Kelly's Bar Jokes More Jokes Here

Kelly's Bar Jokes
11
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Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly

WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

Smile This Joke was Submitted By megan bxp
A blonde walks into a pizza parlor and asks the clerk for a medium pizza. The clerk asks "would you like your pizza cut into 6 slices or 12?" The blonde replies "oh, definetly 6, I don't think I will ever be able to eat 12 slices."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sherby
What do you call a fat lady sitting at the end of a bar?
A full size pick up with a bed liner.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kevin
Lets go to my place and do some math:
Add a bed, subtract some clothes, divide your legs and we'll multiply.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kathy
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Blondes screw in a car.....

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dan
There was a woman who wanted to have sex with santa on christmas. When santa came down the chimney the woman goes,"santa, will you have sex with me?" Then santa says,"ho ho ho santa's got to go, got to get the presents to the kids you know. Then the woman takes off her robe and then says," santa, now will you have sex with me?" then santa says," ho ho ho santa's got to go, got to get the presents to the kids you know." Then the woman takes off her bra and panties and says," santa, now will you have sex with me?" Then santa goes," hey hey hey, santa's got to stay, can't get up the chimney with his dick this way!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dan
there was a man who walked into a bar. In the bar there was a pile of money on the table. He asked the bartender how he could get the money? The bartender pointed to a horse and said if you can get that horse to laugh I'll give you that money the man goes to the horse and comes back and the horse is laughing. The bartender asked him," how did you do that?" And the man says I'll tell you tomorrow. Then the next day there is another pile of money on the table and the same man asks how can I get that? The bartender points to the same horse and says if you can get that horse to cry I'll give you the money. The man goes to the horse comes back and the horse was crying. The bartender said how did you do that. The man goes I'll tell you tomorrow. Then the man leaves with the money. The next day the man comes in and the bartender asks okay, how did you get that horse to laugh and cry. Then the man siad well, the first day I told him my penis was bigger than his, then the next day I showed it to him!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sam Garcia
What do you call the opperation when a girl wants to get a sex change???
Add-a-dick-to-me

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joanne
Q: Why do blondes fake orgasm?
A: 'Coz the guys fake foreplay!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Intelligent Blond
Q: Why are blonde jokes so stupid? A: So men will understand them.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Toni Tass
What does toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?
They both circle Uranus (your anus) for Klingons (cling-ons).

Why do men name their penises?
So they won't have a stranger making all their decisions for them.

How do you know if a man is sexually aroused?
He's breathing.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What do soybeans and dilldos have in common?
They're both a substitute for meat.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
To get air to their brain.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dopey
This guy walks into the bar one day, and sits and has a few drinks. Latter that night a young middle-aged girl walks up and orders two drinks. The guy who is sitting at the bar says" you have a Killer ass." She replays "I have a boyfriend." The bartender brings the two drinks up, and before she left the guy replays that she has some awsome tits, and that he would like to play with them. She says" my boyfriend is right over there." Then he makes his final remark that he would like to fill her pussy up with beer and drink it. She says thats it I'm telling him right now.
She goes over to tell her boyfriend what he said. "Honey see that guy sitting there with the drink, he told me that I had a nice ass." He says"well you do Bay-Bee!" Then he said that " I had nice tits, and would like to play with them. Her boyfriend got up and said " NO ONE talks to my girl like that!!" Her boyfriend's fists were all tighten up ready to kick his ass, when she said "The last thing he said was that he would like to fill my pussy up with beer and drink it. "He sits down to pounder the thought, when she says whats the matter. I thought that you were going to kick his ass." He takes a deep breath, and says "I AINT GOING TO FUCK WITH ANY BODY WHO CAN DRINK THAT MUCH BEER ! "

