Kelly's Bar Jokes

An 8 year old girl goes to her dad who is working in the yard and asks, "Daddy, what's sex"? The father is surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He tells her about the birds and the bees; the egg and the sperm; and the male and female. When he has finished explaining, the little girl is looking at him with her mouth opened, so the father asks her, "why did you ask this question"? The little girl explains that "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs".

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Paddy and Mike were inseparable friends; Paddy was crippled. One day, Mike bursts in on the pastor in his rectory and says, "Father, Father, ye wouldn't believe what just happened to Paddy in the Church!" "Well, then tell me lad. What happened to Paddy in me church?" "Well, Paddy walked into the Church on his crutches. He reached into the holy water font, rubbed holy water all over his right leg, and threw away his right crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know." "Yes, yes, I know. Then what happened?" asks the priest. "Paddy did the same thing with his left leg and threw away his other crutch. And Paddy is a cripple, ye know." "Yes, yes, I know that! For the love of Jesus, Michael, tell me what happened next!" "Oh," says Mike, "he fell right on his ass! He's a cripple, ye know."

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?" "You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle".

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." "You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse." "No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse??" "Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Two sailors on shore leave are walking down the street. They spot a beautiful blonde, the first sailor asks his friend, "Have you ever slept with a blonde?" The second sailor replies that he has. First: "Have you ever slept with a brunette?" Second: "Why yes, in fact, I've slept with brunettes on several occasions." They walk on a little farther and see a gorgeous redhead who makes the other two women look dowdy. First: "Have you ever slept with a redhead then?" His companion looks at him and answers slowly, "Not a wink!"

A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said. "Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter." "Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here." "All right - how much do you wanna bet?" "Ten dollars." "You're on." So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side. "I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours." "Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master. "But he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off . . . "

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun." "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God." "Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in- law."

Sven and Ole were out deer hunting. Sven was pretty new to this whole deer hunting thing, so Ole had told him all about a clean kill, and field dressing, etc. Well, after an afternoon up in the stand, Sven heard some noise in the woods, he got buck fever and fired. He went over to where he thought his deer should be, and realized he had shot his good friend Ole. Sven rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like a very long time, the doctor came out shaking his head. He told Sven, "The gunshot wound wasn't too bad, and we could have saved Ole had you just not field-dressed him."

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."

During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the bride's Grandfather slipped her a $500 bill which she concealed in her glove, since he told her to keep it for "mad money". By tradition, the couple spent their first night together in the historic house. The bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs later that night, and asked where she was going. "I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them." "Oh you youngsters !" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that thing with your bare hands just as I did your Grandfather's."

A duck walked into a pharmacy, and waddled back to the druggist's counter. The druggist looked at him and chuckled, "Hey little fella! What can I do for you?" The duck says, "I'd like a box of condoms please." The pharmacist says, "Well, sure! Would you like me to put that on your bill?" The duck says, "I'm not that kind of duck!"

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child." "Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy." But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too."

A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by. "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!" The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use. A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, "Dad, look at thoses bow legged bastards!" The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, "I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else." just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys walk by and once again the child yells, "Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!" "Thats it!" the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare. Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park. As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them. The boy turns to his father and says, "Father, what strange men are these, whose balls hang in parenthises?"

A guy is on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots. He can't wait to show his new boots to his wife. Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly strips down naked except for his new snakeskin boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her. As the wife emerges from the bathroom her husband asks, "Well honey, do you notice anything special?" to which the wife replies" Yeah, it's limp!" "It's not limp!" exclaims the husband. " It's admiring my new snakeskin boots!" "Next time buy a hat."

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

This guy asked a girl if she wanted to hop in the back seat. Her reply was "No, I want to stay up here with you".

The goal tender threw a party after his team won the championship, and as a special honor asked the coach to say grace. Finishing up the short prayer, the team's guiding light said, "...we thank you, Lord, in the name of the Father, Son, and goalie host."

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied "Wagon Wheel". The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really". The teacher, in a huff, said, "All right young man, march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute !!!!" The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister, and said, "C'mon, 'Chicken Shit', he ain't gonna believe you, either."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?" "And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight."

Subway had a sign that needed a little punctuation work. It read:
Eat out the wife
will love you for it.

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared dishoveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened. He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow Titlist so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?" and that was the last thing he could remember.

When Development Engineers go out together on a week-end they talk about football.
When Middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand." "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the aft cabin of the 747. A very sleepy woman who had become aware of the dampness tugged at my skirt as the attendant passed by. Has it been raining? she asked the flight attendant. Keeping a straight face, she replied, Yes, but we put the top up. With a sigh of relief, the woman went back to sleep.

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't right know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't right know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father repied. "Don't right know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father repied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

Organizers of the first "National Orgasm Week" held this year were very disappointed with the results obtained. It seems at least three-quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

Did you know that if the Pilgrims had eaten Mountain Lion, we all would be eating pussy for Thanksgiving??

The husband gets drunk, and insists on taking a friend home from the pub to show him his posh home. They get in the hall, and... "Shee that chandelir, thash mine!" They progress through the house.... "Shee that big colour tel'vision shet, thash mine." Then upstairs..... "Shee that king-shise double bed, thash mine." "Shee that lovely woman naked in bed, thash my wife." "Shee that feller lyin' on top of her... thash me."

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.

Judi and her friend Jill decided to have their picture taken and went to the photographer. The process was totally new to Judi, so she kept asking Jill questions. "What's he doing now?" "He's going to pull down the backdrop." "What's he doing now?" "He's going to set up the camera." "What's he doing now?" "He's going to focus." "What! Both of us?"

