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Kelly's Bar Jokes
13
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Smile This Joke was Submitted By tangleteed
why do farts stink?
So that the deaf can enjoy them too.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dan Labonne
The Polish Government conferred today with the U.N. stating the fact that they were going to send a 7 man team on a research vessle to the sun. The U.N. in reply said if you want to risk all that money and equipment it ok but we recommend that you don't go the sun will burn you up before you get even close. The poles in return said not to worry that they were going at night-time!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Greg
there was 3 nuns who died, and went to heaven, and God said that if each of them could answer a question they could get into heaven. The nuns all agree and god asks his first question. It was-Who was the first man on earth, and the nun said Adam, and she was allowed in. the second nuns question was- "who was the first woman on earth?, and she said "Eve" and she was allowed in. the third nun got her question and it was-"what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?", and she said...."Gee, thats a hard one", and the bells rang and lights turned on and she went into heaven.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alec Torelli
There is a girl with no arms and no legs and she starts crying. A guy comes up to her and says why are you crying and she says I have never been huged before so he hugs her. A few minutes later she is crying again and he says why are you crying and she says I have never been kissed before so he kisses her. A few minutes later she is crying again and he says why are you crying now and she says I have never been scrued before so he picks her up and throws her in the water and says NOW YOU ARE SCREWED

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Frank Smith
Your so fat when you go to the Atlantic Ocean the whales say we are family

Smile This Joke was Submitted By john
in days of old when knights were bold, and condoms weren't invented. They tied a sock around their cock and babies were prevented.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anna Banana
This guy comes into a bar and sits down. About 5 min. after that this pirate comes in and sits next to him. Now this priate had a peg leg, a patch over his eye, and a hook for a hand. And to strike up a conversation the man says to the pirate "Wow, how'd you get that peg leg??" and the pirate replies "Oh, I was in hand to hand battle when a man cut me leg off." Wow, and how'd you get the hook for a hand??" "Well, I was shark infested water, and a shark bit me hand off."" "Scary, and how come you have that patch on your eye??" "Well a bird pooped in me eye!" "Well, I don't get it! You've been in hand to hand battle and got your leg cut off, and you've been in shark infested water and got your hand ripped off, and you have that patch on your eye cuz a bird pooped in your eye???" "Well, it was the first day I had me hook!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Pep
There were these 3 guys -french -english -american They all fell in loe with the same woman. One day on a cliff she met all 3 of them. She told them that when she threw her watch off the cliff she would marry them. She threw her first watchoff The frenchman ran down the the cliff and missed the watch. She threw another one off and the english guy ran down the cliff and the watch broke (of course they both missed it) Then she said "Oh no i ran out of watches!" Then the american said "Here take mine." she took the watch and threw it down the american WALKED down slowly and a half hour later returned with the watch in his hand. The others go "How'd you do that?!" He said "All's I did was set my watch a half an hour later!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kittens
This is a golf one!.There was this man who had a really bad golf shot. So he finally went up to an instructor for help. The instructor said to the man: "Ok, let me see your shot". He took his shot and it went a crappy 20 ft. So finally the instructor said to him: "Ok, i'll help you out. Take the golf club and pretend it was your wife's breasts. Hold it gently as if you were making love to them". So he did just that, and man what a shot! Almost a hole in 1!!! Since the instructor helped him out so much, he thought he could do the same for his wife. She goes up to the instructor and takes her shot. She was so terrible she couldnt even hit the ball!. So the instructor says: "Pretend that you are holding your husbands penis. Be very gently when handling the club, then swing." She does just that and, what a disappointing shot. Two measly feet. "What am I doing wrong?", said the wife. "Well, you know," said the instructor, "you might try using your hands to swing the club, instead of holding it in your mouth!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By john
there was a man who was stranded on a desert island and his only company was a dog and a pig, after a while the man starts to get a little horny, so he is trying to think, the pig or the dog? after a couple days he thinks he'll go with the pig, so he goes over to bang it, but the dog keeps barking and biting him evry time he tries to bang it, so he tries to think of a way to get around the dog when a goddes of a woman comes along from the other side of the island, whom he had no idea was over there, and she remarkes how lonly she is, and that she will do anything for him, so he with no hesitstion blurts out, "would you please walk the dog?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By FRANK D.. SHAFFER
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN TOU PUT A BIRD INTO A BLENDER? SHREDDED TWEET!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By your name
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. He chugs it down and looks in his pocket. He does this for about 10 more times. Then the bartender asked him why he kept on doing that.The man replied every time i take a drink I get more drunk and inside my pocket contains a picture of my wife when she looks good to me i go home!
1tequila 2tequila 3tequila FLOOR

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Me
Q:what's round and has a head?
A: A nickel

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ned Bradley
Q:how can you tell if yure girlfreind is an airhead?
A:rub her head against youre sweater and see if she sticks to the ceiling!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bdeason
A man wanted his wife to love golf as much as he did, sohe hired her a golf instructer to teach her how to play. The next day the golg instructer and wife went to the golf course. He started out by telling her to hold the golf club like you would hold a baby bird, very gentle. She tried this and putted, the golf ball went about a ft or 2 then stopped. He seen that that didnt work, so he told her to hold the golf club like she would hold a tube of toothpaste, firm but not firm enough to squeeze the paste out. She tried this and it went farthur but didnt go far enough. The golf instructor thought about it, and then told her to hold the golf club like she would hold her husbands dick, she tried this and made a hole in one. The golf instructor said "thats good, now we have to work on getting the golf club out of your mouth."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By James B
Ok. there were three ducks in a pond blowing bubbles, a police officer walks up to the pond, one duck walks out and the officer ask the duck for his name, so he said duck, so he ask what he was doing and the duck said blowing bubbles, the officer said ok you can go. The second duck walks out and the officer ask the ducks name and he said duck duck he said what were you doing, so he said blowing bubbles so he said ok you can go. The third duck walks out and the officer looked at the duck and said ley me guess your name is duck duck duck and the duck replied no my name is Bubbles.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By larry
Theres three guys an english man an american man and a chinese man.They're on there camels and just before they get to the cactus patch the devil appears, he said to all three of the men give your camel beans tonight and if he farts you'll go to hell. So the american gave his camel beans and then crossed the cactus patch and half way through the camel farts. The english man gave his camel bean and then crossed the cactus patch. Once again the camel farts. The chinese man gave his camel bean and crossed the cactus patch. nothing happend. The devil the re-apppeared and said "WHAT YOUR CAMEL DID NOT FART" the chinese man sings "Me chinese, me no dumb, me stick cork up camels bum" I'M NOT RASIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS JUST A JOKE

Smile This Joke was Submitted By larry
There was three nuns sitting on a bench and a flasher came by and flashed them. The first nun had a stroke, the second one had a stroke and the third kept her hand to herself!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By tracy
why cant miss piggy count to 100 because everytime she gets to 69 shes got a frog in her thoat

Smile This Joke was Submitted By HENRIK "RAINMAN"
AN AIRPLANE WAS CROSSIN THE ATLANTIC JUST THE OTHER DAY. ONE OF THE WINGS STARTED TO BURN AND ON THE RADIO THEY HEARD THE CAPTAIN SAY,- WE´LL PROBABLY CRASH WITHIN 10 MINUTES, SO BUCKLE UP. THEN A YOUNG GIRL STOOD UP AND RIPPED HER SHIRT OFF AND SHOUTED,- SOMEONE PLEAS MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMEN ONE LAST TIME.. THEN A MAN STOOD UP, TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF AND SAID TO THE GIRL. - IRON THIS!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By No way
Shut up! ...NO you shut up!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Donna
How many Phyciastrist(spell?) does it take to change a light bulb? One. But the light bulb really has to want to change.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Brad Billings
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "you'll have to leave because we don't serve your type in here!" The mushroom replied "I don't know why you wouldn't serve me, I'm a fun guy!" (fungi)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dahlberg
what's the difference between like and love? Spit or Swallow!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kyle colson
ONE NIGHT 2 PARENTS WERE FIGHTING AND THEY CALLED EACH OTHER A BITCH AND BASTARD AND THE LITTLE BOY ASKED WHAT'S THAT, THEY SAID IT WAS HIS GRANDPARENTS. THE NEXT DAY THEY JUST GOT DONE FUCKING EACH OTHER AND THE MOM SAID DAMN YOU HAVE HAIRY BALLS AND THEN THE DAD SAID WELL YOU HAVE SAGGY TITS THEN THE BOY ASKED WHAT'S THAT, PARENTS SAID IT'S COATS AND HATS.THE NEXT DAY HIS MOM WAS CUTTING THE TURKEY AND CUT HERSELF AND YELLED FUCK THE BOY ASKED HER WHAT'S THAT AND SHE SAID IT WAS WHAT SHE DOES TO THE TURKEY. THEN HE GOES UPSTAIRS AND HIS DAD WAS SHAVING AND HE CUT HIMSELF AND YELLED SHIT AND THE BOY ASKED WHAT THAT WAS AND DAD SAID IT WAS WHAT HE SHAVES OFF OF HIS FACE. THEN THE DOORBELL RANG AND THE BOY ANSWERED IT AND IT WAS HIS GRANDPARENTS THE BOY SAID- HELLO BITHCHES AND BASTERDS MAY I TAKE YOUR SAGGY TITS AND HAIRY BALLS, MOM'S IN THE KITCHEN FUCKIN THE TURKEY AND DAD'S UPSTAIRS SHAVIN THE SHIT OFF HIS FACE

Smile This Joke was Submitted By adam nilsen
rrr

Smile This Joke was Submitted By KYLE COLSON
Q:why is 6 afraid of 7 A:because 7 8 9

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kyle colson
what do you sat to someone you don't like want to hear a slutty joke if they say yeh ,you say then go listen to your mom talk

Smile This Joke was Submitted By george
what does a mexican chicken say? Guac. guac.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Omar
What do you say to a constipated cat? Have a break - Have a shit cat!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Natasha
What's the difference between a Rolls Royce and a hedgehog? The hedgehog has its pricks on the outside!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By gamr
in an accident, a cruel gangster looses his reproductive organ. He orders the doctor to replace the organ, or else prepare to die.Out of panic, and finding no other substitue, the doctor places monkey genitalia on the person. The gangster eventually married, and his wife soon became pregneant. After the delivery of the child, the nurses rushed out of the delivery room.The apprehensive father asked whether it was a boy or a girl, at which one of the nurses replied, "We r not sure, but we will find out as soon as someone brings him down from the ceiling fan!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By gamr
when boy first meets girl,boy talks and girl listens...then they fall in love now girl talks and boy listens...finally they marry ..now both talk no one listens