Smile This Joke was Submitted By carter
2 blondes are walking down the street, they see a pit bull licking his balls> Blonde 1 says "I wish I could do that." Blonde 2 says "Pet him a little bit and he might let you."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Pete
A man joins the local fire department, and reports to work enthuziastically the first day. The shift captain then proceeds to explain the "bell" system to him. 1st bell, you need to be out of bed, and getting dressed. 2nd bell, you need to be sliding down the pole. And the 3rd bell, you need to be in the truck responding. So the man goes home, and with excitement, explains to his wife about the "bell" system. Joyfully she decides that the bell system would work great in the bedroom as well. She explains: 1st, bell stop what you are doing and come into the bedroom. 2nd bell, take off all your clothes, and 3rd bell jump into bed and put out MY FIRE! So the first night she decides to try it out. She yells....1st bell! The man stopped what he was doing, and with great anticipation he ran into the bedroom. 2nd bell! The man took off all of his clothes.....3rd bell! the man excitedly jumped into bed and started romping away on his wife. After a few minutes, he hears 4th bell!.... Just then he stopped and said " what 4th bell? we never discussed a 4th bell!" His wife replied " Well honey, I'm sorry but your hose just isn't long enough to reach the fire, so I was calling for help!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By justin
Q. Why is a blond like the Pilsberry dough boy.
A. Because every body gets a poke.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jester
There was this old couple, having a swing on their pourch. The old lady looks at her husband and drills him hard, he flies through the air and lands on the ground. He says "what the hell was that for?" The old lady says "thats for 50 years of bad sex" The old guy then stands up and brushes himself off and continues to swing. About 2 minutes later he turns around and drills his wife, she flies through the air and lands on the ground. She says "what the hell was that for?" The old guys says "Thats for knowing the difference!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Arthur Suiter
A woman was fishing in a thick fog in the middle of a river. When the fog started to lift, she noticed a woman on the river bank pulling in fish like crazy. Having not gotten a bite, she rowed over to talk to the woman. She asked her what she was using for bait. The woman said, Honey, it's not what bait I'm using, I have a system. When I get up in the morning if my old man's peter is hanging to the left, I fish on this side of the river. If it is hanging to the right, I fish on the other side of the river. The first woman asks, what it it is sticking straight up? The other woman says, Honey, you can't fish all the time.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bob Peters
80 Yr. Old Man Goes To Confession
Man: Father I had sex with two 18 yr. old girls last nite - In fact twice with each one.
Priest: How long since your last confession.
Man: Never - I'm Jewish.
Priest - Why you telling me?
Man: I'm telling everyone.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Upchurch
Your father is like cement, it takes him days to harden up.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Upchurch
Your mother is like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Upchurch
One morning, Superman was flying over a beach, thinking to himself,"Damn, I'm so fucking horny. I'm so horny, I think I'll fuck the first thing I see!" Then with his special superman vision, he spotted Wonderwoman lying on the beach. She was completely naked, lying flat on her back with her legs open. Superman thought, "No need to ask her for any, she'll probably reject me." Then he said,"I know what I'll do! I'll swoop down there, thump her a few times, then shoot right back up into the air so fast, she won't even know what happened to her." Then he did it.he swooped down, pumped her a few times, then instantly shot back up into the sky. He thought to himself,"Wow, that was great! And it was nice and tight, just the way I like it!". It was at just that moment that wonderwoman jumped up and said,"Oh shit, what was that?" Invisible man said,"I don't know, but my asshole is sure hurting".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Upchurch
Thanksgiving was coming up, so Steve went to one of those stores where you buy a live turkey, then take it home to kill it and pluck it yourself. As he waited for service, an old woman came out and said,"How can I help you sonny?" Steve said,"I need you to help me pick a bird for my Thanksgiving dinner." He pointed to a turkey and said,"Where was this one bred?" The old woman said,"Hmm, let's see". She took the bird out of its cage, popped her finger up the bird's asshole and said, "This one came from Kentucky". Steve said," I don't want it, put it back." He picked another bird and said,"where is this one from? The woman pulled the bird out of its cage and popped her finger up its ass and said,"Hmm, this one is from Ohio." Again, Steve told her to put the turkey back. The old woman said," By the way sonny, I don't recognize you from around here. Where are you from?" Steve bent over, pulled down his underwear and said,"Why don't you tell me?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By upchurch
Somewhere in Arizona, three men named Tom, Joe and Bub had been on the road for 10 hours, and were very hungry and thirsty. The only sign of life nearby was the bar that their car was approaching.
When they got out, Bub said,"Wait a minute, we don't have any money!." Then he said,"Hey Tom, go inside and see if the bartender will be kind enough to give us each a cold glass of water without charging us anything for it.We'll be standing out here, under this window." Tom went inside, and to his surprise, the bartender was a woman. He said,"Pardon me ma'am, me and my friends are so thirsty, We're just dying for some cold water, but we don't have any money.Would you be generous enough to give us each a glass?" The bartender replied,"I'll give you one glass if you'll come upstairs and fuck me." Tom thought,"She's really beautiful, and one glass of water is better than none." When she opened her legs, he saw that her pussy was covered with spiderwebs, red spots and smelled like a Swiss cheese factory. So he said, "okay baby, close your eyes." When she did, he reached over to the desk next to the bed and picked out the largest piece of corn on the cob and begin fucking her with it. After she had her orgasm, he threw the corn out of the window, and she gave him a fresh glass of cold water. Since that wasn't enough for him, he asked her for another glass, and she said, "If you want more water, you'll have to fuck me again." And again, he reached into the plate, pulled out a piece of corn on the cob and fucked her with it.When she had her orgasm, he again threw the corn out of the window, and she gave him a glass of water. But that still wasn't enough. The final time he asked for water, she demanded sex first, and again he fucked her with a piece of corn and threw it out of the window. After he finished his final glass of water, he bid the bartender farewell. Waiting outside were his two friends under the window.He shouted,"Hey, I just had three glasses of cold water! Sorry I didn't save you any." One of them replied,"Who cares?! We had corn!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Edith Bustamante
Have you heard of the new computer in the store. named after MIKE TYSON, It has 2 bytes and no memory.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ron
there was a farming family that had a tradition that who ever talked first after dinner had to do the dishes. so, it just happened that after dinner a car was passing the farm and started to over heat. the driver went up to the house and knocked in the door to get some water. so when no one replied he opend the door and went to the sink to get water. while he was filling the bucket he noticed that the wife was good looking so he had his way with her then left the house. however, the car over heated again. again he knocked on the door, still no reply so he entered the house. as he was filling the bucket he noticed that the daughter was better than the wife so he had hsi way with her then left the house. this time the car overheated and the rad exploded causing the diver to burn his hands. as he ran up to the house a burst open the door and asked for vasaline the father replied i will do the dishes......

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ron
a woman calls the local zoo to tell them that there is a gorilla in her tree. the zoo keeper comes to her house and looks in the tree and sure enough there is the gorilla. he goes to his truck and get his gun, dog, handcuffs and a pole. he knocks on the door of the house and asks the lady to come out and help him get the gorilla out of the tree. he says to her i will climb the tree and hit the gorilla with the pole, when the gorilla hits the ground the dog is trained to bite the gorilla in the groin, when the gorilla grabs himself you slap the handcuffs on the gorilla. the woman said i see what the pole, dog and handcuffs are for, but what is the gun for. the zoo keeper replied, look lady, if i hit the ground first i want you to shoot the dog....

