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Kelly's Bar Jokes
10
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Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!
2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?
1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding! So the second old man rushed to the store.
Clerk: May I help you?
Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.
Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!
Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Silvy
Do you know who the first computer expert was? Eve,she had an apple in one hand and a wang in the other.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michael Cohen
What's the difference between a pregnant blonde and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Wondering who Jesus Christ is, the little boy asks a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" and the bum replies, "Well, I am." The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DEIDRA
ONE DAY THIS TEACHER DECIDES THAT SHE ISN'T GOING TO LET HER STUDENTS TALK BABY TALK ANYMORE. SO WHEN SHE GETS TO CLASS, SHE SAYS, " KIDS, TODAY WE AREN'T GOING TO TALK ANY BABY TALK." THEN SHE ASKS SUZIE TO TELL HER WHAT SHE DID OVER THE WEEKEND. SUZIE SAYS, " I WENT ON A CHOO-CHOO TRAIN RIDE!" THE TEACHER SAYS, "NO SUZIE, YOU WENT ON A TRAIN RIDE." THEN SHE ASKS SALLY WHAT SHE DID OVER THE WEEKEND. SALLY SAYS, " I WENT HORSEY RIDING." THE TEACHER SAYS, "NO SALLY, YOU WENT HORSE BACK RIDING." THEN SHE LOOKS AT LITTLE JONNY SITTING IN THE CORNER AND SHE ASKS HIM WHAT HE DID OVER THE WEEKEND. WELL, LITTLE JONNY HAD BEEN LISTENING AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE A MISTAKE. SO HE SAID, " I WENT TO THE MOVIES." THE TEACHER SAID, "THAT'S VERY GOOD JONNY, BUT CAN YOU TELL US WHAT THE MOVIE WAS ABOUT?" THEN LITTLE JONNY SAID," IT WAS ABOUT A LITTLE BOY AND A BEAR." "VERY GOOD!" THE TEACHER SAID. "BUT WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE MOVIE?" JONNY THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE AND SAID, "WINNIE THE SHIT!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sweetlips
Q: Why did the blonde climb up on the roof?
A: because the people said that the drinks were on the house.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Derick
Q: What did the blond do when she got a flat?
A: She rubbed it until it got stiff again.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kelley
What do you call a blonde behind the steering wheel?
A: An air-bag.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By RippeR
Q: Did you hear about the new blond invention?
A: Ejector seats for helicoptor pilots.

Q: Another blond invention?
A: Solor powered flashlights.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By samantha dablonde
Q: Why is a blonde like a bubble gum machine?
A: Only 25 cents a blow?

Q: Why is a blonde like a popsicle?
A: Everyone gets a lick.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rune
Q: What do you call a naked blonde sitting on a newspaper?
A: A lip-reader!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anon
Q: What do you get when you cross a one-legged Mongloid and a Pollack?
A: A Polaroid One-Step.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dreamer
Q: Why can't blondes eat pickles?
A: They can't fit their heads in the jar.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By http://home3.swipnet.se/~w-37418/menjokes.html
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By http://home3.swipnet.se/~w-37418/menjokes.html
I've got a head I can't think with. An eye I can't see with, and most of the time I have to hang around with two nuts. My closest neighbour is an asshole, my best friend is a pussy. But worst of all is my owner beats me all the time! !

Smile This Joke was Submitted By master c
Yo mama is so ugly she can make a onion cry!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Warren Navarro
There was this couple. Everything was fine until their sex life became well... boring. One day during breakfast an alien ship lands in front of their yard. The alien couple walks in talks to the human couple, after a couple of hours they agree to swicth partners for sex. Well later that night the human women and alien man were having sex. At first the alien man pulls down his clothing the human women laughs because it's so small. The alien man says wait he hits his head and his penis grows 2 inchs and the human woman is amazed. Well they had great sex all night. The next moring the alien couple leaves and human couple were eating breakfast and the woman asks how was it and the guy says, it was ok but she kept hitting me in the head all night.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Corey
Q: Why does a blonde smile when she see's lightning?
A: She thinks she is getting her picture taken!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kemper
Q: How can you tell if a blonde landscapes your yard?
A: The bushes are always dark.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BLOND LOVER
Q. WHAT DO BLONDES AND POSTAGE STAMPS HAVE IN COMMON?
A. YOU LICK EM' STICK EM' AND SEND EM' ON THEIR WAY.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Belal
A man walks into a bar and see's a jar full of $20 bills. he asks the bar man what this is for, the bar man replies "well we are having a competion here, you put $20 in the jar, then you go up to the lumber jack at the other end and hit him, then you go fuck the granny, after that you go out back and pull a tooth from the german sheaperd." The man dosent think twice about doing this. But as time went by the man got drunk and decided to go for it. He put the money in the jar went up to the lumber jack and hit him, the lumber jack went out cold. Then the man goes out back and every one heres the dog wine. 5 minutes later the man comes in and asks the bar tender "now's where that old lady with the bad tooth"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By chris
Q: Why do blones like tilt steering?
A: More headroom.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DANIELLE PRATER
HOW MANY BLONDES DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE POPCORN?
A: THREE- ONE TO HOLD THE POT AND THE OTHER TWO TO SHAKE THE STOVE.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bryan Moultrie
Q: What the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A: Only 4,000 went down on the Titanic.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dustin
Q: What do you call a blonde standing under a dollar ?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mark Dillon
Q: Why do blondes where hoop earrings?
A: So they have to have somewhere to put their feet.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Art Burch
A stagecoach was bouncing along a Western trail, inside was a couple with their twenty year old daughter. One of the drivers yelled "Here comes the Jesse gang to rob us!" The father quickly took the money out of his pockets and took his wife's Jewry and handed them to his daughter. "Here, hide these in your pussy" he said. "Why me Daddy, why can't Mother?" "No, she's got the suitcase" he replied.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mark Candelora
Q: What do you call 12 blonds in a box?
A: A case of empties.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By M.Browne
Q: Why did the blonde put crumbs on the toilet seat?
A: To feed the toilet duck.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ron Keys
Did you hear about the blonde who was pregnant? She is hoping that it is hers.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris Dunn
Whats the difference between a blond and a washing machine? After you dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow you around for 2 weeks

