Kelly's Bar Jokes


PICKUP LINES THAT MAY GET YOU KILLED

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. My love for you is like diarrhea-I just can't hold it in.
7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
8. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
10. You remind me of a championship bass-I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!
11. Your parents must be retarded because you are special.
12. Could I touch your belly button...from the inside?
13. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open and I'll put my head in.

The World's 25 Shortest Books

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O J Simpson
24. THE CATHOLIC GUIDE TO GREAT SEX
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
And the Number one World's Shortest book....

1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton


How to Get Rid of a Blind Date

Ways to Cope with STRESS

WAYS TO FREAK OUT YOUR ROOMMATE


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