rapes him for like 15 minutes. He is untied and staggers off with a bloody @sshole. The second guy is brought out and he picks "Oko-oko-ono" also. The same thing happens. The third guy is brought before the village and is given the choices. He saw what happened to the other two and would like death a lot better. So he picks death and the chief of the village yells, "Death by 'Oko-oko-ono'!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By erin foulds-clayton
whats the difference between a woman and a hangover? hangovers go away!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By GREG
Q:WHY DID THE GIRL QUIT GIVING HER BOYFRIEND BLOWJOBS AFTER HE GOT HER NAME TATTOED ON HIS PENIS? A:BECAUSE SHE WAS AFRAID HE WOULD BE PUTTING WORDS IN HER MOUTH.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lauren
Q:What do you get when you cross a lesbian and an adulterer? A:Chelsea Clinton

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nick
A guy walks into an elevator and sees a young woman reading a book. so he just pushes the button to go up and the doors close. he looks over to see what book the woman is reading and sees that the title is called "statistics of sex". he asks her why she is reading that book. she replies because it is interesting. he asks what is so interesting abut it. "well" she says,"indians have the longest penis of all men." o.k., what else he asks. polish men have the thickest penis of all men. he says, oh by the way....my name is Tonto Kowalski.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alex
There's a man who has a donkey and he says "Ill Pay 300 dollars to anyone who can make my donkey laugh." A man comes and goes into the room and he makes the donkey laugh. When the man comes out, the owner of the donkey asks what he did to make the donkey laugh the man says,"I told him my penis was bigger than his." So the donkey is still lauging six months later. The owner calls the man back and tells him he'll pay him 5oo more dollars to make the donkey stop laughing. So, he goes into the backroom and the donkey stops laughing. When the man comes out, the owner asks him what he do to make the donkey stop laughing. The man replied, "I showed it to him!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By barbara
WHY DIDN'T THE SKELETON CROSS THE ROAD ?
ANSWER: HE HAD NO GUTS AH HA HA !!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By micah
im dumb

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Amanda
the word of the day is legs lets go back to my house and spread the word

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JONATHAN
1 DAY THE POPE AND BILL CLINTON DIE. THE POPE WENT TO HELL AND BILL WENT TO HEAVEN.IN HELL, THE POPE ASKS, "I THINK THERES BEEN A MIX UP.IM SUPPOSSED TO BE WITH GOD" THE DEVIL LOOKS IN HIS BOOKS......"YOURE RIGHT. IT'LL TAKE 3 DAYS" 3 DAYS LATER, IN THE ELEVATOR STOPS HALF WAY SO BILL AND THE POPE R LOOKING AT EACH OTHER. BILL SAYS "DO U WANNA GO UP THERE ANYWAY?" THE POPE REPLIES, "I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET THE VIRGIN MARY." BILL SAYS "YOURE 3 DAYS TOO LATE."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By erik mitchell
what do you call a bunch of naked guys standing on top of each other? a scrotum pole

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Da Sisco Kid
What do you tell a girl with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jon Custoff
What does an abused woman do when she comes home from her battered women's class? The dishes and the laundry if she knows whats good for her!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ricki john
What's the difference between pink and purple? Your grip

Smile This Joke was Submitted By vladimir
in some european countries, cops go on patrol in groups of 4. why is that ? the first one can read. the second can write the third knows the traffic signs. the fourth likes to hang out with intelligent people.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By med
my name is med

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Christopher
A boy was on one of those crosswalks which travel over large streets. This boy had a rope and was leaning over the edge and hitting the roofs of cars with it. All of a sudden an eighteen-wheeler comes by, the boy drops the rope and it catches the smokestack of the truck ripping the boys arms off before he can let go. A few miles down the rode, a police officer pulls the truck driver over and charges him with "armed robbery".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JoshP
Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By a friend
U suck

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Lapointe
Q; What does a blode say when she see's a bannana peelon the ground??? A: "Oh no, I am going to fall"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Lapointe
Q; What does a blode say when she see's a bannana peelon the ground??? A: "Oh no, I am going to fall"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BizNutt
Q: What's better than winning a medal in the Special Olympics? A: Walking.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By psyche philips
what is the difference between a cactus and a lowrider? On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside. Why don't gangsters like country music? Every time they hear a ho-down they think their girlfriend's been shot.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By no
you smell

Smile This Joke was Submitted By no
you smell

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ryan williams
Two guys walk into a bar ''one ducks''

Smile This Joke was Submitted By not telling
your shoes are so old they say air moses on them!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By not telling
This guy is checking out of a hotel. he hands the clerk fifty dollars. Clerk: this is not enough money Guy: the sign says fifty dollars Clerk: but then there is the extra 15 dollars for the food Guy: but i didn't eat any food Clerk: thats your fault. it was there for you. Guy: okay... then you owe me $100 Clerk: what for??!! Guy: for screwing my wife Clerk: but i never touched her!! Guy: Well thats your fault. she was there for you

Smile This Joke was Submitted By richgirl
your mama is dumb she held at the cat here pussy pussy pussy here pussy pussy!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Christina
your mama is so nasty she put a used tampon for a dessert on the dinner table

Smile This Joke was Submitted By christina
your mama is so nasty she put a used tampon for a dessert on the dinner table

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mandy Johnson
Q:What do a blound and a turtle have in common A:When they are on thier back their both screwed.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jessica
What do you call a person that reads a stupid question, then ponders about it? A blon(you)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sporty Spice
So this Dyslexic walks into a bra...

Smile This Joke was Submitted By me
kiss ass

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dj l
what dose a man consider a 7 corse meal? a 6 pack and ahot dog

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dejay langel
whats 69 and 69 ? dinner for four!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tommy boy
Q:Yo Mamma is like a bowling ball, she getts picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter and the bitch still comes back for more.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sgh
trh

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Hobo kop
Q: whats the diffrence between a chiken and a man A:the man doesnt eat with his pecker

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Freedom
A man was very scared of coldwind during night and that is why be used to remain under the quilt all the night. He got married but did not come out of quilt to touch his wife. His wife came under the quilt but even then the man did not touch her. She removed all all her cloths but even then also he did not touch her. She caught her hand, put them at her breasts. He asked what was that and she told him. Then she put the hands on the belly and he asked and told. Then she put his hand on her cunt and directed her finger inside. He asked what was that and she told that it was a hole. He immediately threw her out saying - that is why I thought from where the cold wind is coming.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anthony
Four guys go golfing. Three of them go down to the putting greens while the other goes to the clubhouse to use the bathroom. The first guy says to the other golfers,"I am so proud of my son. He is such a good car salesman, he could afford to give his lover a free Lexus." The next guy says to the rest,"Yeah, well my son is such a good real estate salesman that he could afford to give his lover a free house!" The third man replies,"Well my son plays the stock market, and he is so rich, he gave his lover a million dollars." The fourth man comes back and they ask him how his son is doing. He states,"Well my son is the most faggot bastard you could imagine, but this year alone he got a free car, a free house, and a million dollars."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jolly
As the foursome of ladies came off the golf course, one of them headed for the pro-shop. She was very upset as she told the pro that there were just too many bees on the course and one had stung her. He asked where this happened and she replied between the first and second hole. He replied "No problem, your stance is just too wide".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By abbey abdul
Q:Why there so few sheep in Africa? A:because the elephant use them for tampons.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bill
knock knock.....whos trhere.....owin....owin who......owin seven......redskin football joke

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kesha Smith
Yo mama so poor that she got to eat cereal with a fork to save milk.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By rat
what is the definition of deciet: a fly floating down the river with a hard on yelling raise the bridge

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt
What did the fish say when it hit the wall Damn

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kimberley Brophy
Q.Why did the have a bruised belly button? A.She had a boyfriend.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe Blow
There was three gay guy's and all their boyfriends names were Sam. It just so happend that they all died at once. The first guy said Sam always liked the ocean so I'm going to dump his ashes in the ocean. The second guy said Sam always liked flying so I'm going to spread his ashes in the air. The third guy said Sam always liked chili so I'm going to put his ashes in in a pot of chili so he can tear my ASS HOLE up one more time!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ronald D. Hicks
Whats the difference between a white person and a eitheopian? Eitheopian's always swallow!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andy Walker
your sister reminds me of a bowling ball; she gets picked up, fingerred, thrown down the alley and she comes right back for more.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Me
I don't have a joke i just wanted to say that these are SHIT,CRAP PILE OF DONKEY BOLLOCKS!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By poo
Are You Gay