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Amanda
An 18 year old, a 15 year old, and a 10 year old all went on their dates. the 18 year old came home with red all over her pants. Their mother asks, "What happened to your pants?" The girl says, "I popped my cherry!" The 15 year old came home with red all over her pants. Their mother asks, "What happened to your pants?" She says, "I popped my cherry!" The 10 year old came home with green all over her pants. Their mother asks, "What happened to your pants?" She says, "My cherry wasn't ripe yet!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bulldog and Corrina
There were three gay men screwing in a bed.The first one called fuck me harder fuck me harder. The second one said Iam trying Iam trying. The third one yelled hold on to your horses Iam coming through!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bitch
One day a man was taking a shower and relized he was out of soap. Being so lazy he didn't put on his clothes, just an old overcoat. Since he didn't have a car he had to walkto the corner store. When he got to the store he bought 2 kinds of soap: a regular bar of soap and soap-on-a-rope. To make his trip shorter he cut through an old alley way but his coat caught on a nail and came off and right then 3 nuns walked by so he stood still. The first nun said that it was the soap God. She walked up to the man put a quarter in his mouth, pulled on his dick then took the regular bar of soap. The second nun did the same thing but took the soap-on-a-rope. The third nun did the same thing but when she pulled on his dick she cried out " Hurry sisters, get me a cup! It's liqued soap!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Corrina
One Day a man noticed a pink ring around his dick. So the next day he went to the doctor and the doctor gave him some pills and told him to take them every 4 hours. If they didn't work come back the next day. So the man took the pills and the next day the pink ring was still there. The doctor gave him some more pills and told him to take them every 2 hours. The next day the pink ring was still there so he went back to the doctor and he told him to rubb this cream on his dick befor he went to bed. The next day he woke up and the pink ring was gone. He said doctor what was that stuff? Lipstick Remover.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bulldog
Red,Red pee the bed wipe it up with gingerbread put it in a old rusty can and sell it to the boggey man.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bitch
" The woodpecker pecked at the school house door, he pecked and he pecked till his peck was sore." .

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bulldog
Q.What did the squirrle say to the mouse?? A.Come up the tree and I'll show you my nuts.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Corrina
Q.How do you kill a retard? A.Put a knife in his hand.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Angel
QThere was a boy born over in Oakland Md.without any eye lids.What did the doctor do? A.Well he took skin off his dick and guess what happend?He went COCKEYED !!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By matt sundlee
Their were these 3 flies and they decided to spend the night at this one girls house. The frist one decided to sleep in her hair,the second one decided to sleep in between her tits,and the 3 one decided to sleep in her pussy. The next day they woke up and the second one asked the first one how he slept. The first one said I slept like hell I kept on coughing up hair. The second one said I slept all right but I got banged around. The third one come out all black and bursed up,the first one and the second one asked him what happened. The third on said, well frist this bald guy walked into the joint he threw a punch so I threw a punch and then he spit on me!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By LEXIE
Q: What do you call a can of tuna fish in a lesbian's room? A: Potpourri

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Philippe Ménard
Three men meet in a bar. Of course, after some drinking they start talking about their wives. - My wife is so stupid, one says, she bought a bike helmet, and we don't have a bike! - You think that's bad?, the other one goes. My wife is so stupid, she bought a set of winter tires, and we don't even have a car. - That's nothing. My wife is stupider than that, says the third guy. She went on vacation in the south for two weeks. - So? - So she bought a pack of condoms and she doesn't even have a penis!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DICK KENNEDY
THREE SOLDIERS WERE IN A FOXHOLE A WHITE SOLDIER, A JEWISH SOLDIER AND A BLACK SOLDIER. JUST THEN A BOMB EXPLODED KILLING ALL THREE. WHEN THEY GOT TO THE PEARLY GATES ST PETER SAID " IF YOU AGREE TO GIVE $10,000 TO THE CHURCH I WILL LET YOU GO BACK TO LIFE, THE WHITE SOLDIER SAID OK SO POOF HE WAS ALIVE BACK IN THE FOXHOLE. JUST THEN ONE OF HIS FRIENDS JUMPED INTO THE FOXHOLE AND SAID" HOW COME YOUR NOT DEAD? I SAW ARMS LEGS AND HEADS OF ALL COLORS FLY OUT OF HERE AFTER THE BOMB EXPLODED AND YOUR STILL ALIVE IT'S A MIRACLE"!! THE WHITE SOLDIER THEN TOLD HIS BUDDY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED WITH ST PETER AND SAID THAT HE AGREED TO GIVE THE CHURCH $10,000 SO HERE HE IS. BUT WHERES THE JEW AND THE BLACK GUY HIS BUDDY ASKED? WELL, WHEN I LEFT THE JEW HAD HIM DOWN TO $500 DOLLARS AND THE BLACK GUY WAS LOOKING FOR A CO-SIGNER.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DICK KENNEDY
THREE SOLDIERS WERE IN A FOXHOLE A WHITE SOLDIER, A JEWISH SOLDIER AND A BLACK SOLDIER. JUST THEN A BOMB EXPLODED KILLING ALL THREE. WHEN THEY GOT TO THE PEARLY GATES ST PETER SAID " IF YOU AGREE TO GIVE $10,000 TO THE CHURCH I WILL LET YOU GO BACK TO LIFE, THE WHITE SOLDIER SAID OK SO POOF HE WAS ALIVE BACK IN THE FOXHOLE. JUST THEN ONE OF HIS FRIENDS JUMPED INTO THE FOXHOLE AND SAID" HOW COME YOUR NOT DEAD? I SAW ARMS LEGS AND HEADS OF ALL COLORS FLY OUT OF HERE AFTER THE BOMB EXPLODED AND YOUR STILL ALIVE IT'S A MIRACLE"!! THE WHITE SOLDIER THEN TOLD HIS BUDDY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED WITH ST PETER AND SAID THAT HE AGREED TO GIVE THE CHURCH $10,000 SO HERE HE IS. BUT WHERES THE JEW AND THE BLACK GUY HIS BUDDY ASKED? WELL, WHEN I LEFT THE JEW HAD HIM DOWN TO $500 DOLLARS AND THE BLACK GUY WAS LOOKING FOR A CO-SIGNER.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DICK KENNEDY
THREE SOLDIERS WERE IN A FOXHOLE A WHITE SOLDIER, A JEWISH, SOLDIER AND A BLACK SOLDIER. JUST THEN A BOMB EXPLODED KILLING ALL THREE. WHEN THEY GOT TO THE PEARLY GATES ST PETER SAID " IF YOU AGREE TO GIVE $10,000 TO THE CHURCH I WILL LET YOU GO BACK TO LIFE, THE WHITE SAID OK SO POOF HE WAS ALIVE BACK IN THE FOXHOLE. JUST THEN ONE OF HIS FRIENDS JUMPED INTO THE FOXHOLE AND SAID" HOW COME YOUR NOT DEAD? I SAW ARMS LEGS AND HEADS FLY OUT OF HERE AFTER THE BOMB EXPLODED AND YOUR STILL ALIVE IT'S A MIRACLE11 THE WHITE SOLDIER THEN TOLD HIS BUDDY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED WITH ST PETER AND SAID THAT HE AGREED SO HERE HE IS. BUT WHERES THE JEW AND THE BLACK GUY HIS BUDDY ASKED? WELL, WHEN I LEFT THE JEW HAD HIM DOWN TO $500 DOLLARS AND THE BLACK GUY WAS LOOKING FOR A CO-SIGNER.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By wendy
Two fleas meet up in Florida every winter for a warm vacation together, however they never travel together. When they meet up the first flea is shivering and shaking, with his teeth chattering. The second flea sees the first and asks,"What is the problem?" "I'm freezing" says the first flea,"I travelled here on a biker's moustache". "Are you crazy??", asks the second flea. "Let me tell you how to get here...First you go to a bar and find a stewardess. Then you climb up into her panties and find a safe warm spot to wait...Then voila, you are here, safe and warm!" "I'm going to try that next year", says the first flea. The next year the two meet up again and once again the first flea is frozen and shivering. "What the heck happened, I thought I told you how to travel??" asked the second flea. " I don't know", replied the first" I took your advice, I went to a bar, found a stewardess, climbed into her panties and found a safe warm spot then I fell asleep -- Next thing I know I wake up and I'm in a biker's moustache!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JUSTIN JONES
A MAN WALKS BY A DUSTY LAMP. hE PICKS IT UP AND RUBS IT. POOF! A GENIE COMES OUT AND TELLS HIM TO GRANT A WISH. HE SAYS WOULD LIKE TO PISS OUT VODKA. WALLAH! HE PULLS DONW HIS PANTS AND PISSES INTO A BOTTLE. HE PICKS UP THE BOTTLE AND SMELLS IT, SURE ENOUGH IT SMELLS LIKE VODKA. HE TAKES A SWIG, AND IT TASTES LIKE VODKA. HE GOES HOME, AND TREATS HIS WIFE TO VODKA EVERY NIGHT AFTER WORK BY BRINGING HOME VODKA EVERY NIGHT. SHE ASKS WHERE HE IS GETTING ALL THIS VODKA, BUT HE HUSHES HER QUESTIONS. ONE NIGHT HE COMES HOME BEAT TIRED FROM WORK, AND SHE ASKS WHERE IS THE VODKA! WELL, TONIGHT I AM TOO FUCKIN TIRED, SO YOU ARE JUST GONNA HAVE TO DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE. SHE GASPS AT FIRST, BUT SWALLOWS WITH EASE. IT'S LIKE THE SAYING EASY COME, EASY GO

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JUSTIN JONES
WHY CAN'T MISS PIGGY COUNT TO 100?
BECAUSE EVERYTIME SHE GETS TO 69, SHE GETS A FROG IN HER THROAT. OH KERMIE!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By wouldn't you like to know
There are three men , they go to a store,there they buy three manhoods, one guy buys a wooden one,another a steel one,and another a 60 miles long one. the next day the three men returned, the store keeper asked each guy how good their manhoods worked,one guy (wood)said,"My wife now has splinters."another guy(steel) said "mine rusted, it can't move."and anothe(60 miles long) grunted and yelled,There I got one!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By steffen
These two indians were trying to track a buffalo. The tracker stopped, picked up a sample of the ground, rubbed it in his fingers and said,"Buffalo come." then the other indian said, "How do you know?" the tracker said, "Sticky"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave
There was this guy driving in his shagin waggon with all his mates asleep in the back. They were awoken by a BANG BANG and they said to Jim up the front what was that? He said "I just hit a lawyer. They said why was there two bangs. He replied "I had to go through the fence first!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By PAUL GROEN
THIS GAY DUDE GOES TO THE BUTCHERY AND ASK THE BUTCHER FOR A PIECE OF SALAMI 12 INCHES LONG.THE BUTCHER REPLIES "DO YOU WANT IT WHOLE OR SLICED"AND THE GAY REPLIES "DOES MY ASS LOOK LIKE A PAYPHONE"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By unknown
This guy walks in the bar and there is a jar of money on the counter. The guy asks what it is for and the bartender replies if you can go beat up that tough body guard have sex with that ugly women and pull out all the teeth of the pitbull outside you get all the money. The guy is not stupid and says no. After a few drinks the guy said okay i will do it. So he walks over to the body guard and knocks him unconsiouse then he goes outside to where the dog is. You hear the dog yelping and barking and then the guy comes back in. Then he asked the bartender

