Kelly's Bar Jokes


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Tips for Northerners Moving South

  1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
  2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
  3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
  4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
  5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
  6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
  7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
  8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
  9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
  10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
  11. People walk slower here.
  12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
  13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
  14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
  15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
  16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
  17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
  18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
  19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
  20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
  21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
  22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
  23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
  24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
  25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
  26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
  27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the wrong time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you are getting old when...

What do golf and sex have in common? They're two things that you can enjoy even if you are lousy at both of them.

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, that were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is god?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is god?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it"

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds. After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..." "Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old. At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat? Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up. At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..." "Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily. "I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline lastnight, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

A nun goes into a liquor store and asks the clerk for a bottle of whiskey. The clerk says, "Sister, I'm afraid that the Mother Superior has left us strict instructions not to sell any liquor to any of you young ladies." The nun says, "Oh, but this is FOR the Mother Superior. It's for medicinal purposes. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated." The clerk says, "Oh my, excuse me! In that case, please have this bottle of our finest whiskey. Take it with our compliments and wishes of fine health to the Mother Superior." The nun thanks the clerk and leaves. A couple of hours later, after he has closed up the store, the clerk is walking down the street when he sees the nun swinging on a lamp post and waving the nearly empty whiskey bottle. The clerk walks up to the nun and says, "Sister, I thought you said that whiskey was for the Mother Superior and that it was for medicinal purposes because she was constipated." The nun slurs, "Oh, it is! When she sees me, she's gonna SHIT!!"

At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "Sheerer than that." "This is the sheerest we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" he replies. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant tofollow him. Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pick up line in North Mississippi? Nice tooth!
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
A girl from Mississippi and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from Mississippi, being friendly and all, said, So, where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Mississippi sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
How do you know when you're staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?.....A documentary. What do they call it in Mississippi?....."Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

A farmer with a prize sow was desirous of having her bred to a neighbor's fine, registered boar. He made the arrangements but had no way to transport his pig except a wheelbarrow. His neighbor's farm was not too distant so he put the pig in the wheelbarow and wheeled her to the rendezvous. He asked his neighbor if there was a way he could tell if the operation was a success. "Yes," he said, "first thing in the morning check your pig. If she is in the mud wallow, it's been successful. If she is lying on dry land, it was not. For the next three days the sow was lying on dry land, so the poor farmer wheeled her to and from the neighbor's farm three more times for servicing. He was so tired the fifth morning he stayed in bed a bit longer. He was about forty-five minutes getting to the pig pen...... and...... there was the sow.....sitting in the wheelbarrow!

A guy is suffering from severe headaches. The doctor says "I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure wouldrelieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."

Scientists for the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer . The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the findings, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became overly emotional, could't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -Delta Burke
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? -Jay Leno
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno
The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to Uzis. -Conan O'Brien
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
The problem with the designated driver program, is that it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says. "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican. "The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words. " So the Colonel hangs up. After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican. The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you. "So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican. "The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account".

If Men Ran the World . . .

  1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
  2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
  3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.
  4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
  5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
  6. Garbage would take itself out.
  7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
  8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
  9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
  10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
  12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
  13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
  14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
  15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
  16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
  17. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
  18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!".
  19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
  21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
  23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
  24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
  25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about... Driving home along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. Then, when she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked: "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of sec's..."

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You may enter." The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in. The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You may come in, too." But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to hell".

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

The best of Rodney Dangerfield

Women's Ages:

  1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa...
    virgin and unexplored.
  2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia...
    hot and exotic.
  3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America...
    fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
  4. Between the ages of 46 and 58, she is like Europe...
    exhausted, but still has many points of interest.
  5. After 58 she is like Australia...
    everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.

Men's Ages:

  1. Between the ages of 18 and 32...Tri-weekly.
  2. Between the ages of 32 and 50...Try, weekly.
  3. Over 50...Try, weakly.

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your fatherwhen he died?" The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT
She hasnot BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
Shedoes not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR
She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.