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Zita Konik
Three blondes were walking through the forest and came upon a set of tracks. The first one said, "I think they are deer tracks." The second one said, "I think they are elephant tracks." Before the third one could answer, they were hit by a train.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bleu
There's an intelligent blonde, brunette and santa claus standing on the side of a road when suddenly all three of them see a fifty dollar bill on the road. Which one gets it?
The brunette, the other two don't exist!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
One guy to another, "You're always calling your wife 'Angel'. Is she really that sweet a lady?" The other guy shook his head. "Nope, I call her that because she's always harping on somebody".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Holly
Q. What does a blonde and a bowling ball have in common?
A. They both get picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and always come back for more.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ric
Did you hear that Sherwin-Williams just put out a new color of paint called "Blonde"? It's not as bright as the others, but it sure spreads a lot easier.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Eric
Q. How can you tell when a blonde sends a fax?
A. There's a stamp on it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dustin Ober
Q: What does a blond and a frying pan have in common?
A: They both have to be heated up before you can stick the meat in.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Meoff, Jack
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: A brick only gets laid once.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mort
An old couple, married 50 years, gets killed in an auto accident. St. Peter meets them at the Golden Gate and tells the man he will be interviewed first. He tells the man that the requirements for going to heaven is simple. I'll ask you to spell a word if you spell it correctly you go to heaven. The old man says o.k. St Peter says "spell love" the old man says L-O-V-E. St peter says your in . Just as He is about to interview the wife,the phone rings. St Peter say please excuse me I have somthing to take care of. you can interview your wife,you know how its done . He calls his wife over and says to her "i'll ask you to spell a word if you spell it correctly you go to heaven His wife says O.K. He says spell chrysanthemum!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
My penis is 12 inches long, but I don't use it as a rule.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Presman101
Did you hear that General motors and Ford are going to put the dimmer switches back on the floor? Too many blondes are getting their feet stuck in the steering wheel. This Joke was Submitted By Alexandra
Q. Why don't blondes wear hoop earings?
A. They would get their high-heals stuck in them.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By thomas jones
A man walks up to a blonde and says "Excuse me but you have a weinyfur on your head". Then blonde then asks "What's a weinyfur (weeny for)"?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Guy stops to get gas and the attendant says, "What kind of car is that?" The driver says, "That's a new 1998 Cadillac with power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, rack and pinion steering, leather interior, digital instruments, and a V12 engine." The driver goes into his pocket to pull out his money pulls out a handful of golf tees. "What's them things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the guy. "Wow," says the attendant, "Them Cadillac people think of everything.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Guy pulls over to the side of the road. His date says, "You're not going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine are you?" The guy says, "No, I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine." "What's that?" The girl asked. The guy says, "If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By zakir jogia
Q: How do you mess up a blondes mind?
A: Blow into her ear.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Smokey72
You hear about the blonde that studied all night for a blood test?
She got an A+.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Charlie Case
Q: Why was the blonde nick named Twinke?
A: Because she is always being filled with cream.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By David
Why did the blonde have square tits?A. Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nazira
What's the difference between a geneologist and a gynocologist?
Answer: A geneologist looks up the family tree, a gynoclogist looks up the family bush.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dane Fletcher
Q: What do you call flies in a blondes head?
A: Space Invaders

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Zarus
Q: What does a blonde and an airplane have in common?
A:They both have "COCK-PITS"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Stud Men
How do they make sure that Tickle Me Elmo is a boy?
They give him two test-tickles (testicles).

Smile This Joke was Submitted By uncle sam
Q: What do you call ten blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mia
These three guys went to heaven and they went to god's house. He had clocks in his house. The guys asked what are these for? God said their a clock for each time you masturbate. The first guy said where's my clock? God said over there its ticks once a year. He was glad. The second guy said where's my clock. God said right there it ticks twice a year. He was happy. The third guy goes where's my clock. God said it's in my room I use it as a fan! guy goes where's my clock.God said it's in my room i use it as a fan!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By The Doctor
A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.The bartener say's "we don't serve pigs in here. The lady replies that this is not only a duck but a world class champion for his breed, The bartender say's to her "Lady I was Talking to the duck"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Art Burch
There was this fellow in Vegas that had won a pretty big jackpot. He told the bellman as he checked into the finest suite that he wanted the best gal money could buy. About a half hour later there was a knock on the door and he let in a beautiful woman. After a few minutes of banter he asked her how much for a 'handjob' Five hundred dollars she replied. He thought that was a lot, but what the hell. Afterwards he reflected on what a great job she did, the best he had ever had. "How much for a 'blow job'" he asked. "Two thousand dollars" she replied. He thought "wow!" but since the handjob was so good he agreed.A little later he was so weak he could barely walk. She drew the curtains and pointed to a large building. "That's a strip club and it's all mine" Having fully recovered he said "I can't but help asking you what you get for regular sex? "If I had a pussy, I would own Vegas!" was the reply.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anonymous
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator.
A. By the lipstick on the cucumbers.

