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Kelly's Bar Jokes
9
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Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff
If a man speaks in the forest, & there is no woman there to hear him,is he STILL wrong?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Miiga
Your mama's so fat she spits butter.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Susie Hwang
Why did the pirate cross the road?
To get away from the crcodile.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jessica
Why doesn't smokey the bear have any kids?
Every time his wife gets hot he throws dirt on her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jessica
Your mama is so fat that when she wears red people yell "hey Kool-aid."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By daisy
There's this little boy named Jonny. He came home from school really pissed. While walking in his yard he kicked the chicken, his mom saw and said "Jonny, now you can't have chicken for 2 months." Jonny was even more pissed about this so he kicked the pig. His mom saw and said "No ham for 2 months." Jonny walked away and saw his dad coming home. His dad had a really bad day too. Jonnys dad was cursing and he kicked the cat. Jonny looks at his mom and goes "should I tell him or do you want to?" (get it? pussycat?)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Daisy
Q. Why do gay guys have mustaches?
A. To hide the stretch marks!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By "P"
Your mama's so stupid, she went to the movies and saw a sign that said under 17 not admitted. So she went home and got 16 of her friends.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt
Your Mama's so stupid, if she were trapped on a deserted island, and a boat floated ashore, she would smash it up and say, "Wooopie, now I can build a raft.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mark
A russian man was walking down the beach when he kicked a bottle, out popped a big bad genie. Genie said "I'm tired of being kicked around by people like you, you only get 1 wish, make it quick. The Russian thinks and tells genie that I love vodka so much I'd like to pee vodka. Genie said "DONE" & dissapeared. Man goes home to wife and wife says "What do you want to do tonight? His reply was "tonight we drink Vodka go in kitchen, get 2 glasses, wife returns with glasses, man unzippes hes pants and procedes to fill up glass. Holds it up and says "LOOKS LIKE VODKA", smells the glass "Smells like Vodka", takes a sip of the glass "Tastes like Vodka" they got plastered, the next night same thing happens. The third night man come in, wife says "What do you want to do tonight?" Tonight we drink VODKA, go and get 1 glass... Wife says "dont I drink tonight? "YES" was the reply, "Tonight you drink from bottle"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erin
How do you tell which one is Ronald McDonald on a nudist beach?
He's the one with the sesame seed buns.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joey Jerimia
Your Moma's so fat that when she broke her leg gravy poured out.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erin
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erin
Why did the blond get lipstick on her steering wheel?
Because she was giving horn a blow job.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By GEORGI
THERE WAS THREE MEN DOWN IN HELL, THEY WERE BAD BUT NOT AS BAD AS SOME PEOPLE SO THE DEVIL DECIDED TO GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO BE AS HAPPY AS THEY COULD.HE GIVE THEM A CHOICE OF THREE ROOMS. IN THE FIRST ROOM THRE WERE LOTS OF PEOPLE STANDING ON THEIR HEADS ON A STONE FLOOR, IN THE SECOND ROOM THERE WERE LOTS OF PEOPLE STANDING ON THEIR HEADS ON A WOODEN FLOOR, IN THE THIRD ROOM THER WERE LOTS OF PEOPLE WADING AROUND IN BOOTS IN COW SHIT, UP TO THERE KNEES. THE MEN SAID TO EACH OTHER WE KNOW THE SMELL IS BAD BUT AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAND ON YOUR HEADS,SO THEY CHOOSE TO LIVE IN THAT ROOM. AFTER THEY HAD BEEN IN IT FOR 10 MINUTES, A VOICE CAME THROUGH THE SPEAKERS "OK, EVERYONE BREAKS OVER BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By shawn
John:There are three black roosters sitting on a fence, how many beaks do they have?
Sam: 3
John:How many wings do they have?
Sam:6
John: How many legs do they have?
Sam:6
John: A white cat jumps on the fence, how many whiskers does he have?
Sam: I don't know.
John: Well how come you know so much about black cock and nothing about white pussy!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By T-bone Tasha
Man walks into a bar...very upset cause his wife has left him (you see, hes dick is sooo very small) anyway he's drinking his sorrows away when he looks around and sees this little guy dressed in green sitting beside him..the small dick guy picks him up and seys to him...'hey yer a little green irish wish granting fucker arnt ya' and the little green guy seys 'Ay that I might be' so the small dick guy seys ' well seeming Ive just caught ya you have to grant me a wish dont you?! 'Ay that may be' seys the green guy...'well, my wife has just left me cause my dicks too small and I love her and miss her I wish that my penis was bigger' so the green guy seys....'Ill grant yer wish only if you take me round the back in the toilets and fuck me up the arse as hard as you possibly can...' and the small dick guy thinks ...mmm I dont really like this but I miss my wife soooo much ...ok Ill do it!!! So he takes him round the back and proceds to fuck this guy very hard....the little green guy turns around and seys to the guy...'how old are you my son?' and the small dick guy seys 'Im 35' and the green guy seys 'and ya still believe in lepricorns?'