Smile This Joke was Submitted By your mom
whats up

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Guillermo P.
What did Bill say when Monica first walked in his office? I haven't come across your face before.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris Thomas
Why is there a political party favoring anarchy?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By pimp daddy
you suck

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ryan
An Eskimo is driving into town one day when suddenly his truck breaks down.He calls for help and is towed to the nearest mechanic.As he sits and waits for an estimate,he decides to eat his the lunch he had packed. After a few minutes go bye,the mechanic walks in and says " It looks like you blew a seal". The eskimo replies "No, that's just mayonaisse from my sandwich".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Yoy yo ma
you are ohhoehroehorhoehorehr

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gina Rutenber
Three men are sleeping in the same bed and they wake up and tell about their dreams. The guy on the right side says,"I had a dream that somebody was pulling on my dick", the guy on the left side said,"I had exactly the same dream"... the one in the middle said," Not me. I had a dream I was skiing."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BART
I dont have a mom me and my dad share yours.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By terry phelan
don't have one

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michael Robinson
3 friends were going on a hike and they needed to bring supplies.They buy supplies and head out. The first guy takes out a water bottle. his friend ask why he brouht a water bottle? and he replied" in case i get thirsty". the other takes out a sandwich and they ask why took a sandwich and he replied" in case i get hungry". the other had a car door and his two friends were wondering why he had a ar door. the guy with car door said what are you guys pondering about? there asked why he had a car door. the guy replied" in case I get hot i can roll down the window.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Queer Joe Broomfield
A man walks into a pub with a slab of tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman "I'll have a pint please, and one for the road."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By reg
A man walks into a bar and orders 25 shots of Jack Daniels. He lines them up in a row on the bar, pays for them and then runs along the bar necking the lot. The barman waits a moment, and then asks him what he's doing. The man says "I've just had my first blow job." "Oh, you're celebrating," replies the barman. "No," says the man, "I'm trying to get rid of the taste."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By reg
I woke up at the crack of dawn this morning. First thing I said was "Dawn, get off my face."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dali Sandic
Q:What did the right leg say to the left leg A:Nothing.They have never met each other

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bill
Dyslexics have more fnu!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By pam
gay fucker

Smile This Joke was Submitted By cathy
Hillary asked Chelsea if she was having sexual relations & Chelsea replied, "Not according to Dad!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By poor girl
Q. why can a brunette drive past 68 m.p.h.? A. because at 69 they blow

Smile This Joke was Submitted By CASPER
WHAT DOSE BMW STAND FOR? BREAST MUST WIGGLE

Smile This Joke was Submitted By my pussy is the best
lalala

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sarah
A nun is hitch hiking down the side of the road when a trucker picks her up. They're driving along when they begin to discuss their morals. The nun says well i would never have sex with a married man or a man with children because that's just wrong. As well I would only have sex up the ass because that way i'm not really losing my virginity. So the trucker pulls over and they go at it. When they finish the trucker says ha ha i fooled you, I'm married and have three kids. The nun says ha ha i tricked you my name's Frank and i'm on my way to a costume party.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kearin
what did the banana say to the vibrater what are you shaking for there gona eat me

Smile This Joke was Submitted By cat. phur e cat
Q.what did the groovy paper say to the groovy pencil? A.write on man.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ronni G
Bill to Monica: And now to the safety-rules, watch out for your head when you crawl out from underneeth the desk!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By i dont know
a newzealander was counting his sheep 206,207,hello darling 209.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By i dont know
a newzealander was counting his sheep 206,207,hello darling 209.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By leon
a newzealander was counting his sheep 206,207,hello darling 209.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Loyacono
definition: Indecent if it's long enough, hard enough and in far enough it's in-decent.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By T.L.
What came first - the chicken or the egg?? .............................the Rooster

Smile This Joke was Submitted By t.l.
did you hear about the sultan that had nine wives? Ans. 8 of them had it pretty soft.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Drew Belding
A man stops in at a resturant. He asks the owner if he can use the restroom without buying anything. The owner told him he could use the ladies room because the mens room was broken. He also told the man not to press the red button. The man goes into the bathroom and does his business. He presses the green button and the toilet flushes fine. He said out loud,"I've got to find out what that red button does." So he presses the red button and he blacks out. Next thing he knows he is in the hospital and the owner of the resturant is there. The man asked him what happened. The owner said the red button was a tampon remover.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By leon
why is pubic hair curly ?So it doesn,t poke your eyes out.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By leon
Little bo peep has lost her sheep and doesn,t no where to find them but search revealed they were in the next field with a dirty big kiwi behind them.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tom
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TOAST AND TOILET PAPER? TOAST IS BROWN ON BOTH SIDES.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chan
Why don't witches have babies? Because their husbands have Hollo-weenies!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Planets

125 THINGS NEVER TO SAY DURING SEX

  1. It's long but it's good!
  2. Is it in?
  3. that's it?
  4. you've got to be kidding me.
  5. (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
  6. do I have to pay for this?
  7. do I have to call you tomorrow?
  8. oh momma, momma!
  9. oh dadda, dadda!
  10. you look better in the dark.
  11. this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
  12. i thought that goes in the other hole....
  13. don't tell my husband/wife.
  14. you have the same bra my mom does
  15. this sucks.
  16. can you finish now? i have a meeting...
  17. i hope you don't expect a raise for this..
  18. i think you might get the job for this.
  19. damn! is that all you know what to do.
  20. did i tell you, i have herpes?
  21. now we must get married.
  22. hurry up, the games about to start.
  23. i'm hungry.
  24. i'm thirsty
  25. zzzzzzzzzzzz.
  26. are you trying to be funny?
  27. can i have a ride home after this?
  28. are those real?
  29. by the way, i want to break up.
  30. is that smell coming from you?
  31. haven't you ever done this before?
  32. wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
  33. do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
  34. you're so much like your sister....
  35. your mom's cute. 35
  36. what's your name again?
  37. do i have to be here in the morning?
  38. a second time? i barely stayed awake the first time!
  39. but you just started!!
  40. you're about as good as a 9 year old, and i should know!!
  41. don't touch that!!
  42. can we order a pizza?
  43. i think my dad is listening at the door.
  44. smile for the camera, honey!!!
  45. take off that damn monkey glove!!
  46. get your hand out of there!!
  47. i think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
  48. i knew you wore a padded bra!!
  49. cover me boys, i'm going in!!!
  50. DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
  51. Fire one!
  52. God, that is small!!
  53. hold on, let me change the channel..
  54. who smells like fish?
  55. is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
  56. your best-friend does it much better.
  57. hope you don't mind i left my boots on.
  58. hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
  59. you're fogging up the wind-sheild.
  60. can i borrow 5 bucks?
  61. what the hell noise was that?!
  62. stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
  63. shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
  64. you know, you're not really attractive.
  65. i'm sorry, i was not listening.
  66. what, oh yea, i love you too, now let me concentrate!!
  67. stop interrupting me!!
  68. i have to take a sh*t.
  69. did i leave the iron on?
  70. your breath is funky.
  71. (start singing Green Day).
  72. is it o.k. if i call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....
  73. its ok honey, i can imagine that its bigger.
  74. god i wish you were a real woman.
  75. why can't you ever shave your legs?
  76. by the way, when i drove over here, i ran over your dog...
  77. oh susan, susan... i mean donna.... shit.
  78. your breast milk is like my mom's...
  79. you're hairy!!
  80. your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
  81. is it o.k. if i never see you again?
  82. did i forget to tell you i got worms from my cat?
  83. don't make that face at me!
  84. all of a sudden i have a headache.
  85. you're boring.
  86. how much do i owe you?
  87. How come we each have a penis?
  88. of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'l kill me!
  89. your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
  90. just use your finger, its bigger.
  91. does your family have to watch?
  92. we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
  93. get off me, i'll do it myself!!!!
  94. can you hold this sandwhich for me?
  95. you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
  96. the only reason i'm doing this is because i'm drunk.
  97. my mom taught me this.....
  98. how cute... peach fuzz!
  99. Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
  100. should i ask why you're bleeding?
  101. this is my pet rat, larry....
  102. if you can't do it, i'll find someone else who can!
  103. i haven't had this much sex since i was a hooker!
  104. i was once a woman...
  105. wanna see me take out my glass eye?
  106. no i don't love your mind, i can't grab that!!
  107. is it o.k. if i tell my friends about this?
  108. i'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
  109. you wanted me to use a condom?
  110. you're no better than my brother!!
  111. mooooo!!
  112. Fire in the hole!!!
  113. i wanna see how many quaters i can fit in there.
  114. hurry up, i'm late for a date.
  115. o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
  116. you ever see basic instinct?
  117. i'm out of condoms, can i use a sock?
  118. don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
  119. Did i tell you where my cold sore came from?
  120. you got boogies showing.
  121. (start reciting the 10 commandments).
  122. i think i just shit on your bed.
  123. of course i don't love you.
  124. let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ben Gay
Q:why do cowgirls walk boleged?
A:because the cowboys don't take their hats off to eat.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ethan Hunt
What did Bill Clinton say to his new secretary? I don't think I've cum across your face before!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sara
Why did the Packers have to change the field?
A. There was to much MOSS growing in the endzone.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BillyBob
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By allison
Q.Why did the bolde make coffee in the bathtub?
A.The can said to make it by the pot.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By john
Q: where do all the whores meet?
A: At the HOtel