Smile Thiubmitted By Jordan
A man walks into a pet shop. He buys a parrot. They went to a rodeo and a man yelled "Use your rope and tie him up and pull him down." Bird repeats it. They go to a fair and a man calls out "Hit a black spot win a prize." The bird repeats it. He then takes the parrot to church. The preacher says "God is always above us." The parrot says "Use a rope and pull him down." The preacher gets pissed and throws a book at the parrot. The parrot flys up and the book hits a black man. The parrot says "Hit a black spot win a prize."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Art Burch
There was a Frenchman and a Englishman discussing their finer points at lovemaking. They each insisted those of their respective countries were more adept. They first discussed how they would kiss the lady's face and head. They had to agree that they both were with merit. They then discussed in detail how they would kiss the breasts, they agreed that neither was superior. "I then kiss the navel" said the Frenchman. "I do the same thing" said the Englishman. "From the inside?" retorted the Frenchman

Smile This Joke was Submitted By D.Morin
Q: What do bleach-blondes and commercial jet air-liners have in common???
A: They both have little black boxes.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By D.Morin
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde, and a 747 jumbo-jet???
A: Not everyone's been on a 747 jumbo-jet.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By des
To show his love for his wife-to-be a white man got her name tatooed on his dick. Her name was Wendy, thus when fully erect, his dick read "Wendy", but when flaccid, it simply read "W", "y". He showed her his new announcement of his love for her and they were quickly married as she was very inpressed. All went well and they proceeded to honeymoon on the island of Jamica. Upon arriving, the newlywed couple noticed that Jamica had lots of nude beaches. While partaking in a suntan, the wife became extermely hot. "Go to the refreshment center and get me something cool to drink" she asked. Willing to please his new wife, he quickly complied. Upon reaching the refreshment bar, the white man noticed that the Jamican native had the letters "W" and "y" on his dick also. Curious, he asked the black man, "Is your wife's name 'Wendy'". The Black man smiled and replied "No"! The white man showed the black man from Jamica his penis and asked what the "W" and "y" stood for. The black man winked his eye at the white stranger and replied, "It stands for 'Welcome to Jamica man, Have a nice day'"!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Baldur Jˇn Kristjßnsson
-This Joke is in Icelandic-
Q:Af hverju lŠ­ast Hafnfir­ingar alltaf fram hjß apˇtekum
A:Til a­ vekja ekki svefnt÷flunar......hahahahahahahahaha

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ruben
one day a koala walks into a bar and a woman sat next to him and they started talking. She said she had a place around the corner so they go there and the they star fooling around and the koala starts eating her out. When they finish the woman says, "ok we has sex so now you have to pay me." the koala sais, "i'm a koala, i don't have any money." well, she tells the koala that she's a prostitute and gets paid for having sex. She pulls out a dictionary and looks up prostitute. 'Prostitue: a person who has sex for money.' The koala tells her again that he doesn't have any money because he's a koala. The koala pulled out the dictionary and looked up koala. 'Koala:an animal that eats bush and leaves'

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dennis Proctor
A blonde woman is driving through a wheat field, she sees another blonde in the wheat field in a rowboat just rowing like mad. She drives past, but as she gets farther away, she becomes irate and drives back to the wheat field. She jumps out of the car and yells,"You know it's blondes like you that give us other blondes a bad reputation, and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jake Norwood
Q. How do you confuse a blond?
A. Put her in round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q2. How does a blond confuse you?
A2. She comes out of the room and says "Okay, I'm done."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Finn Bjerke
A man with a huge frog in his foreface comes to see his doctor. The doctor desperatly tries to get the frog off the poor mans forehead, but with no succes. The frog just doesn't come off. The doctor desperatly ask┤s the man "how did this situation begin?" "It started as a pain in the ass" the frog answers.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Barmitzva Joe
Q: What would you know if you found bones on the moon?
A: The cow didn't make it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ryan Richardson
A man walks into a bar and orders 13 margaritas. The bartender asks what they are for. The man drinks them all and says "I got my first blow job today." The bartender says "why congratulations, this calls for another margarita on the house." The man says "no thanks, if 13 can't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think another one will."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Hotlips
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None Californians screw in a hot tub

Smile This Joke was Submitted By chado
Q:What did a blode do when she wanted to see a movie-over seventeen?
A:She called up sixteen of her blond friends.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By matt
What does a shot gun and a blonde have in common?
They're both cocked and ready to blow!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By matt
What do you call a blonde and a mother in-law?
Dual air bags

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Peggi/ Key West,Fla
How many times a day is that sunset thing?
Which beach is closest to the water?
Peggi must be blonde. - Kelly

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jennifer
Q:How do you get a blonde pregnat?
A:And I thought blondes were dumb!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jimmy Dean
Your mama's so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of Hot Dogs.
Your mama's so dumb she tried to climb over a clear glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Corey Waldie
Q. How does a blond comb her hair?
A. pulls down her pants.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sarlacc
what do blondes say to eah other?
Hello

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BJARNI
Q:What two things in the air can make a blond pregnant?
A:Her feet

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mike waters
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on the front of their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tim
Q:What did the two tampons say to one another as they walked down the street?
A: Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bite me
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Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kelly Wright
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and a blonde were walking down the street. At the same time they all spotted a $100 bill. Who do you think grabbed it first?
A: None of them. Santa Claus and the tooth fairy don't exist, and the blonde walked on cause she thought it was a gum wrapper.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By He Who Brings Order to Chaos
This guy died and went down to hell and started talking to the devil. The devil said "You're gonna love it down here. On Mondays, we have every type of sports on a dozen big screens. On Tuesdays, we have a huge beer bust. Every type of alcohol you can handle. On Wednesdays, we have big Cuban cigars, phillies blunts, and marlboros. On Thursday, we have all the drugs you want. You can spark a bob, smoke a bowl, or just snort some shit. And if you O.D., forget it, you're dead already." The guy said "Damn, I'm gonna like it here. What do we do on Fridays?" Satan said, "Are you gay?" "No." "Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By STEVE
WHAT DO YOU CALL THE USELESS SKIN AROUND A PUSSY? A WOMAN

