Kelly's Bar Jokes More Jokes Here

Kelly's Bar Jokes
14
Submitted by
Web Surfers


Smile This Joke was Submitted By honey child
A guy had a carrot in his ear and a potato in his nose...
He went to the doctor and the doctor said "You haven't been eating right"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By SHAUN
WHAT DO A PIMP AND A COWBOY HAVE IN COMMON?
THEY BOTH LIKE TO THROW A HOE-DOWN

Smile This Joke was Submitted By peggy
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs?
ANSWER:SPARKY

Smile This Joke was Submitted By bill gates
A boy was riding his bike down the street as he passed by a preacher he poped a wheelie and his front tire came off and he crashed. "Goddamnit" he said. Just then the preacher said "Don't swear my son next time say god bless me." The next day same story, boy pops wheelie his front tire comes off by the preacher, he crashes, "Goddammit." "No." says the preacher "Say god bless me." Next day boy rides by the preacher pops a wheelie the wheel flys off boy says god bless me, and the wheel jumps back on the bike and the boy keeps on going. "GODDAM" says the preacher

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kingston Ruffner
What has 104 teeth and holds back a monster.
My Zipper!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Valerie
Just call me milk baby! Cuz I'll do your body good!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By me
Q.why did hilary get laid in the morning?
A.she wanted to be the first lady.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ranell
Why was Clinton scared when he read the bible?
It said, "If it causes you to sin, cut it off"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By James
Q: Why was there lipstick on the stearing wheel?
A: She tried to blow the horn.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By me
your momas so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lana Sharpe
Q: what do a clitoris, anniversary and a toilet have in common
A: men always miss them

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Char
What do you call an enthusiastic Japanese boxer, whose father has diarrhea. A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By adam
Your momas missing so many teeth it looks like her tongues in jail

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lindy Morgan
One day, a boy was listening to his parents fight. "Bastard!" , his mom said. "Mom, what does that mean?" he asked. "It's another name for a coat." she replied. "Bitch!", his dad said. "Dad, what does that mean?" he asked. "It's another word for a hat." his dad said Then he followed his dad into the bathroom where he was shaving. He cut himself and said "Shit!" "Dad, what does that mean?" he asked. "It's another name for shaving cream." his dad said. Then the boy went downstairs where his mom was cutting a turkey and she cut herself. "Fuck!" she shouted. "Mom, what does that mean?" the boy asked. "It's another word for 'to cut'." she said. Just then a doorsales man came to their door. The boy answered and said, "Hi. You can hang your bitch and bastard over there. My dad is in the bathroom lathering shit all over his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By MAC DADDY
A man walks into a bar,"OUCH"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Susan
Q. Why was Cinderella thrown out of Fairyland?
A. Because she was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face saying, "Lie you bastard, lie!"!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Clarissa
You people are weird!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lisa
What do call a lesbian with thick fingers?
Well hung.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sarah
Q:wanna hear a dirty joke?
A horse fell in mud
Q:wanna hear a clean joke?
a horse took a bath with bubbles
Q:wanna hear another dirty joke?
bubbles was the horse next door

Smile This Joke was Submitted By PETER WU
ONE DAY THI LADY HAD A PINK MAGICAL PENIS AND WHATEVER THE LADY SAID THE PINK MAGICAL PENIS WOULD DO. SO THE LADY SAID "PINK PENIS FLY OVER HERE AND GO IN MY MOUTH". SO THE PINK MAGICAL PENIS FLEW OVER TO THE WOMAN AND FLEW IN HER MOUTH AND SHE SUCKED IT. THEN THE LADY SAID "PINK PENIS FLY OVER HERE AND FU#K ME" SO THE PINK PENIS FLEW OER AND FUCKED HER. AS THE LADY WAS GETTING SCREWED BY THE PINK MAGICAL PENIS HER HUSBAN WALKED IN AND HE SAID "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE" THE LADY SAID "IT'S JUST MY PINK MAGICAL PENIS" HER HUSBAND SAID "PINK MAGICAL PENIS MY ASS!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jeff wallace
Q: What do lesbian's and mechanics have in common?
A: They both use snap on tools!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By michael
this kid wanted to take a shower with his dad and his dad said "ok just don't look up" so he looks up and says "whats that?" and his dad said "its my toyota" and then the kid's mom wants to take a shower and the kid says "can I take a shower with you?" and his mom said "ok just don't look up"and he looks up and says(key to answer A1)"whats that?" and his mom said "thats my garage" (key to answer A2) "thats my garage and those are my lights" anyways the parents are going to bed and the kid asks "can i sleep with you?" the said "ok. just don't look under the covers" so he looks under the covers A1 "mom why is daddy's toyota in your garage?" A2 "mom open your garage turn on your light cause daddys toyota is coming in"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Amy
This is a true story.
This girl who lives in my town got a carrot stuck up her ass and had to go to the emergencie room to get it out. She said the carrot had more action then a guy.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TITTY
Q: WHAT IS BILL CILNTON'S FAVOURITE MOVIE ?
A: FREE WILLY

