Kelly's Bar Jokes


Q: What did one alligator say to the other?
A: Airplane food sucks!

Q: Last words of a frontier man to his son right before they are stampeded by Buffalo.
A: "Bison"

Q: What is the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish Man?
A: The Rolling Stones Said ,"Hey you get off of my cloud". And the Scottish man said "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe".

Q: What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
A: Snowballs!

Q. What is long and green and smells like pig?
A. Kermits finger.

Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag.

Q: What's a wicker box?
A: Thats what Elmer Fudd wanted to do to Madona.

Q :Why did Liberachi play the piano?
A: Because he sucked on the organ.

Q: Why did Lisa Marie want a divorce from Michael Jackson?
A: He was spending too much time with the boys.

Q: Why do all Texans have 2" balls?
A: So they can tow each others trailers.

Q: Why does a pilgram's pants always fall down?
A: Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

Q: Why do eskimos was their clothes in tide?
A: 'cause it's to cold out tide.

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic?
A: Some one who sets up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Q: What is the difference between a pig and a fox?
A: About a 12 pack.

Q: What is the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
A: A Hobo is lonely, and a Homo has friends up the ass.

Q:What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

Q: What is grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.

Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?
A: One is a over inflated nazi gas bag and the other is a dirigible.

Q: Why does it take three Women with PMS to change just one lightbulb?
A: IT JUST DOES!! OK?!?!?

Q: How do you keep sexual deviants from committing homosexual acts?
A: Put them all in straight jackets.

Q: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A JACK-ASS AND AN ONION?
A: SOME ASS THAT WILL BRING TEARS TO YOUR EYES.

Q: What does a 500 pound parrot say?
A: Polly wants a craker - NOW!

Q: What's the state bird of Kentucky?
A: The housefly

Q: What did they say to the woman who won the beauty pageant in Kentucky?
A: "Smile and show your tooth"

Q: What do you have when there are 2 rows of 16 Kentuckians?
A: A full set of teeth

Q: Why did the sheep jump off the cliff?
A: He didn't see the 'ewe' turn.

Q: Who was the worst golfplayer of all time?
A: Adolf Hitler, he never got out of the bunker.

Q: Where does a one armed man shop?
A: At a second hand store!

Q: Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
Q: Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.

Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A: "Thanks, I'll never part with it!"

Q: Why do golfers always bring two pairs of pants?
A: In case they get a 'hole in one'.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.

Q: How many of Kelly's customers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and one to drink 'til the room spins.

Q How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

Q: How many months have 28 days in them?
A: 12 they all have at least 28 days.

Q: Why did the blond climb the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: What did the banana tree say to the coconut tree when he heard a hurricane was coming.
A: You better hang on to your nuts because your about to get a hell of a blow job!

Q: Hear about the Polish milk carton? It has a childproof lid.

Q: Where is Saddam Hussein going to end up?
A: On scud row!

Q: What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
A: Her legs.

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been at the computer?
A: There's rat poison on the mousepad.

Q: Why did the man, trying to kill himself, tie a rope around his waist?
A: Because it got too tight around his neck.

Q: How far can a person walk into a forest?
A: Only halfway, because after that he would then be walking out of the forest.

Q: If a tree falls in the forest with noone to hear it then who will notify the next of kindling?

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye-deer.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef!

Q: What is long and green and smells like pig?
A: Kermits finger.

Q: What do dentures and the moon have in common?
A: They both come out at night.

Q: What is the first question OJ asked the prosecutors after he had heard the verdict?
A: Can I have my gloves back now?

Q: What do elephants use as tampons
A: Sheep!

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a computer?
A: A computer can take a 3 1/2 floppy.

Q: How do you escape from the inside of an elephant?
A: Run around until you get pooped out!

Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with the house.

Q: How does a mail chauvinist change a light bulb?
A: "Let the bitch cook in the dark."

Q: Why doesn't mexico have an olympic team?
A: Because all the ones that can run, jump,or swim have already left the country.

Q: What does the hot dog say when he crosses the finish line?
A: "I'm the WEINER!!"

Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a goat?
A: One mucks up fountains.

Q: What do you call a man with a seagul on his head?
A: Cliff
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack

Q: What does OJ stand for?
A: Orange Jumpsuit.

Q: Why did they get rid of OJ costumes?
A: Cuz the gloves dont fit.

Q: If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
A: EUROPEAN

Q: How many seconds are there in a year?
A: 12 .... (Jan 2, Feb 2, Mar 2 .... etc.)

Q: What did George Washington say to his men before they got into the boat to cross the Potomac River?
A: Men .... get in the boat.

Q: What do are those little bumps around a woman's nipple?
A: Braille Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it!

Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.

