Kelly's Bar Jokes


A girl and a guy are in an elevator, and the girl takes off all her clothes and throws them on the ground and says, "Make me a women", the man takes off all his clothes and throws them on the ground and says pick them up.

Farmer hears a knock at the door. Guy standing there says, "Hi my name's Joe. I'm here to get Flo. Is she ready to go? Farmer says, "I don't know" yells upstairs, "Hey Flo, it's Joe. He's here to take you to the show. Are you ready to go?" A few minutes go by and Flo comes down and Flo and Joe leave to go to the show. Farmer sits down. Knock at the door. Opens the door. There's guy standing there. He says, "hi my names Eddy, I'm here to get Betty. We're gonna go eat some spaghetti. Is she ready.

There were three couples, one of Jewish faith, one of Catholic faith and one of Protestant faith. The entire group was returning, by plane,from an inter-faith conference when their plain crashed. Well, low and behoold, each couple found themselves at the Pearly gates facing St. Peter. St. Peter asked the Jewish man,"Sir is it true you loved money so much that you married a women named 'Penny'?'" And when the Jewish man answered yes, he and his wife named Penny where told to go on down to hell. They'd be better suited there. They next couple to come before St. Peter was the Catholic couple. St Peter said," Is it true, sir, that you love alcohol so much that you married a woman named Sherry? And when the Catholic man had answered yes, St. Peter told him to go on down to hell. He and his drink-loving wife would be better suited down there. Well about this time, the Protestant man grabbed his wife's and said," Come on, Fanny, it 's no need for us to even go up there.

Having Alzheimers really isn't so bad, ya know. I can think of three advantages: First, you only have to own one book, second, you make new friends EVERY day, and third, you can hide your own easter eggs.

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.

A JEW, A PAKKI, A BLACK MAN, AND A CANADIAN WERE WALKING THRUOGH THE DESERT. IN THEIR FINAL HOURS OF LIFE, THE JEW COMES ACROSS A MAGIC LANTERN. THE JEW RUBS THE LANTERN AND A GENIE APPEARS. GENIE SAYS: "I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH". THE JEW SAYS: PLEASE RETURN ME TO MY HOME LAND.!" THEN THE JEW DISAPPEARS. THEN THE PAKKI RUBS THE LANTERN AND IS ALSO GRANTED ONE WISH. HE SAYS: SEND ME TO MY HOME LAND!" THEN THE PAKKI DISAPPEARS. NEXT THE BLACK MAN RUBS THE LANTERN AND ONCE AGAIN THE GENIE SAYS: I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH. THE BLACK MAN SAYS: "I WISH TO GO BACK TO MY HOME COUNTRY." FINALLY THE CANADIAN, STANDING ALL ALONE RUBS THE LANTERN AND THE GENIE SAYS: I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH. THE CANADIAN REPLIES: WELL, THE JEW IS GONE, THE PAKKI IS GONE, AND THE BLACK GUY TOO...........UH,...JUST GIVE ME A DIET COKE.

One day a drunk man tells the bartender, I bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye. Bartender grinned and said ok you drunk. The drunk pulled out his right fake eye out and bit it. After more drinks the drunk said, bet you $200 I can bite my left eye. Bartender knew it cant be fake so he said ok. The drunk pulls out his dentures and bites his left eye.Bartender gets really mad. Afew more drinks the drunk sais, bet you $400 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar. The bartender knew he couldnt do it so he said ok. He slid the shot glass as fast as he could. the drunk jumped on the stools and peed all over the bar and the water. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy and happiness because he won $500. In the back he heard a man yelling. He asked whats wrong? the man said, that drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on you and your bar and you would be happy about it!

Then there was the guy who didn't know whether to see a sex therapist or a proctologist. That's right. The poor guy didn't know if he was coming or going.

Oh, by the way, there's a new pill that's guaranteed to cure impotence, but it has a weird side effect. You have to swallow it real fast or you get a stiff neck.

A physician was finishing up orders on a chart as he was letting a patient go home. He casually handed the chart to the ward nurse saying, "I have a discharge." Not missing a beat the nurse replied solicitously, "Too bad, are you going to start taking some antibiotics?"

THERE IS A MOUNTAIN WITH A BROTHEL ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN. THERE IS ONE MAN GOING UP THE MOUNTAIN, ANOTHER HALF WAY DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, AND THE THIRD INSIDE THE BROTHEL. WHAT ARE THEIR NATIONALITIES? THE GUY GOING UP THE MOUNTAIN IS RUSSIAN, THE GUY COMING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN IS FINNISH, AND THE GUY INSIDE THE BROTHEL IS HIMALAYAN!