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jason zinnerman
Your mammas so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By courtney Walker
Your mama so fat she uses the VCR as her beeper

Smile This Joke was Submitted By J. Cummins
Q. What is the difference between fish and meat?
A. If you beat your fish, it dies.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Debbie
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to burly man. He asked, "Do you want to here a Red Neck joke?" The burly man said, " Before you tell me it, you should know, I am a redneck, 6'2" and weigh 200 lbs. The guy sitting next to me is a redneck, 6'4" and weighs 220 lbs. The guy sitting next to him is a redneck, is 6'6" and weighs 260 lbs. Now do you still want to tell the joke?" "Nah", the man replied," I don't want to have to repeat it 3 times."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Debbie
Yo mama so fat when she lost weight, she said,"What are those things down there?" (Pointing to feet)

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jd
Why did the booger cross the road?
Everybody kept picking on him.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By SHANNAN
I LOST MY JOKE <

Smile This Joke was Submitted By kylie
HOW DO YOU TEACH A BLONDE MATH?
SUBTRACT HER CLOTHES, DIVIDE HER LEGS, SQUARE ROOT HER THEN WATCH HER MULTIPLY.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Mark Ellis
There was this guy and he found a lamp and a genie came out and said "You have three wishes make them quick. But there is one condition what ever you get your ex-wife gets double." So he says o.k. I wish I had a million dallars. He got a million and his wife got two million. Then he said "I wish had a mansion on the beach. So his wife got two mansions on the beach. Then he wished that he could be beaten half to death!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Amanda Meeks
Q.whats a mans idea of helping with the house work?
A.lifting his leg so you can vacuum under it

Smile This Joke was Submitted By russell
Your mommas so fat, her High School photo was an aerial photograph.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By EDDIE
I have tried out the new sex drug Viagra. The trouble is, I took two pills and they got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck for three days.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dan
Where do sick boats go???
To the doc.....

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Janet
Q:What is the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A:only 1500 people went down on the Titanic.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By rebecca davis
hi i love your site!!!
Q: why was ragity anne kicked out of the toybox?
A: because she sat on Pinnocio's face and said 'lie to me! lie to me!'

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Stewart Cole
A man walks into a pub where the only customer was another man sat at the bar with a dog beside him. " Does your dog bite? " asks the man " No" replied the seated man, so he reaches over and gently pats the dog on the head. Immediately the dog lunges forward and savages the mans hand." Jesus" wails the man " I thought you said your dog doesn't bite" " It doesn't" replies the seated man, " It isn't my dog !"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Stewart Cole
What's long and thin, covered in skin, red in parts and goes in tarts ?
Rhubarb !

Smile This Joke was Submitted By M. S. Lindenberger
A man walks into a bar. Asks the bartender for 12 shots of whiskey. All of them are lined up. The man drinks them one after another with out stopping. The bartender asks,"Why you drinkin so fast?" The man says, "You would too if you had what I got." "What?" "75 cents!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dick
A man despirately in love with his girlfriend decided to have a big W tatooed on his penis. When they got married they went to Jamaca for their honeymoon. While in a public bathroom the man noticed a man from Jamaca that had a W tatooed on his penis. The man on his honeymoon said,"Is your girlfriend's name Wendy, too." "No mon." the man from Jamaca replied, "That says Welcome to Jamaca, have a nice time, when it's all stretched out"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By shawn
Why did the Cucumber blush?
Saw the salad dressing

Smile This Joke was Submitted By brandi
Q: Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A: To have better traction in the mud!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By "J"
Yo mama's so fat, I could kick her ass all day and never hit the same spot twice!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By joe whitney
your moma is so fat that when she was laying on the beach kids where runing around her saying free willey!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff
There was a bear and a rabbit in the forest. The bear just got done going shit, looked over at the rabbit and asked "do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replied "no". Then the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt and said "good".