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John
A man walks by a gay bar and thinks, "I'm very thirsty for a cold beer, I guess it's alright to stop in for just one". At the bar the bartender asks "Whats the name of your penis?". The patron, not knowing what to make of the question asks the bartender what he's talking about. The bartender replies "Before I can serve you a beer you have to tell me the name of your penis." So the patron asks the bartender "What's the name of your penis?". The bartender replies "Nike - you know, Just Do It". The patron thought for a second as the bartender asked once again "So what's the name of your penis?". The patron replied "Secret - you know, Strong Enough for a Man Yet Made For a Woman!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Steve miles
three guys in a plane. A Canadian, a Mexican and an Asian. The plane is loosing altitude so they must throw things out. The asian throws out rice "we have to much of this in my country. The mexican throws out beans "we have too much of this in my country". The Canadian takes the other two and throws them out of the plane "we have too many immigrants in our country !!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anne
A man and his wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. Rather than going out for an extravagant evening on the town, the happy couple decided to celebrate witha quiet night at home. SO there they sat in front of a warm cozy fire with a bottle of wine and some soft music, when the wife stands up and tears off all of her clothes. She stands in front of the fireplace in her birthday suit and asks her husband, "Honey, when you first saw me 25 years ago, what is the first thing that crossed your mind?" The husband replied: "Well, to tell you the truth,I wanted to suck your breasts dry and screw your brains out." "Really,?" replied his wife. "Well now what do you think?" The husband answered, "I think I did a pretty good job!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joel T. Rice
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A pussy is warm and furry, and a cunt is the person who owns it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joel T. Rice
Why is parsley like a pubic hair?
You push them both aside to get at what you really want to eat.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kate Ruhlen
A man walks into a bar with a monkey. They sat down and the monkey grabbed the sugar cubes and started running all over ther place. The monkey ate the beer nuts, the pretzels, a cue ball, and some chocolate. The bartender got mad and told the guy to take his monkey and leave. So about a week later, the man brought his monkey back to the bar. Once again, the monkey ate the sugar and started running around again. He went over to the fruit plate and stuck a cherry up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it. The bartender looked at the man and asked him why the monkey just did that and the man said "Well, ever since he ate that cue ball, he's measured everything he eats".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By unkown
man walks into a bar... orders a beer...bartender gives him one....asks bartender, what kind of bird that is above the bar...bartender says that is a cockatoo...then asks where's the crowd...bartender says that they will be around in a little while......man drinks 8 more beers...asks the bartender , what kind of bird is that.... bartender says the same thing..... it's a cockatoo.... drunk looks at the bartender and say's that if you get rid of that cockatoo and get a cunt-or-two you would get a crowd

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Unckle Kunkel
Q: Why did the Simese twins move back and forth from the United States to England every six months?
A: So they could take turns driving,

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bonkers
"You are so poor that I went to your house and rang the door bell and your mamma stuck her head out the window and yelled Ding-Dong!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Brian Post
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness, I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said: "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By s.dave
A naked lady walks into a bar. The lady asks the bartender for a beer and a shot. The bartender says that's fine ...but uh how are you gonna pay for that? The lady points to her crotch. The bartender asks "do you have anything smaller than that?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jonathan Hawkins
HOW TO KILL AN EEL
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, > > rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting > > from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. > > One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became > > flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him > > to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister > > and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny > > described everything to his mother. > > "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he > > turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug > > her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started > > looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his > > hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor > > would, except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed > > to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, > > because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all > > out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold be > > cause he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward > > the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know > > it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot. > > "Finally, I found out what was making them so sick. A big > > eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of > > his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! Anyway, > > he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis > > saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth > > fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like > > that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! > > "Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting > > its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel > > go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both > > hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket > > and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting her > > again. > > "Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor > > lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. It > > put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and > > her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to > > kill the eel by squashing it between them. > > "After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. > > Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I > > knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its > > insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little > > tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He > > started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel > > wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to > > fight again. I guess eels are like cats, they have nine lives or > > something. > > "This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sit- > > ting on it. After another long struggle, they finally killed the > > eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend > > peel of the skin and flush it down the toilet." > > Mother fainted.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Reidi Morgani
what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rino?? elephino

Smile This Joke was Submitted By cheri
this missionary goes to an indian camp she sees a buck with 1 feather in his head band she says whats the feather for me fuckem 1 sqaw. shes appauled goes on through the camp seea a buck with 2 feathers asks him the same thing he says me fuckem 2sqaws she gives him a look finally she comes to the chief of course he has feathers all over she ask the same question again he says me fuckem many sqaws she says well thats hostile hostile doggie style any style she says oh dear hesays no dear ass to hi run to fast she told him you ought to be hung he says i am like buffalo

Smile This Joke was Submitted By cheri
guy goes into abar orders a drink bartender says whats his name? guy says whats whos name? he says your dick iwont serve you unless you tell me this is a gay bar and thats the rule he says give me a minute i'll have to think about it when the bartender comes back he says times up guy says ok his name is secret bartender says what kind of name is that? strong enough for a man but made for a woman

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DODO
Once there was a man traveling. Then a storm came. so he saw a big house and nocked on the door. Then owner came and said do you want to spend the night. The other man said yes I do. The owner said only on one condition do not go to my daughter's room and kiss her,he said okay I the night when the owner was sleeping the man went into the daughter's room and had sex with her and kiss her. In the morning the owner found out that the man kisses the daughter by a camera in the room. He says you fool why did you kiss her and have sex with her. The man says "white stuff came out of her mouth. The owner says she is dead.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By HARRY SAC
WHY DO AVON LADIES WALK FUNNY, BECAUSE THERE LIPS STICK

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jerry krywanczyk
A bear and a rabbit were walking through the woods one day when the bear ran into the bushes and took a nasty shit. On his way back towards the rabbit the bear asked "hey rabbit do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur"? The puzzled rabbit answered "no." "Good" said the bear and wiped his ass with the rabbit and threw him in the bushes.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BRUSIER
YOUR ON MY TO DO LIST <

Smile This Joke was Submitted By no name
Why did tigger have his head in the toilet?A: He was looking for Pooh!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Colin Gantz
Q:How did the Dairy Queen get pregnant? A:The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Aaron
Why are camels called the ships of the desert?
Because they are full of Arab seamen.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Roger
what do you call a drug ring in Dallas a huddle

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jose Honesto
One time there was 3 guys who were driving for 3 straight nights. They stop at a barn asking if they could stay there for the night. The owner said yes as long as they would'nt have sex with his daughter. If you do I'll kill who ever does. They agreed. So the next day the man asked the first guy to pull down his pant. When he did his dick fell off. The owner said you had sex with my daughter. The guy denied it. Then the owner told him your dick fell off because I put razors in her my daughetr's pussy. So the owner kills him. He tell the next guy pull down your pants. When he did his dick fell off. The owner guy tells him you had sex with my daughter. The guy denied it. The owner tell him I know because I put razors in my daughter's pussy. So the owner kills him. He tellls the last guy pull down your pant. When he does his dick does'nt fall off. The owner tell him how is that possible. You had sex with my daughter too. The man tried to talk but when he opened his mouth his toungh fell out.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt Loppnow
If a man talks dirty to a woman it is called sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man it's $3.99 a minute.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JIM McDOODALL
Paddy and Murphy were walking along and they made a bet to see who could stay in the air the longest after jumping off a cliff.So they both met that evening and Paddy had a budgee in both hands,so he jumped and fell and broke his back.Then Murphy was about to jump,he had a parrot in one hand and a shotgun in the other,he jumped and shot the parrot up the arse and then he fell and broke his back,they both lay there side by side and Paddy said "Thats the last time i'll go budgee-jumping."Then Murphy said"Thats the last time i'll go parrot-shooting!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By big boy
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and an Aggie of which are all friends, go to a motel. They go up to the teller and ask for three rooms, but the teller tells them that he only has one room open and that one person could sleep outside in the barn. Well they go to the room to decide which one will go to the barn. The Jew volenters first and goes out to the barn. In a few minutes there is a knock on the door, it is the Jew, he explains that there is a pig in the barn and due to his religion he can't sleep in the barn. Next the Hindu volenters, so he goes out to the barn. Again a few minutes later he comes back and explains that there is a cow in the barn and due to his religion he can't sleep in the barn. So of course the Aggie is forced to go to the barn. In a few minutes there is a knock on the door and it is the cow and pig!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim
A guy walks into a bar with a small monkey on his shoulder. He (and the monkey) take a seat at the bar and the guy orders a drink -- proceeds to drink it, then orders a second. The monkey sits there looking around quietly. SUDDENLY -- the monkey jumps up on the bar, grabs a bowl of lemon slices and eats them all. Then the monkey RUNS to the other end of the bar, grabs a large bowl of popcorn and stuffs all of it in his mouth. Finally, the monkey runs across the room to the pool table -- looks around for a moment -- and, then grabs the cue ball and swallows it! The bartender (with his mouth hanging open) says "HEY -- did you see what your monkey just did???". The man replies "Yeah -- I'm really sorry, I love that damn monkey but he tends to eat EVERYTHING. I'll pay you for the things he ate". So the man paid for his drinks and the monkey's "meal" and they left the bar as they had arrived. About a week later, the same guy walks into the bar with the monkey on his shoulder. They take the same bar stools, and the man orders a drink. The bartender, understandably nervous, keeps one eye on the monkey. A few minutes pass and SUDDENLY, the monkey JUMPS up on the bar, grabs a bowl of cherries -- pulls out ONE cherry and proceeds to shove it up his ass... The monkey then removes the cherry from his ass and EATS IT. The bartender (in a state of shock) says "KEERIST -- did you see what that monkey just did??? And the man replies - "Yup -- since that cue ball he still eats everything but now he measures it first" You may laugh now...