Smile This Joke was Submitted By daryl ansell
A women has been in a coma for nearly a year without any sign of change. One day while washing her, the orderly noticed her heart rate on the monitor increased when he washed her breasts. Not thinking too much of this, the next day the heart monitor when beserk when her washed her pussy. He imediately called the doctor who with great happiness called the husband immediately. The doctor told the husband that there was finally hope to revive his wife. What he had to do was have oral sex with his wife and when she was really excited the medical staff would be able to revive her. The husband agreed and the staff waited outside watching a heart monitor while the husband went to work. Suddenly the monitor went flatline and the staff rushed in screaming what happened I'm not sure said the husband I think she choked.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Timmy Stockdale
Yo mama's so fat her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a milkdud.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar fly
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bob
A guy goes bear hunting in the woods. He sees this big grizzly and shoots at it, but misses. The grizzly comes over and says, "Grr. I will give you two choices. I will either eat you alive, or bend you over and have a little fun." The man thinks, "Okay, maybe I can come back the next day and get my revenge." So, he bends over and walks home bleeding. The second day, he comes by with a bigger gun, shoots, and misses. He goes home bleeding. This goes on for a few weeks, and the bear says, "You don't come here to hunt, do you?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Timmy Stockdale
Yo mama's so fat she stepped on my cats tail and now I call him Beaver.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kps
Your mama so ugly she uses her face for a holleween cookie cutter.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ashley
Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By james
Q: HOW DO YOU CONFUSE A BLONDE?
A: LOCK HER IN A ROUND ROOM AND TELL HER TO SIT IN THE CORNER.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Scott Goodall
A man and his beautiful daughter rented a cabin to fishermen on the lake. One weekend three young men rented the cabin. The only rule the man had was they couldn't fuck his daughter. So before bed that night the man stuck a razor blade up her pussy. The next morning he made the three boys drop their pants and one of the boys dick fell off. So he shot him. The next morning the same thing happened with another boy. On the final morning the man told the last boy to drop his pants. When he did his dick was still there. The man said son I'm proud of you. The boy said thank you and his tongue fell out.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cassandra C.
How do you fix a dish washer?......slap her..

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cassandra C.
Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was busted for drug smuggling at the airport?
Seems she bent over and someone saw fifty pounds of crack... Ha..Ha...Ha

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jamie
Q: why did the two gay guys get fired from the spirm bank?
A:They got caught drinking on the job. Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jamie
Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A newspaper.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Neal Hartley
As one door shuts another one closes.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By vharris642
Everyday a little boy walks by a whore house and there's a whore sittin on the front porch and she waves her pinkie at him and says, "hey little boy that's about the size of it ain't it." So the little boy goes home and asks his older brother what it meant and he told him, the next day he walked by the whore house again and the same whore was out on the porch again she does the same thing as the day before so he goes and asks his brother what he can say back he tells him and the next day the whore asks him, "Hey little boy that's about the size of it ain't it." and he replys by opening his mouth realy wide and saying ,"hey lady that's about the size of it ain't it."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Timmy
Your mama's so fat that when she went to the zoo elephants started throwing penuts at HER.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Courtney Cook
Q. What has four legs and flys?
A. A picnic table!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Scott Kelly
There was this lonley guy in bar who began talking to me, he said see that bikestand over there? I made it with my own hands but do they call me the Bikestand maker? Hell no and see that fence over there? Beautiful job do people call me the Fence Maker? hell no but you Molest one goat.........

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jarrod Case
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michael Pal
Your mama is so fat that when she jumped into the air, she got stuck.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Linda
Woman: Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.
Doctor: What Have you been taking for it.
Woman: Pepper

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andrew Craig
Your mama's so dumb it takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tom
A fellow goes to the Doctor and says "You gotta help me with these terrible headaches" After examining him the doc replies"The good news is I know whats causing your headaches. the bad news is your balls are pressed against your spine and the only thing I can do is castrate you." I'll have to think about that the fellow says and goes home. After days of no sleep, not being able to work or even eat he returns to the doctor and says "Ok, cut'em off. After the deed is done he returns home and mopes. After days of moping his wife say get the hell out of the house. Go fishing go shopping anything to stop that damned mope. The guy leaves and finds himself in a clothiers store. the clerk asks, "Can I help you?" guy responds "Well I've been awfully depressed..." Clerk responds "How about a new suit of clothes? A new suit of clothes always makes a man feel better!" "OK" guy replies. Clerk says that'll be a 44 jacket and hands one to guy, a perfect fit guy thought to himself. Clerk returns momentarily and said 16 1/2 33 shirt. Guy puts it on and it is another perfect fit. clerk says now for trousers 34 x 36 and hands them to Guy. Another perfect fit and Guy finally comments "Your really good." Clerk says "Thank you sir but it is what I do for a living I have to be good at it. Now for underwear sir. That will be 34 boxers. Guy gasps and says "No your wrong this time I wear briefs" Clerk responds "No sir you can't do that...if you wear briefs they will press your balls against your spine and give you a terrible headache all the time!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By CHETNIK-?
What do you do when a Croation throws a grenade?
Pull the Pin and throw it back!!!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By coll in all cars
Your mamas so stuiped she thought a quaterback was a refund.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By GINELL
Your mammas so fat she took a spoon to the super bowl

Smile This Joke was Submitted By laura
There was a man sitting at a bar and the bartender said "I'll make a bet with you, I'll give you $200 if you can piss into that shotglass without a drop spilling over." The man said ok I'll take your bet" So the man pulled down his fly and started pissing all over the bar and the bartender without one drop making it into the shotglass. The bartender was just standing there smiling because he knew that he had won. When he was done the bartender said "Ha Ha you owe me $200" The man said "Ok" and gave it to him then he said "Oh yea do you see those guys over there I just bet them $500 each that I could piss on you and you would like it!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jessica Kelly.
How do you know a blond's been having a bad day?
There's a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mistah Cee
Your mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Your mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said one...one..one fat bitch!
Your mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said "please step out of the vehicle"
Your mama's so fat, she can't wear Malcom X jackets 'cause helicopters keep trying to land on her back.
Your mama's so fat, a car swirved to miss her and ran out of gas!
Your mama's lips so big Mick Jagger said "Damn that bitch got some big lips!"
Your mama's so fat, first she fills the tub, and then she turns on the water.
Your mama's teeth are so yellow she can butter a whole loaf of bread.
Your mama's so fat, she can't wear a raincoat. Little kids think she's the school bus