Smile This Joke was Submitted By john a
Three guy walk into a bar arguong about whos dick is bigger. So they ask the bartender and she says well set them on the counter and I'll see who's is bigger, so they do. Then this woman walks into the bar and the bartender askes him if he needs anything. Then he says well I was going to have a beer but I think I'll take the buffet instead!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By merrill
Don't ever ask a blond if she knows the difference between "A BIG OLD GOOD ONE" OR A "GOOD OLD BIG ONE"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Marco
Q: What's the diference between a blonde and a Harley-davidson ?
A: Not everybody has ever ride a Harley.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
The following is a letter sent to Miller Brewing Company last year.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid-80's).
Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras, I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.
For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold!
Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations: 1. Your cans are made of aluminum. 2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy. 3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight. 4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can. 5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer. 6. Warm beer sucks. This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is sificantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can black!!! Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? anted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma (OR TEXAS) where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with. (NO SHIT !) Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, - I, and several other subjects, conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.
The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suckpoint) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F. BEER TYPE Average Suckpoint (min.)

It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the averagesuckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.
Sincerely,
Bradley Lee, Beer-drinker

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mike
Olie and leana have been married about 15 years when one day olie notices a sore on the end of his weiner. He decides to go to the doctor once he gets to the office the doctor says "Olie, drop your pants and let me have a look. The doctor looks and agrees that it is a nasty sore on olie's weiner The doctor says" this may sound strange but the way to get rid of that sore is to soak your weiner in buttermilk and it will go away real soon. Olie thinks this is kind of strange, but if that is what the doctor says I'll do it. Olie goes and on the way buys a quart of buttermilk, pours it into a bowl and starts soaking his weiner at this time leana walks in and says "Olie in all the years we've been married I've never seen you reload that sucker before.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe Shmoe
A hamberger walked into a bar and the bartender said "Sorry we don't serve food here!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michael Walsh
A MAN WALKS INTO A PHARMACY AND ASKES THE PHARMACIST "CAN YOU GIVE ME A BUNCH OF AFRODESIACS?" THE PHARMACIST ASKS "WHY?" THE MAN SAID "BECAUSE I HAVE A BUNCH OF NYMPHOMANIACS COMING OVER TONITE." SO THE PHARMACIST GIVES THEM TO HIM. HE COMES BACK IN THE NEXT MORNING AND PUTS HIS DICK ON THE COUNTER (IT LOOKS LIKE RAW HAMBURGER MEAT) AND ASKES THE PHARMACIST "CAN I GET SOME BEN-GAY?" THE PHARMACIST SAID "YOU'RE NOT PUTING IT ON THAT ARE YOU?" THE MAN SAID "NO IT'S FOR MY ARMS THE NYMPHOMANIACS NEVER SHOWED UP"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michael Walsh
A BLIND MAN WALKES INTO A BAR. HE GRABS HIS DOG BY THE TAIL AND STARTS SWINGING IT OVER HIS HEAD. THE BARTENDER ASKS HIM,"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" THE BLIND MAN SAYS "IM JUST LOOKING AROUND."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines , surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau." "Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Jon. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Jon graduate, let Jon graduate!" The principal agrees to give Jon one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Jon, how many apples do I have?" he asked. Jon thought long and hard and then said: "Ten." And the entire senior class stood up and shouted "Give Jon another chance, give Jon another chance!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By k.d. jones
A NURSE WAS SPONGE BATHING A WOMEN WHO HAD BEEN IN A COMA FOR A VERY LONG TIME. AS SHE PASSED OVER HER BREAST THE BEEP'S BECAME FASTER ON HER HEART MONITOR,ONCE AGAIN AS SHE WASHED HER PUSSY SHE NOTICED AN INCREASE IN HER PULSE. THINKING THIS WAS RATHER ODD SHE DECIDED TO INFORMED THE DOCTOR. AFTER GIVING THIS SOME TOUGHT THE DOCTOR DECIDED TO INFORM THE WOMENS HUSBAND. HE WAS INFORMED AND RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL. UPON HIS ARRIVIAL THE DOCTOR ASKED HIM IF HE WOULD HAVE ORAL SEX WITH HIS WIFE. HE REPLYED THAT HE WOULD BUT DID NOT WANT ANYONE WATCHING. THE DOCTOR INFORMED HIM NOT TO WORRY THAT BOTH HE AND THE NURSE WOULD BE IN THE NEXT ROOM AND WOULD ONLY BE WATCHING THE MONITOR. AS THE DOCTOR AND NURSE WATCHED THE BEEPS BECAME FASTER AND FASTER ON THE MONITOR, WHEN SUDDENLY THE BEEPS STOPPED AND THE MONITOR SHOWED ONLY A STRAIGHT LINE. RUSHING TO THE NEXT ROOM TO SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED THE DOCTOR ASKED "WHAT HAPPENED" HER HUSBAND REPLIED "I DON'T KNOW SHE MUST HAVE CHOKED".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Wild Bill
A father stops his teenage son on the way out of the house to attend yet another wild party. "Son when Abe Lincoln was your age he was busily studying law" the son replied, "Yes Dad, and when he was your age he was president"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'. The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By big jim
Q:How do you know you have a blonde gardner?
A: All the yellow roses are on brown bushes.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By aaron dumas
there is this guy and he likes to fuck pigs but every time he starts fucking the pig. His goat starts kicking him in the back but he just keeps on fucking. One day he went outside to go fuck the pig and he's getting ready and he looked outside because he heard a noise. Some lady's car broke down so he went outside to help here. He went ahead and fixed her car. The lady was so happy she said "thank you some much is there any thing I can help you with" the guy said "no" the lady said "are you sure I'll do anything you want" the still said "no" the lady asked again "I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT" the guy said now that you mention it, how about take my goat for a walk.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bill Goings
Another pick-up line.
Would you like to play carnival? Sit on my face and let me guess your weight>