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I' ve been circumcised." the other one says. "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My Mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"

Did you hear about the Irish electrician who was called into the local prison to fix the electric chair? After about 2 hours in there he came out and said "Blimey, I'm not touching that thing, it's a f***ing deathtrap!!"

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss." "Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?" "He went blue and collapsed."

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you everytime!"

A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the house. He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was. The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now." "Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times already!"

Three women are standing on the street corner. If one of them is called a "ho", what are the other 2 called? Support "ho's".

Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card. He quickly found a son-to-father card, but neglected to read it carefully. Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, "Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."

Three guys are debating who has the best memory. First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class." Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."

Sven and Olie chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Sven exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!" The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind." Sven and Olie were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Olie demanded. The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground. Wearily arising from the wreckage, Sven looked at Olie and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?" Olie, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?" "Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. "What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

A man seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom. Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, the stewartess quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat. "My wife's been annoying me for 20 years," he said with a chortle. "There's no sense in separating us now."

Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"

A blond and a brunet are in an elevator. A young guy walks in and the brunet casually starts pointing at the back of his head. When the guy leaves, the blond asks the brunet what she was pointing at? The brunet replies, "Didn't you see his dandruff? Someone needs to give him Head and Shoulders." And the blond says, "How do you give 'em Shoulders?"

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the Yuppette accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, and told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable. When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer said, "Isn't it true on the night of June 12th, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle that passed through Columbia at speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?" The Yuppette turned pale, but retained her remarkable self- control and composure. Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, "What was that date again?"

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult." the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts, "open the safe!" "But this is not a real bank!" the woman replies "it's a *sperm* bank." "Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts. The woman, now terrified, opens the safe. "Now take one of the bottles and drink it.", he says. "But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies. "Just drink it or I'll shoot!" The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take another bottle and drink it." "But sir, I just drank one!" "Drink another one or I'll shoot you!" The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband. "Now you see, Honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult, is it?"

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Perly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want." The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and she's gone. The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and she's gone. The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'! "

When my daughter, Michelle, was about 18 months old, I was driving her to the babysitter's when I was cut off by a guy making a L from the R lane. I came within 1/4 inch of hitting him. Michelle flew forward and started to cry. I was really angry and slammed my fist on the dash and said "FUCK YOU, BUDDY!!" Michelle was OK and we got to the sitters with no further incidents. About two week after this, a friend at work fixed me up with a blind date. We had agreed that he would come to my apartment about 6. When he knocked, I answered the door with Michelle by my side. He said a brief hello and then bent down to introduce himself to Michelle: "Hi, my name is Buddy, what's your name". Michelle looked up at me and said -- "Mommy, iz'at Fuckyou Buddy?"

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear." The troops started cheering at the news. "Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten- foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

A lady looked out the window and saw her husband trying to fly a kite to no avail. She opened the door and told him he needed more tail. He replied: "That's what I told *you* and you told me to go fly a kite!"

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "hey how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?" pointing to the supervisor. The other says, "I don't know, go ask him." So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?" The supervisor says "Intelligence". Guido says "what is this intelligence?" The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my hand as hard as you can!" Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit the supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor pulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisor says "That's intelligence". Still smarting Guido goes back to his coworker and his coworker says "Hey what did he say?" With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on his face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex honey... only $50... you look all uptight." "No way!" the man responded. "I'm married!!!" "So???" queried the hooker. "My wife will do it for $35." he replied.

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we stated a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill. So we did. Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and then Mary- Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Billy-Bob, go to town."

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume, she snarled, that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is, he replied, breakfast."

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack." The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew." "Probably, " replied the clerk. "And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?" "Probably," the clerk again replied. "Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?" At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time". "Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" "You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

"Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to me. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit."

A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex? It was found that men prefered to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T":

Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!" The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job.

"Are you and Larry serious?" the one girl asked her friend while they were talking over cocktails. "We're still a little short of a meeting of the minds." she replied. "I want a big, old-fashioned June wedding, and he wants a quickie in the back seat."

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty- five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!" "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!" So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No, not yet." Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when" He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when." Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!" "OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"

As the forman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was suprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier." The forman gives him a stern talking to as the other men watched and orders him back to work. During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to. Furious at his disobedience the forman fires him on the spot. To his surprise every worker in the room begins packing up their tools and leaving. He stops one worker and says, "Why are all of you leaving?" To which the reply is "You don't expect us to work without light do you?"

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish." And I said, "No shit.''

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

Mom and Dad were trying to console the little kid. "You know, it's not your fault that the dog died". The little kid was having none of it. Dad said, "You know, he's probably up in heaven right now with God." The little kid said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get." "See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth." A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off. "What did that man want?" one nun asked the other. "I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left." "What did he say?" "He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'."

I went to see that slasher movie, Scream 2, last night. It is a good movie, but the guy in back of me ruined the film. This guy is going, "Oh, that's not real!! That's not how you do it!! Gimme a break!! You don't hold the knife that way!! I turned around and said, "Look, O.J. will you shut up, please?"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles. "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is?" "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

Two fellows are running a store and decide to have a big blow-out clearance sale. Within 3 hours, everything is sold from the store. The one fellow says to the other, "Well, what now? We've sold everything." The other replies, "Dont worry, there's this newfie who comes in here everyday. We'll have a few laughs on him." Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, newf comes walking in , hands in pockets, looking around. "Tell me lads", asks the newfie, "what have ya for sale today?" One of the fellows says, "Well we're having a sale on arseholes!" Newfie says, "Well ya must be doing pretty good, ya only got two left!"

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