Indefensible responses:
Okay, okay, let's get off the moms...I just got off yours!
I don't have no mama, me and my daddy share yours!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By SMEED
WHAT DOES EVERY ELMO GET BEFORE HE LEAVES THE FACTORY?
ANSWER: 2 TEST TICKLES!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By *SPL*
A man walks into a bar and says I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cows balls and a fat man walks up and pulls down his pants and says mow mow buckarou.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Viper
Do you know what those bumps are around a ladies nimple? It's brail for:"Suck Here!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Viper
GrandPa takes Grandson fishing, out in the boat, grandpa opens a beer. Grandson asks: Can I have some? GrandPa: Can your dick reach your asshole? Grandson looking with a question on his face: No Grandpa: Well you can't have none, then...he finishes his beer and lights up a big hooter....Grandson asks: Can I have some? Grandpa responds: Can your dick reach your asshole yet? Grandson:No Well they wind up the trip and head home, they stop at a Quicky Mart and get some soda and some scratch off lotto tickets, Grandpa loses....Grandson wins 5000 bucks...Grandpa askes: you gonna share that? Grandson responds: Can YOUR dick reach your asshole? Grandpa thinking he'll get him here: Why, yes it can! Grandson: Well, go fuck yourself then!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kellie Ashfold
There was a blonde and she was sick and tired of hearing blonde jokes so she decided to cut her hair short and become a brunette. After she did this she went for a drive in the country and eventually she came across a farmer in a paddock with a flock of sheep. The blonde went up to the farmer and said, "I have a proposition for you. If i can guess how many sheep you have can I have one?" "Yeah sure." the farmer replied. "385" was the blondes answer. "You are right" the farmer said. The blonde went and got a sheep and returned to her car and was about to pull away when the farmer came to her and said. "I have a proposition for you. If i can guess the colour of your hair can I have my dog back!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By hell raiser
NAME TWO THINGS THE POLISH INVENTED? AN EJECTION SEAT IN A HELLIOCOPTER AND A SOLAR POWERED FLASH LIGHT!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Craig
A fish looks up a sees a fly floating on top of the water. He says to himself "If that fish drops 6 inches, I get a free lunch!" A Bear sees the fly, then sees the fish, he says " if the fly drops 6 inches the fish gets the fly, I get the fish." A hunter sees the bear, sees the fly, sees the fish. He says "fly drops six inches fish gets the fly, bear gets the fish, I kill the bear." A mouse sees the fly,the fish,the Bear, and the hunter, the mouse says "that fly drops 6 inches, the fish gets the fly, bear gets fish, hunter kills the bear, and i get the hunters tuna sandwhich. Meanwhile a cat sees the mouse then sees the Fly,fish,bear, and hunter. He says "that fly drops 6 inches,the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter kills the bear, the mouse gets the the tuna sandwhich, I get the mouse!! So the fly drops six inches, the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter kills the bear, the mouse gets the tuna sandwhich. The cat goes after the mouse, but the mouse runs into the water and the cat followed and got all wet. Wanna know the morale of the story? A fly drops 6 inches, you wind up with a wet pussy!!!!!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Damien J Isaacs
Why do they call a pap smear a pap smear?
Because nobody would turn up for the cunt scrape.
Pick up line- Honey as long as I have a face, you have got a seat.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Big Bill
Q. How do you know if an Aisian has robbed your home?
A. The cat is gone and the kid's homework is done.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Big Bill
Q. What do your say to an Abo in a suit? A. Will the defendant please rise.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Annon.
A man walks into a bar and see's a Chimpanzee setting on at the bar. He says to the Bartender "what's the Deal with the Chimpanzee. The bartender looks at him as says "this is a special Chimpanzee and it gives blowjobs do you want to see? The man says sure, the bartender picks up a bat and goes over to the Chimpanzee and hits him in the head really hard (knocking the Chimp to the floor) Then the Chimp runs behind the bar and gives the Bartender a B.J. After the Chimp is finished he runs back around the bar and sits back down. The Bartender looks over at the Patron and says "you want to try it?" The man says "Ok but please don't hit me as hard."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Curtis Earl
Your girfriend is so ugly that it takes her two tickets to go to the zoo: 1 to get in and 1 to get out!
Your mama is so nasty, I had phone sex with her and got an ear infection.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ralph Henneman
There was a man trying to rob the goods out of a rich family's house. He was picking the family's jewels and all of a sudden he heard Jesus is watching you. The robber looked around and decided that it was just his concious and then proceeded to steal the jewels. He then heard the voice again, but this time he was more startled and he asked who had said that. "I did", came the reply. Who did came the robber. Then he discovered that it was the family's parrot. He asked the parrot what his name was. Tha parrot said that his name was Frank. The robber asked the parrot who would name a parrot Frank? The same people who would name a rottwieler Jesus.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Richard Periut, M.D.
What did the shower say to the toilet ? "So short and full of shit!" What did the toilet respond to the shower? "So tall and such a cry baby"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By T.Tyler
Q. Why do blonds have tilted steering wheels.
A. For more head room.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By steve barry
What do an aeroplane and a peroxide blonde woman have in common?
They've both got black boxes.
You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor slapped your mother.
My wife is so fat, I asked her to fart to give me a clue.
My hometown is so shitty, we had an earthquake and it caused 20,000,000 worth of improvements.
Two vagrants were sitting on a bench, when one says, "Have you shat your pants?", the second says "Nope?" so the first demands to see his underwear and sure enough, they're full of shit. "See, you have shat your pants." says the first, "Oh," says the second, "I thought you were talking about today."
Two gay blokes are in a bar, one says, "Hey, I can smell spunk." the second says "Yeah, sorry, I just farted."
Two blokes were talking in a pub, the first said "How's your wife?" the second says, "I killed her and buried her in my garden with her arse sticking out of the ground." The first says "You what? Why???" the seconds says "Well my bike stand broke the other day..."
Two men were playing golf and the first says "What do you do for a living?" The seconds says "I'm an assasin." The first disbelieveing says, "Let's have a look at your gun then." So the assasin shows him his gun and invites him to have a look. The man looks through the sights and sees his house in the distance, looks at the bedroom window and sees his wife naked with the postman. "How much do you charge?" shouts the enraged man. "1000 per bullet." says the assasin. "I want you to put one bullet through my slut wife's head and one bullet right through that blokes dick." The assasin agrees and spends ten minutes squinting through the sights. "What are you waiting for then?" asks the man, the assasin turned to the man and said "I'm just trying to save you a thousand pounds!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Toby
Q:A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa were having a race, who won? A:The dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist.
Q:A brunette and a blonde fell off a cliff, who hit the ground first? A:The brunette because the blonde had to ask for directions.
Q:What do you call 20 blondes standing in a row? A: An air tunnel.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cleve Justice
How do you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cleve Justice
What do you call a lesbian dinasaur? Ilicalatapus

