Kelly's Bar Jokes


Smile A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!
Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!

Smile Bill Gates dies He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case: I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "What's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Smile A Brief History Of Real Estate Agents
6 MILLION BC: God searches for a planet to establish life. Encounters real estate agent from "Lucifer's Planets & Gardens" who says "I've got a great deal on a fixer-upper just 90 million miles from the Sun."
5.9 MILLION BC: God buys the Earth and, after the closing, discovers it is a mass of molten goo. Angry, God confronts the agent and banishes him to spend eternity wearing polyester suits.
4 MILLION BC: God creates the ocean and the seas. By accident, a pool of pond scum transforms itself into the National Association of Realtors.
3.5 MILLION BC: God creates Florida.
3.49 MILLION BC: Thousands of real estate agents crawl out of the ocean to scout good condo locations. Market immediately crashes when agents realize that "snow birds" won't be invented for another 2 million years.
3 MILLION BC: A meteor crashes into Earth. The resulting crater creates a giant black hole filled with green ooze. The Multiple Listing Service is born.
2.45 MILLION BC: God makes Adam and Eve. However, delays in constructing Garden of Eden force Adam and Eve to live in an apartment eight months.
244 MILLION BC: Shopping for a move-up garden, Eve visits an Open Garden and encounters a fork-tongued real estate agent who tells her, "Garden, why would you want another one of those? I've got an entire apple orchard you can have real cheap."
243 MILLION BC: Adam and Eve become the first humans to truly understand what it means to buy from a real estate agent.
550 BC: Jealous of rising property values, real estate brokers in Greece devise a way to attack Troy by using a Trojan Horse.
42 BC: Cleopatra decides to build the Pyramids. Real estate agent and builder try to convince her that Squares would be much cheaper.
30 BC: Rome touted as "the hottest housing market in Europe" Thousands of buyers flock in to make deals with real estate agents.
29 BC: Rome real estate crashes. Julius Caesar calls a meeting of his advisors to see what can be done. Chief real estate broker Brutus suggests Caesar tours Rome to inspire consumer confidence. "Just lead the way," Brutus says, "I'll be right behind you."
500 AD: Middle ages bring major real estate slowdown. Agents are forced to take second jobs as undertakers. Scandal breaks out when agents are discovered to be removing gold fillings from dead people.
1308 AD: Real estate agent list a tower in Pisa, Italy as a "one of a kind property. Solid building guaranteed not to lean."
1492 AD: Christopher Columbus lands in America. However, he mistakenly believes he's in India, thanks to a bogus land survey provided by a Spanish real estate broker.
1620 AD: Pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock. First colonial real estate agent promises Pilgrims that Massachusetts is "always sunny and warm. Never drops below 70 I swear."
1621 AD: Giant blizzard nearly wipes out Pilgrims. Real estate agent is banished to New Jersey.
1626 AD: Manhattan bought for 100 beads and trinkets from the Indians. The Indians' real estate agent takes 6 beads as a commission.
l803 AD: Napoleon shocks and angers French real estate agents when he sells Louisiana to United States without an agent. At 515 million, sets record for largest "FSBO" (for sale by owner) sale in history.
1867 AD: United States purchases Alaska from Russia for 2 an acre, after Russian Czar is given advice by real estate agent that Alaska is "utterly useless" land with no value at all.

Smile There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."


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