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Zac
There is this man and a lady who own a bar but then the woman dies and the man wants to name the bar after his wife so he say, Mary's head, Mary's butt, Mary's legs that's it Mary's legs. So the man names the bar Mary's legs. One day a man was waiting in front of the bar and another guy walks by and says"What are you waiting for?" So the man sato:tmach@surfsouth.com">Chip Marchant
Bankers do it with interest, Substaintial Penalty for Early Withdrawal.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Veronica
Three guys from California, Mexico,and China get together.The Chinese guy says I'm throwing rice out because there's too much of it in my country. Then the Mexican guy grabs beans and throws them out and says "There's too many of these in my country.Then the American grabs the Mexican and throws him.The Chinese guy says "Why did you do that?" And the American says there's too many of these in my country!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Veronica
There's three guys that work together,one is Swedish,one's Itailian,and one's Mexican.Every day they open thier lunch boxes and see the same lunch.The Swedish one has potatoes and meatballs,the Italian one has pasta,and the Mexican has burritoes.One day they all agree to jump off the building they're working on if they have the same lunch the next day.The next day comes and they all have the same lunch as before,so they all jump off the building and die. At the funeral the swedish wife is crying saying "Why didn't he tell me?" And the Italian wife is crying and saying "Why didn't he tell me?" And the mexican wife is just shaking her head,so the other wifes approach her and ask "Why aren't you crying?" The mexican wife looks up and says,"The Dumbass,he packs his own lunch!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nick Skillington
Q:What did the banana say to the vibrator? A:Why are you shaking....she's gonna eat me!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chuck & Tim
Q: Your so fat you have more fat cells than you do brain cells.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ben Altenhoff
Q: What is old, wrinkled, and smells like ginger?
A: Fred Astairs face.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Big Boy
This joke takes place way back when N. Y. C. was having such a problem with pigeons. The mayor put out a proclamation that he wanted somebody to get rid of his pigeons. About two weeks later a short man walks in and tells the mayor that he can rid him of his pigeons. The mayor asks how much it will cost to do this and the little man replied "It will cost you $250,000". The mayor didn't like that and he told him to get out of his office and not to let the door hit him in the ass. After this the bird problem got even worse so the mayor finally found the little man and told him to get rid of the pigeons. He then told the mayor it would still cost him the same price and the mayor agreed. The man then told the mayor to follow him up to the Empire State Building. When he got to the top he opened his briefcase and took out a little pink pigeon, which he wound up. When he let it go it started flying in circles around the building. Soon the sky was just black due to the flocks of pigeons following the pink one. After about thirty minutes the pink pigeon flew upto the sun and all the pigeons burned up. with an astonished look on his face the mayor turned to the little man and said, "You wouldn't happen to have a pink nigger in there would you"?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Big Boy
One day three guys went sailing, then this big wind blew up and blew them to what they thought was an uninhabited island. However they were wrong, some islanders jumped out and took them deep into the island's interior. Then an islander said to the first guy, "Death or Butta-Butta"?He thought about this to himself and eventually came to the conclusion that he was not yet ready to die, so he took Butta-Butta. The islanders then butt-fucked him and tied him to a pole. Then he asked the second man, "Death or Butta-Butta"? He took the same thing and therfore got the same traetment. They then asked the third man and he said death, because he did not want that to happen to him. All the islanders started gasping and the chief said, "Death by Butta-Butta"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By casper @o-dogg
how do you confuise katie early? put her in a round room and tell her to pea in the coner

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Big Boy
One day two sperm were swimming along and one turned to the other, "Man I'm tired, when are we going to get to the uterus?" The other one replied,"We haven't even reached the esophagus yet!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris
Kelly was running in the woods with Pinochio and she tripped and fell on him. What did she say to him? Lie to me Lie to me

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mandy McClain
Your moma's so fat she took a trip to the Grand Canyon She looked bown suddenly she fell and got stuck.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mandy McClain
Your moma's so fat she took a trip to the Grand Canyon She looked bown suddenly she fell and got stuck.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By wet pussy
What does eating pussy and the maffea have in common? One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ignoranimus
Q: what is green, slimy and smells like Miss. Piggy's pussy?
A: Kermit the frogs' finger

Smile This Joke was Submitted By debbie
There is this fly hovering above the lake. There is a fish staring at it and thinking " If th fly would just drop 2 inches. I could jump up and eat it.". But at the shore there is a hungry bear staring at the fish thinking " If that fish would move over 2 inches towards me I could scoop it up and eat it". Staring at the bear is a hunter thinking " If that bear would only move 2 inches to the left, I could shoot it stuff it and mount it on my wall". In the pocket of the hunter there is a piece of cheese hanging out. A mouse is staring at the cheese thinking " If that man moved 2 inches lower I could jump up and get the cheese". Behind the mouse there is a hungry mouse thinking " If that mouse would move two inches I could move in an eat it" Thn it all happens... the fly drops 2 inches. The fish eats the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear, the mouse gets the cheese, but as the cat is going to get the mouse it gets away. What's the moral of the story? When fly drops 2 inches pussy gets fucked!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By christina
Q:what do 2 lesbian vampires say to one another? A: see ya next month!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sambo
Paddy was standing in the bar having a beer with a great big dog beside him. Mick comes in and says "Paddy, does your dog bite". Paddy replies "no". Mick bends down to pat the dog and it damn near bites his arm off. Mick says to Paddy angrily " I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." to which Paddy replied "That's not my dog.".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By maja
What is the difference between a new boy friend and a new dog? After a year the dog is still excited to see you.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cassie
A black guy, a mexican guy, and a polish guy were stranded on the desert and each one had something with him. The black guy had a chicken and the other 2 asked him what he was going to use it for. He said he had it so he wouldn't starve. The mexican guy had a water bottle and they aked him the same thing he said so he had something to drink. The polish guy had a car door and he was asked the same thing and he said he had it in case he got hot he could roll down the window.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mark
An old guy sees a boy walking down the street and asks him, "Where are you going with that duct tape?" The boy says, "I'm gonna get me some ducks with the 'duck' tape!" The old guy laughs, but the boy comes back a while later with two ducks. The old guy sees the kid again and says, "Where are you going with that chicken wire?" "I'm gonna get me some chickens!" Sure enough, the boy soon returns with two chickens. The old guy sees the boy walking with some pussy willows and yells, "Hey, kid! Wait for me to get my coat!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chouch
There was a black guy a white guy and a mexican guy and they were on top of a wishing muontain and the black guy jumped off and said he wanted to be a bird and the white guy jumped off and said he wanted to be a dog and the mexican guy ran tripped and said oh shit and turned into a pile of shit.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dickhead
Your moma is so dum she sat on the T.V and watched the couch.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Assface
Your momma is so poor i stepped on a cigarette and she yelled "who turned off the heat".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bite Me
Your moma is so poor I was throwing rocks at a garbage can and your mama popped out and said who's knocking on my door!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Smurf Xterminator
There's this married couple in Seattle that do it every night. One day the guy has to go away on a business trip to Orlando for a year and a half. He doesn't want anyone boinkin' his wife so he desides to get a kinky sex toy to keep her busy. so goes to a store, looks around, goes to the old guy at ckeckout counter and says, "Show me you best dildos." So the guy takes him in the back and leaves him there. He sees rubber dildos, plastic didlos, battery operated dildos, but he doesn't know what to get. He goes to the guy at counter and tells him about his situation. The old dude says, "Well, there's only one thing you could get. It's a...nevermind." So the busness dude says, "C'mon. Tell me!!" "O.K. It's a Voodoo Dick." "A Voodoo Dick? What the hell are you talking about?" "A Voodoo Dick. (he pulls out a wooden box from behind the counter with a bunch of symbols on it. he opens it and says, "Voodoo Dick,doornob." The dildo floatsin the air, shapes to key hole, and flies to the key hole and startes vibrating and thrusting like this guy's never seen. The door shatters and the doornob breakes open. "Voodoo Dick, your box," the clerk says, and the dildo flies back to its box and the guy puts the lid back on. The other guy says, "I'll take it for a thousand dollars!!" The clerk says, "Well....O.K." So this guy gets home and tells his wif that if she ever gets horney, open the box and say Voodoo Dick, my pussy. So after about thre or four days after he's gone, she starts wantin' it really bad. She rips off the lid to the box and screams, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy!!" It hovered, shaped to her cunt, and flew right in, shakin' all the time. In about ten minutes she has three orgasms. She's geting tired but doesn't know how to stop it, so she hops in her car and heads for the emergency room to help yank it out. On the way she has another orgasm and almost swerves off the road, so a cop pulls her over. She tells himm about the dildo and he says, "Ya, right. Voodo Dick, My ASS!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Craig Forseth
A leperchaun enters a bar and asks the bar tender and says, "Give me a beer." He chugs it down and gets up on the bar running up and down the bar spitting rapidly. This big strong man gets up and says, "Sit down or I'll rip off your peter." The leperchaun gets scared and sits down. 5 minutes later he asks for another beer. He chugs it down and gets up on the bar running up and down the bar spitting rapidly, again. The big storng man gets up and says, "I'M WARNING YA!" Now the leperchaun is really scared. He sits down and 2 minutes later he asks for a bottle of whisky. Its amazing, he chugged it one gulp. He gets up on the bar running up and down the bar spitting rapidly. The big strong man gets up and pulls the leperchauns pants down and he (and the rest of the people in the bar) finds out that he has no peter. A guy in the back gets up and says, "If you don't have a peter, how do you take a leek?" The leperchaun replied by spitting rapidly.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dez
a man walks into a bar and sits down, he orders a beer then looks around and sees a monkey sitting next to him. perplexed by this he motions the bartender over and whispers "whats a monkey doing in a bar?" the bartender says "here i'll show you" then he picks up a 2x4 and slams the monkey up side the head. the monkey promptly gets off the stool and walks around the bar then sucks the bartenders dick. when he is done he walks back around the bar and sits down on his stool. the man says "wow! that is the most amazing thing i have ever seen in my life!" the bartender looks at him, "would you like to try it?" he asks. "sure," the man replies "just dont hit me as hard as you hit the monkey."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joey
Your mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks at a map she can see people waving.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By nooki
This guy met a girl the other day.So she`s like``The only place I`ve seen those big hats is in those Texas movies!``So he`s like ``Cuz dat`s where I got dem.``So she looks down and goes ``The only place I`ve seen those big boots is in dem Texas movies!``So he be like``Dat`s where I got dem.They spend a little time together and go to fuck at her house. Soon as the guy removes his underpants, the poor girl whimpers``So......so.......so..................which part of Texas are YOU from????!!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By butthole
a pregnant woman gets caught in a hold-up and gets shot in the stomach 3 times. she goes to the doctor and he says the babies are fine . 10 years later 2 of the boys come down stairs and tell her they crapped out bullets. o.k. the last boy comes down and says mom, guess what? I was jacking off and i shot the dog!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By scratch
Q:DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE IDIOT WHO LOCKED HIS KEYS IN HIS CAR ? A: IT TOOK HIM THREE HOURS TO GET HIS FAMILY OUT!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rob Awbrey
Why is it that when someone shoots at superman he sticks out his chest and lets the bullet bounce off, but when they throw the gun at him he ducks?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Courtney
Q:What is brunett,black,brunett,black,.
A:A black girl doing cheerleading with out pantes.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Danielle Edwards
There was this little boy who was in a math class and his teacher said, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many are left?" The little boy answered,"There will be none left because when you shoot they will all fly away." The teacher said,"I like the way that you are thinking but when you shoot one there will only be 4 left." The little boy said "O.K., now I have a question for you." "If there are three women eating ice cream cones, one woman is licking the cone, one is sucking the cone, and the other is biting the cone, which one is married?" The teacher said,"Probably the one sucking the cone." The little boy answered "no", the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way your thinking!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cheryl M
This 40 year old married women was feeling bad about her body. She looked at her husband and asked "Hon, if I could get implants to enlarge my breast I would feel so much better about myself we would have sex more often." Her husband was a redneck and he didn't want to spend $10,000 on breast so he tells his wife, "Babe, I got it if you take toilet paper roll in a ball place it in both hands then rub them 4 or 5 times a day they will grow." She replies, "How?" He says "Just cuz it worked on your Ass the last 15 years.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cheryl M
A wife was packing and her husband asked her where was she going? She answers to Vegas I heard you can get $400. a BJ. All of a sudden she sees her husband packing she ask where are you going? Vegas I wanna see you live off $800. a year.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Belch
There were three islands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The islands on the left and right were completely barren with only just enough food and water for some one to survive. The island in the middle however was a tropical paradise with all the fresh fruit, food and water you could possibly want, it was perfect. Now on the island to the right there lived a cat and one day he decided to go over to the middle island, on the island on the left there lived a rooster and he decided that he too would like to live on the middle island. So the cat swam across to the middle island and the rooster flew across to the middle island and they both lived happily ever after. What is the moral to this story? Where there is a wet pussy, there is a happy cock.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Belch
There were three islands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The islands on the left and right were completely barren with only just enough food and water for some one to survive. The island in the middle however was a tropical paradise with all the fresh fruit, food and water you could possibly want, it was perfect. Now on the island to the right there lived a cat and one day he decided to go over to the middle island, on the island on the left there lived a rooster and he decided that he too would like to live on the middle island. So the cat swam across to the middle island and the rooster flew across to the middle island and they both lived happily ever after. What is the moral to this story? Where there is a wet pussy, there is a happy cock.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andrew Tonge
There are 3 men on top of a building, a Mexican, a Chinese guy, and a Redneck. The Mexican opens his lunch box, and says "burritos again. If I have burritos for lunch tommorrow, I'll jump off the top of this building. The Chinese guy opens his lunch box, and says "noddles again. If I have noddles for lunch tommorow, I will jump off the top of this building. The Redneck opens his lunch box again, and says "ham sandwich. If I have a ham sandwich tommorow, I'll jump off this building. The next day, the Mexican opens his lunch box, and he has burritos, so he jumps off the building. The Chinese guy opens his lunchbox, and he has noddles, so he jumps up the building. At the rednceks funerals, the wife of the redneck just stands there. "Why aren't you crying?" asked a Man. "He made his own lunch" replied the wife of the redneck.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ben Bragdon
Q: How many abused women does it take to screw in a Lightbuld?? A: One if the stuiped bitch knows whats good for her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By courtney
A guy named Mr.Horn went to the grocery with his wife and son.He saw his doctor and asked" Doctor my wife and I have problems.Our son has been screwing around with his friend Sammie and we don't know what to do.Why is he doing this?" "He's a girl.What ya expect?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By c- murder
There was a guy siting in a bar with his hand on his ear and the bartender said what are you doing he said talking on the phone he said no your not and the other guy said its built into my hand so the guy said I have to go to the restroom so he goes and he is gone for a long time so the bartender walks back and sees him bent over with toilet paper in his butt and the bartender says what are you doing and he said geting a fax