A new car salesman accompanies a client on a test drive of the latest model in his showroom. "Note the advanced technology that allows you to select a radio station of your choice without your hands leaving the steering wheel "intoned the salesman, "Try it out. Say Rock." The prospective buyer obliged and said "Rock." Sure enouogh the radio automatically recognized the word and selected a Rock and Roll station. "This is wonderful!" exclaimed the test driver, "Let's see if this voice recognition really works!" "Be assured that the technologic advances in this radio not only recognise you voice but have the "ability" to respond to your command." replied the dealer. With that the buyer tried "News" and the news station came on. He tried "Classic" and the local classical music station came on and so on. He seemed mesmerized with his ability to verbalize a command and instantly hear the radio comply by changing to the station of his choice. All of a sudden without warning another driver cut in front of the demo car almost resulting in a collision. "IDIOT!" cried out the prospective buyer. Instantly the radio station changed to Rush Limbaugh.

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer to "and give us our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approaches the Pope again with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcines. A month later later the man offers 100 million, the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, he announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is that we have 100 million for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT LITTLE JOHNNY UP IN HIS BATHROOM ONE NIGHT WHEN HIS MOTHER WALKED IN, AS SHE LOOKED DOWN AT JOHNNY STANDING IN FRONT OF THE SINK WITH TOOTH PASTE ALL OVER HIS PENIS, SHE ASKED HIM " JOHNNY, WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING ?" HE REPLIED " MOM, I DON'T WANT TO GET A CAVITY LIKE SUZY GOT !!"

"Mommy, why do I walk in circles?" "Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."

A Millionaire is dying, he calls his 3 closest friends to his bedside. "I know they say you can't take it with you when you go, but I want to try." He said, "I'm going to give you $1 Million apiece, if you will place it in my coffin at my funeral." They agreed, and at his funeral, they all placed envelopes in the casket. 2 Months pass, and they meet for lunch. One friend says "I have a confession, I only put $200,000 in the envelope". Another friend says "Yeah, I only put in $300,000." The third says "I'm SO disappointed! He was our friend! How could you do this? ... My envelope contained a check for $1,000,000".

In days of old, when knights were bold, and toilets weren't invented, they left their load in the middle of the road, and walked away contented.

Once, this farmer had two sals (female pigs) that he wanted to mate. The farmer knew of this big male pig named Ol' Jake. So he called Ol' Jake's owner up and everything was arranged. The next day the two sals went into Ol' Jake's pen, and something wild went on. The farmer then asked how he would know if it took. Jake's owner told him that if the sals were in the mud, it didn't take, if they end up in the sun, then it took. Well, the farmer went home and sure enough the salls went straight to the mud. The next day the farmer took them back to Ol' Jake. This time the dogs were barking, the chickens were a cluckin', it was just wild!! When the farmer got home, he couldn't bare to look to see where the sals went to, so he asked his wife, Bertha, after he and his Bertha were in the house, where the sals went, in the mud or in the sun? she said,"Neither. They're in the cab of the truck honkin' the horn!".

Have you heard there is a new computer virus going around.....It is called the Bobbit virus, yep it turns your hard drive into a floppy drive.

Milton Bradley is changing Monopoly, yes folks, now when you get out of jail, not only do you get all the money in the bank to pay for your legal defense, but you automatically become Mayor!

Al Cowlings claims that he's not going to write a book, ...but as soon as he finishes that Hooked on Phonics Course!! ....Look Out!

So these two brother go up their log cabin way out in the boonies to do some hunting. As they are walking through the woods, one of the brothers steps on a snake and the snakes reaches up and bites him directly in the crotch! Immediately he begins to get woozy. His brother quickly picks him up and carries him the ten miles back to the log cabin. Since the are miles from any hospital, he calls a doctor to see if he can do anything for his sickly brother. The doctor asks him what kind of snake it was. He says:"I don't know. It was about three feet long and was striped yellow and black." The doctor says: "Oh, that's a very poisonous snake. You'll have to suck the posion out or your brother will be dead in half an hour." So he goes to the room where he left his brother and his brother asks, barely conscious :"What did the doctor say?" And his brother says:"You'll be dead in half an hour."

This guy's house was on fire, so he called the firestation and told them, "Hey" My house is on fire and the fireman said "How do you get there?" and the guy says, "Don't y'all still drive those big red trucks?

There once was a man, and he grew the biggest tomatoes. His neighbor, Mary, asked him one day how they got so big. HE said, "This is what I do. Every night, I take a shower. After I'm done I put on a robe and go outside. I then take off my robe in front of the plants, and watch the stars for about an hour." Well, Mary wanted big tomatoes, so she figured what would it hurt. That night she took a shower, put on a robe, and went outside for an hour. The next morning, her neighbor stopped by and asked how the tomatoes were. Mary exclaimed, "My tomatoes didn't get any bigger, but you should see the size of the cucumbers!"