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Katherine
Q: What do call 40 guys at home watching the super bowl?
A: The Dalls Cowboys

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Hag
One day this little boy came home from school and saw his mom jumping on his dads belly. The little boy asked his mom what she was doing and she replied that she was letting the air out of daddys belly. The little boy replied, "It won't do any good cause the lady next door keeps coming back over and blowing him back up."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By john
your mom's breath is so bad, when she talks her teeth duck.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By J - CREW
WHATS WORSE THAN SILICON TITS ?
A CARBOARD BOX

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Claire Campbell
Q: What do men and parking lots have in common?
A: All the good ones are taken and the rest are too small or handi-cap.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Naveen Sandhu
2 homeless men are sitting on the side of the street trying to beg up enough money from people to buy a couple of drinks, when the first homeless guy says to the second, "Give me all of your moneyI have an idea." The second homeless guys asks the first in suspision, "What is your idea, it better be good we dont have much money." The first homeless guy says, "I am gonna go into the 7-11 and buy us a hotdog" The second homeless guy says "What are u stupid why would i let u spend our money on a hotdog." The first homeless guy says "Wait u didn't let me finish.. we will by the hotdog and then through away the bun and i will stick the hotdog down my pants and when we go into the bar we will order a couple of drinks and drink them.. when the bartender asks for the money i pull my pants down and u start sucking on the hotdog like we are two faggots and we will get kicked out of the bar for being gar.." The second homeless guy agrees to the plan and when they show up to the first bar and order 2 drinks and drink them down real fast the bartender says "that will be $6.50!" The first homeless guy pulls his pants down and the second homeless guy starts to suck on the hot dog... grossed out by the site the bartender in rage screams... " you damn faggots. get the hell out of my bar and i never wanna see you here again.." When the two homeless guys get outside they relise their plan worked great so they went around the city using the same plan to get free drinks... After the 12th bar the second homeless guy says to the first "hey listen we have to switch positions or something because my knees are starting to kill." The first homeless guy says to the second, "Hey you think that is bad i lost the hotdog after the 3rd BAR!!!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Will
There was three people walking along they were named shit, fuckyou, and manners. Shit got ran over by a car fuck you went to the police and said "shit got ran over by a car" the officer said What is your name he said fuck you the officer said where is your manners he said "half way down the street picking up shit.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jim majors
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
a: because if it had four doors, it would have to be called a chicken sedan.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Kate Melissa
Q:what is a 6.9?
A: A 69 with a period inbetween.

Clinton and another guy are on the Titanic when it is about to sink. They are about to get in to a boat when a man yells women and children first. The guy says fuck the women and children. Clinton say, Do we have time?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Uncle Fu
One day a man was sitting in his office and he got a call and was told he had to go out of town for a couple weeks. So he called his wife and told her, she didn't seem to mind so he thought she might have and affair so he went to the local sex shop and looked for a dildo for her, the owner showed him all kinds of dildos then he showed him a special dildo...the voodoo dildo, the man said "Thats a regular dildo". No said the store owner this is a special dildo watch, the owner said "Voodoo Dildo the door" and the voodoo dildo started thrusting the door until it shattered so the guy bought that and gave it to his wife, he said "just say voodoo dildo your pussy" and it will start. Then he left a few days later she was hungry for some sex so she got out the voodoo dildo and said voodoo dildo my pussy and it started pumping and thrusting so hard and she had 3 orgasims, then she tried to stop it, her husband didn't tell her how to stop it, so she got dressed and got in the car and drove to the hospital. On her way to the hospital while having orgasims she was swerving all over the road finally a cop pulled her over and said mam whats the problem. She said, my husband bought me a voodoo dildo and told me how to start it just not how to stop it. the cop didn't belive her and he said, "VooDoo Dildo my ASS!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By sam
Q:how do you know you are in a gay bar
A:the stools are upside down