Q: Why won't a shark eat a lawyer?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: How is a lawyer different from hooker?
A: There are just some things a hooker won't do.

Q:What gets wetter and wetter as it drys?
A: A towel.

Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula?
A: autoexec.bat

Q: why is a woman like a parking space?
A: because all the good ones are taken, the only free ones are handicapped, and once you get one you have to keep feeding money into it.

Q: Why did the woman cross the Road?
A: Who cares why wasn't she in the kitchen.

Q: One day an Indian chief drank 12 gallons of tea. The next day they found him drowned in his teapee.

Q: What does an Englishwoman say to her husband when she wakes up after a night of lovemaking?
A: "Get off!"

Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
A: They both have ornamental balls.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: What's the best way to eat a frog?
A: Hook one leg over each ear.

Q: How many seconds are there in a day?
A: That depends. How good were you the first time?

Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip.

Q: What animal should you never play cards with?
A: Cheetah!

Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: The genealogist looks up the family tree... And the gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Q: What do you get when you cross a yeast infection and an achy breaky heart?
A: An itchy twichy crotch.

Q:Why are there locks on bathroom doors in the Soviet union?
A: So people don't Russian when European.

Q: What did the math mermaid wear?
A: An algebra.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
A: Elephino.

Q: What do you get when you cross a potato and a penis?
A: a dictator.

Q: Do you know why they acquitted O.J. when they did?
A: Thanksgiving was just around the corner and he was the only one in the family who knew how to cut up the white meat.

Q: Why does Scots wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear the zipper miles away.

Q: WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU FIND AN EPILEPTIC IN YOUR SWIMMING POOL?
A: THROW IN A LOAD OF WASH !

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A VEGATERIAN WITH DIAREEHA?
A: A SALAD SHOOTER !

Q: Why was John Elway being questioned in the O.J Simpson trial?
A: Because they were talking about a Slow, White, Bronco.

Q: What do you call skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What's the difference between humor and odor?
A: Humor is a shift of wit.

Q: Why don't you throw rocks at mexicans riding bikes?
A: It might be your bike!

Q: What happens when I short-legged cow tries to jump a fence?
A: It's an udder disaster.

Q: How can you tell a blind man at a nudist camp?
A: It's not hard.

Q: Why is a fire engine red?
A: Cause if someone pulled your hose out in public you'd be red too.

Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting"

Q: What would you do if you had 6 months to live?
A: Move in with my mother in law it would seem like an eternity!

Q: If Adam and Eve were standing naked in a crowd of one million other naked people, how could you recognize them from the others?
A: Easy, they would be the only two without belly buttons.

Q: Why was Mr. Taste, CPA, shunned on the job?
A: Everybody knows, "There's no accounting for taste!"

It takes a sharp tongue to perform oral surgery.

Q:What do women and a trophy fish have in common?
A. You can mount them or eat them.

Q: Why do cowboys make poor lovers?
A: Because they think eight seconds is a good ride.

Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope!

Q: Whats the most exercize men get at the beach?
A: Sucking in there tummys when they see a bikini.

Q: What did Captin Hook die of?
A: Jock itch.

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to change a tire?
A: 2, one to hold the drinks & one to call dad.

Q: How much dirt can you get out of a 4 Cubic foot hole?
A: NONE , It's a hole .

Q: What does NASA stand for?
A: Need Another Seven Astronauts

Q: How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it takes 8 emergency room staff to remove it!

Q: What is 1 mile long and has an asshole in the middle?
A: A radar trap!

Q:Why did the cookie visit the doctor?
A: He felt Crummy.

Q: What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A: klondike!

Q: What's the name of the ninth reindeer?
A: Olive as in all of the other reindeer.

Q: If your dog's barking at the back door, and your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in?
A: Tthe dog will stop barking when you let him in.

Q: When do the Vietnamese consider their dog spoiled?
A: When it is left out of the refrigerator too long.

Q: Why don't ducks fly upsidedown?
A: They're afraid they'll quackup.

Q: How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.

Q: How can you tell a male shellfish from a female shellfish?
A: Simple. You ask them a question. If HE answers, it's a boy. If SHE answers, it's a girl. Unless, of course, they clam up on you.

Q: Why are seagulls called seagulls?
A: Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

Q: What do you call two doctors?
A: Pair-a-medics.

Q: Whats the difference between the James Last Orchestra and a reindeer?
A: A reindeer has its horns at the front and its assshole at the back.

Q: Where do cows buy their clothes?
A: From Cattle-logues.

Q: Why don't the Chinese have phone books?
A: Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs they're afraid they'll wing the wong number.

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 ate 9.

Q: If a plane crashes on the border of Canada and Usa where do you bury the survivers?
A: You dont bury survivers!

Q: Where do sadists and masochists go for fun?
A: The Abusement Park


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