Smile This Joke was Submitted By trent
it was a goodfriday `s holidays when a gardenboy ask his boss to go home for good and his boss beg him not to go for good he have to come back the gardener says no way i have to go for good. the boss promise to give him more money not to go for good. after the goodfriday the man come back he want to say im going home for goodfriday now he said for good

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ashley
Why can't ladies in San Francisco wear skirts?
Because their balls hang out. ELEVATOR. NO ONE ELSE WILL GET ON.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By r knaggs
WHAT ARE THE LAST TWO WORDS A RED NECK SAYS BEFORE HE DIES? WATCH THIS!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Fred Flinstone
Three girls go to their grandmothers home. After the first night the grandmother called the girls down stairs and asked them each a question. She said,

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Frank
two guys were walking down a road, on the side of the road was a dog licking his balls. the one guy sed to the other guy boy i wish i could do that , the other guy sed, well you should try petting him first.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By james lippy laytham
whats the difference between laythams lip and a rubber ring? not a lot! ha ha ha (revenge james)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ben clayton
what happens when kelly chandler sits on a bus? you get 2 taxi's and a moped.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Christy
A man walked in a bar and said, "bartender, give me 12 shots of Jack Daniels" The bartender did as the man asked...and asked him what the occasion was. As the man was finishing his last shot, he replied,"Had my first blowjob tonight!" The bartender congratulated him and offered him another shot on the house....The man replied...."Sir, I reckon if the last 12 shots hasn't got the taste out of my mouth, neither would the 13th!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By nicki
Q. How do kill a bolnde? A. Throw her mirror out the window.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate

  1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "may I borrow a highlighter?"
  2. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
  3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
  4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
  5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
  6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
  7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.
  8. Say, "Now how did that get in there."
  9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
  10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
  11. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.'"
  12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
  13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now."
  14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
  15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott."
  16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
  17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
  18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
  19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
  20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Judi walked into the doctors office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound! Judi said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, and ed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud....."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
In the middle of the night the phone rings.
Judi:'Hello ?'
Jon:'Hello! Is this phone-number eleven eleven ?'
Judi:'No, this is phone-number one one one one'.
Jon:'Oh, I'm sorry I woke you up.'
Judi:'No problem, the phone rang, so I had to get out of bed anyway.'

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
This girl walks into a hardware store looking for a new hinge. As she brings it to the counter, the clerk asks, "Wanna screw for that hinge?" She replies, "No, but I'll suck you off for that toaster on the top shelf."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?"" "No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonite . . . "

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
It was a swinging party, lots of chicks, booze and dim lights. A guy goes over to a good looking dish, clapsed her in his arms and began kissing her passionately. "Stop, you fool!" she shrieked angrily, fighting herself loose from his arms. "Pardon me," The guy bluffed smoothly, "I thought you were my sister." "You idiot," she shot back, "I am!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A plumber was called to woman's apartment to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses." The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?" "No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10.." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an empty cart when I heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?" "No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing." As I walked toward the store, I heard her murmur, "Typical male."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately draw back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible wisper, "You have hold of my testicles!" "Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
After going to a farm on a field trip Johnny's mother asked him what he saw. "We saw sheep, horses, goats, and f***ers." Mother: "I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a f***er?" Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk" Mother: "but who said they were called, er, f***ers?" Johnny: "That was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers," but we all knew what she meant."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A guy encountered the parish priest, who inquired about the suspicious bulge in his coat pocket. "It's holy water, Father," the man protested piously. The priest removed the bottle, sniffed at it and announced that it contained whisky. "Glory be," cried the drunk. "A miracle!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided to call on him. Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Barry Lyons
A little girl walks into Toys R' Us and get a Barbie and a G.I. JOE. She walks up to the cashier and says "I would like to buy these" the cashier says "Don't you know Barbie comes with Ken?" the girl says "No Barbie cums with G.I. JOE she just fakes it with ken"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
"Son! How many times have I told you not to do that? Stop it! If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!" The son replies: "I'm over here, Dad."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A mother starts telling her daughter the facts of life when the daughter interrupts, "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom, but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sea Harrison
A Man walked into a bar and there was a pot of gold on the counter he asked the barman what it was for, the bar man said there is a donkey out the back if you can make it laugh you get the pot of gold. The man walked inside and come out the donkey was pissing its self with laughter, the barman asks how do you do it the man said my little secret. 1 day later the man back in the bar there was another pot of gold this time you have to make him cry the man went in came out and the donky was crying its head off. The barman asks how do you do it the man say's the first time i said my dick was bigger the second time i proved it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indi an blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A well endowed, scantly dressed young woman came in to the junk yard one day, looking for a part for her car. An employe went to help her. While she was looking over his car parts, he was looking over hers. When her eyes returned to his, she found him staring, open mouthed, at her bare midriff, and a large gold ring piercing her navel. She calmly said, "That's where I hang my air freshener."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Princess Di one liners:

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
An instructor at a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant. "Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you." she said. Then, returning to reality, she added, "But... if the big, dumb galoot is in the restaurant ordering his steak -- don't wait any longer."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A Dr. talking to a man said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" the shop teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the shop class during the first day of school. Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Woman to a priest, "My husband, passed away last night, Father." Priest, "That's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" "Well, yes he did father," Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees. He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it. Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk. An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he had been stung. The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that calf have a mother?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied "Wagon Wheel". The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really". The teacher...in a huff..said.. "Alright young man...march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!!!!" The boy got out of his chair...turned to his sister and said.. "Come on, Chicken Shit....he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff." Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here, shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart with a screaming baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him. "Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under 'Frequency of Intercourse' you wrote 'Three times a week' and your wife 'Three times a night'." "Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only until we have pay off the house."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A nursing home resident, suffering from dementia, decided to shed all of her clothes and "streak." She passed two male residents sitting in their wheel chairs in the hallway. The first male asked the second, "Who was that?" Second: "I THINK it was 'Miss Rita.'" First: "Well, what was that she had on?" Second: "I don't know, but it sure needed ironing."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A man decides to paint the toilet seat. His wife comes home, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. So they go to the doctor and the man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
"My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "here in the East we think breeding is everything." "Oh, I don't know," the lady from the Midwest replied. "Out where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A Man to a priest said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could you say a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." The man said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" The priest sayed, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
She was very upset when she found out that she was pregnant, so she ran home and called her husband at work. When he answered, she said "You old goat-you got me pregnant!" After a long pause, he said "Who's calling?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?" Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?" The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered...running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he the shits?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By n
nn

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG GUNS
BRUNETE AND REDHEAD IN A ELEVATOR, GOOD LOOKING MAN STEPS IN RIDES 1 FLOOR AND GETS OUT. BRUNETE SAYS "THAT GUY HAD A GREAT BODY, TIGHT BUT AND CUTE FACE. ONLY PROBLEM IS HE HAS DANDRUFF. SOMEBODY OUGHT TO GIVE HIM HEAD A SHOULDERS." THE REDHEAD SAYS" HOW DO YOU GIVE SHOULDERS".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
Top ten reasons food is better than sex. 10. Buying food isn't against the law. 9. Having lunch with a co-worker won't cause a scandal. 8. If the food was lousy you don't have to lie to the chef. 7. You can have different dishes every day. 6. The food won't complain if you're not hungry. 5. You can eat every day of the month. 4. Eating alone is just as fulfilling as eating with a friend. 3. Normal folks can live without sex for long periods. 2. The only protection you need is a napkin. 1. You don't get blisters from cooking your own food too often.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sean Harrison
A. What doe's a mum and a hockey goalie have in common? Q.They change their pads every 3rd period.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By AMANDA HUGGINKISS
THERE WAS THIRTEEN YEAR OLD BOY IN THE DOCK ON A FATERNITY CHARGE AND THE COUNCILSAID " IT IS MY JOB TO PROVE THAT THIS ALLEDGED CHARGE IS FALSE SO HE TOLD THE BOY TO STAND UP AND UNZIP HIS FLY.TAKING THE ALLEDGED WEAPON IN HIS HAND HE STARTED WAVING THE FLACID DICK AROUND AND SAID ' LADIES AND GENTLEMAN OF THE JURY, DO YOU REALLY THINK HE COULD OF FATHERED A BABY WITH THIS." THE DEFENDANT TAPPED HIM ON THE SHOULDER AND SAID " IF YOU DON'T STOP WAVING IT AROUND WE'RE GONNA LOSE THE CASE.!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Wessells
A fellow walks into Kelly's Bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The fellow sits at the bar and the monkey hops onto the bar where he spies a bowl of olives. The monkey promptly picks one up and swallows it whole. The monkey next spies a quarter on the bar and promptly swallows it also. He then jumps onto the pooltable and picks up the cue ball and forces it into his mouth and swallows it. The bartender asks the customer " Did you see what your monkey just did? He just swallowed a cue ball!" The patron apologized for his monkey's behavior and assures the bartender he will pay for the cue ball and leaves soon thereafter. A week later the same fellow comes in with the monkey on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and the monkey hops off his shoulder onto the bar. The monkey spies a bowl of cherries on the bar and promptly grabs a cherry and sticks it up his asshole. He then pulls the cherry out again and swallows it. The bartender says to the patron " Gross! Did you see what your monkey just did? He stuck that cherry up his butt and then swallowed it!" The patron replies " Well, after that cue ball incident last week, my monkey now measures everything first! "