Smile This Joke was Submitted By greg
what do two dikes do when menstruating?
fingerpaint

Smile This Joke was Submitted By superman
little Johnny took his chemistry set into the basement and stayed there all day. finally his father went into the basement to find him nailing a worm into the wall. His father said "what are you doing?". Little Johnny says "my chemical mixture made this as hard as a rock!" his father says he'll buy him a new toyota for his mixture. johnny agrees and the next day when he comes home from school he sees a brand new mercedes benz. He goes inside the houseand asks his father about the car and his father says "your toyota is in the garage, the benz is from your mother

Smile This Joke was Submitted By superman
Little Johnny ran into the house one day and asked his mommy "can little girls have babies?" "of course not" his mother remarked little johnny got a big smile and ran out of the house and yelled "its O.K. we can play that game!!!!!!!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By mark
the are 200 people on a plane. The captain announces that they need to lose some weight so they start throwing every thing off the plane. The captain makes another announcement that says they need to lose more weight so he says "would people start jumping off the plane in alphabetcal order? so the captain says " would all the african americans please jump off the plane and they do. then he announces " would all the black people please jump off the plane and they do. then he announces would all the colored people jump off the plane and they do. a little black boy is sitting with his father and asks him what are we? his father says "today we niggas"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Angel
There once was an 8th grade class. . . One guy walks into first period 15 minutes late. “where have you been?!” asked the teacher. the guy replies “on top of Blueberry Hill.” Another guy shows up in second period 45 minutes later, with no shirt. “where have you Been?!?” asked the teacher. Again the student repies “ontop of Blueberry Hill.” In 3rd period, another guy shows up 1 hour and 1/2 later butt nacked. Where have you been?!?” asked the teacher “on top of Blueberry Hill.” was the responce. 5 minutes later, a nude and beautiful girl walks into 3rd period, and blow the guys a kiss. The teacher gets pissed and asked “who the hell are you?!?!” She replies “I’m Blueberry Hill”.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By veedub
I've given up eating NATURAL food because I've just found out 78% of people die of natural causes. So I'm just going to get off my face.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Tim Bell
Once there lived a family of a: wife, husband, son, daughter, and a cat. One day there was a man who was having trouble having sex with his wife, so one day he decided to call the doctor and get an explanation. The doctor told him to take two of these red colored pills a day and call him in a week. So he took them and to no prevail he still could not get it up. So he called the doctor and this time the doctor told him to take four pills a day. So he did. Still nothing. So the man decided to take the whole bottle. Later that week the doctor received a phone call, it was the man's son. He was screaming and yelling"Help! Help! My dad has gone crazy, my mom is dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts and my dad is going around saying here kitty kitty.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Josh DeBusschere
Three Men walk into a king's palace in hope of marrying his beautiful daughter. He tells them, "The one of you who brings me the most ping-pong balls will win my daughter!" The first man comes back with 200 ping pong balls. The second comes back with 500, and the last comes back smelly, beaten, and bruised. When the king asks where his ping pong balls are he exclaims, "Ping pong Balls!!!! I thought you said King Kong's BALLS!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jenni
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Are you still waiting for an answer?

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Zanna
why couldn't the pony speak?
It was a little hoarse.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By shit head
Wouldn't it suck to be a dick?

  1. you live next to two nuts.
  2. Your neighbor is a real asshole.
  3. You have a head you can't think with.
  4. Every time you get excited you throw up!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By HELGA
Q:WHY'D THE SHARK CROSS THE OCEAN? A:TO GET TO THE OTHER TIDE.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BILLY BOTTLECAP
Q:HOW DO YOU SAY WINDOW IN CREE? A:PLYWOOD

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JOHN MC CLAINE
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DRUG DEALER AND A HOOKER? A HOOKER CLEANS HER CRACK AND USES IT AGAIN.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Blake
Q:What do you call a bus load of lawyers going off a cliff?
A: A good start.
Q2:What do you call it when there is two empty seats?
A: A missed oppurtunity.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Patty
Q: What do you call an Amish man with his hand up a horse's ass?
A: A mechanic