Smile This Joke was Submitted By eric sullinger
Your mama is so fat I had a full tank of gas and ran out halfway around her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By eric sullinger
Your mama is so ugly i took her to the zoo and the guy up front said thanks for bringing her back.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By FRANK G.
A LITTLE BOY IS WALKING DOWN A COUNTRY ROAD WITH A PIECE OF CHICKENWIRE IN HIS HAND HE WALKS BY THE FARMER AND THE FARMER SAYS TO HIM "SON WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT CHICKENWIRE?" AND THE LITTLE BOY RESPONDS "I'M GOING TO CATCH ME SOME CHICKENS" THE FARMER RESPONDS "SON DON'T YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T CATCH CHICKENS WITH CHICKENWIRE?" THE BOY RESPONDS "YES I CAN" SO THE FARMER SAYS "OK IF YOU SAY SO" SO AN HOUR LATER THE SAME BOY COMES WALKING DOWN THE ROAD WITH ARMFUL OF CHICKENS. THE FARMER SAYS TO HIM "SON YOU CAUGHT ALL THEM CHICKENS ON THAT CHICKENWIRE?" THE BOY SAYS "YEP" THE FARMER SAYS "OK". THE NEXT DAY THE SAME LITTLE BOY WALKING DOWN THE SAME ROAD THIS TIME HE IS CARRYING A PIECE OF DUCKTAPE WALK UP ON THE SAME FARMER AND THE FARMER SAYS "SON WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCKTAPE?" THE BOY RESPONDS "I'M GOING TO CATCH ME SOME DUCKS" THE FARMER SAYS "YOU CAN'T CATCH DUCKS WITH DUCKTAPE!!" THE BOY SAYS "YES I CAN WATCH ME" SO THE FARMEWR SAYS "OK SON". SO A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER THE BOY RETURNS WITH AN ARMSFUL OF DUCKS THE FARMER SAYS TO HIM "YOU CAUGHT ALL THOSE DUCKS WITH THAT DUCKTAPE" THE LITTLE BOY SAYS "YEP" THE FARMER SAYS "OK" . THE NEXT DAY THE SAME LITTLE BOY IS WALKING DOWN THE SAME ROAD AND HE HAS A PUSSYWILLOW IN HIS HAND WALKS UP ON THE FARMER AND THE FARMER SAYS "HOLD ON SON LET ME GO GET MY HAT"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Click here
Why did the boy fall off the swing?
Because he was dead.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe-blow
It aint easy being a dick! I've got a head I can't think with! An eye I can't see out of....... I have to hang around with two nuts all the time...... My closest neighbor is an asshole! and my best friend is a pussy! Worst of all my owner beats me all the time!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ray Todd
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ray Todd
A pretty woman is driving down a Arkansas country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the Arkansas farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world? " They say, "Huh?" She explains what she wants to do, then says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that woman who came by here, oh, about forty years ago, the one who showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John
Superman is flying when he sees Wonder Woman lying naked on the top of a building. He says "I'll go screw her." So he flys onto her, makes out and flys away. During this whole thing she was asleep. After Superman flys away she says"What was that?" Invisible man says "I dunno, but my butt sure hurts!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Frederick
A guy and a woman are having sex when the lady's husband walks in the door. She says "Quick! Jump out the window." So the guy jumps out the window,totally naked, and the Boston Marathon just happenes to be passing by. After a while the guy he is running next to says"Do you always run naked?" "Yes" the naked guy says. Then the other guy asks him "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Only,"he replies"when it looks like rain."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Frederick
A Martian couple lands on a remote farm in Idaho. An earth couple comes out to greet them. They have dinner together and decide to switch partners for a night. That night when the martian man and Earth woman go into the bedroom, the mars guy pulls down his pants and he has a tiny,tiny dick. The lady says well that isn't very big. Then the Mars guy twists his left ear and it grows about 2 feet.But it's still as thin as a pencil. Then he twists his right ear and it gets as thick as a sausage. Then they do it. The next morning the Earth lady asks her husband how it went. he says "It was fine except she kept playing with my ears."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Brian Mann
Your mama is like a boxer she bent down and gave me two blows to the head.
Your mama like a race car she burns 4 rubbers a night.
Your mama like a shotgun two cocks and she's ready to blow.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By phoenix
A woman walks into a restaurant in a small town in the country. She orders chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she begins to choke on a chicken bone. Two country boys sitting in the next table sees her choking and one gets up to help her. The first boy pulls down his overalls and the other boys starts to lick the first boys ass in front of the woman. The woman watches the two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the bone from her throat. The first country boy pulls up his overalls and says to the other,"You're right Billy Bob, that hind-lick manouver works like a charm!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By phoenix
"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp----only to discover a cucumber in his hand. "Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?!" "Honey! Let me explain!" "Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a bitch!" "Speaking of sneaky!", he interrupted, "maybe you'd care to explain our 3 kids!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe Tocco
A Marine walks into a bar for a quick drink. He is telling the bartender that there is not many things that challange him anymore. The bartender tells him: I will give you a free tab is you can meet my challange! The Marine asks what's involved (he never backsdown from anything). The bartender tells him he has three challanges to meet. First, the big biker at the end of the bar has to be knocked out with one punch. Secondly, my Pitbull, out in the alley, has an abscessed tooth that needs to be pulled and all you get is this pair of pliers. Finally, my landlord is an 80 year old women that has not had sex since 1946, you need to go upstairs and screw her. The Marine says "No Sweat!" He walkes to the end of the bar, taps the biker on the shoulder and as he turns around the Marine nails him square on the chin and knockes him out cold. The Marine turns around walks thru the bar to the back door and outside. For the next ten minutes the bartender hears his dog yelping and whining in pain. It finally stop and the Marine comes back inside the bar and says, "OK, where the old lady with the abcessed tooth!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe Tocco
What's the difference between a "Pick-pocket" and a "Peeping Tom?"
A Pick-pocket snatches watches.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By antiqa
why do french-canadians fuck doggie-style? so they can both can watch the hockey game