Smile This Joke was Submitted By STEVE
WHAT'S THE BEST PART OF A BLOWJOB? 5 MINUTES OF SILENCE.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Melvin
Two Blondes are in a bar bragging about the fact that they put a puzzle together in a day and the directions said "3 to 7 years"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris Williams
Why do guys sleep on their sides? Because they have a kickstand.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dipti
Q:What is a row of blondes standing together called?
A:windpipe

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Erin
German guy is in America. He barely knows any English at all. He walks into a bakery. "Gimme a butt", he says. The storekeepers understand and give him a bun. Next he goes into a nursery."Gimme a fuck it", he says.Nurse understands too and gives him a bucket. He walks into a pet store."Gimme a cock and spank it. Cashier understands and gives him a cocker spaniel. Then the stupid dog runs away. He walks up to a policeman and says "Will you hold my butt and fuck it while I find my cock and spank it?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Allota Fagina
Why do all blondes make good wide recievers?
They're always open for a ball.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tetris McGoo
How are a blonde and 7-11 the same?
They're both open all night.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sailor
Here are a few things to think about....
If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty liter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-thru bank machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together in the first place?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By I seem gay but I am
Today I get home from work, I find my wife sleeping with some other woman I told her that the woman looked like a hooker who works on the streets of Seattle. She said, "Yeah, she's my partner for work."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By elton john
Yesterday I saw a blonde guy on the streets and asks me what's up? I replied, "The sky."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gay Isme-donutmakefun
Yesterday a saw a blonde showing her breasts on the streets of Seattle, she asked me if a like woman who have a bum, so I replied I like bums who have woman.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mikey antonies
A blonde walked up to me and asks for the time I say get lost and threw my spaghetti at her, meanwhile a brunette asks me for a dance I told her it was 7:30.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Terrance McFoley
One day a blonde was on the streets of Seattle when a man walked by and said excuse me one of your boobs is hanging out of your shirt, the blonde went red and quickly took the other out as well .

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tom mc Gay
A blonde was on the streets of Seattle when a man came up to her and asked for the time she replied, sorry I work the other side of the street.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dan Upchurch
One day these aliens come from space and landed next to this gas-station. The alien tells the gas pump "Take me to your leader". The gas pump does not respond because its a gas pump. Once again the alien says, "Take me to your leader". And the gas pump does not respond because its a gas pump. Then the alien pulls out a gun and says to the gas pump, "For the final time take me to your leader" . And once again the gas pump does not respond because its a gas pump. Then a man comes out of the gas station and says, "I wouldn't do that if I was you". The alien shoots the gas pump anyway and blows them totally away. The other alien said, " I told we shouldn't f**k with a guy that can wrap his pecker around himself five times!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Violet
What did the midget say to the tall woman? Your hair smells nice.
What food is known to decrease a woman's sex-drive? Wedding Cake.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Katya
Q: Why did the blonde jump out of a tree?
A: To see if her Always with wings could fly.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Addie
How does a bitchy blond do it doggie style ? Takes off her clothes and tells her boyfriend to roll over and beg.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By nick
Q- What does a blonde and the bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They both swallow a lot of seamen

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andjela
Q. Why did the blonde have an abortion?
A. She had a hunch that the baby wasn't hers.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container?
A. Because it said "concentrate."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Olivier Gouin-Charbonneau
There's a brunette, a redhair and a blonde in 4th grande: Who has the biggest breast?
The blonde: she's 18.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sara Stang
Q: What do you call a blond with half a brain?
A: Gifted

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Carl the kraut
Q: Do you want to know why blonds don't make good ballerina dancers?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor. So do the Polaks.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Pamela
Two girls are walking down the street the, brunnette says: Look a pour dead bird. The blonde looks up in the sky and replies: WHERE?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By LOUIS
THEIR ARE THREE GUYS NAMED COCO TONY AND LOUIS. AND THERE IS A ROCK YOU COULD WISH FOR ANYTHING. SO COCO WISHES HE WAS SUPERMAN AND TONY WISHES HE WAS BIRD AND LOUIS SLIPS ON A ROCK AN SAYS O SHIT AN HE TURNS INTO BOBO

Smile This Joke was Submitted By T. Harris
Q: How can you tell when a blond has had a bad day?
A: When she has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JJ
THERE WERE TWO GAYS GUYS DANCEING WHEN HALF WAY IN TO THE SONG ONE SAID TO THE OTHER, "WHY DO YOU GET A HARD ON EVERTIME YOU DANCE WITH ME?" THE OTHER SAID, "BECAUSE YOU DANCE LIKE A ASSHOLE!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Danny saxon
How do you tell a blond has been racking leaves?
There are no leaves in the trees.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By danny saxon
How do you tell a blond has been using a computer?
There is cheese by the "mouse".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ben Fourie
There was this blonde on Sandy Bay where the people didn't use any clothes. But she was still new at this so she covered what needed to be coverd. A boy of about 17 walked by and asked her where the cafe is. She said to him: "Oh no you don't catch me with that one so she pointed the direction with her leg.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Steve
There were two middle aged Americans talking in a bar: The first one says 'Isn't middle age terrible, what you think and what you say get mixed up and you end up saying something really stupid - only the other day I was at the air terminal, and what I wanted was two tickets for Pittsberg, and what I asked the girl for was two pickets for titsberg!' The second chap laughs and says 'yeah I had a similar experience with my wife at the breakfast table. What I meant to say was "Honey pass me the special K", and what came out was "Bitch, you ruined my life".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ben Fourie
Q: How many Blonde Jokes are threre???
A: None. There are only facts.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ken Greer
Q. What do you call a dog with no legs and steel balls?
A. Sparky

Smile This Joke was Submitted By andrew
How did the blond die while she was raking leaves?
A. she fell out of the tree.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By pberry
What is the difference between a blonde and the Titantic. They know how many went down on the Titantic.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lets_Go_Bowling
Q. Why did the dumb blonde climb the chainlink fence?
A. To see what was on the other side.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By the man
Q: when is it alright to slap a midget? A: when he says your wife's hair smells good !