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Robyn Davis
WARNING !! WARNING !! The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, GA announced today that the President of the United States has PROVEN that you CAN get sex from aides.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dani
how can you put four blonds on one chair? turn the chair upside down

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chad Bynes
Q: Where did the president move the white house? A: To Moorehead, Minnesota!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ashley
THERE ARE 3 FLIES IN A JAR, 2 FEMALE 1 MALE. THE 1ST FLY GOES UP TO THE MALE FLY AND ASKS HIM THE WAY OUT HE SAYS,"SCREW ME AND I WILL TELL YOU". SHE DOES. THEN HE TELLS HER TO FLY SIDE TO SIDE, WHEN SHE DID THAT IT KILLED HER. THE 2ND FLY DOES THE SAME AND GOES UP TO THE MALE FLY AND ASKS HIM THE WAY OUT HE SAYS," SCREW ME AND I WILL TELL YOU". SHE DOES. HE TELLS HER TO FLY SIDE TO SIDE AND THE SAME THING HAPPENS, SHE DIES. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW THE MALE FLY GOT OUT OF THE JAR? SCREW ME AND I WILL TELL YOU.:-)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ashley
Q: WHY DON'T WITCHES WEAR UNDERWEAR?
A: SO THEY CAN GRIP THE BROOM BETTER.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Louisa Jones
What do you call a fly that can't fly?
A Walk.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Carrier
A man walkes into a bar and asks the bar tender if he could use the bathroom. the Bar tender says sure but the mens bathroom is out of order so you can use the womens bathroom insted. Just remember to check that there is nobody in there. The man starts walking towards the womens bathroom when the bar tender calls out to him "dont press the third button." So the man enters the womens bathroom goes into a stall and takes a nice long shit. After he's done he notices three buttons on the wall next to him. Forgeting the bar tenders warning he presses the first button. It wips his ass and he thinks thats nice. Then he presses the second button. It wipes were the pussy would be. He thinks this is really great. Then he presses the third button. He wakes up in the hospital later that day. Standing next to him is the bar tender. The bar tender looks down at him and says "you shouldn't have pressed the third button. The man then asks him what the third button did. The bar tender replys "Automatic tampon remover."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By hotwheels27
what did the snail say riding on the turtles back? A: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By hotwheels27
definition: indecent
A: if it's long enough. hard enough and in far enough, it's indecent

Smile This Joke was Submitted By emma
your so poor that I asked if I could use the bathroom and you handed me a shovel and said," may the force be with you!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Emma
your momma is so fat that the army uses her for a bomb shelter!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Emma
Yo momma is so fat that she had to be baptized at sea world!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By heath
your momma is so fat that when they tell her to haul ass it takes her two loads.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Belinda
what does a computer and a woman have in common?
They both take 3.5' floppies.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By hank .D
two great white hunters were caught by cannabls in the jumgle . they were told thay were going to be boiled alive and eaten for dinner. they were placed in a big pot of hot boiling water one of the men started to laugh out loud the other hunter said whats the matter with you , we are going to be eaten for dinner, I know said the laughing man but wait until they taste the gravey.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Raff
A woman golfer was having trouble hitting the ball. She decided to go to the golf pro and ask for help. She said," I'm really having a hard time hitting the ball. What should I do?" The golf pro replied,"Well, I think you're holding the club way too tight. Hold it just like you were holding your husband's penis." The woman hit several shots and had never hit it any better. She went back to show the golf pro and he could not believe it. Everything was right down the middle. His comment, "now if we can just get you to take the club out of your mouth and into your hands you'll be set."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Steve
A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing eye dog suddenly he grabs the pooch by the tail and twirls him in the air. Shocked by what he sees the bartender asks "Can I help" the blind man replies "No just lookin around"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ROBERT
HOW DO YOU GET 500 COWS IN A BARN?
PUT UP A BINGO SIGN.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kevin
Q.What does someone with their cheeks puffed out remind you of?
A.Monica Lewinski with holding edvidence.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By PANDA 1
DID YOU KNOW THAT I BOUGHT MY WIFE A GOLD DIAPHRAM JUST TO SEE HOW IT FELT TO COME INTO MONEY.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By PANDA 1
have you heard about the sultan that had nine wives ?
Eight of them had it pretty soft.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Carl dewese
There was this guy who bought a motorcycle and when he bought it the guy told him that if he wanted to keep it in good condition he should rub vaselene on it. So the guy kept a jar of vaselene on him. One day his girl friend envited him over for dinner and so he went. when he got there she told him not to talk at the dinner table or he would have to do the dishes. He decided that he was going to play a trick on her dad so when they started eating he grabbed his girl friend threw her on the table and started doing her. After he was done he looked over at her dad and he didn't say a word. he thought for a second then grabbed the guy's wife threw her on the table and did the same thing. the dad still didn't talk. so a little bit later it started to rain. he pulled out the jar of vaselene and the dad said screw you I'll do the dishes but you are not banging me.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kate Muldavin
There was a man who suspected that his wife was having an affair on her day off from work. He wanted to catch her, so he went home during his lunch break one day and found his wife in the middle of their apartment, naked and screaming. He thought that the man his wife was having ther affair with was still in the apartment, so he looked everywhere. He couldn't find the guy, so he ran out onto the balcony. A man in spandex was hanging off the balcony, so the husband through him off. Still mad with rage, the husband began throwing all of the couples belongings over the balcony, including the refridgerator. He was so mad that he keeled over and died. Two hours later, he walked up to St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter told him that do to crowding, people had to have a horrible day on the day that they died to get into Heaven. The husband told St. Peter that he found out that his wife was cheating on him on the last day of his life, and St. Peter let him in. Two hours later, the man in spandex walked up to the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked him how the last day of his life was. "Well," he said, "I was doing aerobics in my apartment when I heard screaming from downstairs. I ran on to my balcony to see what was going on, but I slipped and fell off. Luckily, I managed to land on the balcony below. Then some crazy man came and threw me off the balcony, and that's how I died." St. Peter let him in. Two hours later, another man walked up to the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter asked the man how is last day of life was. The man replied, "Get this. I was naked in a refridgerator..."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kate Muldavin
Why are dead lawyers buried 12 feet under ground instead of 6 feet? Because, deep down, they're really good people.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By katie buff
Well, there was this guy and he was just driving along at 60km/h and he saw this 3 foot tall chicken running along beside him.And he said to himself "this is a bit strange" so he sped up to 80km/h and the chicken sped up with him, so he started going at 100km/h and the chicken was still running beside him. And then he saw this farm where the chicken was going. So he turns down there right, And he stops to talk to this farmer and he says "oh so how did ya get these chickens to be 3 feet tall" and the farmer says "Well I dunno" "Well what do they taste like?" The farmer says "I dunno I've never caught one!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bill Robinson
a salesmen is driving threw Vermont when all of a sudden he notices a pig with a wooden leg in The Rocking R Farms barn yard. well he says to himself " iv'e got to find out about that pig ." so he pulls over and aproaches the farmer , and asks him why his pig has a wooden leg? the farmer looks at the salesmen and says well ya see here thats 1 estrordanary pig! one day i was changing a flat on my old john deere over yonder and the jack slipped and down came the tractor on my leg, well the wife and kids was'nt round so I was stuck here and all of a sudden that there pig come over and dug me out with her nose! well said the sales men that is 1 extrordanary pig , but that doesn't tell me why it's got a wooden leg! well said the farmer, there was another day when we was all out choppin hay and a fox got into the hen house over there and that pig, she went rite on in after it and done killed the fox fore it had a chance to kill even 1 chicken! well said the salesmen that is 1 extrodanary pig but it still doesn't tell me about the wooden leg! well said the farmer, one night we was all sleepin in the house over yonder when alog mustof rolled out of da stove and caught the house on fire, well that there pig she must of smelled the smoke, cause she came a squeeelin and oinkin up a storm and woke the whole family up in time to get out and save the house! well again the salesmen said that is an extordanry pig, but it still dosen't tell me why it has a wooden leg! well says the farmer, a pig like that ya don't eat all ta once.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By art
the five fingers represents 5 important departments