A few years ago Harvard did a study to see why a man had a head on the end of his penis. They spent 5 thousand dollars and 5 years and concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Well Princeton saw all of this, and being Princeton had to prove Harvard wrong. So they spent another 5 thousand dollars and 5 years and concluded it was to give the man more pleasure during sex. Well this whole time West Virginia U was looking at this and said "these guys are all wrong..." So they spent five bucks and a half an hour and concluded that it was to keep your hand from slipping off the end.

One of santa's elves goes to the doctor with itchy balls, the doctors says "bend over, drop you pants and I'll have a look at the problem". The elve does this and while he's bent over the doctor say's "I think I see the problem" the elf see in the mirror the doctor picking up a large pair of cutters and starts to get worried, he is tense as he waits for the cutters but instead he hears snip, snip, snip but feels nothing... after a few minutes the doctor says "all done." the elf, feeling not pain or itching stands up, pulls up is pants and say what was the problem, the doctor says "well I just cut 3 inches off your furry boots."

A bounty hunter came into a bar in Mexico to look for a man who had been robbing banks in Texas. He put a gun up to the man's head and said "Where's the money?" Another man came up and said "Him don't know English. I will interpret for you." The bounty hunter said "Ok, tell him that I will blow his head off if he doesn't tell me where the money is." So the man talked to the other man who told him to go to the brick building on the corner and count three brick layers up and three bricks to the right and there he would find the money. The bounty hunter asked "What did he say!?" The man said "Oh, senor. He said he don't care. Blow his head off."

Did you hear about the college student that said he would have studied art a lot sooner if he would have known there were so many pictures of Madonna!

The doctor said to the male patient, "your going to need heart surgery" the patient said " I'd like to get a second opinion doctor". The doctor said " your ugly too".

Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon and says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw"

We all know Santa as a fat, jolly old man. Well, he may be fat and he may be old, but he ain't always jolly. There was this one year when Mrs. Claus decided she wanted to be a feminist, the reindeer went on strike, and the elves sued because they wanted to be called "vertically challenged toy manufacturers". So Santa retreated to his office to rest, when an angel entered and said, "Santa..." "What do you want?" was the reply. "Well," the angel answered,"The Christmas Tree arrived today." "So?" Santa said "Well, I was wondering where you wanted me to put it." And that, my friends, is why Angels sit on top of trees.

Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline .If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.If you are paranoid-delusional...

When O. J. made that phone call from his driveway, it was to Michael Jackson, asking him how he made his glove disappear.

There's so much tourist interest in the site where Lorrena tossed her husband's manhood out the window that the exit ramp has been renamed the John Bobbitt Cut-off.

A man walks into a Doctor's office. "Doctor, please help me. It hurts when I do this" he says pointing to his nose. "It hurts when I do this" he says pointing to his left elbow. "It hurts when I do that" he concludes, pointing to his coccyx. "Ach! I see the problem!" says the Doctor. "You have a broken finger!"

A U.S. and Russian General are discussing troops rations. The Russian says: "Every day, each soldier consumes 1500 Calories". "Oh yeah?" says the American, "Well our troops consume 3000 Calories a day". "This is not possible", replies the Russian, "How can one man eat entire sack of potatoes?"

There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. "Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!"

Bill & Hillary Clinton and Al Gore all die in a plane crash. Upon reaching the gates of heaven, God meets them and asks Al Gore, "who are you?" "Well, I'm Al Gore, I was Vice President of the United States." "Very well," replies God. "You may sit in the chair to my right. .. And who are you?" he asks Bill Clinton. "I was Bill Clinton, I was President." "Very well," says God. "You may sit in the chair to my left." God then turns to Hillary and asks, "Who are you?" "I'm Hillary...and you're in MY chair!!"

Two idiots were searching the city for something to do, but they only had two dollars. They didn't have enough money for any kind of fun, until they were walking around a drug store, and one idiot said, "Hey, we can have a lot of fun with this!" The other idiot said "What kind of fun can you have with a box of tampax ?" The first said, "It says right here on the box -- You can swim, you can play tennis, you can ride a horse...."

Doctor: I'm afraid I have some very bad news. You have both cancer AND Alzheimer's disease. Patient: Well, it could be worse! Doc: How could it be worse? Patient: I could have cancer!

My brother was a Captain in the Virginia National Guard and was in need of a 3-hole punch. When he received his order from the supply office he had to laugh. They were all out of 3-hole punches, so they sent him 3 one-hole punches!

There once was a beekeeper and he was trying to sell his bees. He went around to all the farms, but no one would buy his bees. Finally he got to this last farm and talked the farmer into tying him (bee seller) to a tree stark naked and letting the bees loose. So the farmer agreed. The next day, the farmer looked out the back window and saw the bee seller tied to the tree with an exhausted look on his face. The farmer asked what the matter was and the bee seller said- "I had no problem with the bees as usual, but I wish that someone would teach that calf who it's mother is"


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