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lynn
What do you get when you cross a lesbian and a dinosaur?
Lickalotapuss

Smile This Joke was Submitted By pj
Q:What did the blonde say when she woke up drunk under a cow?
A:You four guys still here?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Pia
Q:How did the blonde kill her canary?
A:She through it out the window.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Moo Cow
If a couple in Alabama gets divorced, are they still brother and sister?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cara Clarke
If it tastes good, spit it out.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kevin Tam
Q:What do you get when you eat a blonde? A:WHO CARES!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ice Man
Your moma is fat that she used the vcr as her beeper.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ice Man
What's the difference between an elaphant and yo mama? 40 pounds. How do you equalize them? Feed the elephant!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ice Man
What's the simalarity between a tampax and a Dodge?
They both come with toe-ropes!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ernest Lefner
What do you see when the doughboy bends over???
Doughnuts

Smile This Joke was Submitted By chris
There are three girls that want to become nuns, and to become a nun they all have to go out and commit a sin. So the first nun goes out, and when she gets back the priest tells her to drink the holy water and her sin will go away, so he asks her what her sin was and she says "I beat up an old amn and chased his dog away." so the priest says drink the holy water and your sins will be saved. So the next nun comes back and he askes her what she did and she says "I beat up an old lady and stole her purse." so the priest says drink the holy water and your sins will be saved. Then the next nun comes back and the priest askes her what she did and she says "I peed in the holy water!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeremy McCuen
Your mamas so short she has to cuff her pantys.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By todd
There was a a lady on a plane, she sat next to a man reading a book about penises. She asked the man what he was reading he replied,"a book about penises, " he said," did you know that mexicans have short and fat dicks, and indians have long and skinny dicks?" The lady said, "no, and by the way, what is your name?" The man replied, "Tanto Rodriguez!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cornholio
What's the one thing a man could do to a piece of bread that he could not do to a woman?
"Eat the Crust"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By wazza
your mama is so fat when she jumps she goes straight to hell.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By NICK RODRIGUEZ
What is the difference between the lion king and o.j. simpson??
One is a african lion and the other is a lying african.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Renee Dole
Your mama is so fat that back in school she sat next to everyone.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Tom
Your mama's so stupid, she brings a TV guide to the movie theatre.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Neil Craig
If ugly was bricks, yo mama'd have her own projects.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Heena Tash Meera
Ya mamas so ugly that when she tried to enter ''The ugliest woman in the world'' competion. They said'' Sorry no professionals''.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By linda loftus
Your momma's so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.
Your momma's so fat, she puts on her lipsick with a paint roller

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MALCOLM KEYS
A man walks in a pub and seats himself at the bar. The bartender walks up to him, notices that the man has a badly bruises tortois with him. The bartender politely ask the owner why the animal is so hurt. Owner replies, never mind the bruises, I bet you my bruised animal will beat your dog to that wall (pointing to the backwall). "Never!" Replies the bartender, I'll bet one Jack Daniels that my dog will win. The bet is on ,and the bartender starts the countdown. One............, Two.......,Three. the dog starts running, tha man pics up his bruised pet, and WHAAAAAAAM BANG , THROWS IT AT THE WALL. He obviosly won ,and the bartender says" That's why you woul'nt tell me where the bruises came from?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By chunky
A middle-aged couple are sitting on the couch. The man reaches over and grabs the woman's tit. He said: "If this tit could give milk we could get rid of the cow. The woman laughs. He then grabs her cunt. He said:"If this could lay eggs we could get rid of the chickens. The woman laughs harder. She then reaches over and grabs the man's dick and says:"Yeah, and if this could get hard, we could get rid of your brother."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Phil McCrackin
One day a (whoever you want to make fun of for the sake of the joke) goes to a doctor. He told the doctor " Doctor, doctor my son has dandruff, what do I do?" The doctor replied "Give him Head and Shoulders." So the next day the (______) comes back and asks: "Doctor, Doctor how do I give him shoulders?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MALCOLM KEYS
One day a man walked down the woods to go hunting. After a good couple of hours he found a deer, but as he is about to aim, he hears a thunderous roar behind him. He turns and noticed a lion standing behind him. Fearing for his life, he jumps up the nearest tree, feeling very pleased with himself for being alive. As the day progresses he starts getting tired so he wants to move to the nearest branch. As he looks to his left, he spots a tiger. On his right, a leopard is awaiting him, and as he looks up,he sees this python coming slowly at him. The man wonders how to escape, and all of a sudden begins to pray. The man explains to his Creator what has happened and says, father as you can see, on my right there is the tiger Father, on my left there is the leopard most mercyfull Father. Father and above me, there the python is coming at me Father. Father please help me soon father. and please father, don't send your son Father for this is not child's play.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By milk
your mamas so black she went to night school and they marked her absent.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bill
Two cannabals trapped a hunter in the jungle. As they prepared to eat him, they agreed that one should start at the head and the other at the feet. After a few minutes the cannabal at the head asked the other, "How ya doing?" The one at the feet replied, "I'm having a ball!" The cannabal at the head said, "Slow down! You're eating too fast!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Fast Eddie Felson
Man goes into the doctors office. Doctor says "I have some bad news and some terrible news". Patient says "give me the bad news first" Doctor says "You only have 24 hours to live". Patient says "OK give me the terrible news". Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nikos Raptis
What happened to the Plastic Surgeon who sat near the fire place? He melted..