Smile This Joke was Submitted By nick
Your so ugly your mom had to tie a steak around your neck to get the dog to play with you!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mitchell Evans
A man walks to a magic mirror and says, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my penis touch the floor." So his legs fell off.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mitchell Evans
Jesus walks into a bar and the bartender goes, "Oh my God!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bubba S
Your mother is like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BOBCAT
A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR WITH A PAPER BAG AND GOES UP TO THE BARTENDER AND BETS HIM HE CAN PULL A 12 INCH MAN OUT OF THE SACK THE BARTENDER SAYS HE' LL GIVE HIM A BEER IF HE DOES SO THE GUY OPENS THE SACK AND A LITLE MAN WALKS OUT THEN THE GUY SAYS I CAN ALSO MAKE HIM PLAY THE PIANO THE BARTENDER AGREES TO GIVE THE GUY ANOTHER BEER IF HE CAN MAKE THE LITTLE MAN PLAY A PIANO SO THE GUY PULLS OUT A LITTLE PIANO AND THE LITLE MAN STARTS PLAYING IT AND THE BARTENDER IS SIMPLY AMAZED AND ASKS THE MAN HOW HE OBTAINED SUCH A SMALL MAN THE GUY REPLIED I WISHED FOR IT FROM MY GENEE THE BARTENDER ASKS THE MAN IF HE CAN ASK THE GENEE FOR A WISH THE GUY SAYS SURE SO THE BARTENDER THINKS FOR A MINUTE AND WISHES FOR A MILLION BUCKS AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN THEIR ARE A MILLION DUCKS IN HIS BAR THE BARTENDER GETS ALL PISSED OFF AND SAYS WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS I ASKED FOR A MILLION BUCKS THE GUY LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS YOU DONT THINK I REALY ASKED FOR A 12 INCH PIANIST DO YOU.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave and Josh
( MY WAY OF THINKING) I WOULD RATHER BE A PUD PULLER THAN A PETER PUFFER.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ken DeBolt
Your mama's so fat, they wouldn't let her wear a Malcom X jacket because helicopters kept trying to land on her back.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andy
Your mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles came out

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tamie
Your so ugly your mama tied a pork chop around your neck and the dog still wouldn't play with you.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tom Quek
One day, the Lone Ranger was captured by the Indians; and the Indian Chief says, "We are going to kill you, but we will grant you three wishes before you die." So, as a wish, Lone Ranger calls his trusty horse, Silver, over and whispered in his ear. Silver took off running and came back with a blonde. The Chief loan him use of his teepee. After an hour, Lone Ranger came out and whispered Silver's ear; Silver took off and came back with a red head. The Chief again loan him the use of his teepee. After an hour, Lone Ranger came out and again whispered into Silver's ear; He said, "Silver, I said Get POSSE, this is our last chance."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Huck Finn
Q: What's the difference between a job and a wife ?
A: After five years, the job still sucks !

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TYGUY
What do you call the useless skin surrounding the vagina?
ANSWER: THE BLONDE

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JASON PORT
Why did the condom fly across the room?
A: It got pissed off.
Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me iam going in.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason Huffman
yo mama is so fat while I was licking her out my hat fell in so I went in after it, and while I was in there I met an indian and I asked him have you seen my hat and he goes heck with your hat, have you seen my horse?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By domenica
Two farmers found a pig, they both claimed it. They decided to kick the hell out of each other for five minutes each until one gave up. The one who would give in, lost the pig. Farmer number 1 told farmer number 2 "Go ahead, you first". Farmer No. 2 started kicking farmer No.1. After 5 minutes, farmer No. 2 stops and says "It is your turn now but I changed my mind. Just keep the fucking pig".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kris
your mammas so fat your cousens call her ant artica

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris
Your mamma's so fat, when I finished shagging her I rolloed over twice, and was still on top of her!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By rooooot
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
Damned we do taste like chicken!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeremy
Q:What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
A: All you can eat for under a buck

Smile This Joke was Submitted By "Notch"
Your mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.
Your mama so fat she sat on a rainbow and skiddles burst out.
Your mama so fat she uses the highway for a slip n' slide

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe Bull
Jesus walks into a hotel and hands the manager some nails and says, "Can you put me up for the night."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeremy
Q.How do blondes like their eggs in the morning.
A. Unfertilized.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By beany
Your mama's so ugly even the bed bug's won't sleep with her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Barbara Sorensen
What do you call O.J. Simpson, Magic Johnson, and Mike Tyson all in one room together?
The butcher, The Laker, and The license plate maker.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh
Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?
A. He was stuck in the chicken!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BaldyYour mama's breath is so foul, she needs a tic-tac with a battery.
Your mama's so stupid, she thought you had to lick food stamps.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By pj poo
A blonde is just like a piece of chicken you eat the meat and throw out the bone.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Eric Raymond
One day this guy wanted to start his own farm so he went to a sales barn to buy some animals so he says "I'LL TAKE ONE ROOSTER" and the guy says we don't call it a rooster we call it a cock "OK I'LL TAKE ONE COCK" so he's lookin around lookin around and says "I'll TAKE ONE CHICKEN " well we don't call it a chicken we call it a pullet" OK I'LL TAKE ONE PULLET " so he's lookin around and lookin around and he says "I'LL TAKE ONE DONKEY" well we don't call it a donkey we call it an ass "OK I'LL TAKE ONE ASS" but there is one thing about the ass, it gets stuburn so if it does you have to tickle it, so he gets walkin down the road and his ass gets stuburn and this hot chick comes along and says is there anything I can do for you and he says "HOLD MY COCK AND PULLET WHILE I TICKLE MY ASS"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kimberly
Why did the blond get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away all the Ws