A married woman is having an affair Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears her husband's car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well. Inside the closet, the boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes, it is", the lover replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks" the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball...", the boy says. "OK, how much?" the man replies after considering the situation he is in. "Twenty five dollars", the little boy replies. "TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!" the man repeats, but complies to keep him quiet. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places the lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?", the boy starts off. "Yes, it is", the man replies. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK, how much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars", the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the boy's father says "Hey son, Get your baseball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them.", replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?", asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards or candy. "Seventy-five dollars", the boy says. "SEVENTY-FIFE DOLLARS? That's thiefery! I'm taking you to the church right now. you must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down and says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.

Bumber Stickers

A horse and a chicken are playing in the meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink! The horse yells to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So the chicken gets into the farmer's Mercedes and drives it as fast as possible back to the mud hole. Wasting no time, the chicken ties a rope around the bumper, and then tosses the other end of the rope to the horse. As the horse hangs on for dear life, the chicken drives the car forward, and saves the horse from sinking. A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again. This time, the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to hurry and get the farmer, or the farmer's Mercedes.The horse then says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the mud hole!" So he stretches over the width of the hole and says to the chicken, "Reach up and grab my "thingy", and pull yourself up!!!" And the chicken did so, and pulled herself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition,Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughoutchildhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

These two cannibals were eating a clown when one of them looks at the other and asks, "Does this taste kinda funny to you?"

A man walks into a bar just outside of Linlcoln Nebraska and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a joke about how stupid the Nebraska Football team is? The bartender tells the man that he wouldn't mind hearing the joke but that he needs to point out a couple of people to him that are in the bar. The bartender then points to a HUGE man seated at one end of the bar and explains that this guy was an All- American offensive lineman for Nebraska last season. The bartender then points out another HUGE man seated at a table near the bar and explains that he was a Nebraska Linebacker a couple of years ago. Then the bartender tells the man that he himself was a Quarterback for Nebraska several years ago and that he had a baseball bat behind bar. The bartender then asks the man if he still wanted to tell his joke and the man replied, "Heck no, I don't want to have to explain it 3 times!

I Was Just Thinking

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Three guys are walking through the woods and they find a genie sitting by a cliff. The genie says "I will grant you each one wish, all you have to do is say what you want and jump off the cliff". The first guy goes to the edge, yells "Money" and jumps off, he lands in a humongous pile of money. The second guy gets up and yells "Women", he lands among hundreds of women. The third guy, who is pretty excited now, gets to the edge of the cliff, trips and yells, "Sh*t!!!!"

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, we played whatever games we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called Dad." We'd eat some stuff I can't remember what, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

What are the three biggest lies a man from Montana tells?

  1. See this belt buckle? I won it in the rodeo.
  2. My truck is paid for.
  3. I was just trying to help that sheep over the fence.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

If you see a sign that says "Say NO to Crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants, you might be a redneck.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our friend."

If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection.'" They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

A golfer ran into an old buddy at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all kinds of things. Eventually, one of them said, " How's the family?" The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for my wife the other day!" "Hey, good trade!" replied his buddy!

Guy asks the bartender, do you have any entertainment? The Bartender takes out a box and out pops a 12" high piano player. Wow says the guy, where did you get him. Ask the genie at the end of the bar", he says." So the guy goes over there and whispers in the genie's ear and a 1000 ducks go flying by. "He must be hard of hearing" said the guy." "Tell me about it," says the bartender. "Do you think I wanted a 12" PIANIST!"

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard." "That's finel for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

There were three sailers and they havent had any sex in a long time they stopped at this island and saw this whore. So they asked her if they could all do it? She said that she would, but let me get two other friends cause I can't handle all three of you by myself. So she went to get her friends, but she could only find one so they decided to get a blow up doll for the third sailor. They all screwed that night and when they woke up in the morning they all started talking about their night, so the first two sailers say how good their night was and then the third sailor says "something was wrong with my girl I bit her tit and she farted and blew out the window!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."


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