Kelly's Bar Jokes

A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line. Along comes the grandma and sees her grand daughter. Grandma asks grand daughter, "What are you lining up for." Granddaughter, not willing to let grandma know the truth told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?" Grandma (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replies, "Oh, it's easy, i just take off my dentures and suck them dry.

Three southern belles are sitting on the verandah and discover that they are all married to men named Marvin. They decide to nickname their Marvins after soda pop so that they can tell them apart. The first southern belle says "I'm going to name my Marvin Mountain Dew, because he comes from the mountains and he likes to do, do, do it all the time." The second southern belle says, "I'm going to name my Marvin 7 UP, because it's seven inches long, and it's always up!". The third southern belle announces that she's going to name her Marvin Jack Daniels. "You can't name your Marvin Jack Daniels! That's not a soda pop, that's a hard liquor!". That's My Marvin!

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside Heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and they begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect and all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard down. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Good grief!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer!?"

man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful food." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and not a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

World's Dumbest People

  1. [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
  2. [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
  3. [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
  4. [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
  5. [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
  6. [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made N of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
  7. ["The Indianapolis Star"]. A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
  8. [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.
  9. [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis,38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his _____ off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.


    I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
    I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

    I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
    I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

    I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
    And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

    I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
    I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

    And I don't go around checking my reflection
    in everything shiny from every direction.

    I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
    and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

    I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
    I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

    I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
    I don't carry our differences into the sack.

    I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
    or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

    I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
    I know what the time is and I know what to do.

    And I honestly think its a privilege for me
    to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

    I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
    It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

    I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
    I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

    Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
    I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

    Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
    I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

    I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
    I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

    I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
    I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!


    I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
    I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

    I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
    I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

    I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
    And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

    I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
    My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

    And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
    or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

    I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
    I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

    I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
    I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

    It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
    When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

    And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
    I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

    Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
    I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

    And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
    to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.

    I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
    I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

    I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
    or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

    Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
    then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

    Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
    Forget all about that old penis envy.

    I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
    Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

    I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
    I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

    Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first one went to see a professor who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" asked the first redneck. The professor answered " "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater"? "I sure do" answered the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good" the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN"!!! "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (The redneck is obviously catching on.) "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class." The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him walked back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? the friend asked. "Math, history, and logic," replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic"? asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater"? "No," his friend replied. Narrowing his eyes, the first redneck says "You're queer, ain't ya"?

    At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: one is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, and the other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman. They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. Don't look down!

    One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right. The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."

    A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" golf tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted. On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the mens. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly. At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband.
    "Mr. Smith, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us."
    "What is it?" asked Mr. Smith. "Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity." The husband said "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"

    A white missionary went deep into black Africa as the first white man that ever visited there. About a year passed when suddenly the clan-chief's wife gave birth to a halfbreed. The Chief ran to the missionary's hut waving a knife and the missionary spoke in terror, "Oh chief, nothing happened. It's like with the sheep, you know. Sometimes they give birth to black sheep for no reason at all." The chief thought for a while, and then said to the white man, "I agree, I won't talk about the pale child, and you don't talk about the sheep..."

    One day Mickey Mouse decides to divorce his wife Minnie, so he calls up his lawyer to explain the details of the situation to him. After listening to him the lawyer said, "I'm sorry Mickey, but you can't divorce your wife Minnie just because you think she's a bit strange." Mickey replies, "No, you misunderstood me, I didn't say she was strange, I said she was Fucking Goofy!"

    Toothbrush Salesman keeps selling everything his Boss gives him, and his boss keeps expecting him to fail. Finally he gives him a truckload full. Guy sells them all in record time. Boss wants to know how. Well I go to the airport set up a table and say, "want a chacolate?" They take a bite and say, God it tastes like shit!" "You're right, want to buy a toothbrush?"

    The worst foursome in golf: O.J. Simpson, Heidi Fleiss, Ted Kennedy and Greg Louganis. Why are they the worst? Well, O.J. slices....Fleiss hooks....Kennedy drives everything into the water, and Louganis doesn't know which hole to put it in!

    This guy walked into a tatoo parlor and asked to have a $100 bill tatooed on his penis. The artist asked, "Why would you want something like that?" "Well," said the guy, "I like to play with my money and watch it grow. But mostly, the next time my wife wants to blow a $100, she can do it at home!

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