Smile This Joke was Submitted By scorpio
Your house is so nasty I walked in and saw cockroaches hang-gliding on dorito chips.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim A
Why did the cyclops have to quit teaching school?
Because he only had one pupil.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim A
Your mama's so fat she had to be baptised at Sea World.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jane Quinn
This guy goes into a cake shop and going up to the assistant asks if they have any gatucks cake. The assistant replies oh you mean Gat-oh. She gets it for him and when he pays says Come again soon. The man replies I will in my boll-oh

Smile This Joke was Submitted By KJNBOY
This scientist clones himself, and everyone's happy because it's a big scientific breakthrough. Well, the doctor and the clone start living, when the doctor realizes that the clone has a really dirty mouth and is cussing all the time. Well, the doctor had enough of it, and takes the clone to the roof and throws him off. The police came and arrested him for making and obscene clone fall. (obscene phone call)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Big Nasty
A guy walks into a bar and orders a dozen tequillas. The bartender lines them up and says, "That's a lot of alcohol son, what's the occasion?" The guys smiles and says, "yeah, first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well that's damn exciting! How about four more on the house?" The guy says, "No, if these first 12 don't get that taste out of my mouth, nothing will!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason Norris
What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tom
An elderly man was walking down the road when he spotted a frog. The frog said, "If you will kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The old man thought this interesting, so he picked up the frog and put it into his pocket. The frog began to thrash about in his pocket so he took it out. The frog said, "Don't you understand? If you will kiss me I will turn into a beautiful young princess and you can have your way with me." Again, the old man put the frog into his pocket and continued walking. Now the frog was really upset and very aggitated. The old man again removed the frog from his pocket. The frog said, "All you have to do is kiss me and I will turn into a beautiful princess and I will do ANYTHING for you. I will be yours forever. Kiss me and I'm yours--can't you understand?" The old man said, "Yes, I understand, but at my age I would just as soon have a talking frog."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bo
This guy walks into this bar and orders 6 shots of brandy. As soon as the bartender gives him his 6 shots the guy drinks them down as fast as he can. when he is finished the bartender asks: "Why did you drink them so fast" and the guy replies " you would too if you only had 39 cents

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ROBERT POWELL
Yo Mama, Is soooooo.... NASTY that she puts ice down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By derek mickey
There are three third grade girls a blond, burnette and a red haired girl which one has the bigest tits? The blond she's 18
What is the differance between a blond and a bitch?
The blond will fuck anyone but the bitch will fuck anyone but you.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gavin
Your mama's so stupid on a job application when she saw sign here she wrote..Capricorn

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dan Johnson
A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a parrot. While he is looking at these parrots and one starts talking to him. The parrot says, sir why don't you buy me and the man asks why. The bird replies, well when you go off to work in the morning and return in the afternoon I can tell you what is happening in your house and in fact I am on sale. The man asks why. The bird replies I have no legs. The man asks then how are you on that perch. The bird replies I have my pecker wrapped around it. So the man buys the bird, goes off to work and comes home in the afternoon and asks the bird what had happened today. The bird replied,well,the mailman came, the man asks, yeah and what else.The bird replied,he started kissing your wife.The man said yeah and what else.The bird replied again, they started taking each others clothes off. The man said yeah and what else. The bird replied I don't know I popped a boner and fell off the damn perch.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TiTo(D-MeNtEd)
Yo mama teeth are so yellow, I can't beleive it's not butter!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Puckin' Furdue
A man went to a doctor and said, "Doctor, help me! My dick is orange. The doctor says, "Well let me run some tests. He came back later and told the man, "Everything seems to be just fine. Please, tell me what you do in your spare time? The man replied, "Well I don't do much else than eat Cheetos and watch pornos.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ELLEN
YOUR MAMA'S FEET ARE SO NASTY, YOU HAVE CORN FOR EVERY MEAL.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ELLEN KWAN
YOUR MAMA IS SO FAT, SHE HAS MORE ROLLS THAN A BREAD SHOP

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Karen Parry
Your momma is so fat, she has to iron her pants in the driveway.
Your momma's cooking is so raunchy, the garbage disposal threw up.
Your momma's cooking is so raunchy, you pray after you eat.
Your momma's cooking is so raunchy, the flys flew out and fixed the screen door behind them.
Your momma's cooking is so raunchy, the cockroaches are anarexic.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By chico
You are just like a squirrel, you always got nuts in your mouth. Yo mom is like a shotgun one cock and she blows.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh
Q: What do you do if four gay guys walk into a bar and there is only 1 stool left?
A:turn the stool over.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeeshwaw
There were these four guys sitting in a gay bar and they all heard a deep rumbling fart then they all heard another and one more, then they all heard a little sqeak and the first says: "ok who's the virgin