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Efthimiadou Evgenia
Your mama is so stupid, she thinks that your dad had you with another woman

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Charlie Baker
What does Michael J. and a plastic bag have in common?
They are both harmful to children.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andy Koo
Your mama's teeth are so yellow, that when God said let there be light, she opened her mouth.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By lenny
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay ?
When you pull your meat out of the refrigerator it don't fart.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ned D
Your mama's so fat, that every time she turns around she has another birthday.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bobby
Your Mama's so fat she sits next to everyone on the bus.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike
A couple had been married for 40 years and on the occasion of their anniversary the wife expressed her love for her husband and asked if their was anything she could do for him. He replied as he had on almost every anniversary they had shared. "Honey, I'd really like a blow job. I'm going on 65 now and I've lived my whole life having never experienced a blow job. I don't want to die without experiencing this event." The wife rolled her eyes and said "All right, goddamnit! I'll give you your blow job!" That night the husband took his wife to dinner, gave her a dozen roses and created a very romantic bedroom setting. Candles, soft music - the works. The wife did as he requested and once he had shot his load, she slurred with full mouth "what am I shupposed to do with this...?" to which he replied..."How the fuck should I know? I'm not a cocksucker!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By J.D. Kemp
A guy is sitting in his den, watching the Super Bowl beside a nice fire. He hears a knock at the door and gets up and opens it. A small voice near his feet says "Hello," and he looks down to see a snail. The snail says "It's cold, and I'm freezing. Let me into your house to sit by the fire." The guy yells "No!" and kicks the snail into the yard. Six months later, the guy is watching baseball, with a cold beer in hand. He hears a knock and gets up and opens the door. The snail is sitting there. The snail says "Hey, what th' hell was that all about?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By CHRIS
TWO PARROTS SITTING ON A PERCH AND ONE SAYS TO THE OTHER CAN YOU SMELL FISH

Smile This Joke was Submitted By terry beard
Are they your legs or are you breaking them in for an elephent

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cindy
A blond went to her stylist for a haircut. She was wearing a pair of headphones. When she sat down in the chair, she said to her stylist. "Whatever you do, don't remove these headphones. Just cut around them!" The stylist, being very curious, snatched the headphones off the blonde when she suddenly dropped dead. He couldn't figure out what happened. When he picked up the earphones and put them on, all he could hear over and over again was "Breathe in, breathe out....breathe in, breathe out."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By LOmakeVE@aol.com
Girl about to get married goes to doctor. "Doc, how can I make him think I'm still a virgin, I lied to him." Doc says; "Put a rubberband around your leg, once he goes into you, snap it. Tell him it was your cherry." Girl get married and on wedding night starts screwing new husband, snaps rubber band. "What was that?" he yells. "Why, that was my virginity breaking, just for you.", she replies. "Well, you better make it snap again," he says, "It has my balls stuck to your leg." ouch!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nickey
there was a girl and her and her mother were poor. So they couldn't afford underwear or new cloths. One day the girl goes to church. She was wearing a mini skirt and no undies so at the end of the service the priest goes up to her and says "here is $2, go and buy some underwear". The girl goes home and tells her mom. The next day the girl goes again and the preist goes up to her again and gives her $5 and tells her to go buy undies. She goes home again and tells her mom. The next day the mom went to church to see how much money she could get and at the end of the service the preist goes up to her and gives her $200 and says "go buy your self a weedwacker!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By nickey
There was an old woman in an old age home and she had a motorized wheelchair. She was racing around the old age home...she turns one corner and a guy jumps out and says "let me see your licence for that" She pulls out a candy wrapper and gives it to him. He looks at it and says "ok thats good" and gives it back. The old lady starts racing again and she turns another corner and another guy jumps out and says "let me see your licence plate for that" she gives him a paper and he gives it back and says "ok that'll do" And she's racing again. She turns another corner and a naked guy jumps out and the woman says "oh no. Not the breathlizer test!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Will Robinson
Little Susy comes home from school one day and says,"Mommy, at recess Billy bet me 10 cookies I couldn't climb to the top of the flag pole. And I did". Susy's mom says, "Don't do that Susy. Billy just did that so he could see your underwear". The next day little Susy comes home and says, "Mommy, at recess Billy bet me a hundred cookies that I couldn't climb to the top of the flag pole. And I did". Susy's mom says, "Don't do that Susy. Billy just did that so he could see your underwear". The third day little Susy come home and says, "Mommy, at recess Billy bet me a million cookies that I couldn't climb to the top of the flag pole. And I did". Susy's mom says, "Don't do that Susy. Billy only did that so he could see your underwear". And Susy says, "But mom I tricked him. Today I didn't wear any underwear".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Will Robinson
Three rednecks are sitting in a bar talking. The first one says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I went into the bedroom and found a plunger under the bed". The second one says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The ohter day I found wire cutters under the bed". The third guy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse". The other guys stair at him in disbeleif. The third guy says,"No seriously. The other day I found a jockey under the bed.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Will Robinson
Five guys are in a plane. The pilot, an army general, a scientist, a preist and a college student. The pilot comes running out of the cockpit and screams, "We're going down, but we only got four parachutes. I'm out of here". He immediatly grabs a chute and jumps out the door. The general jumps up and says, "I've gotta fight a war tomorrow, I have to live". He grabs a chute and jumps out the door. The scientist jumps up and says, "I have the cure for cancer, I have to live". He then grabs one and jumps out the door. Only the priest and the college student are left. The priest says, "You take the last parachute, your young". The college student then says, "No, we can both go. That scientist took my bookbag".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By shane hulsey
Little Johnny went to church every sunday but he had a hard time staying awake , one day this old lady saw johnny fall asleep and thought to her self how disrespectfull. So she decided that the following sunday she would bring a long hat pin and every time johnny fell asleep she would poke him with it .Well sunday rolled around and sure enough there was johnny falling asleep like always .Well the preacher was preaching and asked if anyone could tell him who created this great earth, about that time the oldlady poked johnny well he jumped up and yelled good god almighty!!!! The preacher replyed praise the lord praise, brother. The preacher than asked if anyone could tell him who the savior was ? The old lady once again poked johnny and he jumped up and yelled Jesus Christ the preacher replyed praise the lord brother !! The preacher then asked if anybody knew what eve said to adam after they had their 40th child ? The old lady once again poked johnny , well johnny jumped up turned around and said if you poke me with that damn thing one more time im going to break it off!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By *EyEs*
This gay guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender saysIm sorry we don't serve gays here! The gay guys says ohh come onI'll sit in the corner and not bother anyone! The bartender saysIm sorry we don't serve gays here! The gay man says pleaseI promiseI'll sit in the corner and not bother anyone... So the bartender says alright sit in the corner! In walks a cowboy 5 minutes later and says I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cows balls! Back in the corner you could hear that gay man say "moo moo buckaroo"!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By SmOkEy
Q: Why did God make men before women A: Because you always make rough-drafts before masterpieces