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kelly hansen
What did the dick say to the condom?
Cover me, I'm going in!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By *poof*
Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two, but who knows how they got in there.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Twyla Shipler
A man and a lady meet on an elevator same time every day.The lady asked the man what floor do you go to? He replied, the 5 floor. He asked her what floor she went to? She replied, the 17 floor. He asked , what do you do there? She replied, I donate blood for $20. She asked what do you do on the 5 floor? He replied, I donate sperm for $100. The next day as the man was getting on the elevator the lady was pounding on the 5th floor button. He replied, you can't go there. She replied umhumn!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.
Demand beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Carrie DeRuyter
What is long, hairy, has foam on one end and a hole on the other? A toothbrush, what the heck were you guys thinking about?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bill Clinton
My willy is bent!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Megan Stackhouse
Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but she was on the rag and didn't have a tampon, so she wished upon a star and her fairy god-mother appeared. "Cinderella, what's the matter?" Said the fairy god-mother. So Cinderella told her fairy god-mother the story. "Alright," said fairy god-mother, "I'll give you a magic tampon. But you have to be home by 4:00am, or it'll turn into a pumpkin." So Cinderella went to the dance and had a great time. Meanwhile, back at the cottage, Fairy god-mother was panicking because it was now 3:30am and Cinderella was not yet home. Finally, at 8:15am, Cinderella came prancing through the door, humming merrily. "Where were you?!" Asked fairy godmother. "You were supposed to be home 4 hours ago!! Didn't the tampon turn into a pumpkin??" Cinderella stoped humming and said," I don't know. I went home with Peter-Peter-Pumpkin- eater!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dick
Cover your stump before you hump.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By cody
A guy walks into a whore house and goes up to the front desk and says" Get me the biggest, blackest woman you can find." The desk clerk says" go upstairs and I will find you one." The man walks upstairs and waits. In about 5 mins a fat black woman walks in. The man says for her to take her clothes off and bend over. She does this willingly. When she is bent over the guy looks to the left, then to the right. After he is done looking he walks away. The girl runs over and askes if that is all. The man says" YEAH, I JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT MY HOUSE WOULD LOOK LIKE IF I PAINTED IT BLACK WITH PINK SHUTTERS."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BRIAN BREWER
Why did the snowman pull down his pants?
Because the snowblower was coming.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason Kushner
Your mama's house is so dirty the cockroaches have to get around in dune buggys.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By paul robins
Two older women in Florida were talking and one says to the other, "you ever get to feeling hony?". Too which the other replied, "yes". "Well what do you do about it?", said the first. "I suck on a lifesaver", said the second. "Well, what beach do you go to?"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MARK
Q. WHAT DID THE BANANA SAY TO THE VIBRATOR?
A. WHY ARE YOU SHAKING, SHE'S GOING TO EAT ME!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Pam
Pamela Anderson and Lady Di are standing at the pearly gates af heaven. St. Peter says he can only let one of them in, so they must both show him something and he will pick which one deserves to go to Heaven. Pamela Anderson thinks for a minute and then flashes him. St. Peter turns to Di and asks her what she has to show him. She pulls out a douche. St. Peter automatically lets Di in. A man waithing in line behind Pamela ask St. Peter why he chose Lady DI. He replied, "Well, a royal flush beats a big pair anytime."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Stan-Man
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By johnny cash
Two sperm were wandering around when one said "When will we reach the vagina" The other sperm replied " It'll be a while yet, we've only just passed the tonsils.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By merrill
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE TWO MEN TALKING TO EACH OTHER AND ONE ASKS IF HE HAD BEN GETTING ANY ON THE SIDE? THE OTHER RESPONDED AND SAID, IT HAD BEEN SO LONG THAT HE DIDNT KNOW THEY HAD MOVED IT

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TARA
A farmer and his wife are in bed one night when he leans over and starts fiddling with her breasts as he says " aa if only these could produce milk, we could get rid of the cow" he then lets go. His wife, now a bit annoyed, leans over and starts fiddling with his dick saying," aa, if only this would work, we could then get rid of the gardenboy!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By LK
Q: WHY CAN'T MISS PIGGY COUNT TO 70?
A: SHE GETS A FROG IN HER THROAT AT 69

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Viv
A young, sexy, beautiful lady officer was walking around in a male army training camp. Suddenly she saw a grove of trees with a lake in the middle. She stripped and had a nice swim in the lake. She got out and sunbathed for a while in the nude. Suddenly she saw a male officer come towards her. She got her clothes on just in time. The officer pays no attention. He says "Cammouflage battalion..FORWARD MARCH!" All the trees around the lake march off!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andy Hahn
Your mama's so fat when she steped on the scale it said 90210

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Andy Hahn
Your mama's so fat she has other fat people orbiting around her

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave Harris From Mount Clear S.C.
Q. What have a womans pussy and brussle sprouts have in common? A. You have to push them both aside to get to the good stuff.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DANTON NEL
WHY is a giraffes neck so long?
Its feet stink.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By L G
Two friends went out partying one night and were very drunk . The next morning one of the guys replied to the other: My friend that last bar we went to last night was beautiful wasn't it? the other guy said No way man it was the ugliest bar I have ever been to. His friend replied : I don't think you went to the bathroom did you? No what diference would that make? The guy said: They had a golden toilet!! The other guy said : I would have to see it to believe it! So they went to the bar again discussing whether they did have a golden toilet. As they walked in one of the guys tells the other one you'll see!! and shouts at the bartender: HEY BARTENDER ISN'T IT TRUE THAT THIS BAR HAS A GOLDEN TOILET???? The bartender screamed at one of the musicians: GEOOORGE!!! HERE IS THE GUY THAT TOOK A SHIT ON YOUR SAXOPHONE!!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By HUGE ASS
Q what do you call a line of rabbits hopping backwards.
A a receding hare line.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BIG JOHNSON
What is the difference between a pussy and mashed potatos?
Mashed potatos don't make their own gravy.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Gerard Higgins
A guy walks around with shiny shoes so he can look up girls dresses and one day he bets a sexy lady that he can guess what colour underware she is wearing and she says I'm not wearing any undies and he said thank you I thought I had a hole in my shoe.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nookiemonster
Dodi Fayed arrives in heaven, sees the limo driver and gets "pissed" and says...
I said I wanted to fuck Di in the limo, NOT FUCKIN' die in the limo!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bonsai Bill
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A lickalotopus.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tyrell Stark
THERE WAS A TRUCKER AND HE WAS HAULING A LOAD OF PIGOENS, THIS TRUCKER ASLO HAD A PET PARROT...THE TRUCKER WAS DRIVING ALONG AND SAW A BEAUTIFUL GIRL ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD...HE PULLED OVER AND ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED A RIDE, SHE SAID YES AND GOT INTO THE TRUCK...AFTER THE GIRL WAS IN THE TRUCK FOR ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR THE PARROT SAID TO THE GIRL NO FUCK NO RIDE, NO FUCK NO RIDE...AND THE GIRL GOT SCARED AND JUMPED OUT OF THE TRUCK...THE TRUCKER JUST KEPT ON DRIVING UNTIL HE MET ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL GIRL ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD...HE ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED A RIDE AND SHE SAID YES...AFTER THEY HAD BEEN GOING FOR AWHILE AND THE TRUCKER WAS GETTING TO KNOW THIS GIRL PRETTY GOOD THE PARROT SCREAMED NO FUCK NO RIDE, NO FUCK NO RIDE...AND THE GIRL JUMPED OUT OF THE TRUCK...THE TRUCKER SAID TO THE PARROT DON'T SAY THAT AGAIN OR YOUR GOING IN BACK WITH THE PIGOENS...AGAIN THE TRUCKER SAW A BEAUTIFUL GIRL ON THE ROAD, SHE GOT IN AND FOR QUITE AWHILE THE PARROT DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING...BUT HE COULDN'T HELP HIMSELF AND SCREAMED NO FUCK NO RIDE, NO FUCK NO RIDE...THE GIRL JUMPED OUT AND THE TRUCKER PUT THE PARROT IN THE BACK WITH THE PIGEONS...THE TRUCKER HAD BEEN DRIVING FOR ABOUT AN HOUR...WHEN A POLICE OFFICER PULLED HIM OVER...THE TRUCKER ASKED WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS AND THE OFFICER REPLIED...DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A PARROT THROWING PIGEONS OUT THE BACK SCREAMING NO FUCK NO RIDE, NO FUCK NO RIDE...

