Three southern belles are sitting on the verandah and discover that they are all married to men named Marvin. They decide to nickname their Marvins after soda pop so that they can tell them apart. The first southern belle says "I'm going to name my Marvin Mountain Dew, because he comes from the mountains and he likes to do, do, do it all the time." The second southern belle says, "I'm going to name my Marvin 7 UP, because it's seven inches long, and it's always up!". The third southern belle announces that she's going to name her Marvin Jack Daniels. "You can't name your Marvin Jack Daniels! That's not a soda pop, that's a hard liquor!". That's My Marvin!
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside Heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and they begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect and all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard down. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Good grief!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer!?"
man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful food." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and not a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
World's Dumbest People
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first one went to see a professor who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" asked the first redneck. The professor answered " "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater"? "I sure do" answered the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good" the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN"!!! "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (The redneck is obviously catching on.) "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class." The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him walked back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? the friend asked. "Math, history, and logic," replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic"? asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater"? "No," his friend replied. Narrowing his eyes, the first redneck says "You're queer, ain't ya"?
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: one is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, and the other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman. They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. Don't look down!
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right. The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."
A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" golf tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted. On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the mens. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly. At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband.
"Mr. Smith, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us."
"What is it?" asked Mr. Smith. "Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity." The husband said "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"
A white missionary went deep into black Africa as the first white man that ever visited there. About a year passed when suddenly the clan-chief's wife gave birth to a halfbreed. The Chief ran to the missionary's hut waving a knife and the missionary spoke in terror, "Oh chief, nothing happened. It's like with the sheep, you know. Sometimes they give birth to black sheep for no reason at all." The chief thought for a while, and then said to the white man, "I agree, I won't talk about the pale child, and you don't talk about the sheep..."
One day Mickey Mouse decides to divorce his wife Minnie, so he calls up his lawyer to explain the details of the situation to him. After listening to him the lawyer said, "I'm sorry Mickey, but you can't divorce your wife Minnie just because you think she's a bit strange." Mickey replies, "No, you misunderstood me, I didn't say she was strange, I said she was Fucking Goofy!"
Toothbrush Salesman keeps selling everything his Boss gives him, and his boss keeps expecting him to fail. Finally he gives him a truckload full. Guy sells them all in record time. Boss wants to know how. Well I go to the airport set up a table and say, "want a chacolate?" They take a bite and say, God it tastes like shit!" "You're right, want to buy a toothbrush?"
The worst foursome in golf: O.J. Simpson, Heidi Fleiss, Ted Kennedy and Greg Louganis. Why are they the worst? Well, O.J. slices....Fleiss hooks....Kennedy drives everything into the water, and Louganis doesn't know which hole to put it in!
This guy walked into a tatoo parlor and asked to have a $100 bill tatooed on his penis. The artist asked, "Why would you want something like that?" "Well," said the guy, "I like to play with my money and watch it grow. But mostly, the next time my wife wants to blow a $100, she can do it at home!