  1. pinky.. department of health.Why? you use it to pick your nose.
  2. thumb... department of traffic and violation. Why? thump mark, hitchhiking.
  3. index finger? department of education. why? the teacher always points at you.
  4. finger next to the pinky? department of treasury.why? you put your jewelry and valuable stuff.
  5. What about the middle finger? department of INTERIOR.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By gil cromosini
Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
Because if they dragged them by their feet,they'd fill up with dirt!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mailman
there was a survey taken about bill clinton 50 people said they would never sleep with bill clinton 50 said they would and 150 said never again

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kelley
What does Monica Lewinski and a slot machine have in common??? They both say...insert Bill here...LOL

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jason bryant
giraffe walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and says "alright boys high balls are on me"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rae
THE GIFT A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young mand sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note: I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have choosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love, P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chantal West
While Clinton is asleep(alone) one night, George Washington's ghost comes. Clinton says to him," What's the best thing I could do for the country?" Washington says," Set an honest and truthfull example, like I did." Then the ghost dissapears. Clinton goes back to sleep. About an hour later, Thomas Jefferson's ghost appears. Clinton asks him, "Tom, what's the best thing I could do for the country?" He says, " Cut taxes and reduce the size of government." Then the ghost dissapears. Clinton gives up trying to sleep, so he just lies in bed awake. About an hour later, Abraham Lincoln's ghost appears before Clinton. Clinton asks him, " Abe, What's the best thing I could do for the country?" Lincoln says," Go to the Theatre."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chantal West
Clinton and a holy man both die at the same time. Clinton goes to heaven, and the holy man goes to hell. At the Gates, St. Peter lets Clinton into heaven. About an hour later, he realizes his mistake. He calls the holy man up to heaven and gets Clinton to the Gates. St. Peter says, "I'm sorry for my mistake. To prove it, what would you like to have in heaven, it can be anything." The holy man says, "Oh, okay. Well, I would like to see the Virgin Mary. " St. Peter casts a steely gaze at Clinton while saying," I'm sorry, you're too late."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chantal West
A man is walking through the forest, feeling really close to God now. He asks God," God, how much is a million dollars to you?" God replies," Oh, a million dollars is like a penny to me." So the man continues walking. He stops and askes God," God, how long is a million years to you?" God replies," Oh, a million years is like a second to me." So the man walks a little more then asks God," God, can I have a million dollars?" God tells him," In a second my son."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chantal West
A woman is working as head of inventory at a Tickle-Me-Elmo factory. Her boss comes to check how business is going like he does every day. He comes accross the woman and says to her," You're doing such a good job, that I'm going to promote you to the Head Tester of the dolls. So the next day she goes to her new job. Later on, her boss comes and does his rounds when he sees that the conveyor belt is all backed up. He goes to one of the workers and asks him,"What is going ON here!" The worker replies,"It's that new woman. She's holding up the conveyor belt." So the boss goes to see and sure enough, there she is. She's sitting on a huge pile of dolls, sewing walnuts onto each one. Her boss says,"What are you doing to the stock! What's going on here!" She simply replies,"Well sir, I'm just doing what you asked. I'm giving each doll two testicles (test-tickles) before I let them be shipped out."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chantal West
A priest and a lawyer both die and go to heaven. They come to St. Peter and St. Peter builds a mansion and says,"Here lawyer. This is your home in heaven. Enjoy!" St. Peter then builds a little shack and says,"Here priest. This is your home in heaven. Enjoy!" The priest says,"WAIT! I'm a priest and he's a lawyer. Shouldn't I get the mansion instead?!" St Peter replies,"We have WAY to many priests, pastors,etc. But this is our FIRST lawyer!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Heather Payne
what's Bill Clinton's ideal of safe sex??? Waiting till Hillary is gone!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Marc
Just before take off on a plane the pilot was anouncing the normal security mesures and when he sat down he forgot to turn off the micro phone and he said to the co-pilot; boy what I wouldn't give for a cup of coffee and a blow job right about now and next thing you know you see the stewardess running up the isle of the plane, suddenly one of the passengers yells out DONT FORGET THE COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By clayton houghland
Kathy Lee goes to a Indian reservation. She sees an Indian with one feather she asked him. What does the feather mean. He answers me do one squaw me have one feather. She does not believe this so she asks another with four feathers. He answers me do four sqaws me have four feathers. She still does not believe this so she goes to the chief. He has many feathers, she asks why do you have so many feathers. Banggng on his chest he says. Me do all women fat, skiny, tall, short, me do them all. She says you dog, yes dogy style, normal, sideways, etc me do it all. With a tear in her eye she says,oh dear. No dear, me do no dear. Run to fast ass to tight me do no dear.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lee Raskin
It's Damn Hot in D.C. : Everyone is rushing out to buy a 'King WIlliam' cigar! It's long, got a fresh young taste... and feels good in your mouth. Best of all, you don't have to enhale it!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By merrill
do you know what bill clinton and a computer have in common?
A: 6 inch hard drive and no memory

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Trissa
a man comes home from work one night to find his wife waiting for him on the couch wearing nothing but crotchless underwear.. the wife says to her husband "hey baby want some of this?" The husbands says, " Hell NO!! Look what it did to your underwear!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jamie Varholdt
A little boy is pulling a wagon across a wet dirt field and it keeps getting stuck in the mud and he starts cussing. Then a pastor comes out and says its not nice to swear god is all around. Really is he in the sky?. Yes. Is he by the chruch? Yes. Is he in my wagon? Yes. Well tell him to get the fuck out and push

Smile This Joke was Submitted By D Smith
what's the difference between a sports car and a light bulb?
They're both hard to screw in.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By D Smith
what do women do with their asshole after sex?
Send him down to the pub..

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bob
Why have women got such small feet? So they can stand closer to the sink.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt LaFree
Q: If a man says something and no woman is there to here it, is he still wrong?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Patrick
I was reading the papers the other day and noticed a story out of Englind about the mysterious crop circles formed in farming fields. The story concluded about sitings of aliens just outside of the city. Apparently these aliens had came to earth to search humans for research as they had never seen them before. They had landed the spaceship in a wheat field accross the street from a gas station. There were only two aliens. Both had stepped out of the spaceship and walked to the gas station and stopped at the gas pumps. "Whats your name?" The crewleader of the spaceship asked the gas pump. The gas pump didnt say anything. The other alien has a wild look in his eye. ONce again he asked the pump, "whats your name?" The gas pump didnt say anything. The crewmember told the leader, "Hey man, I wouldnt mess with him!" "Shutup!!!" Says the leader. The leader asked again and still the gas pump didnt say nothing. "I wouldnt mess with him he looks like a bad dude!" says the member. "I told you to shut your trap!!" Says the leader to the member. So the leader pulls his laser gun from his holdster and pionts it at the gas pumps. "Look here", the leader says to the pumps. "You dont tell me your name I will shoot you". Nothing is said, he shoots the pump. BOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! The whole damn station blew up, blew the aliens two miles down the road. They shook there heads as they lay in the grass. "I told you not to mess with him" says the crew member to the leader. "Well how did you know not to mess with him?" The leader asked. The member says, "Anybody who can wrap a dick around his waist and stick it in his ear has got to be a bad motherfucker!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By gary scott
if your mamma taught you how to flip a cigarett you might be a red neck