Smile This Joke was Submitted By gaz
Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutrasweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke

Smile This Joke was Submitted By lauren
Q: Whats green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit The Frog's finger!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joshua Orton
A gay guy walks into a bar that has no one in it except for the bartender and a monkey who is sitting on a bar stool. The gay guy says to the bartender,"What's with the monkey?"and the bartender replies,"Well,he does tricks."the gay man then replies,"Can you show me one?"and the bartender says,"Sure!".Immediateley the bartender punches the monkey and the monkey does a backflip,unzips the bartender's fly and starts giving the bartender a blowjob.The gay man says,"Cool,can I give it a try?"and the bartender says,"Okay."so the gay guy says,"Just don't hit me as hard as you hit the monkey!".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By snoopy
Q: What did the blond say to her boyfriend during sex?
A: Smells like tuna, tastes like chicken, just plug your nose and keep on lickin.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ICE MAN
A GUY IS WALKING IN THE JUNGLE AND FALLS IN A PIT OF QUICK SAND. HE'S UP TO HIS WASTE AND ANOTHER GUY WALKS BY, AND THE MAN IN THE QUICK SAND SAYS, "PLEASE SAVE ME I'LL DO ANYTHING PLEASE". "SUCK MY DICK AND I'LL SAVE YOU." "NO WAY MAN THAT'S DISCUTING," SAYS THE GUY IN THE SAND. SO NOW THE GUY'S UP TO HIS CHEST AND HE'S STARTING TO GET WORRIED. ANOTHER GUY WALK'S BY, AND HE SAYS "PLEASE HELP ME I'LL DO ANYTHING JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE." THE GUY WALKING BY SAYS SUCK MY DICK AND I WILL." "NO WAY THAT'S DISCUTING." SO NOW THE GUY IS UP TO HIS CHIN AND ANOTHER GUY WALKS BY. SO HE SAYS,"PLEASE HELP ME I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK," "DIE FAG", THE GUY SAYS.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By CRY
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch. (Unless they are really drunk.)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jesse Avalos
There was a car load full of Lesbians & a car load full of queers....Which one got there first?
The Lesbians! They got there lickety-split and the queers where still packing their S@#t......:o)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Crunchy in Milk
Ok so this kid was watching his father shave one night and withthe kid staring at him his concentration wasnt on his face so he cut himself, "SHIT!" Said the man getting some TP to put on his knick, "Dady, whats shit?" Asks the little boy. "UUUUUMMMM, Shaving cream son now go bother your mother!" So the young boy went to his mother where she was carving a turkey for dinner. When the punky little kid ran in he surprised his mother,causeing her to cut herself with the carving knife. "FUCK!" said the woman in great pain, "Mommy, whats fuck?" "UUUUMMM, Turkey son, its another word for turkey,go watch tv!" So the family went to watch thier fave show "Foulmouthed Bob and his vulgar squad" now they loved this show so much that they would stop everything all together, I mean the turkey wasnt done and the father still had shaving cream on his face. Now after a while of watcing Bob spewout fourletter words the little boy got curiouse "Mom, what are bitches and bastards?" "Men and women son" said his mom a little irritated "Dad what are pussy's and dicks?" "Hats and coats son, now whatch tv!" Said the dad really annoyed "Mom, what does go to hell mean?" Being really annoyed with the kids questions both parents shouted "Go to bed son!" "Oh" thought the little boy Well the mother went back to carving and papa went back to shaving and the son was heading off to bed when he heard a knock on the door. It turns out thier church pastor had come for a surprise visit and thinkin he would impress the Priest and his wife with his newly expanded vocabulary the boy said... "Hello all you bitches and bastards, hang your pussy's and dick's on the hatrack, My dads in the bathroom shaving shit off his face my mom is in the kitchen cutting fuck, please excuse me I have to go to hell now!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By merrill
WOULD YOU HAVE THOUGHT THE BLOND WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT WHEN THE OLD MAN COULDN'T CUT THE MUSTARD, HE COULD LICK THE JAR.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By merrill
DID YOU HEAR OF THE SOUTHERN MINISTER THAT HAD ONLY BLONDS FOR A GROUP?
HE TOOK THE HOLY POLE - PUT IT IN THE HOLY HOLE AND SHOT RELIGION ALL OVER THEIR SOUL.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Torben
Q: Why is there 16 blondes in a car?
A:Because they heard that you have to be 16 to drive!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jonny D
Once a young Indian brave walked into his father's tipee and asked " Father, how do you name all the indian children once they are born??" The wise indian chief looks down and says "Well, after I deliver the child, I walk outside the tipee and the first thing I see is what I name them." "For example, your brother, Hawk-flying-high. The first thing I saw after he was born was a hawk flying. And your sister Swimming-bear, the first thing I saw after she was born was a swimming bear." The young indian brave thanked his father and left the tipee. A few seconds later the chief walks out and says " Why do you ask some strange questions Two-Dogs-Fucking????"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By merrill
DID YOU EVER ASK A BLOND -HOW WAS THE BEST WAY TO TURN A MANS STOMACH? PUT TWO WARM BOOBS ON HIS BACK........

