Kelly's Bar Jokes
PICKUP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED
1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. My love for you is like diarrhea-I just can't hold it in.
7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
8. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
10. You remind me of a championship bass-I don't know whether to mount
you or eat you!
11. Your parents must be retarded because you are special.
12. Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?
13. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open and
I'll put my head in.
The World's 25 Shortest Books
25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O J Simpson
24. THE CATHOLIC GUIDE TO GREAT SEX
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
And the Number one World's Shortest book....
1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton
How to Get Rid of a Blind Date
- Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
- Make funny faces at other patrons.
- Read a newspaper or book during the meal.
- Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
- Order a bucket of lard.
- Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
- Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
- Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
- Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
- When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
- Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
- Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
- Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
- Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
- Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
- Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
- Ask your date how much money they have with them.
- Order for your date. Order something nasty.
- Communicate in mime the entire evening.
- Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
- Hold a debate. Take both sides.
- Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
- Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
- Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
- Speak in pig latin throughout the meal.
- Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
- If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
- Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle and Chant.
- Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
- Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
- Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
- Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
- Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
Ways to Cope with STRESS
- Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
- Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
- When someone says "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.
- Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
- Dance naked in front of your pets.
- Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
- Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.
- Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
- Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
- Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
- Buy a subscription of "Sleezoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
- Pay your electric bill in pennies.
- Drive to work in reverse.
- Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
- Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
- Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
- Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
- Make up a language and ask people for directions.
WAYS TO FREAK OUT YOUR ROOMMATE
- Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
- Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
- Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
- Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
- Smoke ballpoint pens.
- Smile. All the time.
- Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
- Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
- Dye all your underwear lime green.
- Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
- Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
- Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why." Be creative.
- Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
- Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day.
- Listen to radio static.
- Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
- Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
- Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
- Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
- If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
- Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
- Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
- If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
- Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
- Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
- Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
- Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
- Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
- Follow him/her around on weekends.
- Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
- Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
- Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
- Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
- Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer.
- Skip to the bathroom.
- Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
- When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on then you leave.
- Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes then call whoever it was back.
- Burn incense.
- Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
- Collect Chia-Pets.
- Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
- If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill.
- Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
- Whenever your roommate sneezes, immediately call the Rescue Squad and report that your roommate is spreading a highly contageous, infectious disease around the building.
- When you return from a class, instead of opening the door, break it down with a big piece of lumber. Tell your roommate you forgot your key.
- Every night, when your roommate comes home, wait on the other side of the door. When your roommate opens the door, act like he/she hit you in the head, and that you've been knocked unconcious. Spend the night sleeping on the floor. After about a week, go to bed as you normally would. Complain loudly that you can't sleep.
- Get a hamster. Keep it in a cage, with a little exercise wheel. Whenever the hamster runs in the wheel, stand next to the cage and jog in place. Tell your roommate that the hamster is your "personal trainer." Someplace outside the room, let your roommate catch you eating a candy bar. Beg him/her not to tell the hamster about it.
- After you take a shower, instead of drying yourself with a towel, stand in the middle of the room and spin around 100 times. Spend an hour in bed, complaining that you feel dizzy and sick.
- Stick your head out the door and announce whatever your roommate is doing to the rest of the building. "He/She's getting out a book!" "He/She's taking out his/her glasses!" Go around the building and take requests for what people would like your roommate to do. Report the results to your roommate.
- Make your roommate show you two forms of ID before you let him/her use the telephone, microwave, etc. If he/she ever refuses, scream for help, and accuse your roommate of being an imposter.
- Whenever your roommate wears something red, act like a bull and charge him/her with your head, knocking him/her down if possible. Suggest that your roommate sign up for matador lessons.
- If your roommate snores, make a tape recording of it. Play it at full volume out your window. Tell your roommate that you're trying to summon a hippopotamus.
- Every time you want to leave the room, stand and knock at the door until someone in the hall lets you out.
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