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mark
Q:Why do Scots wear kilts?
A:Because the sheep have got used to the sound of the zip.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bob
One day a new monk was being ordained at the local monastary. The Abbot told him, that if he wanted to remain at the monastary, he must swear a vow of silence for 20 years and at the end of the 20 year period he would be allowed to say two words. The monk complied with his request and for the next 20 years he didn't utter a word. The 20 year period was finally up so the monk went to pay a visit to the Abbot. "I'm so proud of you my son, you haven't spoken a word for 20 years." Go ahead and say your two words. "LOUSY FOOD" and he walked away and continued his daily chores. Another 20 years passed and he never spoke a word. He pays his next visit to the Abbot. "Fantastic my boy," It's been 40 years and you still haven't broken your vow of silence, say your two words. "NO HEAT" and off he goes to return to his duties. Twenty more years go by and he pays his visit to the Abbot. "My boy, my boy, it's been sixty years since you've been here and you have never broken you vow of silence, I am so proud of you, say your two words. "I QUIT" and the monk, walks towards the door. "Wait, says the Abbot," You might as well quit, you've done nothing but bitch ever since you got here anyway.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike
an american died and came to hell. since he grew up in mexico, the devil let him decide, wheter he wished to stay in US- oder Mexican Hell. Since he couldn't decide, devil let him take a look at both places: he went to the us part, seeing a lot of men sitting in shit. he asked one how it was. the guy said "we eat shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner and befor we sleep, we get a hit with a hammer on our balls". uuuh, this sure wasn't the mens dream of hell so he visited Mexican hell. everybody was sitting in shit, he asked to first one how it was here. The guy repeted exactly the same as in the US-hell. so he went back to the devil and said: "since I almost grew up in the States, I am a patriot, I wish to stay in the US-hell". "Very well", said the devil, "that's the better choice anyway. these mexicans don't know how to work: every second week, they celebrate and eat normal food and almost all night, they forget about the hit with the hammer..."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jake matox
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He orders two beers, one in a glass and one in a bottle. Then he pulls a mouse out of his pocket and sits it down. The mouse drinks on beer and the man drinks the other. The whole time the mouse is sitting there, there is a cat at the other end of the bar eying that mouse and that mouse is eying that cat. After they have had a few drinks the man asks for two more and the bartender says I think you have had enough. The man says why don't we step outside and see who has had enough. Then the mouse reaches up and grabs the bartender by the shirt and says "ya bring that dam cat with you too".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By tammy
LITTLE RED RIDDING HOOD WAS ON HER WAY TO GRANDMA'S HOUSE AND A RACOON STOPPED HER.HE SAID WHERE ARE YOU GOING? REDRIDING HOOD SAID TO GRANDMA'S HOUSE,THE RACOON SAID OH YOU BETTER NOT THE BIG BAD WOLFE IS THERE AND HE'S GOING TO PULL YOU'R LITTLE RED SKIRT UP ANDPULL YOU'R ,LITTLE RED PANTIES DOWN AND SCREW YOU'R LITTLE RED SOCKS OFF..REDRIDDING HOOD SAID OH NO I HAVE A GUN...SHE CONTINUES ON AND ANOTHER RACOON COMES ALONG AND HE TELL REDRIDDING HOOD THE SAME THING AND SHE SAYS OH NO I HAVE A GUN.SHE FINALLY GETS TO GRANDMA'S HOUSE AND THE BIGBAD WOLFE SAYS LITTLE REDRIDDING HOOD I AM GOING TO PULL YOU'R LITTLE RED SKIRT UP AND YOU'R LITLE RED PANTIES DOWN AND SCREW YOU'R LITTLE RED SOCKS OFF...SHE PULLS OUT HER GUN AND SAID OH NO YOU'R NOT ..YOU'RE GOING TO EAT ME LIKE THE BOOK SAID...

Smile This Joke was Submitted By luke
A man walks in to a bar OUCH!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jaco Boshoff
Have you heard of the new wonder baby that was born a few weeks ago? He had a penis and a brain

Smile This Joke was Submitted By PEE-WEE martion
gfgrdgedgesrtwdeghtghfschatsfvryhe

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jason costandy
you suck

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tim
3 nuns go to heaven. They each have to answer a question before entering. The 1st nungets the question "Who was the first man on Earth?" sai replied "Adam". The gates open music played and she walked in.The 2nd nun got the question "who waas the first woman on Earth?". She replied "EVE" The music played, the gates opened and she went in. The 3rd nun got the question"What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?". She replied.. hum.. thats a hard one!" the gates opened and the music played and she walked in.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anita Dick
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. The man can't see any other buildings in the area, but he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man." "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By code name viper
none

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" the shop teacher asked Judi, the only girl in the shop class during the first day of school. Judi pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Murray
How many Blondes does it take to change a light bulb??
One, she just holds the bulb still and lets the world spin around her.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By uyjhn
Q: A fashion model was asked what does she think about the increasing fuel prices
A: she answered: "For me it doesn't matter, I only put in $20 of fuel anyway"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Justin
What's the difference between a Michigan Wolverine, and Kelloges Corn Flakes?
Corn Flakes know what to do when their in a bowl

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike
A Michigan student and a State student are in the bathroom and the Michigan student leaves without washing his hands. Later the two students meet up again and the State student says "At State we were taught to wash our hands after going to the bathroom." The Michigan student says" At Michigan we were taught not to pee on our hands."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Russell
There was three guys on top of the CN Tower. One was from Toronto, one from Nova Scotia, and one was from Newfoundland. They decided to see who had the longest dick. The Man from Toronto dropped his pants, It was 10 stories long. The Man from Nova Scotia went, 40 stories long. the Newfoundlander says not too bad, then he drops his pants and starts moving around and jumping up and down. The two guys asked him what he was doing and he said "I am dodging cars."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kim Orani
Q:What did God say after he created man?
A:"I can do batter than this."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Yard Marshall
I just asked my boss if altzhiemers runs in his family. He could not remember.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Yard Marshal
Do you know what I like best on a woman? Me.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Shannon White
This chiken and this horse was taking a walk together one day. Along the way the horse fell into the mud and cried for the chicken's help. The chicken told the horse to wait and he would go home and get his BMW. The chicken came back and pulled the horse out with his BMW. The next day the horse and the chicken went for another walk, this time the chicken fell in the mud and was stuck. The chicken asked the horse to go get his BMW, but the horse backed over the mud and told the chicken to grab his penis and he would pull him out. The moral of the story is "If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to get a chick.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Cynthia Annette
A guy just got fired from his job and was really pissed off, so all he thought of was going to the bar and getting a drink. He walked by a bar, but it was a gay bar and couldn't decide if it was worth going into since he was straight, so he thought about it and went into the bar. He explained to the bartender that he wasen't gay but he had a really bad day and really needed a drink. The bartenter said "No problem, but you have to tell me the name of your dick first" he said "hey I told you i'm not into that I just need a drink. The bartender said ok I'll tell you mine, it NIKE- just do it! And he goes, ok, now what yours? After hestating he said forget it I really need a drink. It's secret, stonge enough for a man but made for a women. :)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ann (Sugar)
A preist and a man went out hunting one day. The man shot at a duck and missed. He said "Ah DAMN, missed him!" The priest said not to say it again or he would tell God! The man shot at another duck and missed. He said, "Ah DAMN, missed him!" The priest said if you say that again I'm going to tell God to punish you! The man shot at yet another duck and missed. He replied again, " Ah DAMN, missed him!" So the priest prayed to God and told him about the man. God sent down a volt of lightning and it hit the priest killing him. God replied," Ah DAMN, missed him!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kimmmy
There was this guy and a girl and every year they go camping. One year the girl did not want to go, she told the guy and he said, " but you HAVE to go" she said, " But I don't want to!!" He said.."OK I will give you 3 choices, either you can go with me or you can give me a blowjob OR I can buttfuck you." She sat there for a minute and he said, "Ok I have to go feed the dogs and you can tell me your answer when you get back. Well He came back and she said, " OK I will give you a blowjob" She did it and when she was done she said, "EWWW...that tasted like SHIT.." The guy said, " I Know..one of the DOGS DIDN"T WANT TO GO EITHER!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Alyssa King
This guy walks into a tatoo parlor. He says to the tatoo guy "I want a 100 $ bill tatooed on my dick." The guy says okay but I need 3 reasons why first. Well the guy says
1. I like to watch my money grow.
2. I like to play with my money.
3. You should see my wife blow a $100 bill!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Krystal
So there's this guy who walks into a hardware store and he asks a sales clerk, "Do you have a fucket" and the clerk says "what" and he says " a fucket" and the clerk says "you mean a bucket" and the guy says yeah so he guy gets the bucket and leaves. Then he goes to the pet store and he asks a clerk do you have a cock and spank-it and the clerk says what and he says a cock and spank-it and the clerk says oh you mean a cocker spaniel and the guy says yeah that's it. So you he gets the dog and leaves then he goes back to the hardware store and asks for a pack of bum and the clerk says what and he says a pack of bum and the clerk says oh you mean a pack of gum and he says yeah so he gets the gum and leaves so he is out walking down the street and the dog gets loose ans run away so the guy asks a man beside him to hold his bum and fucket while he gets his cock and spank-it. :-)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JON DOE
WHAT WAS O.J SIMPSON'S WORST NIGHTMARE?
A: BEING CONVICTED AND HAVING MICHEAL JACKSON LOOK AFTER HIS KIDS

Smile This Joke was Submitted By RED
WHAT DOES A BLONDE AND A RACE CAR HAVE IN COMMON?
THEY BURN 15 RUBBERS A DAY

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris
OK there is a lady and she want's to paint her house. So she says to the to the man I'm thinking cream color for this room so the man rights in he's note book goes to the window an says GREEN SIDE UP!!!!! they go to the next room and the lady says i am thinking of a red so the writes in he's note book goes to the window and says GREEN SIDE UP!!!!! goes to the next room and nthe lady sayswhy do you keep saying green side up and he says I have some bondies laying grass.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By eric
Q: How do youu make a kleenex dance??
A: You put a little boogy in it.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Eu
Qual foi a ultima coisa que passou pela cabeça da Diana Spencer?
O Radiador do carro.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By twobit
This Alabama gas station Mechanic comes back to work after his honeymoon. One of his co-workers asks, "Well, how did it go? " The mechanic says "Well I just did a lot of fishin, ya know how I like fishin an all." The co-worker replies "Well, didn't ya f--- her?" The mechanic replies, "Naw she had ghonnereah, so I just did a lot of fishin, you KNOW how I like to fish and all." And the co-worker replies "Well why didn't ya just roll her over?" the mechanic replies "Naw, she had diahrea, so I just did a lot of fishin, you KNOW how I like to fish an' all." The co-worker asks, well shi-, why didn't you at least get a blow job? Mechanic replies, "Naw, she had pyareah, I just did a lot of fishin ya KNOW how i like to fish an all." co-worker says, "WELL SH-- , GHONEREA, DIAREAH, PYAREAH,,,,,, WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU MARRY THIS WOMAN FOR?"
Mechanic says............"WELL,,,,,,,,,, She had WORMS AND YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE TO FISH !!!!!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By rob
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the woods?
Wipe him off and tell him your'e sorry

Smile This Joke was Submitted By rob
Why couldn't the baby duck lay an egg?
It didn't have a big enough quack