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike. The officer says, "Pull over", and the driver pulls over to the side of the road. He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?". The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back". The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bay Fly
Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate

  1. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
  2. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
  3. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
  4. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
  5. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
  6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.
  7. Say, "Now how did that get in there."
  8. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
  9. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.'"
  10. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "may I borrow a highlighter?"
  11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
  12. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now."
  13. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
  14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott."
  15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
  16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
  17. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
  18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Re
It was this girls birthday and her mum wanted to have a shower so the little girl asked to have a shower with her mum and her mum said no and the girl said "oh but it's my birthday"so the mother said "ok but don't turn aroun around and look up or down" so they were in the shower and the girl turned around and asked "what are those mummy?"and the mum said they are mountains and that is the bush and so they got out of the shower and her dad wanted to have a shower so she asked her dad if she could have a shower with him and he said "no" and she said "oh but it's my birthday"and he said "well don't turn around and look down."so they had a shower and she turned around and looked down and asked "whats that daddy"and he said "it's a snake" and son they got out of the shower and than it was bed time and the little girl asked if she could sleep in there bed and they said no and so she said"oh but it's my birthday" so they said ok but don't look under the covers so they were in bed and the little girl looked under the covers and said to her mother,"mummy there's a snake in the bushes over the mountains".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Art Burch
A guy went to the Doctor due to the fact he noticed his testicles were a bright red. The doctor had him disrobe and lay flat on the table. In about 15 minutes they no longer red and he was discharged and paid the bill which was fifty dollars.
That night he was telling the story to a friend and the friend remarked that his testicles were green and they both agreed he should see the same doctor.
As he left the office he was handed a bill for $300.00 and questioned the doctor since his friend's was only fifty dollars. The Doctor replied "All your friend had was some lipstick, you've got gangrene!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Hoffa
Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Jon's 6 year old son asked, what a penis was. Jon whipped his out and said, "Son, this, is a penis. As a matter of fact, it's a perfect penis". The next day, Jon's son was playing with the little girl next door and she asked what a penis was. He whipped his out and said, "This is a penis. As a matter of fact, if it was four inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bridget Knaebel
Q: Whats the difference between pink and purple?
A: The grip.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bridget Knaebel
Q: How can you tell Ronald McDonald at the nudist beach?
A: He"s the one with the sesame seed buns.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tim
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger knows what driver to use.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Phil
Q: What does a girl have in commen with spaghetti?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mel
There was a ladder and it had 100 rungs on it and the whole thing was covered in oil. A man was offering anyone a thousand dollars if they could climb it. The first guy came along and started to climb, he got up to 60, 70, 80 steps and he fell off. The man says "What's your dad's job?" The guy goes "He's a wood chopper so his dick got chopped off. The next guy came along and he got up to 80 steps, 85, 90 and he fell off."O.K. what's your dad's job?" "He's a butcher." The guy said and his dick was chopped off. Another guy came along and he go up to 95, 96 ,97 98 steps, he started laughing and he fell off. "What's your dad's job?" The guy answers "He's a lollypop man so suck it."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By chi-chi
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Fuck her!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Craig.R.D.
Virginity is like a ballon, one prick and its gone.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By merriill morris
I asked the blond if she knew the difference between ooh and ah? about two inches.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kevin Ryan
A Georgia state trooper is sitting on his motorcycle when a big red cadillac goes by with two people in it, doing exactly the speed limit, not a mile per hour over or under. Realising that no one goes exactly the speed limit, he suspects something is amiss and pulls the car over. He walks up to the car he taps on the window with his baton and the driver snobbily rolls down the window and says "What the hell do you want?" The cop begins to beat the passenger with his night stick; WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! in the head. The driver screaming out "What are you beating me for? This is police brutality!" "Son," The officer explains, "When a Georgia State Patrolman walks up to your car, you have that window down, your license out, and you had better treat that man with respect!" After being reassured by the driver of future compliance, the trooper then walks around to the passenger side, to which the passenger quickly rolls down the window and says "Yes Sir, may I help you?" The officer then begins beating the passenger mercissely with his baton. "What are you beating me for?" The passenger cried, "I had my window down and treated you with respect!" "I'm just making your wish come true" was the reply. The passenger stared blankley "What!?" "I'm just making your wish come true." "What are you talking about?" the frustrated passenger screamed. "Son," the trooper grinned, "I just know when y'all get five miles down the road you're gonna turn to him and say 'I wish to hell he'd of hit me with that stick!' and I'm just making your wish come true!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shawn
Q: WHY DO BLONDES WEAR BLACK UNDERWEAR?
A: TO REMEMBER THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN BURIED THERE!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By James
What do you call a crowd of blondes? A thicket

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kat
The doctor is checking the memories of three old guys sitting together in a nursing home. He asks the first one how much 3 times 3 is. "156," says the first old codger. The doctor asks the second one, "How much is 3 times 3?" "Tuesday," pipes up the elderly cuss. Then he asks the last fella, "What is 3 times 3?" "Nine," he says. "How did you figure that out?" questions the doc. "Easy," says the old man, "I just took 156 and subtracted Tuesday!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kat
An elderly couple is walking down the street when a pigeon lets one overhead and craps on the old gents head. His wife says, "I wish we had some toilet paper." "Why?" asks her husband, "he must be half a mile away by now."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kat
Two women are talking, and one asks the other, "Do you and your husband have mutual climax?" The second one says, "No, I think we have State Farm."