Smile This Joke was Submitted By RGRG
What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a red-neck in divorce court have in common?
Someone's going to lose a mobile home!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Ivory
Three guys were walking alone the beach when they came apon a mermaid. The mermaid said that if they didn't tell anyone she was there she would give them each one wish. The men happily agreed. The first man wished he was 2 times smarter and poof he was 2 times smarter. The second guy wished he was 5 times smarter and poof he was 5 times smarter. Well the third guy wished he would be 20 times smarter but the mermaid said, Are you sure? The guy was, so poof he turned into a woman.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By john bassett
what does a black person get for christmas?
Your bike

Smile This Joke was Submitted By david perez
superman wanted sex so he saw a girl and said I could hit it a couple of times and leave she won't know what happened so he flew down and did it and then when he left a girl said what happened then the invisible man said I don't know but my butt hurts.THE END

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Dave Curry
Here is a little joke that I thought you might like: Enjoy!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the begining of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door.

  1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
  3. There are twelve diciples, not ten.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  7. The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
  8. David slew Goalith, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
  12. The Virgin Mary is not to be referred to as "Mary with the Cherry."
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh God!"
  14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By PIGIONS
WHY ARE BLONDS LIKE TOOLS?
BECAUSE, AFTER THEIR HAMMERED THEY GET SKREWED.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Matt Craig
Q: What do you get when you cross a Shitzu dog with a bulldog?
A: Bullshit.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bob
What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By JR Middaugh
Confuscius say, that school boy who play with school girl during wrong period get caught red handed!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Joe Shearer
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, "IF YOU DON'T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I'LL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!" A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, "did you jump?" The boy said," A little at first!"

There was a man with a daughter, son, and a wife. The man and his wife were not having very good sex lately so the man went to a doctor and told him about their problems and the doctor prescribed a pill for the man to take. The doctor warned that if the man took more than one pill the side effects could be damaging. The man made sure to take only one pill and he had the best sex of his life! He went back to the doctor and told him the good news. The doctor said that it was great but warned to take only one pill. The doctor started to worry after a week and a half had gone by and he hadn't heard from the man so he decided to go and make a house call. When he got to the house he saw the mans son on the front porch and noticed he was crying. The doctor asked why he was crying and the boy replied, "Mommy is dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt hurts, and daddy is running around the house calling, here kitty, kitty, kitty!

There once was a guy that was sitting in a bar drinking beer by the shot glass all day long. When the bar was ready to close the bartender asked him why he had been there all day. He told the man he was celebrating a blow job. the bartender said, "Well, in that case have a free one on me." "Thanks," the man replied, "because if this doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

An Eskimo was riding across the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started sputtering. The Eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanic's shop. After five or ten minutes, the mechanic returns, and says, "Look's like you just blew a seal." To which the Eskimo replied, "No, that's just frost on my mustache."

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

Superman is horny one day so he decides to fly over to get it on with Wonder Woman. As he approaches her skyscraper, he notices her sunbathing next to the pool on the roof. As he descends upon her he sees that she appears to be having an erotic dream, for she is writhing and panting. "What luck!", thinks Superman as he zaps off his uniform and lets Wonder Woman have it with lightning speed. He zaps his uniform back on and blasts off. Wonder Woman suddenly opens her eyes and asks, "What was that?" The Invisible Man replies, "I'm not sure, but my ass is sure sore!"

Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them throws up all over himself. "Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says. His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?" "All right, I'll try it." So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!" "No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table. His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two Twenties here?" The man slurs back, "He shit in my pants, too."

An important senator arranges to use an escort service (high-class prostitution) and winds up with this beautiful Japanese girl who speaks little English, but hey, he wasn't in the mood for conversation anyway. So they get at it, and she gets into it like no woman he's ever seen! She starts yelling this Japanese word and making faces and he can tell he's driving her crazy! He's never had it so good. So the next morning, he's golfing with the Japanese ambassador, and he makes a birdie. He suddenly remembers the word that the woman yelled at what must have been the moment of climax the night before, and he yells it out. The ambassador looks at him rather oddly, looks at the pin, and says, "no, that was the right hole..."

Adam and Eve


In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!