Smile This Joke was Submitted By so what?!!
Have you heard about the constipated mathematision? He worked it out with a pencil.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jon
Q:Whats the difference between a divorce and a circumcision? A:In a divorce you get rid of the whole prick.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jon
Q:Whats pink and wrinkley and hangs out your grandads trousers? A:Your Grandma

Smile This Joke was Submitted By www.artviewseum.com
My mother-in-law is like a fine impressionistic painting. She's very lovely, but best appreciated at a distance.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TWEAK
THE 7 DWARFS WERE ALL IN BED FEELING HAPPY. THEN HAPPY GOT OUT AND THEY ALL FELT GRUMPY.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By FitzMiami
At the checkout counter of a grocery store, a man asks the cashier if they sell condoms. She says "Yes, and asks what size." He says he doesn't know, so the cashier reaches down his pants, and announces on the loudspeaker, "Condoms, aisle 7, Medium." The guy behind him, hearing this conversation also asks the cashier for condoms. She goes through the same routine, puts her hands down his pants and announces on the loudspeaker, "Condoms, aisle 7, Large." A frisky young kid, third in line, after watching the men before him, also asks for condoms. She reaches down his pants and says on the loudspeaker, "Clean-Up, Mop and Bucket, Counter 2,"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shakal
Two pollocks sit by the shore of a lake. One says "Let's go on the other side". And the other responds "I thought we already WERE on the other side!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bill
Q: how many pollocks does it take to have sex?
A: 3, two to do it one to read the directions!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Adam Bringhurst
Q: whats the diffeance between deer nuts and beer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are about $5.00, deer nuts are under a buck.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeni babe
Q: Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?
A:A hooker can clean her crack and sell it again.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kdhsdkh
Q:what's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone and a bitch sleeps with everyone but you

Smile This Joke was Submitted By danny
Three baby ducks were arrested,the next day they were sent to face the judge. The first baby duck came in and the judge asked him why he was there and the baby duck said, "I was blowing bubbles in the park." Then the judge said, "Illegal, you have 65 days in jail." The next baby duck comes in and goes through the same procedure. When the judge asks him why he's there he answers, "I was blowing bubbles in the park." The judge, now furious says, "Illegal,65 days in jail!" The third baby duck comes in and the judge asks him "Why are you here?" And the baby duck replies "I don't know." So the judge asks "Whats your name?" And the baby duck replies happily, "My names bubbles!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By becca
Q: How are men and parking spots alike? A: The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or really small.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jojo
Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BUNCH OF GAY GUYS WORKING AT A COTTON FACTORY A: FRUITS OF THE LOOM

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jon and Deedee
A guy is sitting at the bar and says to the bartender I really like this bar. The beer is cold the music is great and the peanuts are fresh. Grab me another beer I'll be right back I have to go to the bathroom. Several minutes later he comes back and demands his check and says I hate this place!! The bartender says What happened, I thought you liked it here. The guy says well I went to the bathroom and a guy pulls out a gun and aims it at my forehead and says Give me a blowjob or I'll shoot you. The bartender says well what happened?? The guy says you didn't hear a gun go off did you????