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Louise
Two sparrows were sitting in a tree. A tortoise was struggled up the trunk, shuffled along a branch, threw himself off and landed with a sickening thud on the ground. As the sparrows watched, the tortoise repeated this twice more - struggle, struggle, shuffle, shuffle, WHEE, thud - struggle, struggle, shuffle, shuffle, WHEE, thud. One sparrow turned to the other and said "Don't you think it's about time we told him he's adopted?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kelly
Mike Tyson is in bed with a girl, and he says, My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a rough childhood, I was thrown in jail for rape, my wife left me for beating her up, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, they want to ban me for life, and Don King stole all my money. Nothing could make my life any worse. The girl says, I can say some thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jan
Daddy Tomato, Mommy Tomato and Baby Tomato are walking down the road. Baby Tomato falls behind. Daddy Tomato squishes Baby Tomato and says: "Ketchup."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cara
There were two guys golfing and this fine girl stopped by and asked for thier number,so one of the guys got out paper and a 16 inch pencil. His friend said why is your Pencil so big? He replied, my Genie made it that way."You have a genie?" yep, right here in my golf bag.So, he got out the genie .the masters friend said "since im your masters bud, can i have a million bucks? so a million Ducks flew over him.He said to his bud,"I asked for a million BUCKS not DUCKS!" He replied back "I should have told you, He's a bit hard of hearing, I mean Ya think I really asked for a 16 inch BIC!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris
What has 100 teeth and eats weiners?
A Zipper

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ash
your mamas so ugly she stuck her head out the window and got arrested for mooning

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kenny Bennett
This guy's wife had a car accident which left her in a coma for the past six months. One day the nurse comes in to give her her daily sponge bath. The nurse starts to sponge her all over and when she gets to the womans vagina the woman suddenly flinches. The nurse becomes excited and rushes out to tell the doctor."This is fabulous," says the doc "get her husband down here right away." They call her husband and tell him what happened so he rushes down to the hospital right away. "Here's what we want you to do" says the doctor."Go in there and have oral sex with your wife, and maybe that will bring her out of it." " Sure thing " says the husband. Fifteen minutes later the husband comes rushing out of the room screaming for the doctor."what's wrong?" asks the doc. "I don't know " says the husband "but I think my wife just died." "DIED?" asks the doctor "how could that happen?" " I don't know,"says the husband."I think she choked."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alicia Myers
One Old Rooster... An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........ "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By flavorsavor
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "not everyone is as cheap as you are."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By S.L. Wolfe
What's the medical name for Viagra?
Da-cocs-a-phaylen.

What do you get when you mix Viagara and Rogaine?
Don King hair.

Why do red necks take lots of Viagara?
They want to be bigger pricks.

Why did the gambler take Viagara?
He liked playing poke her.

What do fabric softner and Viagara have in common?
They both get the wrinkles out.

Why did Burger King mix Viagara in the frying oil?
He wanted to stiff their competition.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Merriluu
Q: Why do all tornados have womens names? A: They are so alike; wet and wild when they come, and take the house, the car and the dog when they leave.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Veronica
Q. What do you call 2 skunks having 69?
A. odor-eaters

Q. How did Pinochio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.

Q. How did dairy Queen get pregnant?
A. Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rufus
A man stood up in a bar and yelled: "all lawyers are assholes!" On the other side of the bar another man stood up and said "I resent that remark". The other man said "Why? Are you a lawyer? "No", the man said, "I'm an asshole".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rufus
What did the indian say when his dog fell over the cliff? Answer: Dog-gone

Smile This Joke was Submitted By C.G.
four women are sitting at a bar braging about how deep their pussies are the first woman says my pussy is so deep my husband can fit his whole hand in there the second woman says well my pussy is so deep my husband can fit his whole head in there the third woman says well my pussy is so deep my husband can fit his whole arm in there then they all look to the fourth lady who just smiles and slides down the bar stool

Smile This Joke was Submitted By C.G.
Why was a drunken Indian standing in a hotel lobby?
A: because he didn't have a reservation

Smile This Joke was Submitted By El Magnifico
A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them, then watches as the man kicks back all 6 in quick succession. He is astounded and asks the man, "That is a lot of alchohal. What is the occassion." The man shakes himself and replies, "My very first blow job." The bartender smiles, shakes his hand, and offers to buy him the next round, but the man says, "No thanks. If that does'nt get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ben
Adam is walking around the garden of Eden and he thinks to himself, "you know, this place is really nice and all, but I feel a little bit lonely." Just then God comes rushing down from Heaven and tells Adam that he has a new invention that's going to solve his problem. Adam says, "hey, sounds good, what is it?" God says to Adam, "It's called a woman. She'll help you get your work done, she'll make your food, she'll clean for you, listen to you, and make love to you whenever you want." Adam is so excited, he says, "this is perfect. When will she get here?" God says, "well, Adam, you know, there's no free lunch." Adam says, "OK, so what'll it cost me." God responds, "How about an arm and a leg?" to which Adam replies, "Ooohh, that's pretty stiff. What can I get for a rib?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By chris
what do you call a dog with spike hair when you pet him---rough

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kelly Petree
Okay there were three old, southern, ladies sitting on a porch swing the day after Valentine's Day. The second asks the first, "What did your husband get you for Valentine's Day?" "Well," the first one says, "My husband bought me this diamond ring." She gets up and shows it off and the second "OOOOHS and AAAAAAHS", while the third says, "Well that's nice." So, then the second one gets up and shows them what her husband got her, a fur coat. So the first "OOOOHS and AAAAAAHS", while the third says, "Well that's nice." So they start swinging and swinging and SWINGING, but the third one never says what her husband got her. Well, the first is getting curious, because if the third got a better gift than her, she was wanting to know. So the first asks, "What did your husband get you?" The third says, "He sent me to charm school." Then second then asks, "Well, what did you learn at charm school?" The third says, "I learned to say that's nice instead of fuck you."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jackie
A scientist was successful in cloning himself.
He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper. The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and shut-up!". Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!". Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window. The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act go unchallenged." The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for "Making an obscene clone fall."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By J Corbett
A grasshopper goes into a bar the bartender says" hey! your a grasshopper. You know we have a drink named after you". And the grasshopper says." No kidding you have a drink named KEVEN???

Smile This Joke was Submitted By RRJR
WHICH STRECHES FURTHER SKIN OR RUBBER? SKIN BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS MOSES TIED HIS ASS TO A TREE AND WALKED 20 MILES.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By RRR
WHAT DO YOU CALL TWO QUEERS ON ROLLER SKATES? ROLLAIDES

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paul Urban
A guy walks into a bar and says ouch.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sumo
A gay guy went to the doctor to see how he could grow lots of hair on his chest to be more masculine. The doctor suggested rubbing lots of vasoline into his chest, twice a day. The guy was overjoyed, and went home to rub down. He climbed into bed with his partner, who loudly shrieked "OOH! What have you done to yourself? " To which the answer came " The doctor said that if I wanted to grow lots of hair on my chest, I had to rub vasoline into my chest twice a day" To which his partner quickly replied "Well, if that was the case, you'd have a fucking huge ponytail growing out of your arse!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ian Devine
Why do people worship swiss cheese? Because its holey.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Patrick
Why don't chickens wear underwear.????????? Because their pecker is on their head!!!!!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Steve
A man and a woman are in an elevator. The man turns to the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman relies "NO .. YOU CAN NOT" So, the man says, "Oh, then it must be your feet".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Toby
Did you hear about the Irish guy that got a vibrator?
He had his teeth knocked out.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gene
This Blonde was driving on her way to Toronto. She saw a sign that said TORONTO LEFT, so she went home.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Honey
How can you tell when a blonde has two brain cells?
She is pregnant!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Crazy Legs J. Bowling
One day these four nuns died in a car crash. When they get to heaven St. Peter said to the first nun have you ever touched a dick, the nun replied yes, but only with my right hand. He says to the second nun, have you ever touched a dick, She replied yes but only with my left hand. So he told the first two nuns to wash there hands in the holy water and enter into heaven. He was just getting ready to ask the third nun the same question, and the fourth nun started to cus and yell. St. Peter said whats wrong with you, she replied I have drink that water after she washes her ass in it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By steve smith
A guy comes home from work and see his wife standing infront of a full length mirror admiring her naked body. The husband ask the wife what is she doing, and she responed that the doctor told her she had the breast of a 30 yr old, to which the husband asked "what did he say about your fifty year old ass", "nothing" the wife smirked "your name never came up"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MeSha
When you walk into the bathroom you are an American. When you exit the bathroom you are an American. So what are you when you using the bathroom.
European.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Steven
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Answer: Where is my tractor?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By tommy
What do you do when the Dishwasher breaks down? Slap the Hoe.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lyndon
What does a man and linoleum have in common?
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for life!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By funny man
Did you here about the constipated mathmatition? He worked it out with a PENCIL..