My grandpa use to say, "If we all like the same things..... everyone would be after your grandmother."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Q: Why is sex like air?
A: It's no big thing unless you're not getting any.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
There was this boss screwing his secretary. She came into work every day one week at 10:30 instead of 8:00 like she was supposed to. He asked her, "Who said you could come in any time you wanted?" She replied, "My lawyer."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Patrick
BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
BLONDE: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ken Bingham
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar

Smile This Joke was Submitted By fred
Q: What do you call a blonde doing jumping jacks?
A: wiggly tits

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John Billings
What is long hard, frothy at one end can rub hard or soft and gentle, it goes in smooth and leaves a frothy substance.............oh sick you pervert it's a toothbrush!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By andrew wendel
What does a blonde think a pelvis is?
A cousin of Elvis's!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bobby
Why does a blonde like blonde jokes?
Because she gets good advice from them!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe
Why does a blonde like going into bars?
Because she gets to strip with every tease!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By siggy

THE CREATION OF PUSSY

THERE WERE SEVEN WISE MEN WITH MINDS SO FINE
THEY CREATED PUSSY TO THEIR OWN DESIGN
FIRST WAS A BUTCHER ARMED WITH WIT
PULLED OUT A KNIFE AND GAVE IT A SLIT
SECOND WAS CARPENTER STRONG AND BOLD
WITH CHISEL AND HAMMER HE GAVE IT A WHOLE
THIRD WAS A TAYLOR TALL AND THIN
WITH PINK VELVET HE LINED IT WITHIN
FOURTH WAS A HUNTER MEAN AND STOUT
WITH FUR HE LINED IT WITHOUT
FIFTH WAS A PREACHER NAME WAS MAGGEE
HE TOUCHED IT BLESSED IT SAID IT COULD BE
SIXTH WAS A FISHERMAN MEAN AS HELL
THREW IN A FISH AND GAVE IT A SMELL
AND LAST WAS A COONASS HAIRY LITTLE RUNT
HE FUCKED IT SUCKED IT CALLED IT A CUNT.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By cLuBsPoRt
A wife is looking at her breasts in the mirror (lets say shes blonde) and wishes they were somewhat bigger she suggests to her husband: "How about breast implants?' her husband grunted and said 'too expensive' then the husband suggests, "How about rubbing a roll of Sorbent on your cleavage?" The wife replies do ya think it will work? and he says "IT DID A GREAT JOB ON YOUR ASS!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By gabriel Jackson
What do you call a Blonde upside down?
A brunet with white pubes.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sunny
Newly wed blonde couple after enjoying the night,
Husband: As a token of love, have this $50
Wife: But, my usual price is $100.....

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jón Svan
A man walks in to a doctors office with a 5-iron wrapped around his neck, a black eye and a broken nose. While the doctor was helping him, he asked how the hell that happend. Well, me and my wife were playing golf, and her ball went O.B. so we went looking for it. We had searched everywhere so I had this idea to search near the cows. I didn´t find it there but, for some reasons I lifted the cows tail and I saw my wifes ball, I said, "hey this looks just like yours".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By QUENTIN WHITE
A BLONDE JUST GETS FINISHED HAVING SEX WITH A GUY AND SHE ASK HIM "DO YOU HAVE AIDS?" AND HE GOES "NO, WHY?" SHE SAYS "GOOD BECAUSE I WOULD SURE HATE TO CATCH THAT AGAIN."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By chris
Dick owns a porno shop, and business is terrible. He asks his friend Harry what to do to pick up sales. Harry told him to have a sale and to hang a sign up in the window. The next morning Dick puts up a sign...."DILDOS ON SALE". As soon as he opens, Mary walks in and asks about the sale. Dick explains, "I have pink dildos for $10 & black dildos for $15. Mary says" I'll take a black one please". Then at lunch Lisa comes in the store and enquires about the sale. Dick tells her the prices.....and she buys a pink dildo for $10. Finally, at the end of the day, Dee swaggers in and asks about the sale. Dick explains the prices and Dee inspects the inventory. After intense browsing, Dee asks, "How much for the plaid dildo in the corner?" Dick replies,"The plaid dildo is $100!!" Dee grinned and eagerly paid him. Elated at his success, Dick calls harry to thank him for his advice. "Hey Harry, your not gunna believe this. I sold a black dildo for $15, a pink dildo for $10....and I'll be damned if some gal didn't just buy my thermos for $100!!! ;)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jennifer Witkowski (LilJen)
A blonde is driving down the highway listening to the radio. The DJ is slamming blondes left to right. Eventually, she gets so fed up with him, she turns off the radio. About an hour later, she's driving past a wheat field and sees another blonde in the middle of it in a canoe trying to row through it. At this spectacle, her anger hits the boiling point and she pulls over, gets out of her car and starts screaming at the top of her lungs, "You damned bitch! It's blondes like you who give the rest of us a bad rep! Why, if I could swim, I'd come over there and beat the $h%t out of you!" :-) (This is from a blonde)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Wren
There was a guy sitting in a bar looking sad and dejected. His friend came up and asked him what was wrong with him. The man said, "oh, it's my birthday." The friend said he should be happy about that, not sad. The man replied, "I'm just bummed out about what my co-workers gave me for my birthday." The friend then asked, "what did they give you?" The man replied, "a sweater." The friend told that sounded like a pretty nice gift and he should be happy. The man relpied, "I liked what they gave me the last couple years better." The friend asked what and the man said, "well last year they gave me a moaner and the year before that they gave me a screamer!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By fernando
q: how do you keep a blonde busy?
a: give her a piece of paper with "turn me over" written on both sides!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By secret admire
You might be a redneck if your masseuse uses lard.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TRAVIS
YOU MIGHT BE A RED-NECK IF YOU SEND YOUR CHILD TO REHAB BECAUSE YOU THINK HE IS HOOKED ON FONICKS.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By gigi
you might be a redneck if making beer is a neighborhood project.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Emma
Q. How do blondes eat jam? A. They peel doughnuts.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Emma
Q. How did the blonde die while drinking milk?
A. The cow sat on her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By zipper
Grandpa and his grandson walk into Kellys Bar. Grandpa orders a beer for him and his grandson a coke.His grandson asks "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa asks "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Grandson replies no. Grandpa says then you can't have a beer. After a few minutes, Grandpa lights up a cigarette. The grandson asks "Grandpa,can I have a cigarette?" Grandpa replies"Does your dick touch your asshole?" Grandson replies no. "Then you can't have a cigarette" After awhile, Grandpa buys 20 ripoff tickets, gives his grandson 10. Grandpa rips off 10 tickets and there was no winner. Grandson rips off and discovers he won $2000.00. Grandpa asks "Well are you going to share the winnings?" The grandson replies "Grandpa, Does your dick touch your asshole?" Grandpa replies "Why yes it does." Grandson says "Then good,Go fuck yourself"!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG WILL H
YOU KNOW HOW VALENTINES DAY AND SWEETEST DAY ARE FOR COUPLES WHAT DAY IS FOR BACHELORS?
PALM SUNDAY