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeeshwaw
There was a pig who walked into a bar and drank about five bears afterwards, he asked the bartender where the bathroom was because he really had to go, then when he left the second pig came in and drank about twenty five bears and then asked for the bathroom, then finally the third pig came and drank everything in the building and then the bartender said: let me guess you have to use the bathroom and the pig said no thanks I'll just wee wee wee all the way home.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BEAUTIFUL BLONDE
A MAN IS WALKING THROUGH A FOREST, WHEN HE COMES UPON A CASTLE. HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND A CHINESE MAN ANSWERS. "MAY I STAY HERE? I'M TIRED." THE CHINESE MAN LOOKS AT HIM AND REPLYS "AS LONG AS YOU DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER. OR I'LL PUT YOU TO THE THREE CHINESE TORTURE TESTS." "OK" SAYS THE MAN. AS HE IS WALKING TO HIS ROOM HE SEES THE DAUGHTER. SHE IS FINE! SO HE SNEAKS INTO HER ROOM. THREE HOURS LATER HE COMES OUT AND RETURNS TO SLEEP IN HIS ROOM. WHEN HE WAKES UP THERE IS A HUGE ROCK ON HIS CHEST. ON THE ROCK A NOTE READS "FIRST CHINESE TORTURE TEST ROCK ON CHEST." HE PICKS UP THE BOULDER AND THROWS IT OUT THE WINDOW. A NOTE NEAR THE WINDOW SAYS "SECOND CHINESE TORTURE TEST. RIGHT TESTICLE TIED TO ROCK." THE MAN JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW AND ON THE WAY DOWN GRABS THE ROCK. A NOTE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROCK SAYS "THIRD CHINESE TORTURE TEST. LEFT TESTICLE TIED TO BEDPOST."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By C. MERET
Q: WHAT DID ONE LESBIAN FROG SAY TO THE OTHER LESBIAN FROG? A: "THEY'RE RIGHT. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dickie Schwantz
Two carrots were walking down the street when ome of them stepped off the curb and got run over by a truck. The ambulance came and took him to the emergency room and while he was there, his buddy was in the waiting room. After several hours, the doctor came out and the buddy rushed up to see how he was doing. the doctor said,"We managed to save him, but he'll be a VEGETABLE for the rest of his life."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Doe
kelly's mama is so fat that when she saw a wreck she provided the jaws of life.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rhinox
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your significant other will always blow your bonus.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rhinox
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your significant other will always blow your bonus.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kalle
asldhghfhgshkdhkfg. Thats japan and it means, that you are stoopid!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kalle
Who likes patong...Juha A!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mikko Pitkonen
Why doesn't the King Roll like patee...because it has some glutein!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Keith Gauker
Your moma is so poor, I walked in your house asked her what's for dinner? She jumped up on the table spread her legs and said fish!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Carl
Q: What did the girl say when she was asked "why do you have a Goldfish in your pocket?"
A: I wanted to smell like a big girl.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Carl
Q: what did the little girl say when she was asked " why do you have a Goldfish in your pocket?" A: She replied " I just wanted to smell like a big Girl"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Red Dogg
Your momma is so stupid she failed a blood test.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Red Dogg
Your momma is so stupid she failed a blood test.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By James Redman
Your momma is so stupid she failed a blood test.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Samuel garcia
What does a blone put behind her ear to make her self more attractive?.... her ankles

Smile This Joke was Submitted By UNKNOWN
What has 240 teeth and holds a beast? My zipper!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Duchess
A man brakes out of jail. They ask him; "why did you brake out of jail?" he says; "I wanted to get married" They say; "Wow, you sure do have a strange concept of freedom!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By KEITH
OK IF 7-ELEVEN IS OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK AND 24 HOURS A DAY AND 365 DAYS A YEAR ....THEN WHY DO THEY HAVE LOCKS ON THEIR DOORS???

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Adam
2 guys go into a bar, one goes to take a piss and the other says take one for me will you. The guy comes back, punches the other guy and says you never said you had to take a shit.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Adam
what do you call a blond that is bending over?
A brunette with bad breath.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ivana Tinkle
Your mammas like a dog, all it does is lick, bite and begs for more!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Blake Hale
Yo mammas like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shlong
Q: What's transparent and lies in the ditch?
A: An indian with the shit kicked out of him.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gosta Zetterberg
Your mamas' breath is so foul, when she talks her teeth duck.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Debbie Weinel
Your mama's so stupid she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out the W's.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By justin (k)
There is a black guy walking down the beach and hits his toe on something hard and he looks to see what it is and it was a lamp so he wipes it off and out came a genie and the black guy asks if he is realy a genie and he goes I will grant you 1 wish so think about it real hard then the black guy goes I want you to build me a highway from here to africa but the genie goes well that might be a little hard so think about another wish so the black guy goes alright I want my next kid to be a genius then the genie goes do you want that two lanes or four?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By hue jass
Yo mamas so fat, she stepped onto a scale and it said one at a time please.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Elzy
What is red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
What is green and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.
What is blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket holding its breath.
What is clear and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket playing hide and seek.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Elzy
What is brown and sticky? A stick.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Elzy
A bull walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender declines, telling the bull that they don't serve animals. The bull leaves the bar a little pissed off. The next night he comes in and makes the same request for a beer and is once again denied. Now he is starting to get quite angry, but nevertheless leaves. The third night he comes in and calmly makes his request for a beer. He is knocked back by the same excuse so, without another word leans forward and takes a huge bite out of the bar then leaves. On the fourth night he comes back and orders a beer. The bartender says no, we don't serve drug addicts. The bull has a puzzled look on his face and asks what the hell he was talking about. The bartender says, what about that barbituate last night???

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ryan jacobe
Black man - finds lamp - rubs - three wishes - want to be white, soft, surrounded by pussy - turns into a tampon.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ryan jacobe
Tom: Why did the chicken cross the road?
John: To get to the other side.
Tom: No, to get the chinese newspaper. Get it?
John: No.
Tom: Me neither, I get The Herald.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Stud
What did the electrician say to the carpenter? Look, do you have carpet on your back or do you need a shave?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Stud
A horse walks into a pop machine and spits out $8.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ross
Your mother is so fat that when her beeper goes off in stores, people think that she is backing up.....