Top 47 Oxymorons

  1. Act naturally
  2. Found missing
  3. Resident alien
  4. Advanced BASIC
  5. Genuine imitation
  6. Airline Food
  7. Good grief
  8. Same difference
  9. Almost exactly
  10. Government organization
  11. Sanitary landfill
  12. Alone together
  13. Legally drunk
  14. Silent scream
  15. American history
  16. Living dead
  17. Small crowd
  18. Business ethics
  19. Soft rock
  20. Butt Head
  21. Military Intelligence
  22. Software documentation
  23. New York culture
  24. New classic
  25. Sweet sorrow
  26. Childproof
  27. "Now, then ..."
  28. Synthetic natural gas
  29. Passive aggression
  30. Taped live
  31. Clearly misunderstood
  32. Peace force
  33. Extinct Life
  34. Temporary tax increase
  35. Computer jock
  36. Plastic glasses
  37. Terribly pleased
  38. Computer security
  39. Political science
  40. Tight slacks
  41. Definite maybe
  42. Pretty ugly
  43. Twelve-ounce pound cake
  44. Diet ice cream
  45. Working vacation
  46. Exact estimate

    And the Number one top OXY-Moron

  47. Microsoft Works

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DICK
ONE PAYDAY MR. GOODBAR WANTED A BIT O'HONEY SO HE TOOK MISS HERSHEY BACK IN THE POWERHOUSE ON THE CORNER OF CLARK AND FIFTH AVE. HE BEGAN TO FEEL HER MOUNDS AND THAT WAS SURE ALMOND JOY WHICH MADE HIS TOOTSIE ROLL. HE LET OUT A SNICKER AND HIS BUTTERFINGERS WENT UP HER KIT KAT WHICH CAUSED A MILKY WAY. SHE SCREAMED " O'HENRY" AND SQUEEZED HIS ZAGNUTS. MISS HERSHEY SAID, " YOU WERE EVEN BETTER THAN THE 3 MUSKETEERS." SOON SHE WAS A BIT CHUNKY. NINE MONTHS LATER SHE HAD A BABY RUTH.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By DkButtrfly
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess ..her father the King, decided it was time for her to marry. He called together five well known and single Princes from the nearby castles..they all wanted to marry his lovely daughter, so he proposed a deal to them. He stood before them, among a noisy crowd, and told the five young men, "Whoever brings me the most ping pong balls, shall have the hand of my daughter in marriage." The young men all rushed off, each hoping he would collect the most ping pong balls and win the lovely princess. The king waited and waited for weeks...finally the first young prince returned with a huge wagon full of ping pong balls....The following day, the second prince returned with two huge wagon loads of ping pong balls... The next day the third prince returned with three huge wagon loads of ping pong balls... Two days later the fourth prince returned with five huge wagonloads of ping pong balls, and a confident look on his face... The King was sure the fourth prince had the most ping pong balls anyone could ever collect, but he had agreed to wait to award his daughter until all the young princes were back and all the talley's were in...
Well they waited and waited, and finally two weeks later...the fifth prince returned. He was badly beaten and his clothes filthy and ragged...he rode in a monstrous wagon that contained two humongous brown hairy round things... The King stared at the young man and asked, "What in God's name did you bring me??"
The prince looked puzzled as he glanced at the wagon contents, then back to the King... "Those don't look like any ping pong balls I've ever seen!" the King exclaimed. The young prince's face went white, his mouth fell open as he slapped his forehead hard with his palm, "Jesus! Ping pong balls?? I thought you said, King Kong's balls!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By john
A man was taking a shower, put on his bathrob, and saw his daugheter with the door open and a big wind came in and blew his bathrob and the girl saw his penis, and said what's that? the father anwsered it's my chicken. He layed down on the couch and went to sleep. When he woke up his penis hurted. He asked what happend to his little girl and said I was petting it then it spitted at me so i broke it's neck, I broke it's eggs and set it's nest on fire.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Stacey Edwards
A man walks into a bar with two dogs. The bartender asks, "are those Jack Russels?". The man replies, "No. they are mine."