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Talon
What is dumber then 2 blonds building a house under water, or 2 brunettes trying to burn it down?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ken
This guy dies and goes to Hell. When he gets there he is met by Satan. Satan asks the man, "Do you know how this works?" and the man says no, I didnt expect to be here. Satan tells the man, "Okay, I'll show you 3 rooms- you have to choose one of these rooms to spend the rest of eternity." They walk down the hall and Satan opens the door to a room- inside people are burning and there is fire everywhere. The man says, "I dont like this one, lets move on." The walk some more and open door number 2. Inside, men and women are chained by the feet and busting rocks with sledge hammers. The man says "I dont like this one either, lets look at the last one." When they open the last door, they see hundreds of men and women standing waist high in cow manure, drinking coffee and talking. The man tells Satan, "This one looks good, I think I'll stay here." Satan says, "Are you sure? This is where you have to spend the rest of eternity." The condemned man answers although the smell is bad, he can get used to it, so he enters the room, wades through the manure and gets a cup of coffee. After about 10 minutes of good conversation, a bell sounds and a voice comes over a loudspeaker "OKAY FOLKS, BREAK'S OVER - GET BACK ON YOUR HEADS!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bryan
Two blondes standing on a beach looking out at the ocean. The first one says, "Look at all that water." The second blonde says, "Yeah. and that's just the top."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chris Mc.
What animal has one arm and four legs?
A happy rotweiller!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim Carter
Did you hear that the postal service was going to make a Bill Clinton stamp?
But they cancelled it because no one would know which side to spit on.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Rachel, Michelle, and Dawn
A faggot is walking on the beach and he see's a guy rubbing vasoline on his chest and askes him why he is rubbing vasonline on his chest. The guy says cause the vasoline makes hair grow. So later on he's in the hotel with his boyfriend. He starts to rub vasoline on his chest. The boyfriend asks why. Because it makes hair grow. The boyfriend says are you a moron if vasoline made hair grow you would have a ponytail hanging out you ass.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dotcom
There was a flea on the beach in Florida. While enjoying the warm sun, he looks over and spots his friend Oscar nearby. Oscar looks terrible! The flea says, "Oscar what is wrong with you?" Well, I caught a ride down here on a biker's mustache, and I guess I caught cold. The flea says, "Next time you plan a trip, go into the airport restroom, sit on the toilet seat, and wait for a stewardess to come along. When she sits down, jump onto her puss and you'll have a nice warm place to travel!" Ok, I will, says Oscar. Two weeks later, the flea is back in Florida enjoying the warm weather when he looks over and sees his friend Oscar looking ten times worse than before. He says, "Oscar, I thought I told you how to travel. Didn't you take my advice?" Oscar says, "Well, I did exactly as you said. I sat on the toilet and waited for the stewardess to come along so that I could jump onto her puss, but you know, it didn't help, because the next thing you know, I was right back on that biker's mustache!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By cliff waller
Q:What do you call 3 blondes on santas lap?
A: ho! ho! ho! <

Smile This Joke was Submitted By denise
There was this blonde at a coke machine in Vegas. She would put in some coins push a button and a coke came out. She put some more coins in, pushed a button and another coke came out. She put some more coins in, push another button and a coke came out again. This man asked her, "Excuse me, do you mind if I use this machine?". The blonde replied, " Fuck Off, can't you see I'm winning!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kelly Williams
Q. Why are blond jokes so short?
A. So men could understand them.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Marilyn Novak
Why did the blonde sell her car? She needed gas money.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Terry Cox
Q: What do blonde ice skaters do in the summer? A: Drown!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By King Dingaling
What did the brain surgeon say when he opened a blonde's head?
Space, the final frontier.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kat
This lady is at a hotel with her kids and they're playing in the pool and acting like whales so the mother decides to take a picture of them and as she is looking in the camera and a very big sized woman is about to enter the pool behind the mother and as she's doing that the mother says to the kid's, "now no whales in the pool." and the big woman turns around and runs away crying and the mother didn't even realize it, 'till the kids told her later. (P.S. true story)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mark Schneider
What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
De-calf-inated.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Michelle Stone
There are 1 blonde and 1 brunette and 1 red head are walking on the beach and they find a Aladin's lamp and they rub it and poof there is a Gennie stading in front of them and the gennie says since there is three of you I will grant each one wish the blond goes first and says she wants to be 50 per cent smarter afn poof she becomes a red head. Then the red head goes next and says she want to be 100 per cent smarter and poof she becomes a brunette and then the brunette says "Since I am already the smartest I would like to make some serious cash" and poof she becomes a blond call girl.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt Rayner
Q: What is in common between a blond and Kentucky fried Chicken?
A: Once your done with the leg and the breast all that's left is a greasy box.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By curtis mulhern
Why do blondes have small houses?
Because the only thing they know how to do is go in and out.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JIM
FOUR LADIES WANTED TO BE NUNS. THE FATHER SAYS " BEFORE YOU CAN TAKE YOUR VOWS, I NEED TO KNOW IF ANY OF YOU FOUR WOMEN HAVE EVER TOUCHED A PENIS." THE FIRST LADY BEGINS TO CRY AND SAYS "I HAD MY FINGER ON ONE." THATS OK", SAID THE PREIST , JUST PUT YOUR FINGER IN THE HOLY WATER, AS HE'S BLESSING HER. THE SECOND WOMAN SAID ," I HAD MY HAND ON ONE" THATS OK , PUT YOUR HAND IN THE HOLY WATER, AS HE BLESSES HER. THE THIRD AND FOURTH LADIES ARE SISTERS. THE THIRD LADY WALKS UP TO THE PREIST AND THE SISTER TACKLES HER AND THROWS HER OUT OF THE WAY. THE PREIST SAYS " THAT WASNT VERY NICE , WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO YOUR SISTER". SHE SAYS," IF YOU THINK IM GONNA GARGLE THAT AFTER SHE PUTS HER ASS IN IT, ....YOU'RE CRAZY!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike Rotch
Is Long and Hairy and hard to carry

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Colman O'Reilly
What one word will get you in bed with a blonde?

Hi.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Adele
a blonde, a brunette, and a black haired girl all go into a bar. The black haired girl says to the bartender "give me a CL" The bartender says "What is a CL" She says "well duh! A coors light." The brunette walks up to the bartender and says "give me an ML" The bartender says "lady, what is an ML" She says "well duh. A Miller Lite." Then the blonde walks up and says "give me a 16." The bartender says "Lady, first the letters, now the numbers. What is a 16?"
She says "Well duh, its a 7 and 7."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kurtis Schulenberg
After being gone from work several days the man finally returned. His friend asked him why he had been gone so long. The man replied,"I dream't that I had an affair with Tonya Harding, Lorena Bobbit,and Hillary Clinton." "So?" "The next morning I woke up with a broken kneecap, a severed penis,and no health insurance."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By tracy
why is a blond like a computer?
You dont really apprecieate them until they go down on you.

How does a blond like her eggs in the morning?
Unfirtilized.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jim(N.Y)
Q: whats the difference between a male blonde and a female blonde.
A: The female blonde has a higher sperm count.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jo Jo the Indian Circus Boy
What did the Blonde say when she got pulled over by the policeman?
Can I barrow your flashlight.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Chuckles690
How can you get a blonde to repeat something you say?
Whisper in her ear and listen for the echo.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By A Blonde
Q: Why do people write blonde jokes?
a: Because they're jealous.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By RonH
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Mazda? A: Princess Di wouldn't be caught dead in a Mazda.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By RonH
One guy walks up to the other and asks: "Did you hear about the death of Princess Di?
"Of course," the other man replied,"She was all over the radio - and the windshield, and the dashboard."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By John La Beau
This kid and his mom were walking through the park and the saw two squirrels fucking away. The kid asked his mom what they were doing. The mom replied. "Making fish sticks." The next day they saw two birds fucking and asked what they were doing. The mom replied "Making fish sticks". Later that night the kid walked in on the mom and dad asked the mom "Mom are you making fish sticks because there is tarter sauce all over your mouth."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike jr.
Princess Di jokes:
What did the limo driver have to drink before they left the bar?
A wallbanger and six chasers.

Did you hear that Dodi had a bad case of dandruff?
yeah, they found his head and shoulders in the car.

why was Elton John allowed to perform at Di's funeral?
He was the only Queen who gave a damn.

What did Dodi say to his limo driver the night before the accident? You want to go to paris with me and Di.

What was Di wearing the night of the crash?
crushed red velvet.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike jr.
How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to screw it in the rest to say "aaaa!...I could do that better."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike jr.
A teenage boy walks past his sisters bedroom. As he's passing he notices she's undressing for bed. She gets done and turns around to see her brother standing there with a big smile, and staring at her as she's totally naked. The brother say's "Damn if you weren't my sister..." and the sister say's "Hey' don't let that stop you." So the next thing you know they're going at it all hot and heavy when the sister stops and say,"Hey you know your almost as big as Dad!" and he say's"Yeah, that's what Mom said."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mike jr.
Have you heard about the new 'Divorce Barbie'?
It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By My Lovely
This blonde and brunette are sitting in a bar. The bartender comes in with a box of flowers and sets it in front of the brunette. She opens the box, reads the card and says, "Oh shit, now I'm going to have to lay on my back with my legs open for a week."
The blonde asks, "Why don't you have a vase?"


This old man and old woman are sitting on the porch enjoying the evening. The old man reaches over to the old woman and grabs her breast and says, "You know honey if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."
'Unhuh", replies the old woman
The old man reaches over and grabs her crotch and says, "You know honey if this thing could lay eggs we could get rid of the chickens."
"Unhuh", replies the old woman
The old woman reaches over and grabs the man's pecker and says, "You know honey if this thing could get hard, we could get rid of your brother!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sean
a brunette was standing on the double lines in the middle of a highway, cheeering-"86!86!86!86!" A blonde walked up and asked,"what are you doing?" "I'm doing 86!" the brunette replied. so the blonde asked "Can i do it?" "Sure" the brunette replied, just go out onto the middle lines of the highway and yell "86!86!86!" So the blonde did this and a big mac truck ran over her. So, the brunette went back out onto the middle line of the highway and started yelling, "87!87!87!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A man sitting in the bar found that the front of his trousers was all wet. Turning to the man on his right he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?" "Nope," came the reply. Then, turning to the man on his left, he asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?" The man also replied, "Nope." "Then it must be an inside job,"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
The pissed off cowboy walked into the bar and slammed his fist on the bar. "Ok", he shouted, "Who's the son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls red"? At the other end, a huge biker stood up, ripped the end of the bar out of the floor and slammed it back down. "I did asshole", he said. "What have you got to say about that"? "Oh", said the cowboy. " I just thought I'd let you know... he's ready for his second coat."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly

Top Ten Reasons That Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex:

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.
6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.
4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar fly
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda......no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A woman I work with is dating a doctor. She is also a grandmother. One morning she was over at the doc's house when her daughter-in-law called, sort of frantic. It seems that her grandson had swallowed a penny. The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be seen. When she asked the doc, he calmy replied, "I don't think it's necessary, just watch him closely for any change."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sting
The guy I dated tonight turned out to be a sadist," reported the girl. "You mean literally--whips and that sort of thing?" asked her roommate. "Worst than that! The creep screwed me with a four-inch penis and then French-kissed me goodby with an eight-inch tongue!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Sting
The train is leaving the station. A man yells through an open window to another man, still standing on the platform: "Thank you for a wonderful weekend. And tell your wife she's better in bed than anyone else". Another passenger then says:' Excuse me, how can you tell someone that his wife is better in bed than any other woman?" "Well, it isn't true, but Jones is a nice man, I just wanted to be polite."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bar Fly
A guy walks into the drug store and asks for a package of condoms. The pharmacist says, "That'll be $5.00 with the tax." "Tacks?", the guy exclaims, "I thought you rolled them on!"


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