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ron
do you know why piss is yellow and cum is white? it's so you know when your comming or going.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ericka
Q: What's the difference between a brunette and a trash can?
A: At least the trash can gets taken out once a week!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Timiqua
Q) How many people does it take to eat a posim? A) 3 One to eat 2 ta watch both ways.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By nicole
2 men are stranded at sea in a canoe. One man sees a lamp in the water and decides to pull it out. He rubs it. A genie appears and tells them he will grant them 1 wish. One man blurts out, "I want all the beer I can drink! Poof! The ocean turns into beer. The other man slaps his friend across the head and say "You dumb shit! Now we'll have to pee in the boat.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By No One
This guy gives his wife a nudge in bed and starts to caress her, she says "not tonight dear, I've got an appointment at the gynocologist in the morning". The husband isn't too pleased....a little while later he asks "do you have an appointment at the dentist too?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Paul Carmichael
A piece of string walks into a bar and aks the bartender for a beer. The Bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve string here". The piece of stings gets mad, and leaves the bar. The string bumps into a friend of his, and tells him the story. The friend says "no problem, and ties the sting into a bow, ruffles the ends, and puts a pair of sunglasses on him, then tells the piece of string to go back to the bar. The piece of string goes back into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender pours a draft and says, "Hey, aren't you that piece of string that was just in here?" The piece of string says, "No, I'm afraid not!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chelsea
Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant? Because the Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By J. GIBSON
OLD SAYING... "IT'S BETTER TO HAVE LOBSTERS IN YOUR PIANOS THAN CRABS ON YOUR ORGANS"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By J. GIBSON
A LITTLE BOY COMES AROUND THE HOUSE AND YELLS DAD DAD MOM JUST GOT HIT BY A BUS. THE DAD SAYS SON YOU KNOW MY LIPS ARE CHAPPED, DON'T MAKE ME SMILE!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JOSEPH ROMERO
WHAT DO BLOUND VERGINS EAT? BABY FOOD

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jessie Green
There was a magic water slide that if you went down it and yell what you want to find at the bottom you will slide into a pool full of it.So 3 guys went to try it. The first guy yelled ice cream. The second guy yelled naked ladies. The third guy was having so much fun, he said weeeee,weeeee!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By GIBBO - LEWISVILLE,TX
WHY DO OKLAHOMA LICENSE PLATES SAY OKLAHOMA IS OK? BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SPELL MEDIOCRE.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alysia
A family takes there little boy to the circus. The daddy goes to get some popcorn right when they bring the elephants in. "Mama whats that?" asked the little boy while pointing to the elephants dick. "Oh honey that's the elephants trunk." answers the mother. "No Mama that!" and he points again to the elephants dick. "Well son that is the elephants tail." answers the mother again. "NO MAMA THAT RIGHT THERE!" pointing once again to the elephants dick. "Oh honey that's nothing." So the father gets back and the whole scenerio is repeated once again. " Son that is the elephants dick." the father says matter of factly. "Well how come when I asked mama she said it was nothing?!?" asked the little boy. "Well son I got your Mama spoiled!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alysia
What is the generic term for Viagra? FIX A FLAT

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JLE
Two Texans are walking down different ends of the street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag? Jus some chickens. If I guesses how many they are, can I have one? Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them. OK. Ummmmm . . .five?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JLE
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Texas state lottery? The winner gets $3.00 for a million years!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JLE
Q: Whats long and hard on a Texas football player? A: First Grade!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dale Teberg
Bedroom Golf 1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. (Normally one club and two balls) 2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club as to avoid damage to the hole. 6) The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed bunkers. 8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case. 10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course. 11) Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely careful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12) Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 13) Slow play in encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15) The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. 16) Payment for membership is dependent upon the given course. Additional assessment may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Justin
How is viagra and a roller coaster alike? A 45 minute wait for a three minute ride.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Justin
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. When she got to the gates the man showed her a room that had a bunch of clocks in it. She said what is this? The man replied: every live person has a clock and every time they tell a lie, the minute hand spins once. Hillary said can I please see bills? The man replied: sure we use his as a ceiling fan.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kerry
A southern belle went to New York. When she came back she told all of her friends about it. "Well, what was it like up there?" asked one of her friends. "Well" replied the southern belle, " up there, they have boys that kiss other boys." "My goodness!" replied her frind, " what do they call those?" "Well, they call those people gay. And there is also women that kiss other women." " Oh my, and what do they call those?" " Well," answered the southern belle, "they call those people lesbians. There are also guys that kiss girls private parts. " "OH my goodness gracious, and what do they call those?" "Well, I don't know what they call them, but I call them precious."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Patrick Rawlins
Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite movie? A: Free Willy

Smile This Joke was Submitted By T.T.
HOW TO SPEAK IN CHINESE! ONE SIMPLE LESSON WHO IS YOUR WIFE?? HU YU BANG!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By charlie
"Always remember, that even though you eat beans and then go take a bath, that does not make it a "BUBBLE BATH."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TwiztidClown
While driving home from work late one night, a cat ran straight out in front of my car. I swerved to miss it but was unable to. Just as soon as I hit the cat, a police car pulled in behind me and turned on his lights. When the officer approached me, he asked why I ran over the cat. I told the officer that I just got off work and was very tired, didn't see the cat in time but swerved, hoping that I'd miss it anyways. The officer said that it looked as if I swerved to hit the cat, but in any case, I needed to make restitution. I asked the officer, "What can I do to make restitution?" "Well, I'm pretty sure the cat belongs to the lady across the street. Why don't you tell her that you hit her cat and will pay for the veterinary's bill.", the officer remarked. So I walked up to the house, knocked, and was stunned to see a beautiful lady answer the door. I told her the story and said that all I had was $20 to my name, but would give it to her now, and mail the rest of the vet's bill to her when I got paid. The lady accepted the $20 and told me to keep the cat. Bewildered, I took the cat and was starting to leave, when the officer quickly arrested the woman. When I asked the officer why he arrested her, the officer grinned and replied, "Selling pussy!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tanya M°ller
Why does a deaf-mute only masturbate with one hand?
Answer: she moans with the other.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ryan
Ole king cole was a merry ole soul with his buckskin belly and a rubber asshole, two brass balls and an electric cock, gave the women a hell of a shock.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jenifier Dika
Your so short you can't even HI-FIVE A SMURF


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