Kelly's Bar Jokes


A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got aterrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. "Get a load of her" says the mouse, "I fancy that!" "Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion. So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night. The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The mouse is absolutely stuffed, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up on to a stool, pours a drink down his throat and says "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?" The mouse says "Yeah, she was really something else, she invited me back to her place to spend the night. "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion. "Well" says the mouse "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!"

THE LAST THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY

THE LAST THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY: What did O.J. Simpson say after the trial? Can I have my gloves back now?

The Bobbitt Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my penis I will keep,
And if I wake and it is gone,
I hope to find it on the lawn.

I hope the dog that's running free,
Doesn't see that little part of me,
Many precautions I must take,
To keep this part I love to shake.

Much attention I must pay,
To assure I put the knives away,
The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too,
Why there's no telling what she'd do.

To rid me of my manly charm,
I must keep it safe, away from harm,
So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes,
and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

A man walks into a bar one afternoon and says to the manager, "I see your sign 'Piano player needed, well I'm your man, I write all my own material." "You see the piano." said the manager, "Play me a tune." The piano player rocked out with a boogie-woogie that had the manager stomping his feet. "That was great," he said, "What do you call it?" "I call it 'Let me Fuck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed!'" said the pianist. "Well," said the manager, "uh....that certainly is an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one." The piano player played a haunting melody that brought tears to the manager's eyes it was so beautiful. "What do you call that tune?" said the manager. "I call it 'Open your Mouth Wide and Swallow it ALL When I Come.'" said the pianist. The manager replied, "Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but would you be terribly offended if I asked you not to announce the titles to your compositions?" "Not at all," replied the pianist, "You pay, I'll play." That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set. When they finally let him take a break, he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss. On the way out, one of the patrons button-holed him and said, "Wow! you play great!! But tell me, do you know your fly's open and your penis is hanging out?" "Know it? HELL...I wrote it!"

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer.

A man walked into a bar carrying an ape in his arms. "I just bought this fella as a pet," he explained. "We have no children, so he's going to live with us, just like one of the family. He'll eat at our table, even sleep in the bed with me and the wife." "But what about the smell?" Someone asked. "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."

A man with a big smile on his face walks into a bar. The bartender asks "What'll ya have?" "Gimme 12 shots of rum, 5 tequilas and a cup of coffee!" The bartender begins serving the man. The man gulps them down as fast as he can make them, and lights a cigarette. "So what's the occasion?" asks the bartender. "Just had my first blow-job". "Really, How was it?" "Not too bad but I can still taste it!"

A young man walks into a bar and notices two lovley young blond women sitting down. He tells the bartender: "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink." But the bartender gives him a funny look and answers, "I'm not so sure that is a good idea. You see they're lesbians." "Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don't know what you're talking about." So the bartender responded, "Why don't you go over there and ask them?" So the young man walked over to the women and asked, "I hear you are lesbians, what does that mean?" And one answered politely, "we'll we like to kiss, suck each others tits...." So the young man yells to the bartender, "Hey get us three drinks here for us lesbians!"

This depressed man walks into a bar and starts talking to the bar tender. The man says, "I just found out today that my older brother is gay!" The bartender replies, "Gee that's terrible. I'll give you a drink on the house." The next day, the same man walks into the bar again looking even more depressed. The bartender says "what's up?". The man replies, "I just found out today that my younger brother is gay!" The bar tender replies, "Gee that's awful. I'll give you another drink on the house." The man drinks the drink and then walks out. The following day, the same man crawls into the bar in a really bad shape. The bartender asks, "My God man, what happened to you?" The man replies, "I just found out that my dad is gay!" The bartender replies, "Doesn't anybody in your family like pussy?" The man thinks for a little while and then says, "Yeh, my sister!"

What do you get when you cross Dr. Jack Kevorkian, Dr. Ruth and Tonya Harding? Drop-dead sex that will bring you to your knees.


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