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jessica
There were Three guys walking on a nude beach. The first and third guy were enjoying the wonderful sights, but the second guy refused to open his eyes. The first guy said, Why don't you open your eyes to feast on this wonderful sight? The second guy answered, my mother said if I open my eyes I will turn to stone. The third guy laughed and said, Thats not true! The second guy said, Uh Huh! It must be true because the lower portion of my body it already turning to stone!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MAX
There's a salmon swimming upstream to spawn. There's a bear on the bank of the river thinkin' "That salmon's gonna come up here just a little further and I'm gonna get some dinner". There's a hunter watchin the bear thinkin' "he's gonna reach in after that salmon, I'll shoot him and have me some dinner". There's a mouse watchin' a little piece of cheese on the cuff of the hunter's jacket thinkin' " That bear's gonna reach for that salmon, the hunter's gonna shoot him, the cheese will fall and I'll have me some dinner." There's a cat watchin the mouse thinkin, "That bear's gonna reach for that salmon, the hunter's gonna shoot him, the cheese will fall, the mouse will go for the cheese, I'll get some dinner." The salmon swam up just a litte further, the bear reaches in for him, the hunter shoots, the cheese falls, the mouse rushes out, the cat jumps out and flies all the way over the mouse and lands in the river. What's the moral of the story? ....... The longer the foreplay the wetter the pussy!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe Blow
This girl gave a guy head (oral sex) and she said Ha Ha you have a small dick (penis)..

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paula Moody
Your sister is so dumb...she thought menopause was a button on the vcr!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paula Moody
What do you call a kid who rips pages out of the bible? A holely tearer.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paula Moody
What did the blonde say when a guy blew in her ear? Thanks for the refill!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paula Moody
Three men walked into a bar. They saw a man selling apples. He said he could make them taste like anything you want for 10 dollars. So, the first guy goes up and gets an apple that tastes like french fries. He thought they tasted just like french fries. Then the second man got an apple that tasted like ice cream. He said it tasted just like ice cream. Then the third man went up and got an apple that tasted like pussy. He bit into it and said it tasted like shit. The seller said turn it a around.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
THE REAL JOKE IS ALL OF THESE PEOPLE SENDING IN JOKES AND THEY CAN'T SPELL!! DIDN'T ANY OF THEM GO TO SCHOOL?? (Yeah, yeah, don't start flaming back, I'm over it already!)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Casey
Q:What's the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A:The microwave doesn't scream when you put your meat in it!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paula Moody
There were two trees growing side by side in the forrest. A beech tree and a birch tree. They look down one day to see a seedling sprouting up. "See that, that's a son of a beech" the beech tree said proudly. "No, that's a son of a birch." the birch tree said. "No, a son of a beech." "No, son of a birch." They fought like this for decades and decades. A wood pecker that had flew over them every day came down and landed on one of thier branches. "I'm sick of you two bickering." "Why don't you go down there and find out what kind it is?" the beech tree asked. The wood pecker flew down. "It doesn't matter. It's a son of a birch anyway." No, It's a son of a beech." Well, the wood pecker was down there for a couple hours. When he flew back up he had a big smile on his face. "What is it what is it?" they both asked with antisipation. "Well, fella let me tell you. That's the best peice of ash I ever had my pecker in!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paula Moody
After returning from Christmas vacation a teacher asked her class to tell her what they did for vacation. She told them they had to use the word fasinate. The first boy stood up and told about his trip to New York City. He said this family went to the empire state building and the view was fabulous. The teacher told him no, the word was fasinate. A little girl stood up and said that her family went to Buffalo. They went to an expensive resturant and the deserts were fabulous. The teacher again said no. She said to use the word fasinate. Then a little pollak boy stood up in the back and said that his family stayed home. On Christmas morning they got up and his sister got the most beautiful sweater. It was blue with 9 white buttons. But, he said it was too tight and she could only fasen eight.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paula Moody
One day while a married woman was with her lover her husband arrived home. "Honey," he yelled from the bottom of the stairs. "Get in the closet," the woman said as he jumped in and she locked the door. "I just got a promotion and a trip to Hawaii, let's go," the husband said as he rushed in the room. "But, honey we have to pack-" "No, time, lets go." They left for Hawaii and returned two weeks later. The woman rushed to her bedroom and opened the closet. She sees her lover sitting there with a smile. "What? I thought you would be dead." "I would have been dead if you hadn't had these jelly donuts in here." She thought for a minute. "I didn't have any jelly donuts in there. Just my used maxi pads!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paula Moody
There was this pollak who was on traffic duty. He was sitting in his car with his radar gun when a guy drove by going about 90 mph. So the pollak fired up his sirn and chased him. The pollak caught him and walked up to the car. "Can I see your license please," The pollak asked as the driver rolled down the window. The pollak looks at the license with dismay. "It says here that you are suppose to be wearing corrective lenses while you are driving. Where are they?" "Oh, I have contacts," the driver answers. "I don't care who you know, I want to see your corrective lenses."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paula Moody
A smart blonde, a dumb blonde and Santa Clause are walking down the street. They see a twenty dollar bill ahead of them. Who picks it up? The dumb blonde because the other two arn't real.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erin Martaindale
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but don't pick your friends nose.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By splugiff
There is a priest and a Rabbi. They were riding on the freeway one day and they both crash into each other. Both cars were completely totaled but the two men were not harmed. The priest gets out of the car and tells the Rabbi that this is a sign of God that we are not hurt. So the Priest breaks out the bottle of wine that did not break during the crash and opens it offering some to the Rabbi. The Rabbi gladly accepts and drinks. After the Rabbi drinks he askes the Priest If he is going to drink. And the priest says I will drink when the cops get here.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Smiles
Why did the blond siamese twins go to England? So the other one could drive.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michelle Mcdougall (suspended for one year)
Q: What do you call a blonde upside down? A: A brunette with bad breath!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kathy
Two men walking down a street see a dog licking himself. One man says,"Boy I wish I could do that ". Then the other man says," Well I suggest you pet him first!".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
Little Joey was playing house with Little Suzy and wanted to see her pussy. Being a bit smart she said that he could look at but it would cost him fifty cents. He handed over 2 quarters and she pulled up her dress and gave him a good long look. Later that day she went down town to the ice cream store and got a chocolate ice cream cone with the money. She was sitting on a park bench eating the ice cream cone and pulled up her dress, looked at her pussy and said, " You little money-maker, if you had teeth, I'd give you a bite!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris
Why do blonde women have bruises around their belly buttons? Because blonde men are just as stupid !!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By K. Ottley
How do you know when a blonde has used a computer? Liquid paper on the screen. How do you know if she returned? When the liquid paper is filled in.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BITCH AND A WHORE? A WHORE SLEEPS WITH EVERYBODY, A BITCH SLEEPS WITH EVERYBODY BUT YOU.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ALABAMA WILDMA
WHAT DO YOU CALL A INDIAN WITH 3 BALLS? A BUCK AND A HALF

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JR
A CAJUN boy got married and took his wife on a grande honeymoon... While on the honeymoon...the groom killed his new bride. Back at home, the Dad asked the Son, Why did you kill your new wife? Groom: Well Dad, I found out she was a virgin, and I figured if she wasn't good enough for her OWN FAMILY, how could she be good enough for OURS!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JR
A man and a woman were traveling down the highway. The woman said, you've got to stop; I've got to take a serious shit... After several minutes in the woods, the woman called out that she didn't have any toilet paper. The man yelled, USE A DOLLAR!! Let's go. Minutes later, the woman stumbled out of the woods, grumbling. The man asked her what was the matter. She said, Nothing really, It's just a little hard wiping my ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickle!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DL
A truck driver was sleeping in the Holiday Inn when he was awakened by someone crying. He walked outside to find a BLONDE Quadraplegic, sitting by the pool in a wheelchair. He asked her why she was crying. She said, I'm a Quadraplegic and I've never been fucked. The truck driver says he can definitely help her... He picks up the girl...Strokes her long Blond hair... and tosses her in the pool. Your're Fucked Now Bitch!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DL
What is the difference between herpes and true love? Herpes lasts forever!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bob
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three club sodas.
Bartender: "Why are you three here?
Blondes: Well we just finished a puzzle.
Bartender: A puzzle you gotta be kidding me.
Blondes: No,we finished it in 58 days and the box said 2 to 4 years!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By cody campbell
Q.what did the blonde's left leg say to the right leg?
A. Nothing they never met.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andy Knox
A guy walks into a bar carrying a box. The Bartender asks the man what he has in the box. The man lifts up the top of the box and inside there is a tiny piano and a little man playing the piano. The bartender exclaims "That's amazing, where did you get that." The man says "there is A magic store across the road and the man who owns the store will give you any wish you want." The bartender runs across the road to the magic store and asks for a Million Bucks. The magician waves a magic wand, and a Million Ducks appear. The bar tender goes back to the bar very mad. He says to the man "that magician sucks, I asked for a Million Bucks and I got Million Ducks." Then the man says to the bartender, "Do you think I asked for a ten inch Peinist."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kermit
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders12 tequilas. "What, are you celebratin' or sumthin'?" asks bartender. "Yea," saya the guy, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." "Well, congragulations!," says the bartender,"Here, have a 13th, on the house!" "No thanks," says the guy, "if 12 won't get this nasty taste out of my mouth then nothing will."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Some guys named Vadim and Shawn
One day there was this guy and he got into a car crash, and he had to have his arm amputated, so the doctor said "You can have one kind of artificial arm, a normal one or, you can have the voice-commanded one." So he chooses the voice-commanded one. So he is driving home and he has to go to the bathroom. So he stops at a gas station, goes into the bathroom, and tells the arm to unzip his fly, and it does. Then he says "Take it out." So it does. He finishes pissing, and he says, "Shake it once, shake it twice." Then he tries a little expiriment, he says, "Jerk it off!" And it rips his dick off.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By msamson105
Did you ever get caught jerking off in the closet? NO, good place to hide aint it?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Hfd117
If a guy and girl need a marriage license to get married, what does two lesbians need ?