Van and Stoeffel are sitting at the bar counter and Stoeffel is watching the bar-owner's dog cleaning itself. The dog starts licking its balls and Stoeffel says, " shit, I wish I could do that." Van says, "You can, but I'm sure he'll bite you!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Darrick
A guy applies for a job at Wal-Mart. When he was being interviewed for the job the interviewer asked him why he should get his job. "Well, I was wounded in Vietnam". OK the interviewer says that should help increase your chances of getting a job. If you don't mind me asking, how were you wounded? " Well," the guy says, I don't really like to talk about it but, my nuts got blown off by a gernade." Oh, sorry to hear that. Anyway you can start at 8a.m. tomorrow. But I thought Wal-Mart opens at 7:30. It does, but the rest of the guys just stand around and scratch their nuts for a half hour.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Darrick
Q. What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
A. Toys for Twats!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By valerie
There's a guy walking on the beach at sun set when he saw a girl with no arms and no legs, just a torso,crying. He asked what was wrong and she said "I'm 21 years old and I have no arms and no legs and I've never been kissed", so he bends down and gives her a sweet kiss, and starts to walk away....When he hears her crying again, He asked" what's wrong now" .She says "I'm 21 years old , I have no arms and no legs and i've never been screwed"....So he picks her up and tosses her in the ocean and says .".Your screwed now BABY!!!!!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jessi
Q.How do you know who gives the best blowjobs?
A. Word of mouth

THIS GUY COMES HOME FROM WORK AND SEES ALL HIS STUFF IS LYING ON THE LAWN. HE ASKS HIS WIFE "WHAT YOU DOIN. "I'M THROWING YOU OUT. "WHY. "I HERD YOU WERE A PEDIFILE. "A PEDIFILE? THATS A BIG WORD FOR A 12 YEAROLD.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By BRIAN
YO MAMA IS SO SHORT, SHE PLAYS HANDBALL ON THE CURB.
YO MAMA IS SO GREASY, SHE USES BACON AS BAND-AIDES.
YO MAMA IS SO FAT, WHEN SHE HAULS ASS SHE MAKES 2 TRIPS.
LIFE IS LIKE A PUBIC HAIR ON A TOILET SEAT, SOONER OR LATER YOU GET PISSED OFF.
WHAT'S BETTER THAN HONOUR-IN 'ER.
DEFINITION OF VIRGINITY-BIG ISSUE OVER A LITTLE TISSUE.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anonnymous Again
A fireman came home from a fire one day and said hey honey! We learned some new signals today. I think we oughta use them while having sex! So he says, " when I yell 1, strip down naked! When I yell 2 Jump on the bed and get ready! When I yell 3, start "pumpin". So he yelled 1 then 2 then 3. Later, while they were still going at it, his wife yelled, "4!" He said, "Whats that mean?" His wife said, "I need more Hose!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Anonymous
Bill & Hillary Clinton had a Halloween Party to go to. So Bill said to Hillary, "You Go Get Your Costume On and then I'll Show you Mine!" So Hillary Came back with a lemon between her legs. Bill looked at her funny and then got his costume. He came back with a potato between his legs. Hillary asked,"Why Do you Have A potato between your legs?" Bill replied, "Since you decided to be a sour-puss, I'm gonna be a DickTater!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ya good
yo mama so fat it takes me a train bus and a cab just to get to her good side

Smile This Joke was Submitted By ted fred
Q:what don you call a fish with no eyes
A:a fshhhhhhhhhh

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Aaron Rowse
There were three men in a car, driving down the road when they swerve to miss a truck, go into a fence and die. Then they get to heaven, and St. Peter is standing at the gates. He sees the three men, and says, "Could I please ask a question of you three? You haven't cheated on your wives lately, have you?" The first one says, "No, I could never cheat on my wife. She has been good to me and I have been good to her." St. Peter says, "Well then, you get to tour heaven in a shiny new Caddilac Limo. Then the next guy comes up, St. Peter asks him, and he says, "I have cheated on my wife a couple times, but I try not to." So St. Peter says, "Then you get to tour heaven in a '76 'Vette." The next guy comes up, St. Peter asks him, and he says, "Oh, I was always cheating on her. Heck, if I was on Earth right now, I'd probably be cheating on her." St. Peter says, "Well, you get to use this skateboard." About an hour later, the guy on the skateboard rolls up alongside the guy in the Limo, who is crying. The skateboard guy says, "Why are you crying? Don't you enjoy your Limo?" The guy in the Limo says, "Well, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."