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ?????????
There was three guys waiting in line to go to heaven. Saint Peter says, "Heaven is kinda full right now if you can give me a good reason and how you died I'll let you in" so they all agree. Yhe first guy goes and says this " I came home early from work cause I heard my wife was having an affair, so I walked in the door and I saw her in bed naked. I asked her why she was home. She said she was sick. So I went out on the balcony and saw a guy hanging off the side so I start beating his hands with a sledge hammer and he fell but a bush broke his fall. so I take my refrigerator and throw it on him but durring all this I have a heart attack and die." So Saint Peter nods his head and lets him in. The second guy walks up and tells his story "I was practicing gymnastics on my balcony when I feel and grabbed on some guys balcony and he comes out and starts hitting my hands with a sledge hammer so I fall but a bush broke my fall then he throws his refigerator on me. so I died." Saint Peter nods his head and lets him in. The third guy comes up and says, "I was butt-naked in a refrigerator"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erika
YO mama is like a hardware store, 10 cents a screw.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tim
Q:Why do blondes wear underwear?
A:To keep their ankes warm.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By baby geeners
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a wall? Art!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs behind a boat? Skip!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs swimming? Bob!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your mailbox? Bill!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Aaron Jensen
Let's do a math equation. Start with a room, Add a bed, subtract our clothes, devide your legs and multiply!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sarah
There was a guy walking down the road when he came upon a majic genie lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out came a genie. "You have three wishes, but be careful!" The man thought and thought. He was black, and people were racist, so he said, "I want to be white." he thought some more and realized he had no friends. "I want to be popular!" and he didn't have any girlfriends so he said, "I want to be around women." The genie said, "Are you sure?" "Yes!" "Are you really sure?" Yes!" "Are you REALLY sure?" "Yes, damn it! I want to be white, populer, and around women!" he screamed. The genie pointed his finger, said a few majic words, and the man turned into a bra.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sarah
There was once this Indian guy and he didn't like his name so he went to the chief and asked him if he could change it. "No!" the chief said, "You know our custom! After the woman gives birth she looks out of the Tepee and names the child after the first thing she sees." the man sighed and said, "Well, thanks anyway, Chief Running Deer." The chief replied, "You're welcome, Two Dogs Fucking."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sarah
There were three homeless guys walking down the street when they got very hungry. They saw a REALLY REALLY REALLY fat lady sitting on her porch. They went up and asked for some food. "You can only have food if you will have sex with me." she said. Two of the men agreed, the other did not. The first man went in the house and on his way to the bedroom he saw a peeled banana. He picked it up and instead of having sex with her he just used the banana. After sex before she could realize, he threw it out the window. The second guy came in and saw a candy-cane. He used that and threw it out the window. The woman said it was the best she had ever had and gave the men all the food they could carry. The two men went outside and saw the third man. They offered him food but he said, "No, while you were in there I found this banana and candy cane laying right under the window. It was the best food I ever had!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sarah
One evening a man came into a bar and said to the bartender "No matter what, DO NOT let me get drunk!" the bartender was curious so he mixed all of the strogest drinks together and the man got drunk and went home. The next morning he came back and started screaming at the bartender. The bartender said, "I don't see what the big problem is." the man yelled, "I went home and blew chunkss all night long!" The bartender said, "So what? Everyone does that." the man replied, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By George Burns
Your momma's teeth are so yellow, "I can't believe there not butter!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melissa
There was a man that came home from work, and had a really bad day. His wife said, "Honey, the car broke down, I need you to fix it!" He said, "What do I look like Fuckin Mr. GoodWrench?" The next day he comes home in an even worse mood, and his wife asked him to fix the washer, and he said "What do I look like, Fuckin Mr. Maytag?". Then the next day he come home in a great mood and offered to fix the stuff she had asked him to and, she told him she had another guy to do it, and for payment I had to fuck him or bake him a cake and he asked her what kinda cake did she bake him, and she said,"What do I look like Fucking Betty Crocker"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sam
What bird represents the United States? The bald eagle.
What bird represents wisdom? The owl.
What bird represents love? The dove.
What bird represents TRUE love? THE SWALLOW!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JOSSY
A young man who is to be wed in a few weeks was dreaming one night of being in a jewelry shop measuring wedding rings. When he awakings, he finds that his own ringfinger is stuck his ass.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JOSSY
YOUR MOMMA'S HEAD IS SO BIG, WHEN SHE SLEEPS SHE DOESN'T HAVE DREAMS, SHE HAS MOVIES.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kelly
Three hoes are sitting in a bar talking. The first one says, "I'm so loose my husband can fit both thumbs up me." The second one says, "yeah, well I'm so loose my husband can fit both fists up me." Then they look over at the other one, and she's just sliding down the barstool.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Me
What do an eskimo and a ziplock bag have in common? They both like a tight seals!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By josef edwards
What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blowjobs? Ones a goodyear, the others a great year!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By lurch callinan
A guy in a phone booth sees an ad for "singing blowjobs". The guy thinks, "Hey, I've never had one of these. So he goes along to the address on the ad, walks in and there's a man sitting behind a desk. So he says to him "I'd like a singing blowjob, please." Man says "Sure. What song would you like?" Guy says "I'd really love some Andrew Lloyd Webber stuff". Man says "OK. Go down to that room at the end of the corridor. Go inside and leave the light off, and you'll get your singing blowjob." Guy walks into the pitch black room and stands there waiting. Next thing he feels two lips on his knob, and as he's getting sucked off, he's hearing "Don't cry for me Argentina..". Guy thinks "This is fucking great" and he chucks his load, zips up and walks outside. He's walking down the corridor when he says to himself " No. I have to find out if that was a tape recording. It sounded so realistic." So he walks back into the room and turns on the light. And there's this old woman sitting on the floor, putting back in her glass eye.
UP THE IRISH!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lurch Callinan
Three guys on an oil rig, been there for two months, with no sex except the trusty "five knuckle chuckle". So they go up to their boss and say "Boss, you gotta help us here. We haven't had any pussy for two months." Boss says "Leave it to me guys." On the boss' next visit to the mainland, he goes to a sex shop and buys a blow-up doll. He comes back to the oil rig and tells the three guys "OK. I've hired you lot a hooker. She's in the bedroom upstairs, lying on the bed. But there's one problem. She's quite shy, so you're going to have to leave the light off." The guys say "No problem. That's great." So the first guy goes into the room, and comes out an hour later, grinning from ear to ear, saying that was the best sex he's ever had. Second guy goes in, comes out an hour later, also grinning, claiming he's going to leave his wife. Third guy goes in, and comes out 30 seconds later with a bewildered look on his face. The other guys ask him "What happened? Why did you not use your whole hour?" Third guy says "Well lads, I dunno what happened in there. I took off my clothes and lay on the bed. She seemed a bit quiet, so to get her in the mood, I decided I'd give her a love bite. And the bitch farted and flew out the window."


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