A liquor license.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
Two hobos are going door to door one morning, trying to get something to eat. At the last house, the lady says that she will fix them a meal if they are willing to work. They agree and she has them take out her carpets, hang them on the line and beat them with carpet beaters. Awhile later, she checks on them and sees one leaning on the beater watching the other doing somersaults and hand-stands. She goes out and tells the one standing that his friend is pretty clever with the acrobatic act and that if he would do it again in the afternoon to entertain her card club meeting, she will fix a bag of food for them to take with them when they leave. "Just a minute." he says and yells to his buddy, "Hey, Joe, do you think that you can stand another swat in the nuts like that for supper?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Scott Lewis
This guy walks into a bar and sees a pot of gold on top of the bar. The man asks the bartender what it is there for. The bartender replies that whoever can make his horse laugh wins the pot of gold. The man asks if he could try. The bartender agrees and so the man whispers something in the horses ear. The horse immediately starts to laugh out loud. The man took the pot of gold and goes home. The next week the same man walks in and sees another pot of gold. The bartender tells him that now he has to make the horse cry to earn the pot of gold. So the bartender takes the horse outside and when he and the horse come back in the horse is bawling his eyes out. The bartender gives him the pot of gold and asks him to tell how he did it. The man replies, "Well, first I told him I had a bigger dick than him, second time I showed him!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mark
A plain-faced highschool senior finally gets her lifelong wish when the man of her dreams asks her to the prom. Elated, she runs home to tell her family of the news but realizing the strict nature of her father she waits until the big night to sneak away. As she is walking out the front door her father asks just where she thinks she is going. To the prom she replies. The father says, " If you want to go anywhere, you know what you have to do." He drops his pants and orders his precious daughter to suck. Disgusted, she runs upstairs to cry her heart out but finally realizes how much this night means to her and returns downstairs and obliges her father. " Dad, that tastes like shit!" she exclaims. "Yeah, well your brother wanted to go to the prom too"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cole Sather
A blonde, Red head, and Brunette, were sitting in second grade, Who is sexiest? The blonde she is 16 years old.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bogdan Oprea
Kyle's mama is so fat, when she goes for a walk outside in a yellow dress, the kids yell "Koolade!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bogdan Oprea
Kyle's mama is so fat, when she goes for a walk outside in a yellow dress, the kids yell "Oh man, I missed the bus!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bogdan Oprea
Kyle's mama is so bald she looks like a broken condom.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bogdan Oprea
What's the most common thing you see in your toilete? Your ass!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bogdan Oprea
Kyle's mama so poor I saw her kicking a can and I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm moving!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mark Shumake
What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet? Last year's hide and seek winner.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike
Two men were trapped on an island when they came across some natives. As they were watching the natives they were captured and brought to the chief of the tribe. The two men were brought up to the chief and he gave them two choices as to their fate. They could either have death or MABOOTA. The first man elected to take MABOOTA. As it turned out MABOOTA in the native language was anal sex. So all of the natives proceeded to have anal sex with the first man. When the second man was asked which choice he wanted he decided to go for death. (He could not stand MABOOTA) To which the chief replied, "death... by MABOOTA."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By A. Nony Moose
A guy goes to confession and tells the priest that he slept with a naked woman. The priest asks him what he did when he slept with her and the guy says - Nothing! The priest says that's OK and he will get his reward. The guy asks the priest what his reward will be and the priest tells him - A bale of hay , you JACKASS!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By RICK
Q. What do women and condoms have in common ???????
A. They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Me
A yellow frog goes to a witch and ask if she can turn him green because all the other frogs make fun of him, so the witch agrees and she turns him green, all except his penis. Te frog is outraged and tells the witch that this is not good. The witch tells the frog that she cannot do anything about it because it is beyond her power and to get it done he will have to go and see the wizard..the frog agrees. Later a pink elephant walks in to ask the witch to turn him grey because all the other elephants make fun of him, she agrees and turns him grey all except his trunk. He tells her that this is even worse and plead with her to turn his trunk grey also, the witch tells him she does not have to power to do this, only the wizard does. So, the elephant ask her how to find the wizard and she tells him to follow the yellow-dick-toad.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Scott Perry
A man walks into the bar looking pretty upset. After ordering his shot, the bartender asks the man what the problem is. The man looks up and says, "I caught my wife sleeping with my best friend!" The bartender gasps, "So what'd you do?" The man replied," I didn't really know what to say to my wife, but I knew what to say to my friend....Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Babs
Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? A. Helliphino.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Krazy
A lady was having sex with a man when her husband came home. She told him to hide in the top drawer of her dresser which was filled with dirty bra's. The next day the same lady was having sex with a differant man when her husband came home. She told him to hide in her middle dresser drawer which was filled with dirty underwear. The day after that the SAME lady was having sex with a differant man when her husband came home. She told him to hide in the bottom drawer which was filled with bloody tampoons. Ten years later the lady remembered the men she hid in the dresser drawers. She opened the first drawer. The man had turned to dust. She opened the second drawer. The man had turned to dust. When she opened the third drawer she saw the man was alive and well. "How did you survive," she asked. "Well ," he said " I ate the cherry donuts you had in the drawer.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Heidi
Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. None. Californians screw in a hot tub.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sexy girl
There was this baby polar bear who kept asking his mom and his dad if he was really a polar bear . Each time they told him yes you really are a polar bear. They got sick of this so one day they asked him why he kept asking them this. The baby said well Peter Penguin said I look like I'm fucking cold.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Baby
What is cheaper beer nuts or deer nuts? Deer nuts are under a buck

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Charlotte-Jean Allen
Little Betty was staying the night at her Uncle Andy's house. They stayed up late and watched scarey movies, so Little Betty was so scared that she would not leave her Uncle Andy's side. Uncle Andy had to go to the bathroom badly and since Little Betty was scared she followed him. When she saw his dick she asked him what it was. Oh, he said it's just my Raggedy Andy. Uncle Andy let Little Betty sleep in his bed but in the morning he wook up in the hospital. He asked Little Betty what happened. Well, she said, Raggedy Andy spit at me so I bit his head off.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
The nurses at the hospital were all laughing about the man in Room 422 because not only was he short, he even had his nickname tatooed on his penis, "SHORTY". One of the gals thought that he was kinda cute and agreed to go out with him on a date after he was released. On the morning after the date, she returned to work so sore that she could hardly walk. The other nurses were really curious and asked her to tell them all about it. She said, "Well, you know that we all laughed about his tattoo?" "Yeah!" they replied. "Well, it was just such a big surprise.", she said, "It really says SHORTY'S BAR AND GRILL - AMARILLO, TEXAS!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By A. Nony Moose
The blonde was telling her girlfriend about her boyfriends accident, "He was working on his house, putting in a new front door when he cut off his finger with the power saw!" Her friend asks, "His whole finger?" And the blonde replies, "No, the one next to it!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By James Hewitt
A guy is in bed with this woman when they hear a key turning in the front door, the woman tells the guy it must be her husband and the guy should hide in the closet.The guy jumps in the closet and a little voice in the closet says" It's dark in here isn't it",the guy says who's there,the voice repIies"I saw you fucking my mommy and I'm going to tell my daddy".The guy persuades the kid to keep quiet and he would give him $50 not to tell anyone.The next day the mother and the kid are out shopping, when the kid sees a new computer game he wants. So he asks his mother if he can have the game, she refuses saying she can't afford it. The kid says thats OK. I can, I've got $50. The mother asks the kid where he got the money from and the kid refuses to tell. So she decides if he wasn't going to tell he would have to go to see the priest and he would find out. So the mother takes the kid to the chapel and throws him in the confessional to speak to the priest, the kid says "It's dark in here isn't it".The priest says "Oh no not you again".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By James Hewitt
What's the difference between a microwave cooker and anal sex?
A microwave doesn't brown your meat.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jessi MacDonald
Q: How do you get 4 old ladies to say "fuck" at the same time?
A: The 5th one yells "bingo"!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ambrose Waterman
Did you hear about the guy who put the puzzle in 5 days? He was so excited because it said on the box 3 to 6 years.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Eric McLaughlin