Smile This Joke was Submitted By quty
There was a little boy from a small town and the circus was coming. He asked his parents if he could go and they said" yes of course." The next day his parents are gone and he starts crying. Along comes Micheal Jackson and he asks" What's the matter?" "My parents are gone, now no one will take me to the circus." MJ "It's ok kid, I'll take you and I'll even show you a majic trick." So they go to the circus and eat all the candy and go on every ride. kid says "hey Micheal, what's that Majic trick you where going to show me? MJ " ok, kid bend over." so he does MJ "hey kid, does it feel like I have my thumb up your butt?" kid "yeah, why? MJ"looK! NO HANDS!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By dick
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE JUST MARRIED COUPLE THAT ARE FILING FOR A DICORCE?
IT ALL STARTED WHEN THE HUSBAND CAME HOME AND SAID " WHATS FOR DINNER." HIS WIFE REPLIED " PUSSY."
"DAMN" HE SAID " THATS WHAT I HAD FOR LUNCH!"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Bob Chrétien
What's the meaning of 6.9 ? A good thing ruined by a period !!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Lars Andersson
Once there was three guys who were comparing how stupid their wifes were. So the first one says: My wife is so stupid that last week she bought a new car. AND SHE DOESN´T EVEN HAVE A DRIVERS-LICENSE! The other guy says: Ok, but my wife´s worse. Last month she bought a helicopter, and she doesn´t have a flying-certificate!!! They all laugh, and finally the last guy says:You should see my wife, she is dumber than both your wifes together! When I go away on vacation, she buys a couple of thousands condomes, AND SHE HASN´T EVEN GOT A DICK!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By jason marshall
OK THERE WAS THREE GUYS SITTING AT A BAR THE BAR THAT JUST OPEND WITHOUT A NAME SO THE OWNER SAID I WILL GIVE A MAN 100 DOLLARS IF ONE COMES UP WITH A GOOD NAME THE OWNER ASKES THE FIRST GUY HE SAID I CANT THINK OF ON HE SO HE ASKED THE SECOND HE SAID I CANT THINK OF ONE HE ASKED THE THIRD GUY HE SAID HOW ABOUT LUCY'S LEGS THE OWNER SAID THAT'S WHAT HE IS GOING TO NAME IT THE NEXT DAY HE WAITED IN FRONT OF OF THE BAR SOMEONE SAID WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR HE SAID I'M WAITING FOR LUCY'S LEGS TO OPEN SO I CAN GET A DRINK. <

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Nichaol Gerdes
Why do guys like big boobs and tight pussies???
Because they have big mouths and little dicks.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By diarrhea breath
Did you know that diarrhea is contagious?
Yah. It runs in your genes.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By yeah
Ok there was this farmer and he had a black and a white guy staying the night with him and his daughter and they spent the night there and in the morning the farmer had to go into town and told the guys that he would leave them in the house alone with his daughter on one condition that they didn't fuck her they said ok (they thought they could handle it) Well when the daughter came down stairs and was all flirty and every thing with them they couldn't handle it so they fucked her and the farmer came home and knew that they had, had sex with his daughter so he then told the two guys white and black to go out and start picking one hundred of there favorite fruits. So the white guy goes out and starts picking cherries and comes back. The old guy has a gun and tells the white guy to start shoving those cherries up his ass he gets 25 up there and starts laughing, the farmer's like if you don't put all the cherries up there I'm going to shoot you so he gets about 50 up there and then bursts out laughing again and then the farmer's like ok tell me what your laughing at the white guy said " that niggers out there picking watermelons"

Smile This Joke was Submitted By Jeff
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it for a DRAG!!!!!

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TRISH
MAKE LIKE A COW TURD AND HIT THE TRAIL

MAKE LIKE AN ALLIGATOR AND DRAG YOUR ASS ON OUT OF HERE

Smile This Joke was Submitted By TRISH
I'M PINK ... THEREFORE I'M SPAM

Smile This Joke was Submitted By pussy
Q:What is the difference beetween a skydiver and a golfer?
A: A golfer goes whack and then says "Oh fuck!", a skydiver says "Oh fuck!" and then goes whack.

Smile This Joke was Submitted By john deil
Q: Why could Miss Piggy only count to 69? A: She had a frog in her throat.


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