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Web Widow
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
He: "I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
She: "Whatever for?"
He: "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
She: "Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Web Widow
The ideal man is like a beluga whale--he has a four foot tongue and can breathe out of a hole in the top of his head.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
I was in the subway today when I felt a hand in my pocket. I turned to the owner of the hand and asked, "What are you doing?" He said, "Looking for a match." I asked, "Why didn't you ask for one?" He said, "I don't talk to strangers."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Robert Flowers
Q: What is the difference between a lesbian and a triscut?
A: Ones a snack cracker ones a crack snacker...

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Robert Flowers
what do you call the brown sludge on a homosexuals penis?? GAY PUPON!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Robert Flowers
A man and woman get married as the man parks the car at the motel the girl registers, she tells the man at the front desk "we just got married and need a room" he says A BRIDAL? she says "no he's use to his ears!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Robert Flowers
Q: Whats the difference between 69ing and driving in the fog?
A: When your 69ing you can still see the asshole in front of you!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?" "Don't miss me, mister." "Well then, you better make it 13."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Emily Tanselle AKA Sassy
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because when you hit 69 you gotta' turn around.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michael
Q. What's the difference between Pamela Anderson and driving a Skoda?
A. You feel a real tit driving a Skoda!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars. " She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
"Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend, "when did you first realize that you were in love with me?" "Well, I suppose..." whispered the man tenderly, "it was when I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a lousy lay."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK* bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris Morrell
There is an enchanted cliff. If you jump off the cliff and yell something, that's what you will become. Three men go up and the first jumps off and says, "A bird." And he transforms into a bird and flitters away. The second jumps off and yells a lizard. He transforms and falls gently into a tree. The third starts running then trips off a stone and falls off screaming, "Shit!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris Morrell
Three women are stranded on an island. One day, one of the girls finds a magic lamp. They rub it three times and the genie comes out. He says he will grant them all one wish. The first woman says, "I wish to be a thousand times smarter." The genie grants her wish and she builds a raft and paddles away. The second woman says, "I wish to be a hundred thousand time smarter." The genie grants her wish and she builds an airplane and takes off. The third woman says, "I wish to be a million times smarter." And she turned into a man.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Steve
Q: What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market?
A:Hello Ladies!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By tim
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two the hard part is getting them in there.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Beerstick
Three baptist preachers and their wives were killed in a car wreck. When they got to the pearly gates St.Peter told the first preacher "sorry preacher I can't let you in, all your life you lusted after money. You lusted after money so bad you wouldn't marry until you found a woman named Penny." St. Peter looked at the second preacher and said "sorry preacher I can't let you in, all your life you lusted after alcohol. You lusted after alcohol so bad you wouldn't marry until you found a woman named Sherry." So the third preacher looked at his wife and said "come on Fanny no sense in me and you even trying."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By todd lang
There is this Red guy driving down the road in his red truck, and it is dead nite ,and in da middle of nowhere he brakes down.well he gets out of the truck and looks around and sees a house so he goes 2 da house and notices its pink well he knocks on the door and a pink lady comes 2 da door and the man tells him how he broke down and need 2 use da phone 2 call the red garage, so the woman says ok you go down the hall make a left at the door go throught the pink door go down the pink stars and there is a pink phone there, so he goes 2 da phone and calls but the place is closed so the lady says it's ok 4 him 2 stay till mornen. A little bit later a blue guy is driving down the road in his blue truck and brakes down in front of the same house and he goes 2 da pink house and knockes on the pink door and the lady comes so he tells his story of how he broke down and needs 2 call the blue garage, so she says ok go down the hall make a left go throught the dore down the stares and use the pink phone, so he does, he come up and says the place was closed, so the lady told him 2 stay the nite ... in the mornen they wake up and they lady ask what they want 4 breakfast rice crispies or corn flakes, the blue mn sais corn flakes the red man says corn flakes the pink lady sais shell have rice crispies, what is da moral of the story? 2 outa 3 choose corn flakes.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By marie petrik
There was once a preacher, and he was new to the congregation. His first sermon was terrible, for he was nervous and jittery. The head preacher told him that he should keep a glass of vodka next to the pew and drink it when he got nervous. So the next Sunday, the new preacher does what he was told and then gives a fiery sermon. Later that day he finds a note on his door:

  1. sip the vodka, don't gulp
  2. there are 10 commandments, not 12
  3. there are 12 disciples not 10
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
  5. Jacob wagered on his donkey, not bet on hiss ass
  6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
  7. The father, son, and holy ghost are not refered to as Daddy, Juniour and Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock, and knocked off his donkew, don't say stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the big T
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said "take eat, for it is my body", not eat me.
  12. The virgin Mary is not refered to as Mary with the Big cherry.
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rubba-dub, thanks for the grub...YAH GOD"
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at Saint Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at Saint Taffys.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Karin
Why do blondes put TGIF on the top of their shoes? So that they know that toes go in first.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Donovan
Q:What do you call 2 blondes in an Airplane? A:Air pockets.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Todd Lang
yo mama is so fat that when she went to take a bath the water jumpd out and said it will wait it's turn!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Todd Lang
yo moma is so bald when she puts on a turtle neck she looks like role-on deodrant.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Todd Lang
yo moma is so fat that when she got hit by a truck she said "STOP PUSHN"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Todd Lang
your moma is so ugly when she was a child her mom had to tie a pork chop around her neck so the dog would play with her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Todd Lang
yo momas so fat, chapstick had to come out with a spray.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Todd Lang
yo momas so fat when she walks across the room the radio skips.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By fred
Q: What is the definition of eterinty?
A: A blond at a stop sign.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jennifer keyser
How do blondes spell farm?
E-I-E-I-O

Smile This Joke was Submitted By joni
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
It's the 1st day of school for all the little 2nd graders, and the teacher is running late. As she enters the class, she apologizes for her tardiness, and turns to write her name on the board and sees already written there "tt + 1a" She turns to the class and asks who wrote this and what does it mean. Sally stands and says, "To Teacher ... 1 apple!" She commends Sally for her nice gesture and proceeds with the class. The next day she comes to work and already finds written on the board, "tt + 1o" She again turns to the class and inquires for an explanation, this time Joey stands and says, "To Teacher ... 1 orange." Next day she comes to work, half-way expecting to find some more 2nd grade "cryptic" words, opens the door .... and gets the shock of her life. She sees the words "tt fuck + 1t" Horrified, she turns to the class and screams, "WHO WROTE THIS?" Little Juan stands and say "To Teacher, From Us Chicano Kids .... 1 Taco!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach you to remember things by association. Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him. "Who was the instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Umm...what's that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns...?" "A rose?" offered the neighbor. "Right," said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cory Woodstock
Q: Why don't blondes waterski?
A: Because once they get their crotches wet they want to lay down!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Aemie and Leya
A blonde man in an airplane has been waiting for an hour to go to the bathroom, but it turns out it is occupied. Finally, the stewardess notices the man and says,"You can use the lady's room if you listen to me carefully. There are 4 buttons that you are not allowed to press. These buttons say: WW, WA, BP, and ATR." The man agrees and goes to the ladies bathroom. While he's sitting there, he gets curious and presses WW button and warm water washes his bottom. The man is pleased and presses the WA button and warm air dries his bottom. Then he presses the BP button and baby powder sprinkles his bottom. The man thinks that women really have it made and decides to press the ATR button. He awakes to find himself in a hospital bed with the stewardess by his side. She says," I told you not to press the buttons. The ATR was the automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under the pillow."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff Zambory
Did you hear that they had to close the stadium? The crowd was doing the wave and two blonds drowned.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Brad
a foursome was out on the golf course enjoying their day off from the busy work week at the office. About the third hole they hear this "bleep-bleep....bleep-bleeb",three of the fellas look around at their freind bewildered.The fourth pushes his hand and holds it to his ear and begins talking. After his conversation he explains to his buddies how his electronics expert neighbor implanted his cell phone into his hand...a very cool idea they all thought! Again at the ninth hole they hear this "bleep-bleep",but they are in a revine with lots of trees around. The fourth looks around to see if anyone is watching,pulls down his pants and whips out his d*ck....explaining once again how his neighbor implanted his cell phone antenna...very cool they all thought! Aproaching the eighteenth...once again...."bleep-bleep...bleep-bleep" then bleeeeeeeeeppp.The fourth man rushes to pull his pants down,bends over and yells"Watch out ....incoming fax!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike
A newly wed couple are enjoying their first night together on their honeymoon. Being inexperienced and a little embarassed about having sex they want to set up a signal to let the other one know when they want to have sex. They finally decide to call it "doing the laundry". So after a long first night of "doing the laundry" the newlyweds fall asleep in each other's arms. After a while the man wakes up. Feeling a little aroused at seeing his naked wife laying next to him he nudges her and says, "lets do the laundry." She moans, turns over and says, "I'm too tired honey, go back to sleep." The next morning the wife wakes up first and nudges her husband awake. "I'm sorry about last night honey I was being a little selfish. I'm ready to do the laundry now." Her husband replies, "that's OK, it was a small load so I did it by hand."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By n\a
What do you do when a blond throws a pin at you? Run like hell she has a grenade in her mouth.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BlknBlu
A man walks OUT of a bar, notices a bum panhandling on the corner. Then bum asks him, "Mr. Do you have a dollar you can spare?" and as the man thinks about it, he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, your not gunna use it to buy liquor, are you?". "No", replies the bum. The man then asks,"And you won't use it to gamble will you?". Again, the bum says,"No". The man then says, "Ok, there's a dollar in it for you, ONLY if you come home with me and show my wife what happens to a man who doesnt DRINK OR GAMBLE"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BlknBlu
A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and starts swinging him around in a circle.The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what do you think your doing?". The blind man then answers, "Dont mind me, Im just looking around"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DARYL
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TEXAN WHO TRADED HIS WIFE FOR AN OUT HOUSE? HE SAID THE HOLE WAS SMALLER AND IT SMELLED BETTER.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rich Green
Q. Did you hear about the blonde elevator operator who was fired from her job?
A. She couldn't learn the route.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kim Hunter
Q. Why do blondes wear tampons when they go skydiving?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Screwy
Why are blonde jokes all one-liners?
So men can understand them.


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