Kelly's Bar Jokes

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"
How much is that Barbie in the Window?...
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?"
She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..." Authur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates, an Angel tells Davidson, "Well you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world." As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the gates takes Arthur to the throne room and introduces him to God.
Arthur then asks God, "Hey aren't you the inventor of women?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
Well, says Davidson, You have some major design flaws in your invention, for example:
  1. Theres too much front end protrusion.
  2. It chatters at high speeds.
  3. The rear end wobbles too much.
  4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
"HMMM...." replies God, "hold on". God goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to my computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. God bless Grammy. Goodby Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father hear his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. GoodBye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more that a little woried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his sholder. The bartender says "What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?" "Africa." replied the parrot.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Jack & Jill were on their way home from the Bar one night and Jack got pulled over by the police. The officer told Jack that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. Jack said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away." Just then Jill said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." So the officer asked for Jack's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." And again Jack apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jill said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." Well by this time Jack is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer and he said in a rather loud voice, "#$&% Jill, will you SHUT UP!" The officer then leaned over toward Jill and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?" Jill replied, "ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK."

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it just seemes that way.

A pair of Polish brothers move to the U.S. and are living in New York City. They wanted to fit into American society so they watched the inhabitants very closely and tried to do the things other New Yorkers do. One day they're wandering around mid-town Manhattan at lunchtime, and they spot a hot dog vendor. Brother 1 turns to brother 2 and says, "They eat dogs in America? Do you think we should try some?" Brother 2 replies, "Well, we want to be like other Americans, I think we should try it". So they each order a hot dog, then go sit on the curb to eat. Brother 1 unwraps his, looks at , makes a face, and turns to his brother and says, "What part did you get?"

Man getting ready to celebrate his 100th birthday. All his freinds get together and send him a woman. She knocks at his door and he answers it to find every mans dream girl. She says to him - I'm here to give you supersex. He says to the young lady - thanks for coming over young lady but I think it will have to be the soup!

There was this guy who was going to the city for a while, but he had no place to stay. So he went to hir sister-in-law's house and asked her if he could stay at her house for a night. "Oh okay, but you have to sleep in the bathroom, DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING!" she said. So that night he slept in the bathroom. When he laid down to sleep he noticed the ladie's dirty underwear hanging every-where, it bothered him, so he took it down and put it in the hamper. The next morning the sister found out what he had done, and she was really mad. But he needed to stay at her house one more night, so he begged and pleaded, so finnaly she said he could stay, but he would have to sleep in the same room as the cat. That night the guy came home drunk, and shaved the cat. The next morning when she found out what he had done she was furious, but he needed to stay just one more day, finnaly she gave in and let him sleep in the barn. But she said if he did anything she would call the cops. That night he came home drunk again. He decided it would be a fun thing to paint her donkey blue, so he did. The next morning when the lady found out, she was enraged. She called the cops and said, "This guy who has been staying with me pulled down my under-wear, shaved my pussy, and painted my ass blue!"

Smile A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!
Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!

Smile Bill Gates dies He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case: I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "What's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Smile A Brief History Of Real Estate Agents
6 MILLION BC: God searches for a planet to establish life. Encounters real estate agent from "Lucifer's Planets & Gardens" who says "I've got a great deal on a fixer-upper just 90 million miles from the Sun."
5.9 MILLION BC: God buys the Earth and, after the closing, discovers it is a mass of molten goo. Angry, God confronts the agent and banishes him to spend eternity wearing polyester suits.
4 MILLION BC: God creates the ocean and the seas. By accident, a pool of pond scum transforms itself into the National Association of Realtors.
3.5 MILLION BC: God creates Florida.
3.49 MILLION BC: Thousands of real estate agents crawl out of the ocean to scout good condo locations. Market immediately crashes when agents realize that "snow birds" won't be invented for another 2 million years.
3 MILLION BC: A meteor crashes into Earth. The resulting crater creates a giant black hole filled with green ooze. The Multiple Listing Service is born.
2.45 MILLION BC: God makes Adam and Eve. However, delays in constructing Garden of Eden force Adam and Eve to live in an apartment eight months.
244 MILLION BC: Shopping for a move-up garden, Eve visits an Open Garden and encounters a fork-tongued real estate agent who tells her, "Garden, why would you want another one of those? I've got an entire apple orchard you can have real cheap."
243 MILLION BC: Adam and Eve become the first humans to truly understand what it means to buy from a real estate agent.
550 BC: Jealous of rising property values, real estate brokers in Greece devise a way to attack Troy by using a Trojan Horse.
42 BC: Cleopatra decides to build the Pyramids. Real estate agent and builder try to convince her that Squares would be much cheaper.
30 BC: Rome touted as "the hottest housing market in Europe" Thousands of buyers flock in to make deals with real estate agents.
29 BC: Rome real estate crashes. Julius Caesar calls a meeting of his advisors to see what can be done. Chief real estate broker Brutus suggests Caesar tours Rome to inspire consumer confidence. "Just lead the way," Brutus says, "I'll be right behind you."
500 AD: Middle ages bring major real estate slowdown. Agents are forced to take second jobs as undertakers. Scandal breaks out when agents are discovered to be removing gold fillings from dead people.
1308 AD: Real estate agent list a tower in Pisa, Italy as a "one of a kind property. Solid building guaranteed not to lean."
1492 AD: Christopher Columbus lands in America. However, he mistakenly believes he's in India, thanks to a bogus land survey provided by a Spanish real estate broker.
1620 AD: Pilgrims land on Plymouth Rock. First colonial real estate agent promises Pilgrims that Massachusetts is "always sunny and warm. Never drops below 70 I swear."
1621 AD: Giant blizzard nearly wipes out Pilgrims. Real estate agent is banished to New Jersey.
1626 AD: Manhattan bought for 100 beads and trinkets from the Indians. The Indians' real estate agent takes 6 beads as a commission.
l803 AD: Napoleon shocks and angers French real estate agents when he sells Louisiana to United States without an agent. At 515 million, sets record for largest "FSBO" (for sale by owner) sale in history.
1867 AD: United States purchases Alaska from Russia for 2 an acre, after Russian Czar is given advice by real estate agent that Alaska is "utterly useless" land with no value at all.

Smile There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

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