  1. What is grosser than gross? When a midget walks up to you and tells you your hair stinks.
  2. There was this midget who was always complaining of his nuts hurting him. So he makes an appointment to see a doctor. The doctor comes in the room and tells him to take his pants off and bend over against the table. The midget hears a "snip, snip , snip". The doctor asks "How's that feel?" The midget says "great, whadya' do?" The doctor says "I cut the tops off of your sneakers."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ren
Why can't Ken and Barbie have sex?
'Cause Ken comes in his own box!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Leeph
Q: What do you call 4 lepars in a hot tub?
A: Soup.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Leeph
Q: What's the last thing Ron Goldman said to O.J.?
A: Hey O.J., I've been fucken your old lady. What are ya going to do about it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Leeph
Q: What did the lepar say to the Whore?
A: Keep the tip.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Leeph
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
A: You know, we do taste like chicken.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By AARON SHULL
THREE WOMEN WERE SITTING AT THE BAR. THE FIRST GIRL SAYS THAT I'M SO LOOSE THAT MY BOYFRIEND CAN STICK HIS HOLE ARM UP HER CUNT. THE SECOND GIRL SAYS THAT NOTHING, MY BOYFRIEND CAN STICK A BASEBALL BAT UP HERS. THE THIRD GIRL SAYS THATS NOTHING, MY BOYFRIEND CAN STICK A HOLE SET OF GOLF CLUBS UP HER. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN ALL THREE GIRLS SLIDE DOWN THE POLES.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mike johnson
You go up to someone and say "Did you wake up this morning with a funny taste in your mouth, and a quater in your hand?" they'll say no, then say ''oh, I'm sorry iI forgot to pay you!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By D walz
Do you know how to stop a dog from hunching you leg????? NO! SUCK HIS DICK!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Darcy Adams
Why do blondes drive BMWs.......... Because they can spell it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Scott Schuler
Whats the difference between a dead blonde and a dead skunk on the road.......there are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Donnie Walz
Three Aggies were on a flight to a forein country, when all of the sudden the pilot comes over the intercom and says, "Prepare for a crash landing!" The Aggies looked at one another and didn't know what to do. The first Aggie stripped all of his clothes off. The others looked at him and said, "Why did you take all your clothes off". The first Aggie replied, "If we crash in the ocean my clothes are going to weigh me down and I will drown. Every one agreed, that was fine. The second Aggie picked up the first Aggie's clothes and put them on. The other two Aggies asked, "Why are you putting on his clothes". The second Aggie replied, "If we crash in the mountains, it will be cold. Ya'll are going to freeze to death, and I am going to be warm". The third Aggie didn't know what to do. He looked around the plane and was very puzzled and thought he was going to die, then all of the sudden he saw a black stewardess come walking down the isle. The third Aggie grabbed her, stripped her and started screwing her. The other Aggies were amazed at what there friend was doing. They asked him, "What in world do you think you are doing?" He replied and said, " The first thing they look for is the black box and I want to be in it".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason
Q:What is long hard and full of Seamen?
A: A submarine

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason
Three men walked into a bar the last one ducked!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt Wendth
There are three guys riding in a car. A woman cop pulls them over for speeding and says they can get out of getting a ticket if they pay her $499 dollars in cash. But the guys don't have the money so she says fine if all of your dicks equal 21 inches then you guys can go for free. So they whip their dicks out and the guy in front is 10 inches,the guy next to him is also 10 inches.Then the cop and guys turn around and measure the guy's in back. 1 inch! As they drive away the guy in back lean up and says we are so lucky that I popped a boner.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Reed
Q: What do you call a blond that dyed her hair brown?
A:Artificial intelligence!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
A country bumpkin goes to the big city for the first time. He has heard the other guys tell about going to the whorehouse, so he decides that he'll give it a try. He picks a gal and they get to the room, when she asks what he'd like. He doesn't know much and wants to know what she means. She sez, "Do you want it straight, french, around-the-world, sixty-nine? Waddaya want?" He tells her, "That last one - sixty-nine!" OK, they get in position and she starts, but has to fart - and does! After a bit she has to fart again - and does. A few minutes later she busts another one. He jumps up, grabs his pants and starts pulling them on and she sez, "What are you doing?" He sez back, "I'm getting outta here! I don't think I can take 66 more of those!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By (-:{ EVIL }:-)
"The OJ Trial" by Dr Seuss
I did not kill my lovely wife
I did not slash her with a knife
I did not bonk her on the head
I did not know that she was dead
I stayed at home that fateful night
I took a cab, then took a flight
The bag I had was just for me
My bag! My bag! Hey leave it be
When I came home I had a gash
My hand was cut from broken glass
I cut my hand on broken glass
A broken glass did cause the gash
I have nothing yet to hide
My friend he took me for a ride
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife
I did not, could not kill my wife
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not anytime
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above
I can not even wear that glove
I did not do it with a knife
I did not, could not kill my wife
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not anytime
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn
And to my family whom I love
Hey now I'm free...give back my glove

Smile This Joke was Submitted By EvilMystic
Hard work never killed anybody, But I'm not taking any chances.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Terri
Q: How do you save a drowning man?
A: You take your foot off his head.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know its never happened.

Q: What is a mans idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.

Q: Do you know why there is a hole in a mans penis?
A: So he can get air to his brain.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ED
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND BRUNETE?
A: BLONDE HAS HIGHER MOUNTAINS AND DEEPER VALLIES.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ED
YOUR MAMMA'S SO STUPID SHE WENT TO A SPERM BANK FOR ICE CREAM

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BRYAN B
What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs ?
NICE TITS !!!!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lyndsey
Your Mama is so stupid she thought 2pac shakur was a jewish holiday.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Hamster aka Kent
Whats the difference between a cheerleader and a bowling ball?
You cant fit a cheerleader in a bowling ball!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Steve Nordfelt
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Terresa where driving down the street when they came to a Zebra crossing crowded with people. As they stopped the people at the zebra crossing started abusing them and using profanity. During this Sister Mary turned to Sister Terresa and said with a frighten voice, "What are we going to do?" Sister Terresa replied, "I don't know" Sister Mary then said, "Why don't you show them your cross?". "Thats a good idea", said Sister Terresa. Sister Terresa then wound down the window and said, "F*%k OFF!!!".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe
Your moma's breath is so rank when she speaks she is always talking shit.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ed Sieracki
How does a blonde interprut the number 6.9??
A 69 interupted by a period.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
A patron bets the bartender at Kelly's that he can do 150 push-up in 3 minutes. He starts to do the push-ups and a drunk staggers thru the door, goes up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells the drunk that he is too intoxicated to have any more. The drunk, mad as hell, tells the bartender, "You think I'm too drunk? That ash-hole over there doeshn't even know that hish girlfriend left!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shane Babysh
There was a blonde who died her hair red and was driving down a country road, She sees a shepperd with his sheep. She stopped and asked him, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one. Sure he says. So she said 35. The farmer says thats amazing. so the blonde went to get one, and she brought it to her car. The shepperd said to her "If I can guess what color your hair is can I have my dog back".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JIM
Do you know the difference between a prostitute, a lover and a wife?
A prostitute says, "Faster!, Faster!"
A lover says, "Slower!, Slower!"
And a wife says, "Beige, I think that the ceiling should be painted beige!"


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